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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let SIL sort this issue out herself?

57 replies

Plannergirl9 · 29/03/2018 18:41

SIL bought her council house about 5 years ago for quite a bit under it's value and has a small mortgage as a result. She told us at the time it was under £20k.

She lives in a four in a block of which the other three houses are still council rented.

She has received a letter from the council saying that the roof needs work. The letter set out her share of the cost. She can pay it up over a few years.

The same council has announced tenants are going to get new windows, kitchens and bathrooms. The council has offered to do SIL'S windows at the same time and add it to the cost of the roof.

SIL has been over at our house this afternoon quite angry about the fact she has to pay for the roof (that she says she doesn't use) and it's not fair she isn't getting new windows, kitchen or bathroom for 'free' like the council tenants.

DH tried to explain to her that she would have been told about her obligations for repairs etc before she bought the house. He has suggested that she speak to her mortgage company about adding the cost on to the mortgage. DH has suggested she look at her deedsto see what the clauses were for maintenance.

SIL is convinced she shouldn't pay and the council is being unfair to her. She won't listen to reason and is convinced that she is right. She has gone home in a huff as we apparently aren't supportive as we disagree with her.

DH wants to go to SIL'S tomorrow to look for her deeds, speak to her mortgage company and on Tuesday call the council for a meeting to discuss the works on SIL'S behalf. I said that he should help her look for the right information and point her towards getting the best advice but he shouldn't essentially step in to sort it out.

FIL, MIL and SIL have form for expecting DH to set in and sort things out. SIL buying the house was the first time DH didn't step in and organise everything. It was the first time SIL really stood on her own feet.

MIL has been on the phone soon asking DH to sort everything out as has FIL (they are divorced).

DH thinks it is unreasonable for him to not step it and sort everything as SIL won't be able to do so. I think it is unreasonable for DH to be expected to sort everything and that SIL needs to do it herself. DH's role should be to advise only. Wibu?

OP posts:
inamechangedforthispost · 29/03/2018 18:43

Does it matter if he helps her? Sounds as though he has a better grasp on the reality of the situation she's in.

Original poster
Plannergirl9 · 29/03/2018 18:43

I've asked MNHQ to edit the title.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 29/03/2018 18:45

Tell dh to stay a mile away from this. As you have already advised sil needs to do and she doesn't like it. Not even sure what he's supposed to 'sort'

onalongsabbatical · 29/03/2018 18:48

He has a habit of helping his family and it bothers you. Do you know why? Does it take his energy away from you? Do you have dcs who suffer because he's too busy with his parents and sis?

Snausage · 29/03/2018 19:00

Is there a back story to this? Do you have children together and feel that his helping his family means that he regularly neglects you because he spends an inordinate amount of time with his parents and sister? If that is the case, then you are not being unreasonable.

If the reason is anything else, then you are being unreasonable and I suggest you back off.

Whocansay · 29/03/2018 19:28

By 'sorting' are they expecting him to pay too?

OnTheRise · 29/03/2018 19:36

I'd avoid getting involved at all.

If your DH sorts it out she'll end up blaming him if she has to pay anything.

It's not worth getting mixed up in.

Original poster
Plannergirl9 · 29/03/2018 20:01

I don't mind that DH helps his family at all. It's just like he is the parent/adult of the family. When we met he was sorting out MIL and FILs divorce, dealing with both lawyers, banks etc. He was expected to arrange MIL's new mortgage, FIL's car loan and even everyone's holidays. Any big decision DH was expected to research and decide. If it went well, he got no thanks. If it turned out badly he got the blame.

That's why I would like him to help her find the info she needs, suggests she speaks to the council, her mortgage company and maybe a solicitor if necessary, but don't take on the responsibility, the decision making.

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 29/03/2018 20:03

I have to say if any partner tried to interfere with my relationship with my sister I’d be furious. Unless you’re financially or emotionally missing out because of it then leave them to it.

whirlygirly · 29/03/2018 20:04

I think your dh sounds fab. Leave him to it unless he's getting stressed or it's impacting on you or your family.

Nightmanagerfan · 29/03/2018 20:07

He should stay out of it. There’s very good information available for leaseholders eg through the organisation Lease. Your SIL can call them and they can put her right.

If she was getting a bathroom etc she’d have to pay for it! Doesn’t she realise this? Also re the windows she may find it cheaper to get her own contracter to replace them as the councils don’t often get good deals and add management fees on top.

The council will have heard her viewpoint before. I think allowing payment over time is actually quite good. I have to pay within 30 days for any work, and that’s with a housing association.

DairyisClosed · 29/03/2018 20:08

Your SIL sounds quite stupid. If your husband left her to it there is a good chance she would create a huge mess and he would then have to step in and sort that out instead.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 29/03/2018 20:08

That's why I would like him to help her find the info she needs, suggests she speaks to the council, her mortgage company and maybe a solicitor if necessary, but don't take on the responsibility, the decision making.
Sounds like a sensible plan to me. People do need to learn to manage things for themselves, if SIL can take on the responsibility of a mortgage then she needs to be able to deal with things that arise from it. it’s fine to ask for advice or help but not to expect her brother to run round after her.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/03/2018 20:08

Unless there was a compelling health reason or the helper had some special expertise, I’d expect grown ups to sort things shit out for themselves. Of course she’s got to pay for her roof. If she wants the upgrades doing, probably cut price and with limited hassle, she should go ahead. If not, she shouldn’t. How hard can it be to work it out?

Mightymucks · 29/03/2018 20:13

If he wants to help her he should go ahead. No offence, but she doesn’t sound very bright, if DH couldn’t explain it to her then I doubt she’s going to understand more jargon laden stuff from the other agencies.

Urubu · 29/03/2018 20:13

Good plan, he gathers info and present her with options. She decides which one she wants to commit to.

RandomMess · 29/03/2018 20:13

Fine to help but doing it all is too much!!! It sounds like he has crossed the line into taking on too much responsibility IMHO

RadioGaGoo · 29/03/2018 20:13

I was in a similar situation - I owned one flat in a council owned and tenanted block. Had to pay my share of a new security door. Others in block didn't have to pay anything. I didn't want the door, but nothing I could do. It's a pitfall of being an owner in a council block unfortunately.

BustopherJones · 29/03/2018 20:13

How is she not using her roof?!

AlonsosLeftPinky · 29/03/2018 20:14

As an independent adult he should do whatever the fuck HE wants to do, not what anyone else thinks he ought to do.

I mean, what a bloody monster helping his own family.

olderthanyouthink · 29/03/2018 20:16

How on earth can she not be using the roof of her house???

NewYearNewMe18 · 29/03/2018 20:19

If its a block its lease hold.

My first property was aground floor maisonette and I was equally responsible for the roof. Thinking back, it was excouncil and we got free widows as well. result

Original poster
Plannergirl9 · 29/03/2018 20:21

It's a four in a block she is on the ground floor with a apartment above her. Her 'roof' is the floor of the apartment above.

SIL is intelligent, has a degree and a full time job.

OP posts:
Alienspaceship · 29/03/2018 20:22

Oh god, your SIL is deluded. Let her sort herself out and hopefully get a good dose of reality in the process.

Pleasebeafleabite · 29/03/2018 20:27

You’ve not explained how this impacts you

If it doesn’t YABU and he is a grown adult who can help his family if he wishes

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