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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No babies text!

75 replies

SGIB14 · 29/03/2018 11:08

After nearly 2 years together and lots of chat about where we see ourselves in the future I.e. marriage babies etc. He TEXTS me telling me he doesn't want any more kids (we have 1 each from precious relationships) and says if I can't deal with that then we're over. This completely came out the blue we've not spoke about the whole baby thing at all because now isn't the ideal time. I feel so annoyed he just texts me with a decision like that. He then admits he hasn't put any thought into it he just decided and that's it. No conversations just a bloody text.
I've spoke to him about how I felt about the text and what that felt like for me and he's apologised but says the message still stands and he doesn't want kids but wants me and our relationship to work. I just can't get past it though. Insensitive git! Rant over 😊

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 29/03/2018 16:32

It’s not so much the content of the text that would bother me, though if you do want kids then it might bother you.
It’s the fact he’s made a decision and given you an ultimatum about it. What happens next time you both want different things? Will he just tell you it’s his way, or the highway’? That’s no way to have a relationship with anyone

TheNaze73 · 29/03/2018 16:35

I think it’s down to the individual, as to what news you deliver by text. He’s completely misjudged his audience with this one.

Does he struggle with conflict, face to face?

Idontdowindows · 29/03/2018 16:36

I don't understand why you're trying to repair. He's already shown he doesn't deem you worthy of a face to face ultimatum for goodness sake!

TheNaze73 · 29/03/2018 16:37

And Bluedog makes a great point.

What happens next time you both want different things? Will he just tell you it’s his way, or the highway’? That’s no way to have a relationship with anyone

It’s no way to function, I often think this when you read thread from people demanding marriage.

eddielizzard · 29/03/2018 16:42

how does he think your relationship is going to work if he issues dictata like that? issue your own, via text of course:

i want a relationship with an adult who is able to discuss things. if you can't deal with that then we're over.

Pinkvoid · 29/03/2018 16:45

The fact he’s changed his mind about having more children isn’t really the issue (although it would upset a lot of people if they wanted more children and this had been in the plan.) It really is the fact he’s just randomly text you it. Things like this shouldn’t be said via text, he’s proving himself to be a real coward. I would LTB.

Mrsmadevans · 29/03/2018 16:46

He prob just had to blurt it out like that OP because he couldn't get the courage up to tell you. Cowardly but ...... it did the job. If it is a deal breaker then at least you now know for defo. Good luck with whatever you chose to do .

rothbury · 29/03/2018 16:47

So you are still in some kind of relationship/shit with this wankbadger?

Do you live together? If not, post anything of his at yours, text him that he is dumped, and block him.

What is wrong with you that you would tolerate this shitty treatment?

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2018 16:52

Yes, concentrate on your family things and take care of those first.

But then you need, before anything else, to ask yourself if you are willing to forego future children for the sake of keeping this particular man. And you cannot depend or build a future on him saying 'maybe someday I'll feel different'. You'll find yourself a few years down the road still wanting that child and him still putting it off. Or worse yet, him coming out with a 'no way' when you've reached the end of your 'relatively easy to get pregnant' childbearing years.

I've known more than one man who has attempted to 'wait out' his wife's childbearing abilities with excuse after excuse.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/03/2018 16:53

Was the text completely out of the blue or part of a text conversation

You: when can we have babies? 🤪
Him: I don't want any more kids 🤔
You: I do its very important to me 😍
Him: is not something I want or see in my future , so if you can't accept I don't see a future for us. 😔

Is very different from

No conversation ongoing then first text
Jim: I don't want kids with you ever
You: OK......where did that come from, let's discuss
Him: no need, you want them you are dumped

The context of the text is important, if you are discussing or have discussed in the past your future via text he may have thought it OK. Some couples are very texty.

Or he might be an arse.

Either way everyone is allowed to decide if they want more kids or not by themselves without a discussion as it is an individuals choice not to have dc and no one should be pushed or emotionally coerced into having one. The only decision now is whether you want to stay and again that is your choice alone.

Original poster

SGIB14 · 29/03/2018 16:55

I think I'm so stuck because it was going in the direction we both said we wanted and I was happy, secure and in love and now I'm just a mess of these feelings mixed with insecurity disappointment and confusion.
I'm pretty much as stressed as I can get at the moment so I've kind of stuck my head in the sand until I have the strength to deal with it but obv that isn't working or I wouldn't be posting.
Ohhhhh what a mess!

OP posts:

Original poster

SGIB14 · 29/03/2018 17:01

We have talked about having another baby. But not recently. We were talking via text about something completely unrelated and he just text saying I've got to be honest with you about something. I've decided I don't want another child and if you do then go find someone else to have one with because it won't be with me. I tried ringing and he text saying it wasn't answering and wanted to text and then gave me the ultimatum of its him and our relationship or more kids. It was just so insensitive and unkind.

