To wonder why I am under so much pressure to give up breastfeeding?!

[Poppysarah]

I’m sure IANBU but am genuinely confused as to others’ reactions to this.

I had my DD 9 weeks ago, difficult delivery culminating in forceps in theatre, 2 blood transfusions and back in hospital after 4 days with sepsis.

It had been 7 hours since delivery and hadn’t been able to get DD to latch on. This was a combo of being unable to get correct positioning because of wires, canulas and spinal block and also just being too ill ( don’t really remember what was going on). I remember crying that my DH needed to give DD a bottle but agreeing with the midwife that she would continue to help me bf. After 2 days of expressing colostrum we cracked it and have been ebf ever since with little trouble (apart from the normal cluster feeding sore nips etc).

I am by no means a breastfeeding ambassador, I just felt that if I was able to I would try and if it ever got to the point where it wasn’t the best thing for DD in that she wasn’t thriving or it was affecting my parenting I would go onto formula no question.

I am now really enjoying it, DD has put on 3lbs and drs and hv comment on how healthy she looks. She is very hard work sometimes as she has reflux and a very big set of lungs.

MIL and various other family members encourage me to put her on formula ALL THE TIME. It really pisses me off! Comments such as ‘you don’t know how much she is getting’ ‘she has got all the benefits now’ ‘she must be hungry’ etc...

I express often so I know that my milk production is fine, I’ve worked hard to get her to accept a bottle so I can leave her if necessary, I cover up when feeding...what is the problem?

To me this nearly always translates into :get your dc onto a bottle so I can have her without you around.

In part it's ignorance and in part selfishness. Either way it's rude (and just as rude if you were ff and they wanted you to bf). Where is your dp in all of this.
Ignore them. But not easy. FF bingo is probably a sanity saver. Extra points for "needing a top up" and super bonus points for any mention of adding baby rice to a bottle!

Oh I had it constantly from MIL about how awful breastfeeding was, how unsightly it was, how it reduced a woman to "nothing more than a cow on a dairy farm". I used to deliberately pop out my breast and look her dead in the eye as she stared - horrified - that I didn't give in to her beliefs whilst cooing "come on, lets get lots of lovely breastmilk inside you" to DS2 when she visited. She'd text DH and tell him I was only breastfeeding to spite her and prevent her feeding DS2. She's quite clearly lost the plot entirely.

Anyone who judges either breast or formula needs a smacked leg and a shake. It's rude, none of anyone's business and frankly, so long as a baby is fed and loved it's fuck all to do with the rest of the family.

To me this nearly always translates into :get your dc onto a bottle so I can have her without you around.

Yes! This was absolutely the underlying thinking of MIL's vehemence towards me breastfeeding.

Another one saying it's probably because they think they'll 'get a go' if the baby is FF. My MIL didn't even pretend to disguise this - she was adamant the baby should be FF so she could 'have a go'.

You've had a traumatic time and establishing breastfeeding must have been hard. I reckon your DP ought to be telling his mum this stuff, not you, and making it clear to his mum that she isn't helping.

This makes me sad....please don't give up (until you're ready of course)
Gosh you've been through enough your family need to support you on this. Maybe they are only concerned that you're not resting enough but then they shouldn't make comments about her not getting enough from you...thats just ignorance...arm yourself with facts and dir them off everytime someone has a negative comment toward BF.

It's the best way to keep a strong bond with baby especially after such a traumatic birth and you should be reminding anyone who tries to put you off of that fact.

If they're so desperate to be involved tell them theirs plenty of other things they can help with.

Oh and I also like BubblesAndSquarks response.
Hope you have recovered well and congrats

Keep at it OP. “This works for us” on repeat.

Do you feel able to look them in the eye and say that it’s not up for discussion? I had to do that with DM (DMil never offered an opinion either way thankfully). I was a bit more straightforward with my DB, I told him that if I had another comment from anyone about me feeding DS I was going to tell them to shove it up their arse. It worked.

You have my full sympathy - my mum was like this as well. 'He's a big boy, are you sure he's getting enough?', 'he seems hungry', 'surely he can't be feeding again already?', 'you like tired, bet the breastfeeding isn't helping' etc etc

It sounds like you are doing a great job so trust your instincts and keep going as long as you and your baby want. You have to block all the noise out, otherwise you do end up second guessing yourself.

YANBU at all. I would say ignore them but that's easier said than done. I got it at first with my DD I was so happy to be able to bf. All I got was so many comments including 'formula never did you any harm', 'you are not giving anyone else the chance to feed her' it was so selfish of them. They just wanted as a pp has said pass her round like a toy. Now DD is almost one and I now get comments like 'how long are you planning to feed her to, till she's 12.'
I Feel your frustration. But you are doing great don't let anyone pressure you into anything your not happy with.

OP I totally get it. I had a good few family members saying similar often.

My own mum said babies die of dehyrdration and that could happen to my baby as I don't know how much she is getting. Misinformed idiots.

