Friends with kids: I am sooo tired of making all the effort!

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This is really getting me down...Friendships have always been very important to me. I have one son aged 6. Me and Dh have no family close by so friends are important. I have one v close friend locally with boy the same age and 3 other close friends who I get on great with but see less of (no kids or older kids). I feel very disappointed that despite my efforts to cultivate friendships with various school parents, I am left feeling all of the effort is mine, here's my list!;

1. Two mums whose kids hang out with mine are friendly and fun and include me in social media stuff but I do all of the asking to meet with kids. One is kind, offers lifts, good fun - but she NEVER suggests to meet (she has 3 kids). The other is funny, friendly but never has asked to hook up with kids.
2. Two other mums I am not trying to be friends with but my son really likes their kids and has been begging for a play date...two play dates at ours, no invites to theirs.
3. A couple who I like, who I hang out with at the playground after school, came to our house last year for my sons birthday, came to my birthday on the pub, I've asked them to a few other things - literally have never ever invited us to anything.
4. Another very close neighbour/friend has actually stopped talking to me at all after 2.5 yrs. He's the one who organises nights out so I am now left out of them.
5. Another who I get on great with, I have invited out a few times, made dinner for etc just never initiates anything despite being lonely.

I am in despair. I don't know how to respond to this. If I dodnt have my son it would be less of an issue, I want him (and he wants) other kids to play with. My confidence is totally knocked. It is so bad I don't want to live here anymore

I don't know. Maybe. I am in a pickle really. These are all separate instances with different people. At the school gate I chat to various people so don't just stick to one or two 'friends' so it may come across like I am confident and haven't a concern in the world, that I know lots of people. I am active on the PTA and in the local community (though this has diminished as I try to rebuild my confidence). I've stopped asking one about meeting up at all and just keep it on the level of having a laugh. One mum doesn't have or seem to need many friends. I've not got the confidence now to try make any new connections. I am an older mum so I have wondered if that is part of the issue. Often the age gap is 5-8 yrs.

The age gap won't be an issue. I have mum friends ten yeats older than me and ten years younger

Give people a bit of space as honestly with kids its easy to forget to keep up with friends I spent a bit of time today replying to texts and organising meet ups with a few friends I know I have recently neglected. But i had to wait until baby was asleep.

I would also look for other friends. The ones you've described may be just busy and/or disorganised but no harm in finding friends who do a bit of the chasing. School is ideal for this

The other possibility is that it's your DS who is tricky and people don't want to invite him round.

Thanks Fruitcomer123. I suspect it is a combination of things. Most parents I k is work full-time, most also have family close by so their weekends are taken up often with them. Think my son isn't an issue cos he seems popular at school and the kids we've had here haven't wanted to leave. I need to appreciate the good friends I have. I'll need to chill on trying to make school friends for now as I'm burnt out!!@

If you've got 3 kids, they play together and they don't need friends outside of school in quite the same way as a single child might.
Plus, there's already enough going on in the house and you don't think of having their friends round, because you don't want to increase the chaos! It's not personal, imo.

I'd be looking for friends away from the school gate though, perhaps based around doing something you'd enjoy anyway?

Why aren't you investing this effort into keeping in touch with your existing friends with no/older kids, instead of accepting that you don't see them and chasing after new ones?

This is tricky, I can understand your predicament. You want your son to have the play dates that he likes, so I would maybe subtly try suggest a play date somewhere else. Perhaps don't mention a house, specifically and see what happens.

Maybe you have the best house and they all want to come to your's!

I think it's very difficult to get your child's social and your own to sync.
Follow your child's lead with family meet-ups and Playdates. Arrange them at his pace (as far as you can).
Try to develop your own social life separately (and away from school if at all possible). Sometimes the 2 will overlap nicely, but mostly they won't.
Don't worry about always taking the lead, some people are crap at this (me), but always happy to come along to something someone else has suggested.

