Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not announce the birth for a few days.

50 replies

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 21:32

Long story short - with dd, we were spam called by her dad's family as soon as she came out of me. Our phones kept going off and all we wanted was time with our newborn baby girl.
So anyway, the labour wasn't overly difficult for me but hard enough as there were a few complications and I was nearly emergency c sectioned. I hadn't slept for nearly 37 hours due to the labour and birth and a noise ward and wanting to watch my little girl and I hadn't eaten either as the hospital forgot essentially and I didn't pack any snacks.
I was tired when I bought her home and all I wanted was a nice day with my little family and dcs dad's family came over. They stayed for hours. Gave me unwanted advice and wouldn't leave.
So fast forward to her being 3 days old. In that time one of his family members threatened to report me due to an 'untidy house' which frightened me. One came over and said "you look awful, really rough and tired" and proceeded to talk about my brothers suicide right Infront of me and trying to cover it up.
They didn't allow me the privacy to breastfeed or let dd sleep. They HAD to bottle feed her and prod at her. (I was doing both breast and formula and this went on as well as spam phone calls and texts until I broke down with pnd, I didn't bond with dd right away due to her dad having her for the first two weeks because I was constantly cleaning incase she did report me and in the end I ended up sobbing every night.

So ds is due very soon and I've decided to take a different approach. His family came over (he's not my dp anymore, but he's here for the birth and to support me and look after dd) and kept saying they wanted photos immediately when he's born etc and want to come over to stop the night (with their dogs when I have a cat and not a lot of money to put them up if I wanted to)

So Ive decided when I have him that I don't want to tell anyone aside from my mom who's looking after dd. I want no announcements made. I want no phone calls or texts or spam calls or knocks at the door and this time I'm being brutal about it. I won't open the door, nothing.
But my mom will know and be here to support me which then makes me feel a bit... Like a bitch and unreasonable? They are his family too.. But after last time I can't do it again. I need my privacy with my little family and I need time.
I spoke to my mom about it and she said it was a bit unfair in her opinion to keep him a secret for a few days and have a month ban on visitors other than her.. It's not unreasonable is it in this case? Or should I just let them come over? :(

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 28/03/2018 22:18

made things miserable for you.

Morphene · 28/03/2018 22:19

People don't get automatic equal access to your child. If people were horrible and threatening last time then they don't get to come around at all this time.

You DM probably just can't conceive of how awful they were....

turnipfarmers · 28/03/2018 22:19

Get home, lock the front door, switch your phone off and ignore, ignore, ignore.

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 28/03/2018 22:22

Thanks all, it's been stressing me out a bit lately cause I keep thinking I'm going into labour as I'm having various pains. I keep making threads about it aha!
Their dad is staying for a few weeks along with my mom. But my mom is staying for a few days initially to help me out. But he's not a bad dad so I'll never not give him the opportunity to not bond with his newborn son. But whilst he's on the same page with me and said about waiting a few days for the announcement first, he does need a talking to because I'm not having them here if you're all vouching I'm not being unreasonable. It makes me feel a lot better and like I'm not some selfish bitch. It's primarily because they live quite far away and it's a long drive but i don't want them here at all

OP posts:

Cornishclio · 28/03/2018 22:33

So these people constantly bombarded you with phone calls, allowed you no privacy to breastfeed, threatened to report you for an untidy house and prod your baby and smoked around her? I think I would keep them away as long as possible. If you are no longer with your DP there is no desperate urgency to include them especially if he is not keen on them either. I guess either your DM is not aware how bad they were last time or she is putting herself in their shoes as a GP. They don't sound like normal GP though.

Jupiter15 · 28/03/2018 23:02

YANBU, don’t tell them until you’re ready and make sure you or your ex-dp set the ground rules. Do not put up with this! They sound awful.

user1499333856 · 28/03/2018 23:04

Fuck them off. Don't even consider them this time. They are cretins. Enjoy this time.

tessieandoz · 28/03/2018 23:40

Just state your case emphatically to your ex. That you do not want visitors until they are invited.
Then YOU decide when you feel ready and you find some reason for them to leave when you have had enough. \or invite them for a specific amount of time in the first place, e,g, pop over on Sunday for an hour at 4 . Amend as appropriate.

Allthewaves · 28/03/2018 23:40

Me and dh didn't take our phones to hospital

LittleOwl153 · 28/03/2018 23:45

Stress this close to the time you do not need. Be strong. Tell ex-dp and your mum that his relatives are not welcome in your home end of story. He can contact them when you both agree that's ok, and will arrange to meet them again when you decide it's ok and somewhere neutral. Then forget them - concentrate on you, the baby and dd.

