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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To thank an ex when I know my dh wouldn’t want me to

29 replies

onlyoranges · 28/03/2018 17:35

I have had a very difficult few years and my dh has been there with me, a rock. It was my Mum’s funeral a few months ago and to my shock a previous bf (from 20 years ago) was there, we were very serious and if we hadn’t been so young who knows. He and my Mum got on really well. He was a shy person and was there alone and I know it would have taken a lot for him to go. All I could think after the service was I wished she had known somehow he was there, she would have loved that. It’s a ‘big’ birthday for him in a few weeks, our birthdays are on the same day and I thought should send a card and say thank you for coming and that I hope he’s had a good life? But I know my dh wouldn’t want to, I could see he was annoyed he was there and asked why he had come and I don’t want to do something behind his back which this would be but I do want my ex to know it meant an awful lot he had gone, after all these years. I am all over the place with my emotions as I was totally devastated to lose my wonderful Mum and would value some advice as I feel muddled and heartbroken. Thanks x

OP posts:

QueenieBuchanan · 28/03/2018 17:41

Sorry about your mum, understandably your emotions are all over the place.

Don't send it x

SomeKnobend · 28/03/2018 17:49

You should put your dh's understandable feelings before your ex's. Don't send the card.

mavismcruet · 28/03/2018 17:50

I’m sorry about your Mum, I can understand why you are all over the place with your emotions.

I’m in two minds with whether or not you should send a card to your ex. If it was me with my ex’s I would send a card. One of them particularly was a part of my family life when I was very young. I would feel touched and pleased if he came to my mums funeral. However there is no part of me that thinks “who knows” with him. You are thinking “who knows” about your ex. That makes me think you are not completely happy with your oh. That makes it dangerous territory to start going down the route of contacting ex’s. Especially at such a vulnerable time for you.

Why not leave it for a while until things have settled a bit. You may view things differently in a few weeks or months. You can still contact him at any point. It’s not now or never.

Hortonlovesahoo · 28/03/2018 17:51

Personally I’d send it. It’s more of “I appreciated you coming to the funeral” than a birthday card to me?

AstrantiaMajor · 28/03/2018 17:54

Don’t send a birthday card, but a ‘Thank you for your sympathy’ card. This is quite standard after a bereavement. Just say how much you appreciated him being there and how fond your mum was of him. I don’t think your DH gets a say in this.

TidyDancer · 28/03/2018 17:56

I would send a thank you card, not sure I would send a birthday card if you hadn't been in contact much recently, but there's nothing wrong with doing that.

Your DH has no business getting involved here. Him showing annoyance at your ex's presence at he funeral is twattish - it was not about him.

TheHungryDonkey · 28/03/2018 18:19

You’re not thanking him with sex. I really don’t see the problem.

LeggyLinda · 28/03/2018 18:19

He’s an ex if 20+ years ago. He was close to your mother and his presence eased your day.
I cannot see why you shouldn’t send a thank you card if you wish to.
Has your DH got other problems with this guy?

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 28/03/2018 18:30

I'd send a thank you card, certainly. Your DH needs to butt out here, he doesn't get to approve who may come to your mum's funeral. Your ex clearly respected and liked your mum, to have turned up and it's actually none of your DH's business that the ex was there.

zippey · 28/03/2018 18:32

Send the card but do it in front of DH and not behind his back.

Original poster

onlyoranges · 28/03/2018 18:35

I thought of the birthday card cause its a big birthday and mine is on the same day. My dh is prob a bit jealous i guess (he isn’t a jealous person) but he knows that after him that was my most important relationship I suppose and he would feel a little insecure? I think it was a shock to him that he was there. I was surprised. It didn’t help that he ignored my dh and just spoke to me about my Mum but he was always very shy. It did make me think of him afterwards and the time we were together, when we were young and everything was fun with no responsibilities and as I said I have had a very tough 3 years. Three deaths of my closest family so I am worried that in my grief riddled mind I am not thinking straight.

OP posts:

steff13 · 28/03/2018 18:35

I'd send him a thank you card. Is your husband really jealous of a guy you dated 20 years ago? Is there more to it than that?

Original poster

onlyoranges · 28/03/2018 18:36

When you say more to it steff13 what were you thinking?

