To think that she might never get over him?

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Hi all - posting here for traffic.

I’ve been in a serious relationship with a separated woman for over a year. We met after she was separated. We love each other very much, and even though we had problems of our own at the beginning things are usually great between us. We’ve even moved in together recently.

Except there’s one problem. Her and her ex - they are in the process of getting divorced which is taking a long time - still have intense, deep feelings for each other and whilst sometimes her focus is on me, if they see each other (they have kids) all the grief, feelings and emotions sometimes flood back.

They had a very torrid relationship - incredible highs or incredible lows. Ours, is much more stable but the shared life and history between them evokes lots of feelings.

Anyway - to cut a long story short she is very torn at the moment because they are talking and they can’t decide whether they should give it another go - I think most of the resistance is on his side - he’s scared. However, also she does love me, love our life and potentially would probably be in the reverse situation if things flipped anyway - I.e she’d miss me!

Its tearing me apart at the moment because primarily I love her and just want her to be happy. If I leave, she might have the freedom (in her head) to explore the relationship again with him. However, if that doesn’t work - and there’s a very good chance it can’t - we’d be sacrificing a brilliant relationship that really can work - IF she can move on from those feelings. I’m sure she can in time but right now it seems very very tough.

What should I do?

NOT a great basis for a healthy relationship!

No worries - I took it as sarcasm anyway

The devastated bit probably has to do with depression. Not to give too much details but she suffers terribly with bouts - not just to do with this situation, but seasonal and for other reasons. I love her and can only support her through that, reassuring her it’s all good. We always get through it.

And honestly rather than her being self indulgent, I probably indulge her and enable it - that in itself has to stop whatever happens.

Sigh - what a mess

If she has had 2 relationships since the split but before the divorce, she may be a person who cant bear to be single.
Protect yourself.

You should never be someone’s back up choice/ second choice

Totally right. One salient point - this is my first relationship, so we have led utterly different lives up to this point. I did always promise myself that when I did find someone I would never settle for being second choice, and yet here we are. Life takes us to places and situations that we couldn’t envisage sometimes.

This sounds like they have been in a toxic relationship with what’s known here as hysterical bonding I don’t know where you can read up on it but it could help her to understand her feelings better If she could realise what’s going on and untangle herself from this destructive relationship
Shame as you sound a lovely guy and I’m sure she would be better off wirh you but knowt as strange as folk as they say

This sounds like they have been in a toxic relationship with what’s known here as hysterical bonding

Wow - that sounds very, very familiar from what I know of their relationship.

This article rings loads of similarities

uk.businessinsider.com/hysterical-bonding-after-breakup-2017-11

Thank you all for the very kind words about me - but I am no saint and have my own issues too and she’s has supported me a lot with learning I wasn’t unloveable.

Run like the wind

Withdraw. She is still married, not available. Have no contact for a few months. Don't go back on this. She needs to sort her feelings out. Make a date to meet in the autumn, if she is free then you may have a chance, but don't hang about.

Two years is not long in terms of getting over a relationship. It does sound as if she has a more mature/better relationship with you, but that she is not ready for it. Did she work through any of her feelings after she split with her ex? I wonder if she will look back at her relationship with you and regret ending it? Either way, she needs to step away and make a decision instead of playing anyone.

she actually tells you her partner that shes thinking of going back to her ex?

she doesnt love you like you love her-sounds like she uses you as support because she doesnt want to be single

its inuslting to say the least

Is the ex in another relationship too? Or is he single and playing the field whilst still reassuring himself that she is available to come back to? Because she could be being played...

but she certainly doesn't sound as though she really wants to be in a relationship with you.

You sound lovely. She is playing you like a violin.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you need to walk away. Put yourself in a position to meet someone who loves, appreciates and respects you.

She really doesn't. ☹️

The whole thing both ex and you seems far too dramatic. Trust me my two year split from my ex was dramarama, I then also had a 6 month rebound with someone totally unsuitable and convinced myself I was in love.

But unlike her I didn't choose someone who could be damaged too, he was in it for the wrong reasons too.

My advice would be, either walk away and start fresh. TOTALLY fresh, zero contact.
Or start getting practical. She doesn't need to speak to the ex. She contacts via text or email only to sort arrangements for the kids, and that's it. She can't do that then you are out.

Don't get sucked into this bullshit drama, take a step back and look at it calmly. Be guided by what she does not what she says.

Good rule for life in general. Actions not words are the things to watch.

Good luck. Poor kids.

Ok - we are going to try :

• a week to work out if they want to try again
• then the practical idea of ‘limiting contact’ to whoever is out of the picture. If it’s me - zero contact, if it’s him then just stuff about kids/divorce. No more chances - it has to be all in.

It might not work after that either way - but that’s a bridge to cross if it happens.

Thanks again!

I’m sorry but setting a time limit, particularly as short as a week is ridiculous.

If it’s taken them this long how is a week going to help? It’s an emotional state not a business contract.

I would walk away from someone and not look back if they told me they were thinking about trying again with an ex. I couldn't hang around hoping they'd pick me and maintain any shred of self-respect.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is true.

Then let her miss you I am afraid. In the nicest possible way, this is having her cake and eating it.

She has to make a choice. You deserve more than she currently can give you.

I'm sorry, but your plan is useless. Basically what you're saying is "walk all over me I'm a doormat and I'll wait here until you finish shagging your ex"

You sound like such a kind, generous, patient and caring sort, that even if you come out of this rather bruised and battered, i have no doubt you will make a loving and loyal partner to the right person.

My worry for you is that even if she does go back to her ex, she’ll still try to keep you dangling. You are showing her that you do not have strong boundaries - you are willing to hang around while she decides whether or not to choose you or her ex.

This all points to you not valueing yourself enough and really ok with being treated less then ideally.

If her ex decides he doesn’t want to get back with her, and therefore stays with you, will you be happy with that? I’ll say it again - this women is selfish and not treating you with nearly enough respect. You are worth more than being the sloppy seconds for an emotionally immature woman.

A week to work out if they want to try again? That's madness. What are you thinking?

You mentioned upthread about being unloveable - have you had a rough time before this? I ask because I just can't imagine anyone being okay with this. You deserve better than waiting around for a week and then being grateful if she chooses you.

No way in the world would I put up with that shit. She either wants you or she doesn't - don't cling on to the hope of something here.

I've no doubt it's not going to be easy - and the week is nothing but either way it's a time limit that's going to allow us to hopefully stop going round in circles and sleep!

I'm firm on leaving and no contact - including in the case where no decision is made to try one way or another. And zero further chances. This has to now be final.

He has to stop this as well - for his sanity and not also making an effort to try beyond that isn't an option.

We shall see!

Re : me being unloveable - yes, prior to this I'd never had a proper romantic relationship before because I (generally - there were a few occasions when i picked up more courage briefly) would just freeze up in situations where things could go further. That doesn't tell the full story - I've learnt that women were interested in me but I just lacked that sort of confidence to try. I've always had great relationships with people in every other aspect.

So I've gone from practically zero experience to being with someone who is out of a long marriage and with (quite a few) kids! And I've surprised myself with how easily everything has worked and I've coped. But the situation is complex, and I went into it with my eyes open that there would be difficulties.