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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why I am under so much pressure to give up breastfeeding?!

73 replies

Poppysarah · 28/03/2018 10:00

I’m sure IANBU but am genuinely confused as to others’ reactions to this.

I had my DD 9 weeks ago, difficult delivery culminating in forceps in theatre, 2 blood transfusions and back in hospital after 4 days with sepsis.

It had been 7 hours since delivery and hadn’t been able to get DD to latch on. This was a combo of being unable to get correct positioning because of wires, canulas and spinal block and also just being too ill ( don’t really remember what was going on). I remember crying that my DH needed to give DD a bottle but agreeing with the midwife that she would continue to help me bf. After 2 days of expressing colostrum we cracked it and have been ebf ever since with little trouble (apart from the normal cluster feeding sore nips etc).

I am by no means a breastfeeding ambassador, I just felt that if I was able to I would try and if it ever got to the point where it wasn’t the best thing for DD in that she wasn’t thriving or it was affecting my parenting I would go onto formula no question.

I am now really enjoying it, DD has put on 3lbs and drs and hv comment on how healthy she looks. She is very hard work sometimes as she has reflux and a very big set of lungs.

MIL and various other family members encourage me to put her on formula ALL THE TIME. It really pisses me off! Comments such as ‘you don’t know how much she is getting’ ‘she has got all the benefits now’ ‘she must be hungry’ etc...

I express often so I know that my milk production is fine, I’ve worked hard to get her to accept a bottle so I can leave her if necessary, I cover up when feeding...what is the problem?

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 28/03/2018 12:04

I’d be very tempted to tell them to fuck right off.

However, it may be more annoying for them if, each and every time they comment, you hold your baby a little closer, kiss their head and say, ‘are you mad? Why would we give this up?’

Alternatively, say once, very clearly that you are finding their comments upsetting and will leave next time any are made. Then do so. And limit contact because unfortunately these remarks don’t bode well for the future ( weaning, sleeping, behaviour, nursery...everything basically).

Congratulations, you sound bloody brilliant.

Original poster

Poppysarah · 28/03/2018 14:33

Thank you everyone, really interesting to hear everyone’s experiences. You are a lovely bunch

I have a really good relationship with MIL (lost my own mum) and it’s not going to come between us I just find it genuinely confusing! DH has been really supportive and will step in if anything else is said, think it is meant to be helpful.

Dd has horrendous reflux and screams the house down, I am back at the drs today to try for more help. Comments are made because this is the only ebf many family and friends have seen and so they take this as the link .

Lucky enough to have met a great bunch of mums (mix of bf and ff) who have been lifesavers.

OP posts:

JustHappy3 · 28/03/2018 16:07

How did Drs go? Just to say - because Drs never mentionned it at time for me - do consider if baby lactose intolerant. Which they diagnosed ds with (sodding) years later and i still shudder when i think of all the screaming.
Oh - i forgot my parents constant inferences that there was somethinng putridly wrong with my milk. I really hope i never do this to others!

Pastaagain78 · 28/03/2018 16:19

Keep going. Well done x

Original poster

Poppysarah · 28/03/2018 17:31

Just got back from the dr, slight tangent but she was very rude and dismissed screaming. Said it’s colic and would prescribe something for constipation m. I explained the gaviscon previously prescribed had caused the constipation. Long story short had to fight my corner to get referral to a paed.

She also asked me if she is getting enough food I took my dad along who is trying really hard to support my bfing even though he doesn’t understand it at all I said she’s fine all night etc

OP posts:

DairyisClosed · 28/03/2018 17:36

Is it a cultural thing? Where I live a lot of the working class people are dead set against it. A lot if comments about it being weird or sexually inappropriate. There must be other cultural groups out there who have similar views.

0lgaDaPolga · 28/03/2018 17:38

Wow you’ve done really well to establish bf after that birth experience. It sounds quite similar to mine although I didn’t produce anything after losing a lot of blood and he went straight into formula. I was quite upset about it for a while.

Ignore what anyone else says. If you are happy with the way you are feeding your baby and the baby is putting on weight well it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 28/03/2018 17:43

You have done so well! Don't let anyone stop you feeding YOUR baby the way YOU want.

FusRoDah · 28/03/2018 17:44

Just keep being firm on what you are doing. I think MILs can smell indecision and really step up the 'advice'!

Interestingly I had the opposite, DS had to have formula top ups as well as bf due to failure to thrive, MIL went full breastapo on me, stating that her retired GP friend who had never met DS said it was wholly unnecessary, and insinuating that I wasn't trying hard enough with the bf as everyone can do it apparently. Prior to that we got on ok so I was a bit . Thankfully DP had a not so quiet word and she hasn't mentioned it since. Good that your DH is supporting you.

AssumethePerpendicular · 28/03/2018 17:45

If you and your baby are happy keep doing it. Hope the doctors goes well.

I’m feeding my 7 month old and have had comments since the beginning from my dad. Last week I sent him a message to say baby had 3 new teeth, the immediate response ‘you’ll have to put him on a bottle soon’ I’m biting my tongue....

