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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my mum?

53 replies

Inbedbyeight · 28/03/2018 13:04

Hi everyone

My DH and I have had a very stressful few days selling our flat and moving into another one. It finally all settled yesterday but not without numerous difficulties, including the people buying our flat arriving before we had finished loading everything into our van (our fault, we underestimated how long it would take to pack up a house with only two people!) , us being unable to get help to load everything so my DH and I spending the majority of yesterday and the day before loading all our extremely heavy furniture (including a super king mattress!) into our van and then up three flights of stairs to our new top floor flat, my DH being injured moving things and us losing our cat for a long time in the process of moving. We were non-stop driving around, moving things etc from 8am - midnight both Monday and yesterday.

My mum said on Monday night that she would like to come through yesterday to see the flat and maybe help out etc, I knew she wouldn't be able to lift anything and it was going to be a really intense day so I agreed but would have preferred if she came through in a few days when the place was sorted. She called in the morning to say she was on her way to our new flat and would be roughly 40 minutes. We were at the new flat for an hour and a half and she didn't arrive. We had to rush back to our old flat because we found out the people buying our flat were arriving and as mentioned above all our things weren't out yet. I know I should have phoned my mum to find out where she was but she was already so late and I was so busy it went out my head. I put my phone on loud in case she phoned. We got back to the old flat and while we were moving things a cupboard fell on my husband and our cat went missing, (indoor cat, who managed to get outside, we were beside ourselves with worry walking round all the streets) so while I was outside looking for our cat my mum had phoned and I had missed her call. She also messaged saying she was outside our new flat. I managed to call her back 20 minutes later (after we found the cat!) and there was no answer. I phoned her every 5 minutes for the next 2 hours, phoned my dad and phoned my sister and none of them had heard from her, so I was really worried she had been in a car accident or something and ended up having to leave all the furniture in our street while I was on my phone trying to find out where she was. My DH was trying to contact her too. About 2 and a half hours after she was supposed to have been outside the flat and I had been phoning her the whole time, my sister called me back and said she had managed to get hold of our mum, she had left and gone home really angry when I didn't answer my phone. I tried to phone her last night after finding this out to try and sort it and again this morning, this morning she answered and was really blunt and then hung up on me. I called back and I think with the lack of sleep and being really worried the day before and so stressed, I got really angry and told her she had totally lacked understanding about how stressful moving can be and had made the day entirely about herself. If she had been outside waiting in her car for an hour I would have completely understood, but it was twenty minutes, and she arrived an hour after she said she would.

So, AIBU or is my mum?

My reasoning for being annoyed is that we hung about for an hour longer than we were intending to on the day we were moving house, she didn't tell us she was late which I wouldn't have minded at all if she hadn't then fallen out with me for the exact same thing. Then she goes home because she had to wait 20 minutes for me to call her back because we were in the middle of a crisis, leaving me, my DH, my sister etc really worried for her safety and putting a total spoiler on the day my DH and I got our first home together (DH owned the last one and I moved in).

Her argument is that she travelled an hour and a half to see the new flat, and was stressed because she doesn't know the area, and then had to wait and felt like we didn't care about her.

We still aren't speaking and I am so angry and hurt, it makes me wonder what will happen when other big life milestones happen (like we have kids) and if there is the slightest inconvenience to her, will she ruin those too?

I'm feeling really sad at a time when I should be over the moon

OP posts:

Original poster

Inbedbyeight · 28/03/2018 13:08

Also just to clarify, before she hung up on me this morning I told her we had waited for an hour and a half for her, had a crisis at the flat and had to race there, lost the cat and my DH was injured, that I had been so worried the whole night that something had happened to her, and she still hung up on me and is just as annoyed as before.

OP posts:

DairyisClosed · 28/03/2018 13:14

Your mother was being UR.

QueenArseClangers · 28/03/2018 13:14

Yeah, she sounds a right dick.

Get thee over to the Stately Homes thread on the Realationships board. for your housewarming.

Fruitbat1980 · 28/03/2018 13:20

This is what text messages were invented for...
quick text, “big disaster mum, sit tight be there ASAP” It ain’t hard...

