To feel exhausted and resentful due to Husbands Anxiety

[MissingDietCoke]

Ok. Please be gentle, I'm really struggling. Today is the third time in the past month my husband has attended a&e with what we believe are severe panic/anxiety attacks. He is there now being tested to rule out any other illnesses (ecg, bloods etc).
He's always been quite sensitive and a bit of a worrier but this is a whole new level.

For the past few weeks he has totally withdrawn from family life. His only interaction with the kids is to scream at them for insignificant, typical childlike behaviour. They're great, loving, polite, well mannered children, but at ages 4 and 2 they're still bouncy and shouty at times. He can't deal with this at all. He retreats upstairs at every opportunity to play on his computer / lie down / take a break. Eg daughters birthday party this weekend - I organised, paid for, did everything on the day, all while entertaining the kids. He managed to attend the party in the end (in a separate car as he struggles to be around the kids when they're excited), but then wasn't able to assist with any of the clearing up, packing up etc and retreated to bed as soon as we were home.

I've been holding it together for the past month (longer really) by accepting this without question, giving him all the space and time out he needs, doing 100% of the childcare, running the household in its entirety as well as a demanding full time job. He can't deal with more than one thing at a time, or future planning, so I have planners up stating where everyone is/needs to be, what they need for school/Nursery, where I'm working, what's for tea etc etc to try and help.

I'm holding on by a thread. I'm utterly exhausted, terrified of what the future holds, worried sick about him and about what this means for us as a family. I'm putting a face on for the kids, keeping life as normal. But it's breading serious resentment - which I'm not proud of, but I'm being honest. I'm keeping a lid on it, and not admitting it to anyone in RL but how do I stop it? Is it normal to feel this way? I fantasise about being hospitalised myself so someone looks after me and I get a little break. (I know, I know - this is terrible, but I can't help it and I might as well be honest).

If I could only get him to seek help then I'd feel we were on the way to something, but he's seen a gp - won't disclose what was discussed - and then carried on as normal. No meds, I know that. He got a number to call for some talking therapy, but hasn't called it. If I can't see that he's trying to help himself I'm not sure how long I can carry on.

This is the second episode of this, the last was about 18 months ago, so clearly it's an existing problem.

Are these feelings normal, or am I just not a good person? Is there anyone that can relate?

Completely normal reaction! You are not horrible.

Anxiety is horrible for the sufferer. Him refusing to get help and thus making you suffer is unacceptable behaviour from a spouse.

I would suggest to him that he moves out until he has recovered enough to engage with family life: his presence now is damaging for the children and damaging to you.

I’m a firm believer that when your issues start impacting upon your nearest and dearest it is time to take action.

It would seem that he requires anti depressants and sharpish. Tell him your are on the brink and feeling exhausted.

Tell him that you cannot continue like this for much longer and highlight that his behaviour towards the children is very unreasonable.

Tell him if he wants to get better then he will have to actually take some action to chabge his situation

Does he work?

I'm the one that suffers with anxiety in my marriage, but I think it is totally normal for the other person to feel like that at least to some extent. I know that when my anxiety is bad it really takes a toll on my husband. For him he feels helpless and frustrated and it does get emotionally draining.

Be kind to yourself. It's frustrating that he won't sort treatment, but that could actually be down to the anxiety

I don't think anyone could accuse you of not being a good person. It's extremely frustrating to watch someone you care about having problems and seemingly doing nothing to help themselves. I've no real experience to offer but can you perhaps find him at a good time and talk it out gently? Explain that you know he's suffering and that it's having a bad effect on you and the children and you need him to get help for his sake and yours?

YADNBU. I think the thing that I would find most difficult to deal with is that he's not really doing anything about it - at least if he was on medication or having therapy, you'd feel that it might stop at some point.

What happened to stop this 18 months ago? Or did it just get a bit better for a while, then regress?

Anxiety / depression can be contagious; it leeches into everything and every part of life, which is obviously part of what makes it so unbearable and inescapable for the sufferer, but infects the people around them too. I'm so sorry you're going through this. He needs to get himself help; whether that's pills or therapy, he has to do it for you even if he doesn't want or can't cope with the thought of doing it for himself. It's a very selfish condition, depression; and I don't say that to be unkind about those that suffer it. But you need to address this with him, so that he's aware of how you're feeling. He may be so bleak that he honestly hasn't thought or noticed how it's impacting on you and, by extension, the family. Do talk to him.

YANBU

My husband suffers from anxiety, not to that extent but suffers in social situations in v similar ways to your DH

It’s hard. Really hard, and I sometimes also find myself day dreaming about breaking my leg to get a few days off in hospital.

Be kind to yourself, try and see if you can speak to him and explain that you think it’s time he sought help for the sake of you and your DC

Anxiety is a terrible condition but like losing weight, the sufferer is the only person who can do anything about it. You can be supportive but ultimately he must take responsibility to manage his condition.

Your feelings are totally normal and understandable and you're a saint for holding it together this far. He NEEDS to take action and try to help himself. You cannot destroy yourself over it. You are a support but its his condition to manage; nobody else can.

I appreciate that this a genuine problem for him, but he's an adult and you are effectively the sole carer for 2 kids under five. They have to come first. I would be saying he needs to find somewhere else to go at least temporarily. It's not on to shout at them for no good reason and do no other parenting at all, plus refuse to seek help for himself.