They soon gave up

Well done you! And please don't let others put you off. You should like you are doing a fab job in a way that works for you and baby. The only problem is them. Might be worth checking in with your health visitor to see if there are any breastfeeding support groups or 'breastmates' that you could link with so that you get some support / encourage. Enjoy every minute of this very special thing while you can.

MIL did this to me as well.

She hated me bfing.

Really really hated it.

Her other grandkids were ff and she "got to" look after them from v young.
She really resented the fact she couldn't have him on his own.

Also she never bf, and is of the generation and class that looked down on bfing as comman, and formula as the holy grail of scientific discovery.

She couldn't wrap her head around it at all, and said some quite spiteful things.

Luckily I'm a headstrong type, and just used to reply "No MIL I'm not stopping until he is ready" or "The WHO recommends bfing till 2" etc etc.
She didn't stop going on at me until he self weaned......at 3.5 YEARS OLD!!

She also hated that we co slept and was convinced he'd never sleep without me........since he moved to his own bed he's never once got into ours!

She hates that she was so wrong and never changed our minds!

Only recently have I experienced this, now ds3 is 10 months. People are really shocked he still bf's and I get 'oh you must completely wean him off' comments all the time. He's only on 3 feeds a day and if I'm out will happily go without so it's no impact on anyone really - so why I 'really must' warn him is beyond me

*wean him

Well done OP. I had a little bit of the same but just ignored them. As long as you and the baby are happy with your situation, then I’d say that you’re absolutely fine.

I felt (like others have said) that I was only pressurised to formula feed so that “others could have a go”. That was exactly what I had and it annoyed me.

Enjoy it!

If you are happy and your baby is happy and thriving then continue to bf for as long as you wish to.
If anyone passes comment just tell them ' I'm happy as I am thanks ' and continue as you are.
It's your baby and your choice. There are no rights and wrongs to feeding your baby. Breast or formula.
If you want to bf your baby while standing on your head in the corner as you recite the nine times table, its entirely up to you.

Just remembered a cracker of a comment from DM. DS was a very hungry baby and was putting on about a pound a week in the first few months and DM was used to babies that got a bottle and then slept for 4 hours (in a pram down the bottom of the garden so she couldn’t hear them crying). I was lifting DS for his umpteenth feed of the day and she tilted her head and said “I wonder what it is about your milk that just isn’t satisfying him.” It really hurt at the time but did help to harden my resolve.

You have to ignore the ignorant, no matter how well their intentions. I breastfed my child for 4 years but at a few days old I gave formula for eight hours - OH MY WORD, the formula route was such a hassle. I couldn't be doing with all that washing, sterilizing, waiting for milk to cool down. Was so much easier to stick a boob in . I had support because I struggled in the early days but of the two, breastfeeding was the easier choice and as made by a human for a human, was best for baby/toddler/child. There are some breastfeeding facebook groups for additional support/advice x

I honest to god put it down to jealousy. Did they give formula?

It is like whenever over weight people start losing weight and get close to their ideal weight and people start calling them gaunt / pale / gone too far / boardering on eating disorder.

You are doing something only quite a small minority of women do-they might never have seen anyone bf before and would rather you fit their norms. Either ignore or say you're fine thank you-the baby has put on X oz so that's how you know she's getting enough (just in case they are genuinely worried) and change the subject.

I just refer them to WHO guidelines and tell them things have changed since they were mothers. My mil has always called my boy "cochino" (dirty) when breastfeeding. I just ask her how is it dirty when it is the most natural thing. I list all the benefits of breastfeeding. I have now learned not to give 2 fucks. Son is 2 years 3 months and still breastfeeds. I think its sad as a society we promote ff over breastfeeding at such an early age when breastmilk is the optimum liquid for babies and toddlers over all others for up to 2 years and beyond.

I had it, just ignore ignore ignore.

People think what they did was best and they also probably all want a go of bottle feeding. My MIL was desperate and then would say what a shame it was DH couldn't feed the girls etc etc.

He did plenty, he was 100% EBF and we agreed when pregnant with my first his jobs could be all the non boob stuff, which there's a lot of.

You're doing the best for your child, hold your head high and enjoy this time while she's so little. Xxxxx

There isnt a problem! There is just a major cultural norm to give babies formula in this country. I am still ebf DS (5 months old) and when I mentioned to people that I will continue along side solids, I got a lot of and 'but.. follow on milk!'
You do what is best for you and your baby and either ignore or educate the people putting pressure on!

I think it definitely varies on their own experiences. My MiL breastfed all hers as did her daughters and so she expected me to do the same.

My Dm never produced any breastmilk, had a dreadful time of it and was told by a variety of people to try harder including her own DM who had breastfed 5 children easily (until said grandmother arrived and saw the state of both of us). However she never said I should or shouldn't breastfeed and only mentioned it when ds was about 2 to say that she'd been terrified that I'd encounter issues like she did. She also added she wouldn't have mentioned it at all if not for the fact that ds went from the 19th percentile to the 50th very quickly purely on breastmilk so that I obviously didn't have the same issues she had.

I'm due again in June and will be formula feeding from the start this time and when I told my MiL (it came up in conversation) she was horrified even though she saw how much I hated doing it the first time around.