Or is my mum?

[Inbedbyeight]

Hi everyone

My DH and I have had a very stressful few days selling our flat and moving into another one. It finally all settled yesterday but not without numerous difficulties, including the people buying our flat arriving before we had finished loading everything into our van (our fault, we underestimated how long it would take to pack up a house with only two people!) , us being unable to get help to load everything so my DH and I spending the majority of yesterday and the day before loading all our extremely heavy furniture (including a super king mattress!) into our van and then up three flights of stairs to our new top floor flat, my DH being injured moving things and us losing our cat for a long time in the process of moving. We were non-stop driving around, moving things etc from 8am - midnight both Monday and yesterday.

My mum said on Monday night that she would like to come through yesterday to see the flat and maybe help out etc, I knew she wouldn't be able to lift anything and it was going to be a really intense day so I agreed but would have preferred if she came through in a few days when the place was sorted. She called in the morning to say she was on her way to our new flat and would be roughly 40 minutes. We were at the new flat for an hour and a half and she didn't arrive. We had to rush back to our old flat because we found out the people buying our flat were arriving and as mentioned above all our things weren't out yet. I know I should have phoned my mum to find out where she was but she was already so late and I was so busy it went out my head. I put my phone on loud in case she phoned. We got back to the old flat and while we were moving things a cupboard fell on my husband and our cat went missing, (indoor cat, who managed to get outside, we were beside ourselves with worry walking round all the streets) so while I was outside looking for our cat my mum had phoned and I had missed her call. She also messaged saying she was outside our new flat. I managed to call her back 20 minutes later (after we found the cat!) and there was no answer. I phoned her every 5 minutes for the next 2 hours, phoned my dad and phoned my sister and none of them had heard from her, so I was really worried she had been in a car accident or something and ended up having to leave all the furniture in our street while I was on my phone trying to find out where she was. My DH was trying to contact her too. About 2 and a half hours after she was supposed to have been outside the flat and I had been phoning her the whole time, my sister called me back and said she had managed to get hold of our mum, she had left and gone home really angry when I didn't answer my phone. I tried to phone her last night after finding this out to try and sort it and again this morning, this morning she answered and was really blunt and then hung up on me. I called back and I think with the lack of sleep and being really worried the day before and so stressed, I got really angry and told her she had totally lacked understanding about how stressful moving can be and had made the day entirely about herself. If she had been outside waiting in her car for an hour I would have completely understood, but it was twenty minutes, and she arrived an hour after she said she would.

So, AIBU or is my mum?

My reasoning for being annoyed is that we hung about for an hour longer than we were intending to on the day we were moving house, she didn't tell us she was late which I wouldn't have minded at all if she hadn't then fallen out with me for the exact same thing. Then she goes home because she had to wait 20 minutes for me to call her back because we were in the middle of a crisis, leaving me, my DH, my sister etc really worried for her safety and putting a total spoiler on the day my DH and I got our first home together (DH owned the last one and I moved in).

Her argument is that she travelled an hour and a half to see the new flat, and was stressed because she doesn't know the area, and then had to wait and felt like we didn't care about her.

We still aren't speaking and I am so angry and hurt, it makes me wonder what will happen when other big life milestones happen (like we have kids) and if there is the slightest inconvenience to her, will she ruin those too?

I'm feeling really sad at a time when I should be over the moon

She waited at the very most 20 minutes but likely less, because she text me saying she had just arrived and when I phoned 20 minutes later she wouldn't answer the phone so had obviously already left!

user1493413286 When I called her last night I was planning on saying that and trying to sort it but she was pretty unpleasant from the get go, on top of that she hung up on me that morning so I don't think I'll be doing anything else to try and fix the situation

Your mum is BU. She wants you to now do the appropriate grovelling and supplication - F that. Unfortunately, you are the only adult in this. Go to your sister's birthday, you'll only be hurting her if you don't go. Don't get drawn into whatever circus your mum is trying to orchestrate. If your mum wants to be unpleasant and clearly inflammatory ( 'I hope you have a better daughter' phfft, yes you will as she'll have a better mum - don't say that unless you enjoy fireworks!) that's her choice, you can't make her grow up.

YANBU, your mother is a twat. Glad your cat was okay!

YANBU - sounds like the sort of shit my mum would do too - so at least you're not alone!
Glad you got moved in the end and the cat is fine

If I knew my daughter was moving into a new flat, and I turned up outside when she wasn't there, I would assume that she was at the old flat or sorting out paper work, take myself to a nearby coffee shop, relax, and keep trying at the new place, say every half an hour.

I certainly wouldn't sit outside for twenty minutes then storm off! I mean, she knew you were moving, where did she think you were? It's only a matter of common sense, surely?

YANBU. Communication breakdown, it's in the past and you have apologised. Continue with birthday celebrations, be nice and be happy about your new place. Assume your Mum has accepted your apology and get her round when the dust settles. Hopefully her grumpyness will lift soon.
And if it makes your feel better about the future, my DM used to be a nightmare. She still is at times, but when it comes to the DC, she is understanding, reliable and selfless. So there is hope.

Your mum was being a diva - but your move sounds awful disorganised! Get yourself in the case earlier for your next move

This is definitely all on your mum and is a control issue.

Do Sunday lunch and then take a breather from her.

I laughed at her causing such a fuss over 20 minutes!
A couple of weeks ago I was sat outside a family members house for easily 15 minutes, in the rain, even though they were expecting me. I could see them through the upstairs window but they didn't answer their mobile and their doorbell is broken. I didn't leave and punish them for it, I cracked a joke once I got indoors and they apologised.