OP posts:

Bettercallsaul1 · 29/03/2018 17:02

Agree with all pps that it isn't the sentiments that are wrong here (that he definitely doesn't want more children) but his dreadful way of conveying them. No further discussion, no talking directly to you, no eye contact, no concern for your reaction. Just a terse ultimatum, long distance, by text.

This speaks volumes, OP, and augers very badly for your future together. Sometimes the medium is the message.

CruCru · 29/03/2018 17:07

It sounds as though you just don't feel the same way about this man - not necessarily because he doesn't want kids but because of the way he told you. It sounds from your second post that he's led you on - he thinks you want more children and has mentioned a girl's name to make you think that he wants the same as you. Perhaps he was trying to convince himself. Either way it isn't attractive.

It is fine to decide to postpone making a decision, particularly as it sounds as though you have some other things on. Equally, it is fine to decide that you just don't want to stay with this man.

I'd suggest that you don't dump him by text - it'll be easier for you if you do it like a grown up (even if he doesn't act like on). Be matter of fact - "I just don't feel the same way about you" is a perfectly reasonable reason to split up with someone.

TuscanMum · 29/03/2018 17:08

I think it sounds like he wants to end it, sorry.

Fairenuff · 29/03/2018 17:08

I've spoke to him about the text issue and told him it was absolutely disgusting and something I won't tolerate.

But you are tolerating it

2018SoFarSoGreat · 29/03/2018 17:10

OP that stinks. Much more than his decision but the fact there does not seem to be a real communication stream, at least from him. After two years, I'd expect much more. It does not bode well for the future, IMO. Sorry, really hard for you when you thought it was all good, but it really isn't.

DarkRoomDarren · 29/03/2018 17:25

Ugh he sounds really horrible in that last update. “...go and have one with someone else” . What a horrible way to phrase that and then to refuse to answer the phone? Tell him to go and fuck himself.

Viviennemary · 29/03/2018 17:26

That does sound nasty. He's too cowardly to end the relationship and wants you to end it. That's what I think now. I think you should dump him by text. He showed you little consideration why should you show him any.

kittensinmydinner1 · 29/03/2018 17:26

Well I guess if you can forgive his crass and insensitive way of telling you, as long as you don't want more kids then it's fine, if you do, then you need to do some hard decision making.
There is not much of a discussion to be had though. Once one party decides its a no, then that's where it stops. Children aren't a thing that partners should persuade each other in to, like a camping holiday or a fortnight in the Caribbean. It's either a whole hearted yes from both parties or no. This is why 'accidental' pregnancy seldom works as a long term child rearing strategy.

LetsGoBitches · 29/03/2018 17:30

If you stay together you need counselling to figure out how you communicate. Turning off his phone after he drops a bomb like that is a deal breaker.

I can’t see a future for you together.
Sorry, but in a way not sorry. Most of the previous posters on your thread have said the same thing as me.
The collective wisdom of MN is shoving you out of the way of a train wreck, so yes, sorry of it’s a bit rough, but you’ll thank us later.

He’s a disrespectful arse you know, and you deserve a kinder person who loves you enough to go the extra inch and communicate properly and respectfully.

I wouldn’t waste anymore time on him tbh. I’d text him back and say “we’re finished”.
You know that it is finished, don’t you?

BugsyMcGee · 29/03/2018 17:33

My partner at the time started coming out with random things he had "decided". Things he knew would upset me or that I'd never want to do (have his child, let him shove his dick up my arse, fuck without a condom, open relationship, some bullshit that he carried a knife he kept buried outside our block of flats that he wouldn't show me, on and on blah blah blah).
Turns out he was trying to get me to throw him out (well. Duh).

All together now....he was fucking someone else.

He also only wanted to communicate by text (because he was with her at the time)

I'm not saying this is the case here but do have a think if there's been warning signs you may have missed because you've got a lot going on elsewhere in your life.

Lizzie48 · 29/03/2018 17:39

Having read the update, the way he told you was completely disrespectful and unkind, I wouldn't waste any more time on this bloke.

mellicauli · 29/03/2018 18:28

This relationship is over. You are probably convenient on the domestic front but emotionally he's checked out.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2018 18:50

Sounds to me as if this has been on his mind for quite some time and he just got the guts to tell you. So either he's been stringing you along from day one, or he really had a hard think about it and decided he doesn't want more kids. Either way, he's made his position perfectly (if clumsily) clear.

Is he worth giving up your desire for more children?

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