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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he?!

32 replies

pinkblonde311 · 29/03/2018 17:51

Long story short, met a guy on a dating site, really liked him, met him a few times and we said we were "seeing each other". We talked a lot on whatsapp.

I hid my profile on the site meaning other members can't see it but I still have the account. He didn't hide his, though he did say he didn't really use it anymore.

I then unhid it, kind of to level the playing field, because I wanted us to be in the same position - either we're both on it or we're both not.

He then went from messaging me all the time to hardly ever, and ignoring me a lot over the next few days.

He then got the hump with me, told me I was being shady and deceiving him and obviously trying to meet men. I pointed out that he must have logged on to know that I was on it, but he didn't acknowledge that really, just told me that he doesn't go on it.

Given that we're both 32, I thought I could be the adult, apologise for somehow hurting him, reassure him he was my one and only interest, and that be that. But no, instead he got mad at me, telling me it was over, because I wasn't capable of telling the truth and he couldn't trust me.

So I told him the truth - that I hadn't "cheated" but was levelling the playing field and he could trust me or not, up to him. He said he didn't believe me and it was over. I said he should trust me and that trust takes time, he said it was time he wasn't willing to give. I asked if he would change his mind, he said no.

I'm ashamed to say I did send a few more long messages basically saying how much I liked him, wanted to be with him and reassuring him. He's read the messages but not replied.

So AIBU to think he's making excuses and I've done nothing wrong?

or is he BU over the whole thing?!

It seems so ridiculous to me! He's had a lot of girlfriends but nearly all have cheated on him, I know he's paranoid it'll happen again so that kind of explains his worrying but not him dumping me, thinking I've got men lined up!!

I really liked him as well.

Also - why argue over it, keep messaging me asking me to "tell the truth" about why I unhid the profile, then say "you done talking with me then" cos I don't reply for a while, only to then dump me and ignore me?!!! Why refuse to believe me?

AIBU here?

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 29/03/2018 17:53

That would be far too much hard work for me so early on. It is all very game playing and teenage. Give up and stop messaging him, it isn't worth it.

Louiselouie0890 · 29/03/2018 17:57

Doomed from day 1

Itsnotanthrax · 29/03/2018 17:58

What Name change said.

Kaykay06 · 29/03/2018 18:02

Kinda think he’s playing games though isn’t he, he sounds like a bit of a tool if that’s all it takes for him to end things then I think you’ve had a lucky escape.

Speaking from experience and have now given up with online dating, it’s so fickle. If I’m meant to meet someone I will but think I just can’t be bothered chatting to men who really just want some attention. Really sorry this happened to you but I’m sure you’ll meet someone nice soon, just toughen up a bit and take your time,

ClareB83 · 29/03/2018 18:09

I think you were a bit silly in the first place for 'levelling the playing field' without telling him. You could have just asked him to hide his profile and if he declined asked how he'd feel if you unhid yours.

However he has now been equally ridiculous by assuming you're being unfaithful by doing what he's doing. If he is so insecure from previous relationships though, even if you hadn't done this something else probably would have set him off.

Just write it off and move on.

Poptart4 · 29/03/2018 18:09

How long have you been with this guy? I'm guessing not long? This is too much drama for a new relationship.

It does sound like he's very insecure and paranoid about being cheated on. I know he has his reasons for feeling this way but you shouldn't be punished for his previous girlfriends actions.

The fact that he still has a profile on a dating website is shady in my eyes and I wouldnt be OK with it. But the fact you reactivated your profile to 'have an even playing field' is very immature. You should have just told him straight that your not comfortable with it and if he was serious about having a relationship with you then he needs to delete it ASAP.

He could be using this as an excuse to dump you or he could be telling the truth about not trusting you. Tbh I think he's doing you favour by ending it and you've dodged a bullet with this guy. He's either a Jealous man who will need constant reassurance and always be paranoid about you cheating. I've seen this ruin many a relationship.

Or he's a game playing creep who's stringing you along. Really no excuse to still have his dating profile.

Run a mile from this guy and never look back.

seventh · 29/03/2018 18:13

I wouldn't be interested in this conversation with a guy after 6 months of regular dating.

He wants out. He is looking for an excuse to get rid of you. I'd wave bye bye with alacrity 👌

magoria · 29/03/2018 18:14

Who told you all his previous girlfriends cheated on him? Especially considering he is also accusing you of similar...

It all seems a little petty and immature from the start.

However he is a hypacryte that he can still have a profile live and active but you can't.

whichwayisitnow · 29/03/2018 18:14

Run for the hills and don't look back.

He appears to have serious issues around trust, and asssumes all women will cheat on him with other men. He won't change, he will always think you are a liar and a cheat, no matter what you say.

