To tell my 8yr old DS the facts of life?

[Olibats]

Had THE conversation with my 8yr old DS last week, in response to his specific questions (he already knew bits about pregnancy, eggs, how babies are born - all picked up along the way from various experiences, e.g. our hens laying eggs, watching natural history programmes, Aunty’s pregnancy etc).

Told him the mechanics of sex, used correct names for body parts & told him that he should not discuss the subject at school, as other children’s mums & dads will want to decide when to tell their children themselves.

I think he may have discussed it with one of his friends at school, as he told me his friends mum said he is not allowed to play with DS anymore. I texted mum (just a general ‘Hi how are you’) but no response. I suppose it could be something else entirely but boys seem on good terms & not aware of any issues through school.

Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have just fudged it? How old were your children when you told them this stuff?

My 8yo knows it all. She has asked endless questions (about everything) since being much younger so gradually it's all come out. I didn't start with the actual sex act, but with talking about cells joining to make babies etc and how babies grow inside mummies. As she's asked more about what genitals are for and how she got out of my body, the details have been filled in.

Older DC never ever asked, to the point where I was going to have to do a "talk", but eventually it was covered in school at age 10, and now we sometimes discuss it if it comes up (e.g. if there's a news story about contraception or whatever).

They do have to know fairly young IMO. As a PP said it's better if it's all in place and they know what to expect in puberty etc., before it actually starts happening to them.

I bought Let's Talk About Girls Boys Babies Bodies and Friends for my 9 year old (in the knowledge that my nearly 7 year old would want in on this too) and it's super age appropriate. The illustration of "sex" is v cute, and it's part of a whole series of age-appropriate books about sex by the same author - for instance, Let's Talk About Sex is aimed at 11 or 12+ (covers actual sex and things like sexually transmitted disease, abortion etc.).

My two girls were only mildly interested in the book (the Girls/Boys/Babies/Bodies one) - mostly the development of the baby and the existence of the uterus (they already knew about ovaries because I traumatised them ages ago by telling them they had eggs inside them to stop them giggling about birds or something). They knew all about male external anatomy from nudist beaches already, so that was "been there done that", and the P in V part held zero interest, once they had established that it couldn't happen by mistake during, say, football at school.

I think it's a great book and I highly recommend it. I can't see what is inappropriate about answering questions or providing basic information. My 9 year old is learning about the digestive tract in school, so why not the uterus (and what it's for)?

Oh - they were interested to learn that boys actually have penises and scrotums. I hadn't realised that they vaguely thought that like breasts, they appeared later. I guess they mustn't have noticed boys on the naked beaches we've been to.

I tackle things as they come up naturally. My ds has never been that curious about bodies (we’re not nudests by any stretch but not shy either). He’s mainly interested in minecraft.
He was calling a character called Alex she because it had a pony tail. I have no earthly idea if Alex is female but asked if the ponytail was the only clue, considering his uncle has a magnificent ponytail. That lead naturally to the differences between men and women. He feels women have babies is inefficient, how are they supposed to go into battle of they are pregnant? Would make more sense if mummy’s and daddies could choose.

We will revisit the chat to clear up details.

In my opinion that is not too young.

He asked so he is leading things. Your telling him the mechanics of procreation not showing him porn!

On another note. As someone who by that age was being sexually abused and had no knowledge to understand actually what was what was happening I feel I was at a massive disadvantage, had I had some information I may have been more aware that it's something I should have told someone rather than just secretly thinking this is weird and I don't like it but not being to link that to anything tangible.

I think that all children should grow up from s young age hearing age appropriate information about their bodies and sex. There are ways to do this without exposing them to things they aren't ready for.

You can't trust eight years olds not to discuss this stuff and you can't trust other parents not to overreact. Thus was a risk you took and these were the consequences. It's sad that this boy is no longer allowed to play with your son but with parents like that there is a chance that he may not be the best influence anyway.

My 3yo asked about it after seeing me in the bathroom with a period. I explained why we have them and eggs etc and she said “But HOW does the seed get into the mummy?” So I brought her an age appropriate book called How Did I Begin which talked about a “loving cuddle” at bed time and the penis being designed to fit into the vagina. She didn’t seem traumatised and what’s the other option? Don’t answer them so it potentially becomes a worrying thing or make something mad up about finding a baby under a gooseberry bush that confuses them for years?!

For what it’s worth this was exactly how my Mum approached it when I asked at a similar age and I’m now in my 30s, didn’t spend my childhood friendless and am not (too much of) a pervert.

I think you did the right thing. Your child asked you answered appropriately. I knew the facts of life at 7! don't worry about the other mums.