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 28/03/2018 13:20

Stop feeling sad. She’s an idiot. Yes, you should have told her to come in a few days when you settled in and yes you should have called or texted when you were leaving. Honestly though, what sort of person pushes themselves onto other people in a situation like that, but most importantly, what sort of mother ignores her daughter like that? Actually I can answer that because my mother tried this on.

Make your boundaries clear now. Let her know the silent treatment is childish and nasty and you’re willing to extend the branch now but if she keeps it up you won’t be chasing after her (aka calling her bluff).

From here on in be prepared to have to manage her. Keep your needs clear in your own mind and if something won’t work for you tell her that and make it clear you are inflexible.

You need to train her to realise you are going to be assertive and she cannot walk all over you.

I am surprised this is the first you’ve seen of this side of her? My mother was always like this until she realised she couldn’t pull the strings anymore. Could there be more to it than meets the eye? Even so, no one should treat their child like that.

Original poster

Inbedbyeight · 28/03/2018 14:47

Thanks for the input everyone. Fruitbat I do know myself that I should have text her to say we had to rush to the other flat, we were just so stressed and busy, at one point during those 15 minutes I didn't call her back the furniture fell out our van and my DH and I couldn't hold it all in, neighbours and our cleaner had to rush out and stop it all falling on us! If all these things happened to most other people and they had also been waiting an hour longer than planned for someone, I doubt many would have acted that differently from me.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thank you for the advice, even though I really want to contact her and ask her if we can sort it out I am holding back, because calling her bluff is the stage I'm at. It's not the first I've seen of this side, when I was a teenager we used to have horrendous arguments, I blamed myself for years but I now see how she treats my little sister and I'm realising it's more her problem than mine. She can be a very caring person too though, that's why this has been so upsetting

OP posts:

Original poster

Inbedbyeight · 28/03/2018 16:57

I would also like to add that it is my sisters 18th birthday today and she has a great week planned, including doing something with me tomorrow and then all the family including Sunday. I'm really worried that my mum is moody or something and ruins my sisters birthday, and then blames me in the future for ruining her 18th

Do you think I should extend the olive branch just to stop it overshadowing my sisters birthday or stick to my guns and not contact her?

OP posts:

5foot5 · 28/03/2018 17:20

Your Mum sounds totally selfish - everything has to be about her. Any idiot would realize that you don't try and visit somebody on the day they are moving. Leave her to stew.

I'm really worried that my mum is moody or something and ruins my sisters birthday, and then blames me in the future for ruining her 18th

Just be cheery and un-moody yourself at your sisters celebration and if your mother chooses to cast a cloud over the day it will be evident who is at fault. I hope she doesn't spoil the day either but if you let her get away with this behaviour she will keep on doing it.

Idontdowindows · 28/03/2018 17:24

Your mother is very selfish. And very unreasonable.

Snoreyhell · 28/03/2018 17:25

Reading this has just made me sorry for the poor sods moving into your old place who had to wait while you searched for your cat/waited at the new place/ dealt with injuries and generally faffed about because you were ill prepared. Plan better next time OP!

Lacucuracha · 28/03/2018 17:28

Fruitbat

This is what text messages were invented for...
quick text, “big disaster mum, sit tight be there ASAP” It ain’t hard...

It ain't hard to text your daughter to say you'll be an hour late.

Or to arrive on time.

YANBU, OP.

Also, it wasn't convenient for your mum to come over but that you agreed anyway. Do you usually agree to what she wants for a quiet life? Time to stop that! Well done for telling her she made the day about herself.

She'll now be waiting for you to grovel. Don't do it, you would just be encouraging her awful behaviour.

Lacucuracha · 28/03/2018 17:29

How is that in anyway relevant to OP's question, Snorey? Do bore off.

Snoreyhell · 28/03/2018 17:32

I actually think it's entirely relevant. The whole experience would doubtless have been less stressful for all with a bit more planning.

Lacucuracha · 28/03/2018 17:35

Yes, but you aren't bothered about OP, just the people moving in. So not relevant to OP.

ohfourfoxache · 28/03/2018 17:37

She sounds nasty and selfish

Carry on with the birthday plans, be ultra cheerful and don’t let her draw you into an argument. Then let her stew

Ellendegeneres · 28/03/2018 18:07

Gah who can be arsed with a drama queen like that.

Sorry, I know she’s your mum but this kind of shit makes you see someone in a new light- and what you previously overlooked becomes glaringly obvious as a character flaw of theirs.

