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Original poster

No babies text!

75 replies

SGIB14 · 29/03/2018 11:08

After nearly 2 years together and lots of chat about where we see ourselves in the future I.e. marriage babies etc. He TEXTS me telling me he doesn't want any more kids (we have 1 each from precious relationships) and says if I can't deal with that then we're over. This completely came out the blue we've not spoke about the whole baby thing at all because now isn't the ideal time. I feel so annoyed he just texts me with a decision like that. He then admits he hasn't put any thought into it he just decided and that's it. No conversations just a bloody text.
I've spoke to him about how I felt about the text and what that felt like for me and he's apologised but says the message still stands and he doesn't want kids but wants me and our relationship to work. I just can't get past it though. Insensitive git! Rant over 😊

OP posts:
Hissy · 29/03/2018 13:06

What did he actually say - not word for word, but was this as part of a bigger text convo? or did this come out of the blue?

I find that those who issue ultimatums need to be given their marching orders there and then.

Motoko · 29/03/2018 13:17

Since Autism awareness months is nearly here perhaps you can forgive him the wrong communication choice.

Eh? What's that got to do with anything? OP never mentioned autism.

pigsDOfly · 29/03/2018 13:20

Where in the OP does it say that this man is autistic Topology, and how is Autism month relevant to his communication choices.

No one sends a text to their partner about something that is important to them, you talk to them face to face.

Fairenuff · 29/03/2018 13:24

Arsehole awareness month more like it.

SunnyCoco · 29/03/2018 13:26

I know this sounds a bit weird but do you have any suspicions about him being unfaithful?
Only this exact thing happened to a friend of mine and it was due to a pregnancy scare with the OW
Sorry to bring it up if it’s out of the question. Just seems odd to be so out of the blue doesn’t it

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/03/2018 13:35

Truthfully it sounds like this is his way of saying he has no long term commitment to your relationship, and if you're not happy to keep it casual he wants out now.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 29/03/2018 13:36

That's very insensitive. You have to decide whether either or both of the not wanting babies and the thinking it's ok to tell you by text is a deal breaker. Personally even if I were willing to not have more DC I'd find his methods very unkind.

GnotherGnu · 29/03/2018 13:38

I think I'd text "Don't forget to put your key back through the letterbox as you leave."

Cath2907 · 29/03/2018 13:41

How about you texting back "I see an additional 2 babies in my future, if you don't want to be the father of them you can leave. However I'd [refer it if you stayed and we enlarged our family together".

You've both texted your ultimatums - let's see who cracks first!

expatinscotland · 29/03/2018 13:41

This is a no brainer. Dump him by text. 'I'm not interested in a relationship with a person who communicates like you. You're right, I can't deal with that. I deserve more. We're finished. Goodbye.'

Then block and delete.

What a twat to not even bother to tell you to your face.

NowApparently · 29/03/2018 13:44

Baby issue aside, the fact he chose to deliver this very final ultimatum via text shows me he has no respect for you as a grown woman who is more than capable of holding a conversation. He is not your parent, he does not get to TELL you anything, he can discuss it like an adult.

Get rid, you deserve someone doesn't think it's acceptable to dictate the route a relationship will take by text.

mavismcruet · 29/03/2018 13:49

Not because of the baby issue, but because he is texting you ultimatums and threats rather than having an adult discussion on life changing decisions.

This!

Sorry OP, he sounds like a real nobber Flowers

DextroDependant · 29/03/2018 13:50

Have you mentioned at all that you do want babies ?

I only ask because my ex always said how he wanted babies and I said from the start that as I have 3 children I don't want any more.

He always put pressure on me to have more until I text him point blank NO. Having discussions didntwork because it's not really something you can compromise on. I don't want any more kids. I am not having any more so basically if he wanted some he needed to find someone else who wants the same things as him.

I could totally be projecting but for me q text was the only way I felt I could make myself heard.

Rafflesway · 29/03/2018 13:53

Agree with pp's who have suggested he wants out of the relationship and chances are there is ow on the scene somewhere.

If I where you I would definitely dump! You have nothing to lose from the tone of that text. You are worth far more!