Oh god I k ow how you feel... I've been there all I can say it gets better with the right treatment. In the mean time you need to access counselling / support to make sure you are strong enough for yourself. Hugs

First all you are a good person. A friend of a friend was in similar repeat situation and partner only helped himself when he was given ultimatum of him or her moving out with kids. He then got antidepressants and became better. Easy for me to say but you must put yourself First, otherwise you cannot look after your kids and be there for anyone else. Have you a friend or relative that can give you a break with childcare even for an hour so you can talk to your husband without kids around? Alternatively can you get away for a weekend to a friend or relatives to give you some time to think without your husband being around?

@Butterymuffin would you be saying that if he had cancer or was in a car accident??? He is sick. Just because it's not physical doesn't make it any less worthy or support!!!

@Butterymuffin would you be saying that if he had cancer or was in a car accident???

If he had a physical illness that made it impossible for OP to care for him and the kids at the same time then a respite stay at a care home would not be a terrible idea.

You shouldn’t feel bad for admitting that his issues are impacting very much on your life. Don’t put a lid on it, you will make yourself ill too.

Can you get any practical help? Can anyone have the kids for you occasionally to give you a sanity break? Can he stay somewhere else so it’s just you and the kids you have to worry about?

Take care of yourself

He needs to take medication to sort out anxiety which is causing this many issues in the family. Or he needs to move out. If he's not tried medication then he's not really trying to get well.

I agree with previous posts, him doing nothing to address the issue isn't helping anyone. I would ask him what his plan of action is, he's got to want to help himself. I would also explain to him how this is impacting you, that you need support too

@cantstopfucking eating - yes.
If a physical illness impacted on a partner's ability to look after them selves and small children then I would be asking for help with either the partner or the children. If a partner wasn't supporting getting help in (in this case refusing to treat or discuss treatment concerns with his wife), I would be asking serious questions.
Being sick does not mean that poor behaviour (eg shouting at kids for being kids as anything other than a one off in extremis situation) should be excused.

I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. Put brutally, he’s making your job as a parent much harder than it would be if he wasn’t around. You’d be better off without him at the moment.
What you do about it is up to you. Give him an ultimatum? Make it clear how you feel. You certainly can’t keep going as you are. Marriage should be a partnership- he’s not living up to his side of the bargain so if he wants to and if you want him to he needs to sort himself out.

For your dc's sake, you need to insist he either takes up the therapy and is open with you about doctors' appointments etc, or that he leaves. Screaming at them for just being children is damaging them.

YANBU. I was a total arsehole before I was medicated. I have no idea how my DH put up with me .

Thank you for all the YANBUs and the reassurances. To answer questions, yes he works - I don't think his work helps the situation but I've spent 12 years encouraging him to look elsewhere and he never has so I don't think that's going to change.
And the episode 18 months ago just sort of went away - was never addressed properly really, and wasn't spoken of. He's not, and never has been a 'talker'.
He's the total opposite to me in almost every way which is mostly brilliant as he reigns me in when I'm over confident, is the voice of reason when I'm all gung ho etc and vice versa, but on this we're worlds apart and I can't identify- which is a big part of the problem.

I will definitely look for some external support to talk to now I feel more reassured that I'm not the worlds worst cow.

My ex dh suffered from anxiety, like your dh he couldn’t handle kids parties or even people visiting. I did most things by myself, I even took the dc’s on holiday with out him after a couple of disasterous holidays with him be ill with anxiety. As the children got older it began to get me down and I began to resent him, I felt like I was parenting alone and I felt I was missing out on a lot (and the children were missing out), eventually we split.

Chances are your dh will always be like this, there will be times when he’s less anxious but also times where he is worse. I feel sorry for anyone that suffers with anxiety (I suffer myself at times) but you have to consider how it will effect you and your children too.

YANBU. I have severe anxiety. Knocked me on my arse for about 3 months, for the first month I could barely leave my bedroom, two months I couldn’t leave the house. And that was WITH medication and therapy over the phone. I busted my ass to make sure I got better. My DC were 5 and 3 at the time. The only reason my then DH could cope with me was because of the amount of effort I was putting in to getting better. —Divorced now because the bastard cheated on me years later—

I’m still on medication for it, much lower dose, still do therapy, still try to exercise and eat properly as that really helps.

I’m too terrified of going back to how I was to not take my medication and do what I need to do to stay well.

If he won’t get help then sack him the fuck off for the sake of your DC.

I feel for you op. My adult son, who lives at home still, suffers from anxiety. It can be a rocky road when he's at his lowest. Walking on egg shells, but also trying to be firmly supportive. And I'm ashamed to say that's at times I hate the patient not the illness. Anxiety is a very selfish disease. The sufferer does lose touch with how much it impacts on those around them. Ive been in bed crying at the unfairness of it all many times. But you my love, have not only him and your kids to look after, you have to care for yourself.(which you know)
How about going to the dr? Talk to them, I'm not sure what they can offer, but there must be some help out there for people in your position.
💐

Op you most definitely aren’t unreasonable. I feel for your DH as it is so scarey suffering anxiety. The thought of seeking help and opening yourself up is so so worrying. But and this is a big but, even at my lowest ebb I was aware how my PTSD was affecting those around me. It sounds like he is trying to manage all this on his own through avoidance and withdrawal. He needs to know the consequences of not seeking help are worse than his (feared) consequences of seeking help. Be aware though that if you’re relying on the nhs waiting times could be long. Talking therapy will only work if he is on board. Could you visit the dr yourself and see if there are any local support groups for people in your position? Is there anyone who can help with childcare for the day or even overnight and go somewhere on your own.