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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not announce the birth for a few days.

50 replies

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 21:32

Long story short - with dd, we were spam called by her dad's family as soon as she came out of me. Our phones kept going off and all we wanted was time with our newborn baby girl.
So anyway, the labour wasn't overly difficult for me but hard enough as there were a few complications and I was nearly emergency c sectioned. I hadn't slept for nearly 37 hours due to the labour and birth and a noise ward and wanting to watch my little girl and I hadn't eaten either as the hospital forgot essentially and I didn't pack any snacks.
I was tired when I bought her home and all I wanted was a nice day with my little family and dcs dad's family came over. They stayed for hours. Gave me unwanted advice and wouldn't leave.
So fast forward to her being 3 days old. In that time one of his family members threatened to report me due to an 'untidy house' which frightened me. One came over and said "you look awful, really rough and tired" and proceeded to talk about my brothers suicide right Infront of me and trying to cover it up.
They didn't allow me the privacy to breastfeed or let dd sleep. They HAD to bottle feed her and prod at her. (I was doing both breast and formula and this went on as well as spam phone calls and texts until I broke down with pnd, I didn't bond with dd right away due to her dad having her for the first two weeks because I was constantly cleaning incase she did report me and in the end I ended up sobbing every night.

So ds is due very soon and I've decided to take a different approach. His family came over (he's not my dp anymore, but he's here for the birth and to support me and look after dd) and kept saying they wanted photos immediately when he's born etc and want to come over to stop the night (with their dogs when I have a cat and not a lot of money to put them up if I wanted to)

So Ive decided when I have him that I don't want to tell anyone aside from my mom who's looking after dd. I want no announcements made. I want no phone calls or texts or spam calls or knocks at the door and this time I'm being brutal about it. I won't open the door, nothing.
But my mom will know and be here to support me which then makes me feel a bit... Like a bitch and unreasonable? They are his family too.. But after last time I can't do it again. I need my privacy with my little family and I need time.
I spoke to my mom about it and she said it was a bit unfair in her opinion to keep him a secret for a few days and have a month ban on visitors other than her.. It's not unreasonable is it in this case? Or should I just let them come over? :(

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 28/03/2018 21:42

I don't think a few days secret unfair given where you are at. When do you intend to tell his dad - I guess he is not going to keep any secret though?
I'd maybe get a different phone/number if you have time, and only share with those you are comfortable talking to, and switch the other off to prevent some of the spam.

JustMarriedBecca · 28/03/2018 21:43

I don't think you can have one side not the other but what does your husband think? I'd be quite tempted to say you'd welcome visits but a max of 30-45 minutes and would they mind bringing dinner and when 45 minutes is over, husband stands up and says 'thanks very much for coming that was lovely'.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 21:46

His dad is with me to bond and support and then he will be moving back with them as our relationship just doesn't work anymore sadly. In all honesty, he had the worst of the phone calls, texts and them all going on at him demanding to see dd. He gave in in the end as he was sick of it but they just turned up anyway.
I literally want nothing from them

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 28/03/2018 21:47

Erm of course you can!
They sound fucking awful.
He’s your ex, you owe his family nothing and why do they want to stay over at yours? Absolute no.
Practice it in the mirror.
Have conversations with them in your head.
If they say they want to come say “no. After last time, people were awful and wouldn’t leave. People can come when I say and stay until I tell them to go. No one will be fed or watered.”

Fishface77 · 28/03/2018 21:49

As for forcing you to let them bottle feed the baby, sorry op but more fool you.
Do you want me to come and stay?
I’m clean, tidy, helpful and love a good FUCK OF!

Stefoscope · 28/03/2018 21:49

Yanbu not to want visitors straight away, especially after last time. Would your ds's father support you in your decision? Would you be able to leave him in charge of a short visit with his family and DS whilst you disappeared upstairs to give you a little break and some rest?

TheShaniaTwainExperience · 28/03/2018 21:50

Considering what they put you through the first time I would be keeping them the hell away from any children tbh.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 21:51

It was just a bloody nightmare last time.
They bought cake over which I was greatful for. An I was holding dd trying to wind her and one (won't name who she is just incase) chased me in the kitchen and said to me "CUT HER A PIECE OF CAKE AND MAKE HER A CUP OF TEA" pretty sure it's every new mothers dream to entertain people

OP posts:

Shouldileavethedogs · 28/03/2018 21:54

Oh darling. You have to do what's right for you. Block and lock em out. Take time to recover and bond. I did similar when I had baby number 2. So no no and no. Best of luck lady

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 21:55

I wouldn't want them here in all honesty. They constantly prod, touch, smoke around dc. I don't like it :( maybe that is me being unreasonable but I think a bit of anxiety comes into play there too. That's my own problem.
Whilst we aren't together, we are on really decent terms with having two children together and because I'm determined to try and breastfeed again (if my breasts work this time ) we did discuss going over to theirs for 5 mins when he's a month old or so. By this point he will be announced etc I'm leaving a day or two to announce the birth i think and he supports that decision because he was so fed up of constant spam calls and texts when he wanted to take photos of dd but at least it's out the way with then

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 28/03/2018 21:56

Op
You owe these people nothing.
They don’t care about you and they don’t care about your child.
They wouldn’t smoke around her, prod her etc if they did.
They would support you in the first instance.
Just say no.