At eight my children knew all the things your son knew - but they didn’t ask for the mechanics and I only told my son when he was 10 after his friends started mentioning sex. My daughter is almost 12 and has had the puberty talk but hasn’t asked about the mechanics, although I will tell her before she starts high school.
You asked your son not to tell anyone and it seems he did - yes I’m sorry but I think he was not ready. Lots of children at 8 still believe in Santa.

To me it seems old! My youngest sibling was born when I was 7, so my parents gave me the body book beforehand (when I was 6) which included an anatomically accurate cross section of a couple having sex. DD(5) has been told that babies come after a man and a woman have a special cuddle. She did ask DH and I to demonstrate - needless to say, we declined! But I don't think it will be long before we tell her more detail (still without any demonstrations....).

In Scotland they all do SHREE and by 9 will have been given out full detailed drawings to label.

8 is Ok only if your ds asked about it. But only if you told him in an age appropriate way. It sounds like you might have perhaps gone into a bit too much detail which of course he'd be dying to relay to his friends.

It's fine, why would you withhold information? They often ask younger than that when a sibling is born. They know something is going on and it will make them secretive if you are.
Also never too young to talk about consent and privacy in an age appropriate way, which will protect them, and teach respect. Quite little children think it's funny to look up skirts and grab people.

Mine knew at 4 because he asked! I'd had his brother by caesarian and there was a bit of confusion over the holes that are normally involved so he just kept asking for further clarification. I can't see any reason not to have explained.

Eh?

YANBU. These are facts of life, it's not like you introduced him to porn . Much better they know about the biology in approximate detail, no need to talk about actual sex and hormones etc but the mechanics of it without any drama or gory details is fine. Reveal more details as and he gets older and more mature. Other mother is a loon.

My dc have known about periods and the approximate mechanic of sex since they were 6 and 4. I wouldn't necessarily talk about it in great detail though more scientifically.

My ds is 7 and knows how babies are made. It was asked and I was age appropriately honest. We're so funny about sex in this country! We're all here because of sex! They are going to find out anyway so I prefer to be honest. I have told him not discuss it at school though for op reasons.

Thanks for the responses.

To be honest it never occurred to me not to answer his questions. I want him to feel he can ask me anything & to trust me that I will tell him the truth to the best of my ability.

To those posters who think I gave him too much info, I responded to his questions with basic factual information. I think the only alternative would have been to refuse to discuss the subject, or try to distract him from the conversation with something random (unlikely to work).

I did think it was possible he would repeat bits to friends, but assumed it was already being discussed on some level for him to come to me with questions.

The conversation was very low key btw - in the car whilst I was driving & over in minutes.

Like other posters, I also knew the facts of life by his age - a combination of an older brother & age appropriate book provided by my parents. It never struck me as shocking or scary, & I hoped he would have a similar experience to me.

I am sad about scuppering his friendship though - that has really upset me & think it will upset him too.

No problem with this at all, none. You've done the right thing if he was interested. We've been open about it since day one and now my children are getting a bit older I'm finding chats very relaxed and easy.

By older, I mean my eldest is almost 10.

I never asked and my mother never volunteered any information. Aged 64 I'm still waiting to be informed ...
I knew how it all worked by age 14 and told a friend at school who nearly fainted and said HER parents would NEVER do anything like that!

We've always gone on the basis that if they're old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to hear the answer (in an age appropriate way). We're not quite at the mechanics stage just yet with 7yo ds, but it's on its way. Additionally he has a friend who has older siblings who tell him stuff so I'd rather he hears it from me. He already knows about periods after he asked about some blood in the toilet. I don't want him to grow up thinking it's a dirty secret and not to be discussed. I know his knowledge is quite advanced for his age, but we keep our cm informed of new developments where his additional knowledge migbt cause issues with other dc and their parents. Her view, after looking aftet children for many decades, is that we're doing it absolutely right and it's her job to manage the risk in her own setting.

8 strikes me as rather late for the basics. I'm quite concerned about people who think such information should be withheld from children of this age.
I've answered in a factual and age appropriate way from as soon as each of my dc asked, which was around 3. Same as my parents did for me.

I can't understand people who says it's too young. It's important general knowledge.

Nothing at all wrong with that.

I tell my kids about it gradually over time
. But 9 yo dd has just got to asking qs that led me to explain brief mechanics. I prefer phrases that don't make the man sound dominant in the act or like it's something done to the woman rather something they do together, I.e. "the woman's vagina and man's penis fit together with the penis inside the vagina". And I stress that adults bodies are different to children's so thst this is pleasant for adults but only for adults.

I can’t get my head around someone being ‘too young’ for some version of ‘a man and woman put the penis inside the vagina’. What is it about this sentence that is ‘too much’?

Children are far more likely to be shocked and upset by this information when they’re older and have developed the shame and disgust around their genitalia that we encourage in this society.

Love the idea that you can’t know what sex is if you believe in Santa