Realistically if they have to stay over to see dc due to distance then they will not have a relationship with this child initially as you will not have them in your house (particulalry given last time) and he will be to small to travel the distance to see them. This is something they are going to have to get used to. Do they know your relationship is over? It would probably help if they did and they need to know that it is not his home anymore.

IMBU · 28/03/2018 23:59

They threatened to report you to ss took over your baby and drove you to pnd fgs what a bunch of arseholes. I would do exactly as you are suggesting and when they moan and complain, which the inevitably will, tell them it's because of what they put you through last time. This is all down to them and their lack of consideration for you so they have no basis for complaint.

AllNamesTakenhell · 29/03/2018 07:21

They were arseholes the first time so fuck them. Your ex got it bad last time too and is on board so your mum needs to respect both of your decisions.

I would prob have a week just you and ex and then invite them over with strict boundries for a couple of hours only. Both you and ex be on board that you are the parents, you will not be hosting or cleaning-and btw excessive cleaning and worry over it is a health visitor red flag, not untidiness. He should tell them this in advance and that you will be breastfeeding. They will push boundries so be ready to take ds and tell them to leave.

Zebra31 · 29/03/2018 17:04

YANBU. Their previous behaviour was dreadful. The smoking in front / near my DC alone would earn them an immediate ban from any close contact with my DC (thankly we only know one smoker IRL and his DH friend). The rest of it would simply compound the problem IMHO. These people contributed to a situation that lead to you suffering with pnd. Frankly their feelings don’t matter. The only thing that matters is your DC, your MH and some piece to allow you time to adjust and enjoy your family.

Don’t tell them because they don’t sound like the sort of people to respect your wishes/feelings.

Mydoghatesthebath · 29/03/2018 17:17

Dear god love.

If any one tried this shit on one of my children they would be seriously slung out of the house by me. What is your mother thinking of?

Anyway you do not have to have any of these fuck wits near you or your baby. Ever. The only person who needs access is babies dad.

Block them from your phone and social media. Do it now. Instruct both your mother and your partner that no one will visit until you agree. Just don’t engage. Don’t announce the birth to them. Cut all contact between them and you.

WhitneyHoustonsbathtub · 29/03/2018 17:19

Honestly no one cares just do what you want.

linz0308 · 29/03/2018 17:59

You are completely right don't answer the door if they turn up. Think it's a good idea to meet at their house when you are ready and then you can leave when you want. Don't let your mum make you feel guilty you are doing the right thing.

Heatherjayne1972 · 29/03/2018 18:36

Oh love. This is why we have curtains doors have locks and mobiles have a silent function
Honestly don’t tell them that your in labour Don’t say anything to anyone until you’re ready
Your baby your home your rules

Original poster

Forevertired19 · 29/03/2018 20:50

Thank you all, the due date is today and I've already been spam texted. Dcs dad messaged them and told them to back off thank god! But I haven't replied. I'm going to keep it secret for a while. Thanks for not making feel like I'm being unfair :)

OP posts:

JaneEyre70 · 29/03/2018 20:56

Best of luck OP and stay strong. This time it will be done your way.

Rachiie · 29/03/2018 21:08

Yanbu. They have zero right to intrude on your home when you have a newborn baby regardless of the fact they are his family. Especially not after their behaviour last time. They sound absolutely horrific, and i completely understand not wanting them anywhere near you or baby. Don't tell them when he's here, and if your ex does (obviously you can't stop that) don't let them into your house.
Presumably at least some of them have their own children, do they not remember the way they felt that soon after giving birth?! They should be horrified at their own behaviour imo

Inertia · 29/03/2018 21:11

The only people whose feelings you need to consider are your children.

I wouldn’t be letting any of those people anywhere near my house, because last time you did it made you ill and damaged your relationship with your newborn baby.

You have a better chance of successful breastfeeding if you feed exclusively and on demand- which is pretty much constantly with a newborn. You need someone to fight your corner, and given that neither your mum nor your ex-partner will support you, you need to keep the news from his family until you are strong enough to deal with them. And I would arrange to meet them out somewhere, not at your house, so you can go home to escape them.

Chipsahoy · 29/03/2018 21:55

Fuck them, you aren't with your partner anymore, so don't let them in your house. They can see the baby somewhere neutral when you are ready. Fair doesn't come into it.

AllNamesTakenhell · 30/03/2018 01:46

Block them. It is less stressful

Lookforthestars · 30/03/2018 01:56

Jesus Christ. I wouldn't let them around my kids at all.

OnTheRise · 30/03/2018 08:24

And I would arrange to meet them out somewhere, not at your house, so you can go home to escape them.

This. Definitely this.

Flip

1 2