To think that she might never get over him?

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Hi all - posting here for traffic.

I’ve been in a serious relationship with a separated woman for over a year. We met after she was separated. We love each other very much, and even though we had problems of our own at the beginning things are usually great between us. We’ve even moved in together recently.

Except there’s one problem. Her and her ex - they are in the process of getting divorced which is taking a long time - still have intense, deep feelings for each other and whilst sometimes her focus is on me, if they see each other (they have kids) all the grief, feelings and emotions sometimes flood back.

They had a very torrid relationship - incredible highs or incredible lows. Ours, is much more stable but the shared life and history between them evokes lots of feelings.

Anyway - to cut a long story short she is very torn at the moment because they are talking and they can’t decide whether they should give it another go - I think most of the resistance is on his side - he’s scared. However, also she does love me, love our life and potentially would probably be in the reverse situation if things flipped anyway - I.e she’d miss me!

Its tearing me apart at the moment because primarily I love her and just want her to be happy. If I leave, she might have the freedom (in her head) to explore the relationship again with him. However, if that doesn’t work - and there’s a very good chance it can’t - we’d be sacrificing a brilliant relationship that really can work - IF she can move on from those feelings. I’m sure she can in time but right now it seems very very tough.

What should I do?

Should add that the situation is complicated because I have a fantastic relationship with the kids too. Although I would never want, or could to detract from their relationship with their Dad - our life as a ‘family’ is also wonderful. I’m utterly committed. So It’s not just mine, my partners and her ex’s feelings that could be affected by all this. I just want everyone to be happy and find a way move on, or move forward in whatever way.

Would a closure therapy - or any other course help?

She's not committed to you. I would find someone who is, unless you are content to be used.

How long had she been separated before you started your relationship? Why did they separate? It all sounds like far too much too fast... And I have to ask why you moved in with her — especially when there are children involved, who must be deeply confused — when she’s clearly still emotionally involved with her ex? What’s the rush?

She has clearly not moved on from him. I think it's incredibly disrespectful that they are actively discussing reconciliation whilst you are a couple!

This can only end badly. For you.

OP, I'm very sorry but I think you need to move on from this relationship. She clearly isn't over her ex, and I think the therapy idea is a bit of a red herring. What sort of person gets into a new relationship when they still want to get back with their ex? Not a very nice one. She wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping you there to meet her needs whilst making no effort to meet your needs, making you do the "pick me" dance and hoping her ex will do it too. No wonder her ex is afraid of getting back with her! If she really did love you, she'd draw a line under her previous relationship and make it clear to you it was completely over.

As MN wisdom says, she is telling you who she is - you need to listen.

It sounds like you’re the rebound relationship.

I can’t see a way you two can stay together without her thinking “what if” on and off about her ex.

And for your own self respect, you’re with someone who is considering and wanting, no matter how big or little a part of her, to be with someone else. And you are rationalising this. You should be with someone who wants you. I think if you don’t end it you’ll be waiting for ages for her to make a decision and if it is you she still will be thinking about her ex.

I think if you split and they figure themselves out either way you will both be happier. If they don’t make it as a couple, sure she could be the one for you in the future but you should still go on and live your life in case she’s not.

Thanks all. To answer some questions

• they have been separated on and off for 2 years. I’m not the first relationship after the ex, but I am by far the most serious one. When we got together, she and the ex were not on good terms at all.

they mainly* separated because of his behaviour.

• the kids are actually more stable now then ever. They aren’t actively aware of the issues. I moved in because she thought she really could commit to me and those feelings she had for the ex had subsided. Though yeah, they resurfaced.

She has a tendency to romanticise the good and forget the very bad. She’s a good person.

Anyway we have broken up over this before though always very briefly as our relationship is worth the fight. However it is at a final point now because....

You are all right though about my self respect and it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. If we split again I couldn’t go back this time - it would wreck any relationships I have with people who have already told me what you are all saying the previous times - and she would also feel the same really. Problem is I really do care for her so much and she does for me.

That said, she isn’t the bad person here - she is just deeply confused and conflicted - she isn’t dangling and holding onto both. She seems to genuinely want to do the right thing, but can’t figure out what that is. I really want to just support her to do it.

Ahhh.....who knows eh? We both know something has to give very soon.

You need to make yourself unavailable. Move out and separate until she makes up her mind. It’s outrageous that she’s talking about trying again with her ex while in a relationship with you.

I can remember meeting a man who had just left his wife. We started a relationship and I couldn’t work out why he was so keen so quickly as I assumed he’d be a bit hesitant ( if nothing else). What I hadn’t realised that people in that situation can throw themselves into other relationships quickly in an attempt to avoid feeling their pain and upset. Effectively using another person as a numbing agent. You need to let this lady go because if you don’t she will always be wondering whether she could have made another go of it and he will forever be the “ one that got away”. I know that’s a painful thing to hear and I feel sorry for both you and the children who it seems are being monumentally fucked around but you need to let her make her own mistakes. ( on another note if she was in a very “ up and down “ relationship she’s accustomed to flooding of different chemicals in her brain to the point that she may not deal very well with steady relationships where she doesnt experience that. )

You need to be unavailable and let her decide. Could become very toxic if you're around supporting her through her decision either way. I still get upset to my current partner about my ex and emotions, but never to the point where it's in my present and I'm conflicted about who I love. You shouldn't be entering any further without a decision.