So:

1. - Let the kids do stuff together as they wish, enjoy the social media exchanges, lifts etc, but try a different tack and maybe arrange a mum's night out, or each having all the kids for a day each. Their needs are obviously different to yours.

1. Not everyone can or wants to reciprocate playdates. It's just a fact of life. If your son is enjoying having his friends over and they're reasonably well behaved - stick with it as long as it suits you and is on your terms. Don't be afraid of asking for a babysitting favour if you need one though.

1. This would be me. I'm just too stretched and knackered to ever manage to arrange anything. Love being asked though. If they say yes - keep asking.

1. Do you know why? Can you ask them?

1. See 3.

As long as you appear happy to organize and have playdates at your house, a lot of ppl don't feel the need to reciprocate, I think. Especially if it's only the DC who are friends, and you don't see the mum socially.
Last year my DS got friendly with a kid in his class who came over to ours most weeks. No invite to his until I casually mentioned DS might like a change. It was still v disproportionate and the DC had literally no adult intervention the whole time they were there, on most occasions. So even though they are early primary, no offer of snacks, no intervention in disagreements, no one in evidence when I picked him up... very different to playdates round ours. The mum also asked if he could come to ours straight after school a number of times with about half an hours warning (no good reason, she just wanted to do something else), which was a bit considering she never spoke to me in the playground unless I made the effort. Needless to say, once I stopped doing last minute favors we didn't see so much of her kid, and DS hasn't been invited round again.
In a long winded way I'm trying to say some ppl don't mind you doing the 'work' and not reciprocating. Either mention your DC wants to go round theirs for a change, or if this feels too cheeky, concentrate on cultivating different friends who aren't 'takers'.

I know how you feel and honestly it’s sounding like they like you but are overwhelmed . I never rarely have play dates .my kids beg but it’s so much stress to arrange them I have almost given up !
I think when you have an only child you are probably more needing of them than people with more kids

If I were you I would focus on more
Organised activities for your child and take a bit of a step back . They probably like you but are tired knackered and can’t be arsed to arrange stuff ?

As teaandtoast said I think it might be down to you having one kid versus other parents with 2+. There is less need to set up play dates if your child has siblings as they play together, plus it is also harder to reciprocate. Imagine how many play dates you'd have to organise for 3 kids and their friends (my kids are still too young for playmates so I don't know). People with more kids will also be busier generally on the whole so less time for people outside their family.

I have to confess that my friend with one kid tends to initiate more meet ups with me than the other way round. I just don't have much time fir a social life but if someone invites me yo something I tend to do it but don't have bandwidth to reciprocate.

These people obviously like you or they wouldn't spend time with you so don't let it affect your confidence.

I would maybe cultivate friendships if you can either other 1 kid families. The people I know with one kid tend to spend Alot more time with other only children families and it seems to work.

And yes focus on friends you can see and enjoy without kids . The Mum friends don’t always work out

At 6yo I think people are beginning to look at having children over so their children go off and play and they don't need to watch them as closely so they get time to themselves. So people aren't really looking for playdates with parents in tow.

^ oh, I was assuming it was a drop DC round for a few hours situation rather than a parent/DC visit.
Which are you meaning, op?

Some good thoughts from pps. I agree with all they're saying.

I'd also add... Make this totally about your ds and his social life, most about yours, although it sounds like you are already.

As your ds gets a little older, he's likely to do more clubs n things which will need driving. This will show you more clearly who the piss-takers are, who mucks in and shares, and who would like to but can't because their child a has to be in x place and child b in y place at 7pm on Tuesday, etc.
And you'll maybe see it all more clearly then.

But I would say, I had one did who was desperate for play dates because her parents were boring and still are and her best friends came from bigger families who just didn't care as much. Trust me, I spent many years being BRIGHT and PERKY on the playground and ever so helpful with lifts and things to help her cement those friendships. my word, it was awkward in secondary when she outgrew them and moved on, but that's another thread!

