To keep ds off school tomorrow

[phlewf]

Ds is unhappy in school I can date it to this time 4 years ago. The Monday after his birthday party he was extremely unhappy after school. We’ve been back and forward with the school where they maintain nothing is wrong and he is happy and thriving. I have had parent volunteers seek me out because he’s been unhappy in school. He has visiting teachers because of a disability who tell me he’s not getting the support he needs.
Ds’s first reaction is always anger. He’s always on the defencive. He has no confidence, he is lonely and he won’t open up to me.
Got the call today that he’d kicked off today and spent the rest of the day (totally happily) reading in the heads office.
I have failed him all the way along. I try and work with the school, I go to the meeting and am honest but nothing changes. I have told him he can tell me anything, no conseques.
He hates school. He’s unhappy. It’s the last day before the holidays. They won’t refer to the psychologist yet.
Can I just keep him at home and try and get through to him.
Sorry it’s so long and disjointed.

This might sound harsher then I mean it to be, really exploring whether this was part of your sons disability/SEN or him being naughty.
when your son was sent to the headteacher was it part of a managed plan to manage SEN or part of the normal behaviour policy st the school?

If a child was misbehaving in class and disrupting education to the extent that they are sent to the headteacher then it does seem like a reward for them to miss school unless there are special arrangements. Behaviour must be pretty serious or the office would be full of children who have done minor things.

Did the extra teacher give you anything specific about extra support they believe is necessary - if not can you ask them if you see them again. If yes what has the school said?

Anxiety could be down to the environment that school is creating. Sounds like an advocate would be a good idea for you to begin to tackle this! Google parent support in your area and see if you can get someone along to some meetings with you. Knowledge is power in these things sometimes. Not right, but necessary when it comes down to the happiness of your son. Good luck!

If he’s been unhappy for that long then I would at least go and have a look around the other schools to get a feel for them and have a think.

The pros of a ‘rougher’ school might be that they’re more proactive with issues like this and have more experience. The problem with ‘naice’ schools is I think sometimes with issues like this they will write the child off and view them as a problem which needs to be contained rather than finding solutions.

Going to the heads office with a collection of work is there standard behaviour policy. And yes often there is more than one child there.
The specialist pointed out that too much was being done where he couldn’t see. And he was often left stranded.

I totally recommend looking for local peer support groups. We have an ASD one in Bristol that operates on Facebook. It’s brilliant because mums and dads can get advice about a range of issues including schools problems and we all understand.

I would also look for a parent support or advocacy service. In Bristol we have Supportive Parents and Bristol Parent Carers. I know you are not in Bristol but look them up and see if you can find something similar in your area.

Yes Camhs are very hard to get but fuck it, don’t let them put you off if you think he’d benefit. You need to be a pain in the arse to get this help.

And if you can’t get Camhs In Bristol there is something called Off the Record which offers things from dog walking to play therapy.

Have a look around for these kind of services because they are essential for parents whose child has a disability, especially when it starts going to shit at school.

If the school cannot address practical things in classroom or other areas to adjust for poor vision then I think you seriously need to look at other schools. Is the senco helpful? If you don't already you may get support with these issues on the SEN boards.

I suppose that’s the key point here. We need more help, help isn’t forth coming so I need to go and hunt it down.
Feeling so sorry for ds. Wish he didn’t have this extra burden. I always avoided the disabled label but I think he needs to own it and accept it. We missed this year’s VI meet up, maybe it’s begining to show.

Hi op, firstly you are doing everything possible, please don't be so hard on yourself.
Is there a dh/dp involved? Don't take all of the burden yourself if so.

My ds has ASD and is now 15 and I feel like he was failed in his primary school.

He's in a secondary school that was seen as "rough" ( 2 failed appeals to better school ) but the pastoral support is superb and I wouldn't change a thing now.
His happiness is paramount.

Is there an EHCP in place? It sounds like you've been left in the dark quite a bit regarding the support or lack of that your ds receives.

His school has a duty to support him and should be actively inclusive.

Do you think your ds's behaviour is due to frustration? If he's being let down so badly I can understand why he's like this.

Things do get easier in time and you sound like a lovely mum, big hug to you

Have you considered contacting a relevant charity for visually impaired.

The Deaf Childrens society have all sort of specialist advisors - my brother used to be one.

Rnib or other - I am sure you know them better than me - may have education advisors/ advocates or even just an understanding helpline who can advise or point you in the right direction.

OP- I'm Glasgow based but my mum was a teacher for 40 years in primary and if u want, I can ask her what would be course to do?

I personally would contact your local MSP and also look up Childrens rights (41 articles) and see which ones the school is failing on.

Get the ball rolling that way by email and then by the time we are back on 16th April something should have been acted upon.

Thanks for all these answers. Yes I have a DH and a supportive family.

We were advised by the relevant charity to work with the school in the first instance (a phrase that makes my skin crawl I’ve heard it so much).
His care plan is mystery. We have so many meetings where so many things are “going to be kept an eye on”
I think I will take him in tomorrow, speak to the head and say to call me immediately there’s any problem. I’m off tomorrow anyway. Think I needed someone to tell me it’s all going to be ok.

gryffen that’s really kind. I have a letter with the MSP as part of the Additional needs group. She has recommended working with the school. Hitting my head at a brick wall at the moment.

It sounds like the school (and you?) think there is more than just the visual impairment going on. It sounds to me that whilst his behaviour may be related to his frustration over his VI and inability to access the work, there may be other SEN that the school feel they need to gather data on in order to present this for a diagnosis or to show they cannot meet his needs. I would ask for a copy of his Care Plan as you say it's a mystery! I would also ask for all info in writing, such as what interventions he is receiving, what support his is receiving in class to enable him to access the work.

There is no reason for him to sit outside the classroom alone unless his behaviour is so disruptive it is affecting the rest of the class.

sier

Keep him at home. But he's 8, talk to him about how you will not reward bad behaviour, use the day to discuss a strategy for the future, what will make him happy. Call it "Compromise Day" or "Strategy Day" or something.

This

If your son has a disability then all the 'normal' rules go out the window.
Speaking as a Mum of two children with additional needs, just trust your instincts. You are the one who has his best interests at heart, not the school. They have statistics and rules to follow and the fear of Ofsted to worry about.
I kept my son off school one day a few weeks ago. His sister was in hospital and he hadn't seen me for two days. He just needed his Mum! I wrote to the head and explained the situation. It was the right call. His sister got better because he was there as they're so close and he felt better because he got to be near Mummy when he needed to be. Did it make him think he could have another day off? Of course not! I explained that it was a one off and he went back to school the next day. The head took the common sense viewpoint and all was well.
Your boy needs you. Stay home, cuddle, watch TV and play together.

I’m going to see how he is in the morning. He takes everything to heart and he has to hand in homework tomorrow so may even want to go.
I have spoken to a few other parents tonight and it seems lots of people got phoned this week. Perhaps a new policy. Nothing is ever straight forward eh?

Can you ask for a Talk Around The Child meeting? They may help to bridge the school-home gap in communication.

I would go and see the other schools.
They may be 'rougher' but might have ace SEN support.
VI is so straight forward compared with eg ASD that they have no excuse not to have appropriate adjustments in place.

So despite all my hand wringing he got up ready for school today. He seems to assumed it’s all part of the school day which I also feel guilty for.
His dad is taking him in and I’ll be picking up so hopefully it’ll be a nice calm day. They are stuck in the system of watching movies on the last day anyway.
Lots of good advice on this thread. I’ve rrread it a couple of times and strengthened my resolve.