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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband missing dds birthday

26 replies

starbucks2015 · 29/03/2018 18:08

It's dds first birthday today and I've done everything down to making the cake buying the present, wrapping the present and making special tea. I brought her and her brother to a playcentre. My husband promised me he'd get the train at 5 to be home for 6 to see her open her presents and have some cake with her. He rings me now at 6 to say he missed the train at 5 and wouldn't be home until 7:15 now. Why ring at the time your expected home at when I've had dinner ready for that time. Dd is tired and starting to get grouchy. Her usual bedtime is 7. I just feel very deflated about DH not making more of an effort for her birthday especially her first. I know she doesn't really get what's going on but I still wanted to celebrate it with and mark the occasion. AIBU

OP posts:
yawning801 · 29/03/2018 18:09

How did he miss the train? If he was tied up in a meeting I would understand.

juicygirly · 29/03/2018 18:10

Ah I'm sorry to hear it's not going according to plan.

Could you just let dd open the present, the kids have some cake and then you put the kids to bed . You and DH could have some cake later on after dinner and if you film dd opening the present etc he can watch it then perhaps?

Chienrouge · 29/03/2018 18:13

Well DH was on a stag weekend for DD2’s first birthday so we celebrated it another day. They don’t know what day it is.
If he genuinely missed the train because he was tied up at work I wouldn’t be bothered. If he missed it because he went for a drink or something I’d be pissed off.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 29/03/2018 18:13

I would feel the same. if that was me I would have been straight on the phone when I missed the train and I would have been gutted. He doesn't sound it.

ilovesooty · 29/03/2018 18:15

What time does he normally finish work? If it's 5 perhaps he was tied up and simply couldn't leave early.

Original poster
starbucks2015 · 29/03/2018 18:16

I offered to celebrate her birthday a weekend day but with Easter we had other stuff on and he said the actual day of her birthday was fine and he'd finish a bit earlier. Tbh it's more my other child who's excited about dds birthday

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/03/2018 18:16

Yanbu, he could have made an effort. She won’t know, but he could have been there for you, who it matters to.

bonnyshide · 29/03/2018 18:17

Could you postpone celebrations until tomorrow? At 1 she won't know any different.

RadioGaGoo · 29/03/2018 18:18

Even if he was tied up, could he not call before the time he was due home to say he was going to be late? That's just basic manners.

Lizzie48 · 29/03/2018 18:19

My DH would have been gutted to miss any of our DDs' parties (though they wouldn't have happened at all if I'd left it to him to organise them!). It's possible your DH is disappointed, if he was stuck in a meeting. I would just record the key moment when you sing 'Happy birthday' and cut the cake and share it with your DH when he gets back.

YANBU to be disappointed though. Thanks

PinkHeart5914 · 29/03/2018 18:19

Tbh if my dh had to work or have other commitments that couldn’t be changed on the birthday I would of celebrated another day as at 1 the child has no idea and I’d rather have a nice day together than a rushed hour before dc bedtime.

If he missed the train becuase he was tired up with work then really it can’t be helped and sometimes especially work things don’t go to plan.

I’d put dd to bed now and do the cake and presents tomorrow

thecatsthecats · 29/03/2018 18:20

yawning - for my own benefit and for other people's, I always make clear if I must finish a meeting on time. A child's birthday would be one of those reasons.

I don't just throw it around, but a "Can we finish promptly at x? I have arrangements this evening." has done me no harm whatsoever, from the lowest to highest ranks.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/03/2018 18:24

thecats I totally agree; but there are times that wouldn't work - we've got a bit of an unprecedented crisis at work at the moment and a lady today missed her flight because of a meeting that didn't quite run to time and she couldn't dash off without arrangements being made for the long weekend. Despite best intentions; she was five minutes late.

Not likely; granted! I'd see why he's late though. And I agree with celebrating tomorrow; to be honest. If the Easter festivities are more important than her birthday; that might explain why he's allowed himself to be llate, in a roundabout way?

Original poster
starbucks2015 · 29/03/2018 18:25

I think if he'd of rang me earlier to say he was running late I'd be more understanding wouldn't have stuck dinner on would have allowed dd another nap to keep her up that bit later. When he rang at 6 I assumed he was just ringing to say he was off train and to see if I needed anything in the shop. Anyway thanks everyone for letting me vent going to go let her open her presents and make the most of it now. Sure who know me and the kids might miss his birthday this year Smilemind you the house to himself might be his idea of an ideal birthday

OP posts:
BackforGood · 29/03/2018 18:26

Obviously none of us know his job, his seniority, how easy it is to finish early, how often the trains are, etc.,etc., but generally speaking I'd say YABU. If parents are at work, then celebrate a 1 yr old's birthday at the weekend. You've actually got 4 days this weekend you could have chosen. Daft to start trying to do stuff when a baby is ready for bed.

Butterymuffin · 29/03/2018 18:28

But he'd said today was fine after OP offered the weekend. I'd be annoyed by the lateness and not calling earlier. Video the singing / cake cutting, don't keep her up.

Snowjoker · 29/03/2018 18:29

Backforgood the dh specifically said not to do it at the weekend.

Babyplaymat · 29/03/2018 18:32

The missing the train wouldn't bother me as much, but given he would have known at 1705 why wait till1800?

Notonthestairs · 29/03/2018 18:36

Well regardless of his wishes I think I'd tell older child that we would celebrate in the morning (extra special breakfast - she/he can help prepare and choose if possible perhaps with your DH). Then do cake etc with everyone present.

Your 1 year old won't mind either way.

I'd be narked about this unless there was a good reason - at one year old it's your celebration of having your child more than anything. But unless he's a bit of a dick otherwise I'd let it go.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 29/03/2018 18:41

just do it tomorrow, it's really not such a big deal. Your DH will be coming home later than he wanted, the last thing he needs is having someone moan at him about it.

Some jobs might let you go on the dot, others have things that come up and you can't leave early unless you have a valid reason. Your 1 year old birthday cake is not one!

LyndaSnellsFeet · 29/03/2018 18:45

others have things that come up and you can't leave early unless you have a valid reason. Your 1 year old birthday cake is not one!

I've never worked anywhere that wouldn't have let someone leave on time for their child's birthday.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 29/03/2018 18:49

I've never worked anywhere that wouldn't have let someone leave on time for their child's birthday.

good for you, so you have never worked for emergency services, for private businesses dealing with last minute crisis, for demanding clients, in a business where your colleagues had genuine crisis and had to leave.

I am all about flexibility but sometimes there's a deadline, and it has to be met. Sometimes you have a meeting and it would be awfully rude to cut it short for no reason.

LyndaSnellsFeet · 29/03/2018 18:53

Well no I've not worked for emergency services but I've certainly worked for the other two.

And my partner works in finance in a very deadline driven role and still manages to leave on time, especially if he has an arrangement like that one in place.

BackforGood · 29/03/2018 23:30

I've never worked anywhere that wouldn't have let someone leave on time for their child's birthday.

Well that's nice for you, but lots of people work in jobs where you have to deal with ever evolving situations. Not just emergency services, but all sorts of roles in all sorts of industries.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 30/03/2018 10:08

even a nursery worker can be delayed because a parent is late and someone has to stay with their child until they arrive, and then miss their train!

It's even worst if you have a high profile role in finance or other, you don't leave your staff to get on with it because of a birthday party. That's just rude.

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