Birdsgottafly · 29/03/2018 13:57

Is he able to speak to you about these issues, or do you get very upset? How did you get to the point were you know he didn't put any thought into it?

MeanTangerine · 29/03/2018 14:00

He texted it to you because he was too scared to say it to your face.

At least he's told you now & at least he's been honest. I'm not at all sure that he does want to break up with you, and I'm not sure that this is a dumping-worthy offence, unless babies are a deal-breaker for you.

He does need some coaching in communication skills though.

Alwaysstressed999 · 29/03/2018 14:01

Wow!! Super knob!! If there is a future with you both then that’s a decision that should be made together! Get rid 👋

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2018 15:55

So, there are two issues.

Most important (imo) is the 'no more kids issue'. That's something that everyone has the right to decide for him/herself and if they feel that way, then that's it. No arguing to try to change their mind. You just say "Well, that's too bad. I do want kids so I'm moving on".

Secondly is the issue of the text. Tacky, I agree. But there are some people who simply cannot bear confrontation and argument about something they've made up their minds about so they take the easiest way out by texting or emailing. They should be 'braver' I suppose, but at least they get their information/decision 'out there' rather than sit on it and keep silent. I guess it's no different really than the old 'Dear John/Jane' letters of pre-email/text days.

My ex didn't tell me he didn't want kids, had NEVER wanted kids, until we'd been married almost 4 years. I would have thanked God on bended knee for a text before I married him!

AllisLost · 29/03/2018 16:03

I suspect the context is important here.

You said you'd been together for two years and had lots of cha about the future. I guess that in those chats at various times you have said that you'd love more kids/like to have a child with him/wondered whether a child of yours would be dark like him or tall like you - or something. You might not even have realised you were doing it.

He probably hedged with, "Well let's just focus on the kids we have for now/ It's a bit soon to be planning babies/ I'm very happy with the four of us etc

There may have been a trigger today which made him realise he hadn't been clear - and he panicked and sent a text which couldn't be misunderstood.
A mistake of course. Talk to him. Understand why he did it. Decide if you want to stay with him after a real conversation.

If you have been really happy for 2 years and enough to have you thinking long term there must be something there.

DarkRoomDarren · 29/03/2018 16:07

Could it be that in previous conversations he’s felt pressured by you for some reason? Very strange for him to text out of the blue. Or maybe something about his existing dc has come up and he’s wary of adding to his responsibilities?

I think texting is a very odd way to have this conversation, but, if he really doesn’t want any more children, then that’s that really. Either you can accept that or move on with someone else.

I’d probably want to find out where it came from though. Did he always feel that way but didn’t feel able to tell me that when we were discussing our future etc or has something else triggered it?

DarkPeakScouter · 29/03/2018 16:11

Without children together do you see a future with this man?

Lizzie48 · 29/03/2018 16:16

You do need to tell him that you found it very hurtful that he told you this bluntly by text, and have a go at discussing it face to face. I expect he'll be very sorry that he's upset you, if the relationship has indeed been a good one.

Then you need to decide whether you can be happy without any more babies, and whether your relationship can survive this. If not, then you have your answer, and you'll be grateful that he told you how he actually felt rather than stringing you along.

Original poster
SGIB14 · 29/03/2018 16:19

I really appreciate all the messages. It nothing else alot of them have made me smile.
We've talked about having a child together. He even suggested a name for a little girl the other week which was again out the blue. I've spoke to him about the text issue and told him it was absolutely disgusting and something I won't tolerate. But it's left us in a weird place. We are trying to repair from it but it's left me really insecure about our future together.
I've got alot of family things going on at the min which aren't related to him so I've just kind of prioritised my family problems at the moment and put this on the back burner but I just can't stop feeling sad about the whole thing, it was so disrespectful and hurtful so I don't know how to move on from this with or without him xx

OP posts:
rocketgirl22 · 29/03/2018 16:23

Thanks for your text. Your finished. Your bags are outside. Enjoy your life.

Turn off phone.

bastardkitty · 29/03/2018 16:31

He behaved despicably. Please don't drift into keeping the relationship going. I know you have lots on. Please take some proper time out from the relationship to think about what you want. You deserve to be treated much better than this.