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 28/03/2018 18:39

Agree with AstrantiaMajor. Send a card saying "Thank you so much for coming; DH and I really appreciated it. I know it would have meant a great deal to my mum that you were there." No secrecy from DH, nothing to read into it, just a slightly formal expression of your appreciation.

BertrandRussell · 28/03/2018 18:40

Hmm. He’s jealous of someone you knew 20 years ago who came to your mum’s funeral? That is worrying.

CourtWithPantsDown · 28/03/2018 18:43

I could see he was annoyed he was there and asked why he had come

What a fucking shit, unsupportive way to behave at your mum's funeral.

What do you want to do, OP? Whatever it is, do that. Be honest with your DH about what you're doing so you're not going behind his back but you need to do what's right for you.

You should put your dh's understandable feelings before your ex's. Don't send the card

You should put your feelings above everyone else's.

As others have said, a birthday card might be a bit odd but I think a blank card in which you say "nice to have seen you", "thanks for coming", "hope you've been well" and "happy birthday" is fine.

Then leave it there. Don't accept an FB friend request, don't send him a card next year, just move on

AnimalBrain · 28/03/2018 18:49

I’m amazied your DH is jealous of someone from 20 years ago and I’m disgusted he aired this to you in the aftermath of your mother’s death.

BertrandRussell · 28/03/2018 22:08

"Then leave it there. Don't accept an FB friend request, don't send him a card next year, just move on"

Why shouldn't she accept a FB friend request or send him a birthday card if she wants to?

MaisyPops · 28/03/2018 22:13

Send a thank you card. I think it speaks volumes about the ex that he was there to pay respects (and speaks volumes about your DH who gets pissy when someone who was part of your mother's life comes to her funeral).

I'd send the card and if a friendship develops then fine. Years have passed and I wouldn't be terribly happy if my DH ever started telling me who I could/couldn't speak to withour very good reason (and you slept together 20 years ago isn't a good reason).

Crunched · 28/03/2018 22:25

Send the card but do it in front of DH and not behind his back.
I would be pretty weirded out if an old ex of my DH had come to the funeral of my MIL, particularly if the ex had blanked me.
I know a lot of people would be fine with it and of course the occasion was about your DM but presumably your DH was also fond of her and feeling her loss.
It would be nice to acknowledge ex attending but do so in a way your DH can be comfortable with such as the message Natalia suggests.

steff13 · 28/03/2018 22:27

When you say more to it steff13 what were you thinking

Does your husband have reason to believe the ex is still in love with you? Has he behaved inappropriately in any way? Has he not had another relationship since you broke up because he's pining for you?

An of 20 years really should be of no concern to your husband, unless he's been given a reason to be concerned.

boomboom1234 · 28/03/2018 22:28

I can't help wonder why you want to thank him? You spoke with him and spent time with him at the funeral so presumably he knew it meant a lot to you that he went. You don't need to thank people for coming, they come because they want to. Clearly your mother meant a lot to him as do you. I think you are a bit muddled and understandably seeing him again stirred up emotions. I would leave it for a month or so and if you still want to get in touch maybe try to be honest with yourself about why you want to get in touch.

BettyBaggins · 28/03/2018 22:38

I think that because you have lost people you knew so long you want to keep a connection with him to your Mum. If that makes sense. Best leave it. Dont raise any hopes he may have. You did speak to him there.

CourtWithPantsDown · 29/03/2018 12:53

@BertrandRussell

Because OP said: "we were very serious and if we hadn’t been so young who knows."

This, to me, suggests OP has some feelings for her ex. Not that she still fancies him or wants to be with him but looks back on the time with fondness and genuinely wonders what might have happened. At tumultuous and emotional times, it's natural for us to hark back to safer times and I think opening up a relationship with this ex (just through FB or a coffee) risks opening a can of worms.

However, that's all just from the couple of posts that OP has put up so I might be entirely wrong.

Didiusfalco · 29/03/2018 13:00

It’s not so much that it is wrong to send a thank you (and I think a thank you is more appropriate than a birthday card) but just have a think about your motivation and how you would feel in your dhs shoes. If it has stirred up old emotions then I would leave it alone - if you truly just feel the need to do it out of good manners then fine.

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