JaneEyre70 · 28/03/2018 21:59

I'd say that given you aren't in a relationship with your ex anymore, they have no reason to be in your home whatsoever after their behaviour the last time. I'd say no calls are being answered in the hospital delivery ward, and visits will be made on neutral ground when you are sufficiently recovered from the birth. He sounds a bit of a wimp to be honest, and if he can't stand up for you against them, I'd not have him there either. I'd make sure he is crystal clear where you stand before the baby arrives.

Your baby, your home, your rules.

Hope all goes well.

JamPasty · 28/03/2018 21:59

Dear god, block them all! Absolutely no way do they stay with you - god, the very idea!!

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 21:59

They didn't :( they held dd last time and wouldn't give her back to me and she was screaming. I tried to take her off them and I wasn't allowed as "you have the baby all the time' her dad in the end took her off them and gave her to me. I went upstairs to 'change her' but really spend time with her as a 3 day old baby. They're awful people.
Thankfully he isn't too keen on them either. They are all he has though aside from us and he's moving back there.

OP posts:

JamPasty · 28/03/2018 22:02

Sod just not letting them stay - don't even let them in the house - what awful awful people! If you must meet with them, ever, do it in a public place (not your place, not theirs) so you can walk away with DS if they get too much.

LittleOwl153 · 28/03/2018 22:02

You need to have a serious conversation with your ex. Either he puts a stop to them coming until you are ready, or he is not your support - could your mum be there instead? Yes that's harsh, but you have to do what is best for your dc - which at that point is getting a proper bond with its mother (and sister) Don't let them take control again.
It is your house, your space now. Your ex and his family are only there at your invitation. Your ex also needs to be aware of this. He can get access when the time is right - bullying you hours/days after birth is not the right way to do this.
Can you go to your mum's for a few days after hospital if this is easier?

LittleOwl153 · 28/03/2018 22:06

Actually pp have the right idea. Your house. They are not welcome. Condition if him being there is that he backs you on this. Arrange to meet them at a cafe eta when you are ready to share - after you have established feeding eta?

LittleOwl153 · 28/03/2018 22:06

Eta?? Etc!

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 22:07

My mom is staying with me for a few days after I think. She did think it was really unfair of me however though to have the month ban etc being as though she knows. The announcement will be a few days after which she is fine with but she doesn't think it's right as they are his family too :/

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 28/03/2018 22:10

Now that you've split up from your partner just have as little to do with them as possible. Why do you even need to bother with them at all if they're so inconsiderate and horrible.

JamPasty · 28/03/2018 22:10

In the nicest possible way cos it's your mom - it's not her choice. Your house, your baby, your decision. Many people who are nice have no concept of just how horrible other people can be, so your mom is probably thinking that it was be horrible to exclude nice in-laws. But they are not nice, they are horrible, so it's fine to exclude them!

JamPasty · 28/03/2018 22:11

"would be horrible" not "was be horrible"!

Gide · 28/03/2018 22:12

Jesus, just keep it quiet, don’t let the fuckers anywhere near you or the baby. Smoking round your baby? Not letting you take her back and wanting to stay over?! No fucking way!

OnTheRise · 28/03/2018 22:15

They behaved dreadfully, OP.

I'd be tempted to never tell them I'd had another baby.

I'd be tempted, in fact, to never have anything more to do with any of them.

Italiangreyhound · 28/03/2018 22:17

"Like a bitch and unreasonable?" NO you sound sane and normal and they sound like a fucking nightmare. I really hope you are no contact with the person who threatened to report you.

"They are his family too." So what, you aren't together anymore and even if you were, so what, they ade things miserable for you, they need to stay away.

"I spoke to my mom about it and she said it was a bit unfair in her opinion to keep him a secret for a few days and have a month ban on visitors other than her."

Just make sure she knows it is your rule and you will not open the door which will be more embarrassing if she spills the beans.

Stand your ground and if anyone ever asks, just smile serenely and don't say a fucking word.

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