Only a few people are social organisers, many people wait to be organised. I am an organiser, and often it isn’t reciprocated, but people come along to things I organise and at the end thank me and say they’ve had a great time, and come again, so I carry on. I just think that most people CBA to organise anything. I’ve noticed this particularly in the south, when I lived in the north it was much more social and also more casual.

I wouldn’t keep a score, just go on doing what you’re doing. In my experience, people are generally happy to have an organiser around, that way they get to do stuff without putting any effort in themselves. I bet you anything that those people intend to organise something, it’s on their mind to do it, but they never quite get round to it. Nothing personal, just apathy.

It might be that they can't offer a playdate in return. I haven't been brave enough yet as I have a baby, toddler and school child and it's a 20 minute walk home from school. Then I'll have 4 kids in the house on my own as OH works away during the baby's witching hours!

Don’t forget, just because you have no family close by, doesn’t mean all these fun people that you’d happily be friends with have loads of spare time to work on friendships.
Most families are so busy with raising the kids, keeping on top of housework, a job outside the house then they have their own extended family, so time spent visiting their parents and having siblings over for dinner and for the kids to play with their cousins means very little time is left for old established friendships, let alone cultivating new ones.
Try not to be ‘that mum’ that’s always pushing for nights out, play dates and mid week hook ups.
It’s true people can smell desperation, real friendships will grow of their own accord.

I am kind of like the OP. I have organised playdates and had none reciprocated. And used definitely been used as a free babysitting service in one case. It does get you down.

No suggestions. I am just pulling back and focusing on doing stuff for myself like exercising. Dd gets to play with her friends everyday at before and after school care. Sadly that is as close to playdates that she'll get in a while as they make me feel like a mug or shit about myself.

‘Don't worry about always taking the lead, some people are crap at this (me), but always happy to come along to something someone else has suggested.’

^This, and this:

‘Only a few people are social organisers, many people wait to be organised.’

I would carry on as you have been, but only doing those things you’re happy to do without expectation of reciprocation. Don’t allow resentment to build.

Also remember that just because your DS is friends with another child, you don't have to be friends with their parents.

My DS has 2 really close friends, who I invite round regularly. He goes to their houses on the odd occasion. Their parents are lovely, but I wouldn't go out with them socially. I have my own set of friends, who are nothing to do with DS or his friends.

I am an organiser by nature and my DS prefers his friends to come here. It's no big deal to me.

What about your pre kid friends?

Tbh, organising life with one child is way easier than multiples. And when the kids see each other at school all day every day many parents want/need them to have a break outside of it.

I suppose it's the difference between these people organising things that you're not included in ever, or whether they are just people that don't organise things.

I have social communication issues and never organise anything myself, it's an extraordinarily stressful minefield that I don't really understand and feel horribly inadequate whenever I try.

Other people are fighting issues like fatigue or depression (often hidden) that have bumped social organising right down to the very bottom of their list of priorities.

I do think it's a very admirable trait in a person who can/does lead an active social life and maintains a driving force behind that. You're an "initiator", and some people (including myself) will only ever be "responders". I'd love to be more like you!

I think when you have one DC it's more important to give them a full social life. Parents with multiple children will have much more on and won't necessarily need to seek out extra social opportunities. I don't think you should take it personally.

Ahhh, bless you. Always be friendly and don’t change, you sound lovely. If many parents work full time they won’t have the time for play dates, I work full time and have 2 hours with my children in the week, weekends are so valuable that if an invite for a play date comes, unless it’s at the park or for a couple of hours it breaks up our time together. I sometimes go for drinks on a Thursday, and am always up for a run in the week after bed time. My children play with friends at school and have their very good friends at the same child minder. If people are not recipricating, it probably has nothing to do with you, or how they view their friendship/ potential friendship with you, there isn’t enough hours in the day, and sadly socialising when working full time isn’t easy. Xx