Good grief! Your mum should have sent you flowers and offered to visit in a week or two's time not demanded a front row seat during the main performance.
She's selfish and you need to tell her to stop making everything about her and then let her stew for a bit.
Definitely set some ground rules before having children otherwise you'll be run ragged trying to please everyone and always feeling a failure.
Good luck in your new home.

I would not try and fix this personally. She was massively at fault and being incredibly unreasonable. It doesnt merit any argument. Just leave it and wait for her to contact you. Why do you need to 'sort it out'? By doing that you are just taking responsibility for her shitty behaviour. Just dont engage with this drama because it will go on forever round and round.
Do not entertain arguments or discuss it. Change the subject if she contacts you and tries to talk about it. It seems as though everyone is waiting for you to take responsibility for everything because no one can be arsed to stand up to your mother. That is really not a good plan because you will eternally be cast in that role if you keep being 'the peacemaker' and she will never have to take any responsibility for her behaviour or regulate her emotional responses.

I'm guessing that this is not the first time she's made everything all about her. Because everything has to be, doesn't it? And then it will be all your fault your sister has a bad time.

Excepr it won't. It's your mothers' fault and the only way you can stop this is to stop playing her game. Just stop.

Don't back down and don't allow anyone to persuade you. If you've considered NC before, consider it again. As others have suggested, have a look at the stately homes thread.

I agree with all the PPs that your mum was massively U and you should just leave her to it. She should have been helping you with the move not giving you grief and making it all about herself. I also agree that you would find the Stately Homes thread helpful.

I will never understand mums who once their children grow up and are independent forget what it's like to be young and busy.

If our DC want us around they will ask, or if I phone my DC for a meet up and they're busy I won't push the issue. I DO remember being young and what would have been acceptable to me.

OP YANBU.

Daisy That's because you're a decent, empathetic person.

OP's mum will always have been like this, it's just as she's grown up and moved into a wider group of people (that are like you and most of us), her mothers behaviour becomes noticeable as unreasonable.

By that time the parent has essentially groomed the child to be compliant to their every whim. It takes a lot to recognise this in you own parent and it's hard to break away.

My dad managed to break away from his family when I was very young and we've talked about it quite a bit in the last few years. He went through hell to keep me safe and I'm deeply grateful for it. All my peers on that side of the family were totally messed up by 'D'GM.

Seconding/thirding/fourthing the invitation to Stately Homes. You're very welcome there

I'm really worried that my mum is moody or something and ruins my sisters birthday, and then blames me in the future for ruining her 18th

Hang on wait are you worried that your sister will blame you, or your mum? Your mum, right? You know that's the wrong way round don't you? Does your mum's mood often take precedence over everything else? "Walking on eggshells" - sound familiar?

Unfortunately I was pressured into calling her and trying to fix things for my sisters sake by my dad

Your dad is enabling your mother's behaviour, by acting as a flying monkey. He's also maybe triangulating between you and your sister - it sounds like you have a good relationship with your sister so if I were you I would definitely talk directly to her about anything your mum or dad say about her.

Congratulations on the new house! And I'm really glad you found your cat They're not great with change, are they?

She was bu. Moving is incredibly stressful. My half brother came to visit once and got the hump we didn't come. It was easter weekend and we were moving with 2 small children

You poor love I wouldn’t dream of treating my kids this way. I would bloody well ignore her. She sounds a bitch.

Did you find your cat? Sorry if I missed that.

Is your mother 10?

Hi OP! Your DM sounds an awful lot like mine. I've posted about her on this thread and got loads of fab advice which you might find helpful too.

I can also send you a 'dealing with difficult people' helpsheet I came across on a site called Captain Awkward which a poster recommended on here.

Good luck in dealing with her and unpacking it all (literally and metaphorically) there are lots of us with very similar toxic family set-ups and we're here if you want to vent!

You were utterly ridiculous to arrange to meet her at the new flat on the morning of the move. You must be scared witless of her to agree to something so stupid

It sounds like she was deliberately sabotaging your move.

Firstly by demanding that stupid meet in the forst place.

Secondly by lying about being on her way, so you would lose loads of your day and be anxious.

Thirdly, she has occupied all of your thoughts and made you miserable afterwards.

Moving into the new flat should have been a happy occasion for you. She made it shit. No way it was an accident.

Why did you fall for it?

RunRabbit

Because the poster probably loves her manipulative narcissistic bitch of a mother and she’s been manipulated all her life.

I have a very similar sister.

I have a mother like this.

Half the battle is stopping to think, why did I fall for that? Everyone's reasons are complex and personal. You've got to find your answers so you can protect yourself next time.

Good luck to you then Rabbit must be a nightmare in your mum it’s bad enough in a sister

@RunRabbitRunRabbit I think you would find the Stately Homes thread helpful as well. We support each other on there.

Thank you everyone, I’ve read every single response and picked up advice from each, so it’s greatly appreciated.
As mentioned by a PP in post above her behaviour has been facilitated because she has a husband who is literally terrified of her and I’ve seen her call him every name under the sun and says the most awful things to him for doing noting wrong, and he still grovels. I really think this is why she feels she can behave like this and say these things (ie I hope your daughter is a better daughter than you are) and get away with it! I’m not even getting started on how much she screams and throws things like a lunatic in regards to my little sister. She used to do the same to me but since I moved out and got married it has stopped. I still really feel sorry for my sister who is naturally a calm and easy going person and has to put up with the shouting and insult hurling.
We still haven’t spoken. My sister is at my new flat to celebrate her birthday and has said that once she’s old enough to move out she wonders whether (and thinks) her contact with our Mum will be very limited. I really wish someone (aka my dad!) would stand up to her. I feel like these problems wouldn’t have arisen!