Mightymucks · 29/03/2018 18:15

You both sound a bit childish and probably incompatible for that reason. Just leave it. Hopefully both of you will meet someone else a bit more sensible and level headed who won’t indulge these sort of games.

mzcracker · 29/03/2018 18:16

Too much drama. If he liked you that much he'd have come off the site too. Sounds like excuses and projection..let him go.

Ruffian · 29/03/2018 18:21

Don't really understand your reasons for 'levelling the field', it would have been more mature for you to tell him you preferred him to hide his profile.
That aside, of course he's BU not to listen to you and try to mess with your head. If most of his girlfriends dumped him then there's probably something not quite right and you might as well find out now.

Bet you're too good for him anyway! Flowers

Situp · 29/03/2018 18:25

Life is far too short for this drama. It shouldn't be this hard or complicated. Not sure who is BU, lost the will halfway through Blush

ReanimatedSGB · 29/03/2018 18:30

Run like fuck. Silly little man.
Also, the lesson to take away from this is: don't take online dating, or relationships, too seriously. Dick is abundant and low value, and any man who starts messing about can be dumped straight away - there will always be another one. Besides, being single is much better than being in a relationship with any kind of man other than a really, really nice one.

BossWitch · 29/03/2018 18:32

Urgh the drama. Could not be fucked. Get rid.

JeSaisPas · 29/03/2018 18:35

HWBU for keeping his profile active when you were supposedly in a relationship.

YWBU for game playing and reactivating your profile to get back at him.

As he's been cheated on so much, I guess that's why he's so paranoid and any wrong move would have had you ditched. I agree with PP that the relationship was never going to work.

Avasarala · 29/03/2018 18:40

What's with the game playing? Why did you feel the need to level the playing field? Maybe he kept his so he could see if you were still using it - since he's had lots of people cheat on him?

A few weeks in and not exclusive- he had no reason to delete his. But you took yours down, and then put it back up. What he did just looks like a guy not bothering to close something. What you did looks like someone actively turning on a dating site. Much worse.

Should have waited a few weeks and then had the "are we exclusive" talk. And if yes, both deleted profiles together etc.

You're maybe just not right for each other.

Shockers · 29/03/2018 18:48

He hedged his bets but copped a strop when he thought you might be doing the same.

Now he’s saved you the job of realising he’s a twit.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/03/2018 19:40

All this drama so early on. I'm exhausted just reading your OP!

Cut your ties and move on. Some people thrive on the drama thinking that it means passion - it doesn't.

Original poster
pinkblonde311 · 30/03/2018 23:08

Op here

Well not much to add except I realised he slept with me right after he found out i had unhid it!

We have messaged a bit but it’s more of the same, him saying he can’t trust me, that he doesn’t believe me and doesn’t want the uncertainty so it’s over. I’ve told him how I feel and explained it but he said there’s nothing I can say to change his mind.

Funnily enough when I call him out on sleeping with me after I unhid it he says it’s cos he wanted to, then gets angry and says bye. When I called him out on being ridiculous and how he must have logged on he just ignored it

He’s asked me not to message him again and he said bye so I said bye.

Don’t know why I’m feeling so upset. I liked him but the way he acted was awful.

Wondering if it was just an excuse to dump me (cos it took him a few days !) or if he’s just paranoid and insecure and scared of getting hurt

I know he didn’t use the site much tho

OP posts:
crazycatlady5 · 30/03/2018 23:15

ugh dating sites. What a mess.

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 23:22

Some men think it's one rule for them, and another for women.

It was also important for his petty self to end contact on his terms, not yours. I.e. He had to be the one to ignore your long messages asking for another chance.

Can you imagine being married to this twat?! You're well rid.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/03/2018 23:24

You sound like you need to learn some boundaries and build your self-esteem quite a bit before you embark on further dating adventures.

Just let him go. Block, delete and work on yourself.

Gemini69 · 30/03/2018 23:50

He's more than happy to still be one the OLD site.. but was furious you are also still on the same site.. Hmm his double standards are fucking laughable... oh and stop texting this creeeeeeeeep

Bin Block Delete Flowers

sailorcherries · 31/03/2018 00:20

You both seem terrible at communicating. No mention of a conversation about exclusivity and deleting/hiding profiles, only assumption. No asking him about why his was still active, only assumption. No real discussion with you about why you unhid yours, only arguments.
No wonder it failed.

I do wonder though OP, when you hid your profile were you still logging on to check on him? Surely once you hide it you then don't check it until/if you unhide it?

I met my OH online. We had a discussion about feelings and closing accounts before becoming official. Both of us acknowledged our feelings and decided on the next step together. We've been together 3 years; 1 house, 1 baby and 1 proposal later we are incredibly happy. We have ups and downs but nothing serious. Online dating can work but both parties need to communicate, as with any relationship.