To keep ds off school tomorrow

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Ds is unhappy in school I can date it to this time 4 years ago. The Monday after his birthday party he was extremely unhappy after school. We’ve been back and forward with the school where they maintain nothing is wrong and he is happy and thriving. I have had parent volunteers seek me out because he’s been unhappy in school. He has visiting teachers because of a disability who tell me he’s not getting the support he needs.
Ds’s first reaction is always anger. He’s always on the defencive. He has no confidence, he is lonely and he won’t open up to me.
Got the call today that he’d kicked off today and spent the rest of the day (totally happily) reading in the heads office.
I have failed him all the way along. I try and work with the school, I go to the meeting and am honest but nothing changes. I have told him he can tell me anything, no conseques.
He hates school. He’s unhappy. It’s the last day before the holidays. They won’t refer to the psychologist yet.
Can I just keep him at home and try and get through to him.
Sorry it’s so long and disjointed.

Yes keep him off, they break up tomorrow anyway. Use the holidays to try and get him to open up. How old is he?

I would be wary especially with the start of the holidays that you might be sending him the message he will be rewarded for kicking off with a day at home (which I imagine he wants if he is unhappy).

Are there any other schools he could change to? Especially where there might be more support for the disability? How old is he?

He’s just turned 8. The nearest schools are all decidedly “rougher”. But at this pony I would consider him.

This is where I’m torn. I don’t want to reward the bad behaviour, which I think sitting in the heads office probably was. It could be a problem getting him to go back after the hols.
underneath I feel he’s unhappy and I want to love bomb him. But that’s a Mother’s first instinct and I don’t know whether it’s right.

What is his disability?, could he be being bullied? Has he got friends?

Honestly? It's not what I would do.

Have you considered Home Ed? Would that be viable for a while or until end of primary?

What are the school actively teaching him? Does he have any one to one time or small group work? Is he getting anything for say anger management or social skills?

Ask to see his file and any assessments - what have they tried? What could they try?

Also the 'rough' school - go see it and ask how many TAs they have - how many kids with SEN - will your child fit better? Could it be less academic and more nurturing? Hands in teaching benifits some kids better than others - you need to ask questions

Day off? Up to you! But don't make a habit of it - maybe your child struggles with a different time table which will be likely tomorrow

If he is too anxious to go to school then keep him off. Is he able to express what the matter is? You haven't said what his disability is but if it is autism then anxiety can be very common and sending the child in without addressing the anxiety can be damaging.

There is a problem, as others have identified, with keeping him off the day before the holidays and that is that he will feel that he shouldn't have to go back after the break.
I'd call a meeting with the school SEN to see what steps they can take to improve his anxiety, maybe a meet and greet and a special job would help? Maybe some other emotional support?

If you’ve tried working with the school so much then I’d try to move him. Our school is in a rough area but is brilliant for achievement and pastoral care. No harm in keeping him off a day if you’re moving him :)

I’ve kept my son off of school on occasions because of his disability, specifically anxiety related. One day a member of teaching staff came up to me and whispered that I was doing the right thing. A few weeks later I saw what was going on behind scenes and we changed schools.

Anxiety, stress and related issues is no less serious or debilitating because it’s a child. Young children can and do attempt suicide because of it.

You need to do what you think is right for your child in this situation.

Keep him at home. But he's 8, talk to him about how you will not reward bad behaviour, use the day to discuss a strategy for the future, what will make him happy. Call it "Compromise Day" or "Strategy Day" or something.

www.facebook.com/groups/NotFineInSchool/

If you join this facebook page they give loads on advise on school refusal and support in general. There is a section with links to different support services available.

Have school got a clear plan around what strategies they use to support him? Has this been shared with you? What other agencies are involved? Cases like this need a strong Multi Agency Approach with each professional having a clear understanding of what their role is, and how best you can support/be supported.
Please don't feel you have let him down. It's just that it sounds like someone needs to press the reset button in terms of support and decide what that needs to look at, based on what works for him. Very easy to talk about problems, but school need to be looking at solutions.

He has a visual impairment. This is the first year he’s had friends. I think that’s caused a spike in some bad behaviour because he’s learning to play.
Some of the things he comes out with make me think he’s being bullied but he hasn’t said anything about it.
Other parents are having similar issues with the school. But obviously I can’t speak to the school about other kids.

Just feel like I’m being pulled in all directions.

I would keep him home, if he is so unhappy.
I am so sorry that's happening to your ds. I don't have any advice, but hope it works out for you and ds. And have a lovely holiday.

Just remember that all behaviour is a form of communication. If he is lashing out then he is not coping.

I would be inclined to keep him off tomorrow and start looking at other schools.

Have you met with the SENCo? Do they offer emotional support by the way of a play therapist or drop in CAMHS?

Same OP. I don't have any other advice other than to say YOU are his Mum, and you know best. My DS has had ongoing problems for years and it's a pretty upsetting journey.In my experience the schools will talk the talk without being able to actually fully help. It's a battle.

I’d keep him off. He’s 8.

I’m very confused though.

You say you can date it, to the Monday after his birthday, after school, 4 years ago, but that would make him 4 and not yet old enough to be at school. But even if you meant ‘nursery’ that’s ALL of his time ‘at school’ and he was just turning 4.

Do you think something happened that day?

Had he been in that setting long?

Why did he kick off today?

Wow! So many replies while I was on the phone getting advice on a firm hand
The school doesn’t seem to have any strategies in place for him. Often he has to sit outside the classroom to do his work and he’s said he prefers this as it’s quiet and peaceful but apparently that’s not a solution going on.
I am not ruling out the rough schools at all, I’m not even that sniffy about it, just what’s said.
I would be reluctant to home school because he’s not a massive fan of joining in as it is and if he wasn’t forced to it could be a problem.
I posted before about them forgetting he has little vision as well which makes me more protective.

Would you consider raising a complaint with of stead? Given that visit teachers have raised concerns with you u think that you have something tangible to complain about and as we all know the quickest way to ensure that you get reasonable service in the public sector is to make it easier to just provide the service than to fob you off. Sadly schools are not an exception.

Sorry I’m loosing track of questions! And I’m not that clear to start.
First off we’re in Scotland. Second I’d love play therapy but when I suggested it they basically said that was only for the worst behaviour cases. While he’s bad he’s not actually a danger to anyone.
He was in the school nursery from 3, same building, same staff, same head. So while that first Monday was the first time he kicked off its been ongoing since then. That wasn’t at all clear.
How can I help his anxiety? He’s lovely and articulate and funny but most people only see a real grump with a bad attitude.

Sounds like he just hates it. I think 4 years is a damn good go for something he hates.
Have you looked at any of the online schools. I took my 10 year old out of school and enrolled her in an online school that does primary, and shes so much happier at home

Don't worry what others see (hard I know). Others see my ASD (Possible PDA) boy as manipulative and defiant.

My boy is so anxious that he can't be at school at the moment as it makes him suicidal. The number of times I've been told 'my child doesn't like school either' or that it's been suggested if I just shouted harder or forced him in. I can't do that. I've been trying for 2 years. I've lost good friends over it.

A firm hand is not always the best approach. Is there CAMHs in scotland? At the very least make an appointment to see your GP about your concerns.

It helps to know that we’re not alone. Although it’s not nice to hear others going through the same.
Going have a long talk with family tonight. Think you need a skin like rhino to deal with this. A family member was mortified at hearing kids talk about ds. I felt that telling them they hope they were perfect was a better reaction.