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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let SIL sort this issue out herself?

57 replies

Plannergirl9 · 29/03/2018 18:41

SIL bought her council house about 5 years ago for quite a bit under it's value and has a small mortgage as a result. She told us at the time it was under £20k.

She lives in a four in a block of which the other three houses are still council rented.

She has received a letter from the council saying that the roof needs work. The letter set out her share of the cost. She can pay it up over a few years.

The same council has announced tenants are going to get new windows, kitchens and bathrooms. The council has offered to do SIL'S windows at the same time and add it to the cost of the roof.

SIL has been over at our house this afternoon quite angry about the fact she has to pay for the roof (that she says she doesn't use) and it's not fair she isn't getting new windows, kitchen or bathroom for 'free' like the council tenants.

DH tried to explain to her that she would have been told about her obligations for repairs etc before she bought the house. He has suggested that she speak to her mortgage company about adding the cost on to the mortgage. DH has suggested she look at her deedsto see what the clauses were for maintenance.

SIL is convinced she shouldn't pay and the council is being unfair to her. She won't listen to reason and is convinced that she is right. She has gone home in a huff as we apparently aren't supportive as we disagree with her.

DH wants to go to SIL'S tomorrow to look for her deeds, speak to her mortgage company and on Tuesday call the council for a meeting to discuss the works on SIL'S behalf. I said that he should help her look for the right information and point her towards getting the best advice but he shouldn't essentially step in to sort it out.

FIL, MIL and SIL have form for expecting DH to set in and sort things out. SIL buying the house was the first time DH didn't step in and organise everything. It was the first time SIL really stood on her own feet.

MIL has been on the phone soon asking DH to sort everything out as has FIL (they are divorced).

DH thinks it is unreasonable for him to not step it and sort everything as SIL won't be able to do so. I think it is unreasonable for DH to be expected to sort everything and that SIL needs to do it herself. DH's role should be to advise only. Wibu?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/03/2018 20:28

How old is she?

Yes, your DH should advise and assist. But not do it for her. Bonkers!

Bunbunbunny · 29/03/2018 20:28

Your sil needs to grow up, what an idiot

MissingPanda · 29/03/2018 20:29

I'm Grin at your SIL not using her roof.

OP YANBU I think it's about time your SIL (MIL and FIL) all grew up and started sorting their own shit out. I think that he could help her out by helping her to find the information she needs and going through it with her but she needs to talk to the council/make the decisions.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/03/2018 20:30

I'd help my siblings if I had the know-how. I'd resent anyone that tried to interfere with the relationship I have with my siblings.

SundayGirls · 29/03/2018 20:32

There's no point you and your DH falling out!! Save that for a problem that directly concerns your marriage!

You can give your opinion but if he wants to help, he wants to help. I would step back.

I think part of the problem might be (making assumptions here) that its not so much how helpless SIL is (although that's annoying) but that it seems like SIL clicks her fingers and DH goes running, and MIL and FIL make sure he does, as though he isn't married and with better things to do than sort her life out even though now she's an adult. (I would and have found this very annoying myself).

But don't fall out with your DH about it. Let him knock himself out on it but stay out of it. You won't win any prizes for being opinionated on the matter, even though it's a valid opinion.

SundayGirls · 29/03/2018 20:33

^^ even though he is married

SunshineAfterRain · 29/03/2018 20:37

I would also agree and say that your dh could help his sister find the paper work. But it is up to her to negotiate with the council and mortgage people not your dh.

I doubt she will get anywhere though.
The area where I live in the 90s sold a lot of their council house to long standing tenants for a reduced price.
But it is understood you pay factor fees for the up keep of the area.
They are now putting in new Windows, cladding, kitchens etc.
The bought houses are liable for their portion.
My friend like you suggested add it on to her mortgage.

GinandGingerBeer · 29/03/2018 20:37

There's nothing to 'sort out' though.
She's not a tenant and she's not entitled to a kitchen/windows or anything else.
She's going to look rather foolish if she tries to claim she has a right to them.

Camiila · 29/03/2018 20:38

She shouldn't be paying for the roof. She presumably pays for buildings insurance. If the roof has been damaged, the buildings insurance should cover it. If it has not been damaged, and is being upgraded, then the council pay, because it is their building and they are increasing its value. If the roof has been damaged and the insurance does not cover it, then agin the council pay, because they have cocked up soemwhere

gillybeanz · 29/03/2018 20:38

YABU, it's who is is and by your own words was like this when you met him.
why would you want him to be something he isn't?

