To thank an ex when I know my dh wouldn’t want me to

[onlyoranges]

I have had a very difficult few years and my dh has been there with me, a rock. It was my Mum’s funeral a few months ago and to my shock a previous bf (from 20 years ago) was there, we were very serious and if we hadn’t been so young who knows. He and my Mum got on really well. He was a shy person and was there alone and I know it would have taken a lot for him to go. All I could think after the service was I wished she had known somehow he was there, she would have loved that. It’s a ‘big’ birthday for him in a few weeks, our birthdays are on the same day and I thought should send a card and say thank you for coming and that I hope he’s had a good life? But I know my dh wouldn’t want to, I could see he was annoyed he was there and asked why he had come and I don’t want to do something behind his back which this would be but I do want my ex to know it meant an awful lot he had gone, after all these years. I am all over the place with my emotions as I was totally devastated to lose my wonderful Mum and would value some advice as I feel muddled and heartbroken. Thanks x

I could see he was annoyed he was there and asked why he had come
Why was he annoyed at this?
Is he controlling and unreasonable in other ways too?

Blimey. I can't believe that people are saying that the OP should give in to her DP over this. He's being completely unreasonable.

I would treat him the same as anyone who came to the funeral. I'm sure you thanked him at the time. If you are sending out thank yous to everyone include him but don't send a special one. My dm died in the last year and one or two of my exes were there. But mainly because they still live in my dms neighbourhood. I didn't feel to thank them in any different way to anyone else. I would just leave it.

Your husband does sound the jealous type. What kind of person grumbles about who turns up to their partner's parents funeral!! That's terrible. Your ex probably thought highly of your mum, that's why they were there, nothing to do with you or your husband.

I'd send a thank you card, adding it was nice to see you, your mum would have been pleased and you hope they're well. I'd send it in front of my husband and tell him that he was massively out of order if he complained.