You might be committed, but she's not. She doesn't really love you, if she did she wouldn't be pushing to get back with her husband.

on another note if she was in a very “ up and down “ relationship she’s accustomed to flooding of different chemicals in her brain to the point that she may not deal very well with steady relationships where she doesnt experience that. )

This resonates massively, and she would I’m sure agree.

One question. What advice would you all give to her if I was out of the equation? Forget about my feelings - assume I can handle any situation. I just want the best for her and the kids.

I think she may benefit from time as a single. But she probably won’t do that.

It’s hard to say without knowing the ins and outs of their relationship but with a generalisation:

I would first get her to wrote down the reasons she and ex broke up and really think about them. If she thinks those reasons are gone or different now I would suggest she date him and give it a go.

If he doesn’t want to or it doesn’t work out I would recommend in advance that this is that last go and she lets it go after this shot.

But if the ins and outs make the highs and lows of their relationship actually a toxic one then I would try to help her see that and help her step away with minimal contact, only about the kids etc.

But for you I would recommend not trying to fix it. You can help her when you break up with suggestions but then step away. And consider whether you are with her because of her or to fix the family so you are aware to not fall into that role again.

She may well move on one day, and settle down happily with somebody who isn't her ex.

But I'm willing to bet that it won't be now, and it won't be with you.

She's had a year with you, and she still isn't sure that you're the one she wants.

Bow out gracefully before it gets nasty. Sorry.

She has had enough time to make her mind, if she hasn’t, I would say it is because she loves him not you.

You may be nice, compassionate and be providing stability to her children but her heart is not with you. I think you need to let her go at least until she knows what she wants.

Her ex is scared, she wants to try again with him, where do you fit in her plans? Babysitting? Fallback option? Honestly, don’t put yourself through this.

One question. What advice would you all give to her if I was out of the equation? Forget about my feelings - assume I can handle any situation. I just want the best for her and the kids

I would tell her to spend time being single, licking her wounds, enjoying herself and learning what she really wants. That being on your own can. be so cathartic and rushing headlong into another serious relationship is nearly always a huge mistake.

I would tell you that your are worth more than this and you shouldn't stay in a relationship like this. If she was going to choose you she would have done it already.

When we got together, she and the ex were not on good terms at all.

Well there you go.

What advice would you all give to her if I was out of the equation? Forget about my feelings - assume I can handle any situation. I just want the best for her and the kids

I'd tell her to ditch all the relationship drama and stay single and focus on your children. They've had to cope with their parents breaking up multiple times, other short relationships, then yours, which broke up and went on again, you moving in, now probably you moving out, maybe him moving back in.....I feel sorry for the children here.

What advice I would give her... to grow up, stop pestering her ex, who is already telling her he is not interested and concentrate on her children. I would also tell her to
Let you go, as it is not fair on you to be left picking up all the mess while she is behaving like a teenager.

Thanks again. Solid advice for her I think.

Honestly she really does love me. Recently, I went away for a couple of weeks and she was absolutely devastated missing me for that time (as I did her), talking for hours every day. We talk about everything, are often so so positive for our future and are very open. But then these things reoccur - she meets him and he kinda sweeps her off her feet. Maybe That’s why it’s all such a mess - I know this sounds counterintuitive and exactly what a good relationship should have, but i almost give her too much freedom to explore these feelings if that makes sense.

But you have all given me a reality check - and a lot to think about - thanks!

What advice I would give her... to grow up, stop pestering her ex, who is already telling her he is not interested and concentrate on her children

That bit isn’t true - because in fact he says one thing and acts another way sometimes, or vice versa. He is still very torn too.

The advice I'd give to her? To stop being in any relationship and take some time to think about what she wants. It is grossly unfair that she has you living with her but is talking about how she may want to get back with her ex. I think that's highly selfish, self-indulgent behaviour. And very disrespectful to you.

The example you gave, of being devastated when you were away for a couple of weeks, it seems very odd to me. That sounds like a teenager. Of course it's normal to miss someone when they're away for a couple of weeks but to be devastated? It's a little bit OTT for a grown woman. It sounds a little bit to me like she likes drama and high emotion. Which is a great basis for healthy relationship.

*NOT a great basis for a healthy relationship!

I’d tell her to stay single until she got her feelings about her ex sorted out.

You should never be someone’s back up choice/ second choice... sounds like you’re hanging on just in case she chooses you. It will lead to resentment and a lot of ill feelings down the line op... I’m really sorry as it sounds like you’re head over heels for her, but I genuinely think you’ll be better moving on. Not waiting to see if she chooses you. You’re a lot better than that.