TheletterZ · 29/03/2018 20:43

It is very standard, and reasonable, that all owners in a shared property share the costs of structural repairs. The decision of if the go ahead normally goes with a majority decision and since the council has the majority she will just have to go along with it.

Everyone uses the roof of a building, even if they are ground floor so that arguement won't get her very far.

Cheeseislife · 29/03/2018 20:44

Camiila you obviously don't know much about buying an ex council flat do you?! Plannergirl sorry you married into a bunch of entitled overgrown children, hopefully if your DH manages to convince his prat of a sister there is nothing he can sort they may stop asking him... Small price to pay them thinking he's useless rather than on his case all the time

SaucyJack · 29/03/2018 20:45

She sounds like an idiot. She bought the property- of course the council are no longer going to maintain it in the same way as they did when they used to own it.

Wash your hands of the silly bint. There's nothing for you to "sort out".

SuitedandBooted · 29/03/2018 20:47

SIL has been over at our house this afternoon quite angry about the fact she has to pay for the roof (that she says she doesn't use) and it's not fair she isn't getting new windows, kitchen or bathroom for 'free' like the council tenants

So she expects the council to improve and invest in a property they no longer own and are not responsible for? Confused
I think she DOES need your husband to help, as she is clearly rather dim! I don't think the conversation with the Council will be a long one - just along the lines of, "You own it now, you're liable for the costs incurred".
Adding it to the mortgage is probably the best thing to do.

MacaroniPenguin · 29/03/2018 20:49

She may be in the wrong but she's also stressed and feels she is being treated unfairly.

Life is too short to begrudge your DH helping out his sister.

myrtleWilson · 29/03/2018 20:50

Camilla - when you buy a council flat you take on responsibility for communal areas - so lift, gardens, and a roof. The council has to follow certain steps to ensure any owners are given a chance to look at the spec, to look at the quotes received - some set ups will have a sinking fund that is funded by a service charge that will contribute...

PlumsGalore · 29/03/2018 20:53

No way does she have a degree and think she shouldn't share the roof costs and think she should get windows for free!

Good grief, she sounds ridiculous, I think DH should help her with contacts but let her make the calls and sort out the finances. She sounds useless.

SunnyCoco · 29/03/2018 20:53

I’ve had experience of ownership of an ex Council flat in a tenanted block, the long and short of it is that she IS obliged to pay. So not really much to ‘sort out’

I reckon He should help but only up to a point, and perhaps more in a ‘showing her what to do’ way as it’s ridiculous to keep expecting him to sort out another adult

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2018 20:54

@Camiila clearly you’ve never owned a leasehold property in a block of flats, let alone an ex-council one. Don’t give advice on things you don’t understand.

PlumsGalore · 29/03/2018 20:56

Camilia, are you the SIl? Lol, you can't buy a property then expect the council to maintain it. You own your share, you are therefore financially responsible for your share. So a quarter of the costs associated with a quad.

Fengshui · 29/03/2018 20:57

She bought the property and in all the myriad of info that she had to read and sign up to before she bought it would have said she is actually responsible for a portion of the bills etc.

What she is saying is that she wants the capital benefits without any of the corresponding responsibilities and expenses.

It's not for your DH to 'sort out'. It is for your SIl to discuss with her conveyancer.

JessicaJonesJacket · 29/03/2018 21:00

YABU. Your DH wants to help. They have a long-standing family dynamic of your DH being the capable one and tbh it's probably integral to your DH's sense of self. Let him get on with it.

Takfujuimoto · 29/03/2018 21:02

She sounds dense and entitled and it's quite worrying that she has been able to complete a degree and gained a mortgage Confused

I think you probably can't stop him from helping out since they all expect it from him now but instead of doing it all he should as others have said give options or the relevant information so she can make a final choice/decision.

Original poster
Plannergirl9 · 29/03/2018 21:05

Again I don't mind DH helping his family! I only have an issue with him being expected to shoulder all responsibility. He gets stressed about having to be the one who is expected to know all the answers. And if he gets it wrong, it's cast up to him until they need him to fix something else. He has been trying to get them to look after things themselves.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. I just worry about him always being expected to fix everything.

DH is 36, 7 years younger than his sister.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 29/03/2018 21:08

Your SIL bought the flat without any input from your DH so she can navigate paperwork etc. I’d be tempted to let her get on with it but, even if DH does step in to help, you should perhaps stay out of it.