Leave her stew. Hope your sis has a fab 18th and you’re dp is ok- was he badly injured? Enjoy your new home

Original poster

Inbedbyeight · 28/03/2018 19:29

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the support! It’s also good to know that most people don’t think I was being UR.

Thanks Ellen he is okay now :)

snoreyhell we had very limited money so could only hire a
van for two days, couldn’t hire removal people etc, i understand that that isn’t the buyers problem but it turned out they were lovely and not bothered at all which was a relief!!

She does have form for lashing out and saying terrible things so we will see how this unfolds...

OP posts:

Tistheseason17 · 28/03/2018 19:36

YANBU.
Your mum could have texted you to say she was running late. Don't feel guilty.
How bizarre that she ignored you for 2.5 hours with the aim of making you worry for her welfare. Strange behaviour for a Mum...

Yep, she wanted your moving day to be about her. The future looks interesting! Good luck

Snoreyhell · 28/03/2018 20:08

OP, two days is one day more than most people get when moving! The trick is to get prepared and don't be chasing cats (use a cattery is necessary) or spending an excess of time at the wrong house! Your mistake, IMO, was not telling your mum to come the following day.

You're lucky that you had tolerant movers moving into your old house. I have known of many people who had an absolutely hellish moving day because the previous owner didn't get out when they should have done.

Original poster

Inbedbyeight · 28/03/2018 21:14

Sorry snorey I should have clarified further but I was more focusing on the issue with my mum instead of the people moving into our flat - the buyers settlement cheque only arrived at my solicitors ten minutes before they arrived at our door, they hadn’t concluded missives either and we had been advised it wouldn’t be until the very end of the day until they would be fine to arrive, so we were caught off guard when they rocked up in the morning!

Tisttheseason yes it is strange,
When I brought this up today before she hung up she said her phone had died so didn’t know I was calling, however it rang out every time I called and m sister managed to get in touch with her

Unfortunately I was pressured into calling her and trying to fix things for my sisters sake by my dad, which ended in a blazing argument and us
Both telling each other we didn’t want to speak to each other again and her telling me she hoped any daughter of mine would be a better daughter than I am. Shouldn’t have risen to the bate, but it’s very hard when you’re facing a brick wall that is adamant it’s in the right!

OP posts:

Racheyg · 28/03/2018 21:24

This would wind me right up. You warned your mum. I remember how busy it was moving we didn't have anyone round for a few days just so we could sort stuff out. Your mum sounds like a drama Queen sorry op

Original poster

Inbedbyeight · 29/03/2018 10:06

There were a few issues at my wedding that left me feeling really let down and unsupported and I remember thinking at the time that if anything else like this happens again then I would go NC.

Obviously this has all happened now and I am seriously considering going to my sisters birthday meal on Sunday (as it would be hung over my head for years by my Mum if I missed it, even if it was so that my sister didn't see any awkwardness) and then not speaking to her for the foreseeable future. I think it's the only way now.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 29/03/2018 10:11

I had a very stressful move a while back and my mum doing that would have sent me over the edge! Plus you called her after 20 mind unless I misunderstood so how long did she wait? Really she should have known better than to come and visit on moving day as I’m sure she’s moved house more times than you and knows the stress.
I’d message her saying you’re sorry she’s upset but hopefully she can understand the stress you were under and leave it at that.

Ragwort · 29/03/2018 10:17

Be the bigger person, don't hold a grudge. Go to your sister's celebrations, enjoy them, don't engage in any conversations about the move - except for a breezy 'yes, all OK now but such a busy time moving' if anyone asks ............. in a week or two invite your family round for a housewarming when you are ready.

Don't engage in going over and over what happened - if your DM brings it up, just laugh it off. If she keeps on about it she will look the twat, not you.

Sakurasnail · 29/03/2018 10:20

It ain't hard to text your daughter to say you'll be an hour late.

Isn't it illegal (and dangerous)to use your phone in a car with the engine running? I'm assuming she was late because it traffic/not knowing her way, so was in the car at the time she knew she would be late.

You're both bu, as you knew it would be difficult but agreed she could come round... And it all fell apart from there, which could have been avoided with hindsight, but that's obviously no good now.

Hope you're sorted now, sounds like a nightmare move!

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