Anatidae · 28/03/2018 18:22

Well done OP. I’m firmly of the opinion that however is best for YOU is the best way to feed. That can be breast or formula, and no one should be putting pressure on you to do something you’re. It happy with.

Fwiw, a lot of that generation were told (pretty much forced) in the delivery wards to feed four hourly and railroaded into bottles. There may be issues there with your MIL having guilt about her own choices or feeling like her choices are being questioned. Of course it’s also possible she is wanting to pass the baby around like a doll

Keep feeding how YOU want to and how works for YOU. Have some calm but firm rejoinders to the most common objections.

And may I recommend the Kellymom website? It’s a fabulous resource for breastfeeding,

Anatidae · 28/03/2018 18:29

There must be other cultural groups out there who have similar views.

There are demographics at play. Almost everyone in my current social circle breastfed their kids - mainly expat Brits, highly educated middle class types. If anything, they go too far and there’s heaps of judgement on formula feeders.
Where I used to live, in the uk it’s almost exclusive ff. WC, quite deprived, big extended family networks, grannies ‘taking the baby’ almost from birth and bf is what gets the social opprobrium. I imagine it’s pretty hard to bf with that kind of environment around you.

I’ve said it on these threads before but I bfd my son for 18m. When I stopped I got mastitis which was the only reason I mentioned stopping to anyone - I got a pile on from the people in my current social circle for stopping ‘before natural term’ and outright horror that I was feeding an 18m old from people back home. Genuine disgust. On the same day.

Which just goes to show you can’t do anything right, that people have opinions on what you do with your own body and that you need to be selfish (in a good way) and tell them to mind their own bloody business

willynillypie · 28/03/2018 18:36

I haven't had my baby yet but I'm planning to bf him until the recommended age of 2, and I've already had some friends saying "uck, you're not really going to feed past 6 months are you? Looks so weird when an older child is feeding" etc etc etc and it's already really wound me up, so can imagine how irritating this must be!

Grandmaswagsbag · 28/03/2018 18:39

Don’t engage, they are simply misinformed. It’s a real shame as I do have friends who have ended up giving formula because of pressure from family when they didn’t really want to. And well done to you both for cracking it!

peacheachpearplum · 28/03/2018 19:09

Fed mine for 3 years, the abuse you get when they are running around and still breastfeeding is truly awful.

I'm mid 60s and most of my friends breastfed so don't think it is fair to say it is all older people who make comments or that formula feeding was pushed to us older mums. I struggled with my first and had the most amazing health visitor who got me through it even though she had no children herself but she was magic at getting an awkward baby to feed.

Shutupanddance1 · 28/03/2018 19:10

I’m sorry about what your family has said - maybe they don’t understand BF?

My mum is totally 110% supportive but she did say things like ‘omg the baby wants fed again?’ and when I wanted to wean DD at 1 year ‘of course, she’s probably getting a bit big for nursing’.. and these are from comments from someone who is supportive of me - she’s actually very proud of me being able to nurse as she had 5 of us and couldn’t.

Best of luck with your feeding journey - I finished BF first time round at 15 months and I’m pregnant again and excited to hopefully have a similar journey with my second

seven201 · 28/03/2018 19:18

My mil was the same. Eventually it turned into lots of comments about how I'll have to stop when dd gets teeth. When dd got teeth and I didn't stop the comments to me stopped.

As for the screaming - have you tried cutting dairy out of your diet? It takes a few weeks to leave your system and the baby's fully though so you'll need to do it for a while to test it. My daughter has cow's milk protein allergy and could be heard night and day from roads away!

spinn · 28/03/2018 19:47

Well done in succeeding to ebf in such a hard time (I had similar and my milk never came in)

Ignore the nay sayers someone will always have an opinion about what you are doing and how you are doing it.

namechange347683 · 29/03/2018 09:45

Find this thread really interesting. I feel like this issue is never really picked up on. I often read blogs from ladies who say they felt pressure to bf when they ff. I often felt like commenting to say it can happen the other way. I never have done because I thought it was just me who felt this way. Clearly not.

FingerlingUnderling · 29/03/2018 10:05

There seems to be an obsession amongst certain members of the older generation over how much a baby gets. They get worse as you approach 4 months and start insisting that pureed pear will be more filling and better than breastmilk. They will put the 4 month sleep regression down to the need to feed solids etc etc etc.
Ignore ignore ignore. If you want to move to FF or mix it up, thats your choice. If you want to stick with bf, thats your choice.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 29/03/2018 16:06

Yep quite right. And an obsession with bigger babies “not getting enough”. How do you think they got big in the first place?

DarkRoomDarren · 29/03/2018 16:13

Wtaf? Of course yanbu! Good for you op (genuinely). As long as it’s working for you both and she’s healthy, gaining weight etc, then brilliant! You think they’d be pleased for you.

savasana · 29/03/2018 16:18

Is there a breastfeeding group meetup near you? It makes the world of difference to get some time being surrounded by other breastfeeding mums! La Leche League is fab, if there's a group near you. Oh and of course Congrats and well done!

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