To feel exhausted and resentful due to Husbands Anxiety

[MissingDietCoke]

Ok. Please be gentle, I'm really struggling. Today is the third time in the past month my husband has attended a&e with what we believe are severe panic/anxiety attacks. He is there now being tested to rule out any other illnesses (ecg, bloods etc).
He's always been quite sensitive and a bit of a worrier but this is a whole new level.

For the past few weeks he has totally withdrawn from family life. His only interaction with the kids is to scream at them for insignificant, typical childlike behaviour. They're great, loving, polite, well mannered children, but at ages 4 and 2 they're still bouncy and shouty at times. He can't deal with this at all. He retreats upstairs at every opportunity to play on his computer / lie down / take a break. Eg daughters birthday party this weekend - I organised, paid for, did everything on the day, all while entertaining the kids. He managed to attend the party in the end (in a separate car as he struggles to be around the kids when they're excited), but then wasn't able to assist with any of the clearing up, packing up etc and retreated to bed as soon as we were home.

I've been holding it together for the past month (longer really) by accepting this without question, giving him all the space and time out he needs, doing 100% of the childcare, running the household in its entirety as well as a demanding full time job. He can't deal with more than one thing at a time, or future planning, so I have planners up stating where everyone is/needs to be, what they need for school/Nursery, where I'm working, what's for tea etc etc to try and help.

I'm holding on by a thread. I'm utterly exhausted, terrified of what the future holds, worried sick about him and about what this means for us as a family. I'm putting a face on for the kids, keeping life as normal. But it's breading serious resentment - which I'm not proud of, but I'm being honest. I'm keeping a lid on it, and not admitting it to anyone in RL but how do I stop it? Is it normal to feel this way? I fantasise about being hospitalised myself so someone looks after me and I get a little break. (I know, I know - this is terrible, but I can't help it and I might as well be honest).

If I could only get him to seek help then I'd feel we were on the way to something, but he's seen a gp - won't disclose what was discussed - and then carried on as normal. No meds, I know that. He got a number to call for some talking therapy, but hasn't called it. If I can't see that he's trying to help himself I'm not sure how long I can carry on.

This is the second episode of this, the last was about 18 months ago, so clearly it's an existing problem.

Are these feelings normal, or am I just not a good person? Is there anyone that can relate?

just wanted to add my support to the comments about Him getting Help and fast... He must start engaging support agencies.. he cannot continue hiding in the bedroom whilst your losing your sanity trying to hold everything together alone ...

he needs intervention but if he won't seek it.. then you might need to consider making bigger decisions for yourself and your Kids

YANBU.

YANBU
Maybe try googling the Highly Sensitive Person - bit of a tangent but might have some coping strategies your DH can use for things like parties?

Stripy I think it’s a bit unfair to state if he’s not tried medication he’s not trying to get well. I refused medication re my PTSD (it was related to a medical trauma and taking any tablets threw me into a panic). But he should be doing something to try and get well. It sounds like he’s said to dr he’ll talk to someone but not been able to get the courage/motivation to do so.

I’m so sorry, OP.

My DH went through something similar when DC were pretty little. And I felt like you - it’s OK to have your own emotions about how this is impacting on you. Frustration and feelings of unfairness are allowed. But my DH got all the help he needed - private counselling, medication, I came to the GP with him and heard what they discussed, time off sick from work, everything.
That allowed me to be supportive.

I would tell him he needs to address this now, or you won’t be able to carry on as you are. Mental health problems are very real and need dealing with in the same way as physical problems i.e. seek treatment and take the advice. It worries me you don’t know what he said to the GP and he came away with no drugs, because from your picture of him he sounds pretty depressed to me.

Anxiety or not, you need to ask yourself if you want to live like this. Yes, you want to be a supportive wife, but at what cost to yourself? And your children? I’d give him a trial period to seek help and then reassess.

Just wanted to say 1) you're not a bad person. 2) I have been through similar and its extraordinarily draining and stressful.

I have been in a similar situation, my H (from whom I am now separated) suffers from fairly severe mental illness and has had to move out. He is still highly dependent on me, although we're not together, because he can barely look after himself and he will only do something about it when he feels suicidal. I know I had to separate from him to protect myself and my child but the guilt is still enormous.

Ultimately though you need to put yours and your children's needs first. There is nothing selfish about that.

Hello,

I can hear the desperation in your message.

Anxiety can be a chronic illness with peaks and troughs which can be managed with anti-depressants and talking therapies. However it sounds like getting DH to engage with the help is an issue here. To even see him engage may at least give you some relief that progress is on the horizon. So how do you get him into a position to do that?

Firstly do you know if he has a follow up appointment with his GP? He may not of course, and GP will not be able to discuss previous appointments with you for confidentiality reasons but you could call the GP practice with your concerns, which may prompt them to invite him in for an appointment. Mention the change in dynamic with the children as this is concerning and it may help both DH and GP see that he needs medication or other urgent support.

Speak to him in a neutral environment if possible, with children being looked after by someone else for an hour or so. Ask him is he finding the situation difficult. Ask him can he see a way in which to help himself. DH may be so clouded by the anxiety and depression he cannot see a way out of the forest at all. Express a recognition of how hard it is for him and that you want to express support for him, but it is difficult for you too (and you are doing a sterling job to date can I add). Express your concern for the children and the relationship and that the anxiety can be managed if he engages in help and that he MUST engage in help, as there is potentially alot to lose and it would be a pity for that to happen if years from now, in retrospect, he thought to soak up all the help offered to him. Perhaps then, if he is listening still, ask can you both go together to the GP appointment, as you also want to hear how best to support him. Book a double GP appointment when you go.

If he is closed and will not talk to you, does he have a close male friend/brother he talks to? then you need to channel the thoughts above to that person.... and that individual has the conversation outlined above and supports him at GP perhaps.

Let us know how it goes and yes it can be draining like any chronic illness, but with love and support you will get through it. BW.

OP, your DH is not functioning as a parent or a partner right now. I've been there. It's so lonely and crazy making. DH agressively refusing all attempts to talk about what's causing him to go off the rails. Just being shouted at, doors slammed, storming off. Me keeping house and DC together as best I can. It is a special kind of hell.

He needs to be told in black and white to buck his ideas up. Not to instantly get better, if it was that easy it would have happened already! But that what coping mechanisms he's using, are no longer working. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is called insanity.

I felt (still feel sometimes) like I was talking to a brick wall 99% of the time with my DH. What did help was trying to talk him through the wider context, that this was an opportunity for him to learn to deal with the situation more effectively, to cast away old habits that were keeping him trapped in the same old miserable cycle. I had to find words he could understand though and was willing to hear. The metaphor of a knight on a quest to slay a dragon helped a lot. To grasp that his life was in his hands.

Anyway that turned into an essay, sorry.

It's shit OP but you are not alone.

You've been very honest and I really feel for you reading that. Now you need to be very honest with your DH however much it might add to his anxiety. He's probably under the false impression that you are basically coping instead of understanding how exhausted and afraid you are.

Many people hate the idea of taking medication and see it as giving in or worry that they will have to spend the rest of their lives taking pills but anti-depressants can be fantastically helpful even short-term. This is his third time at A&E - have they prescribed anything?

Oh OP, I've seen this. If he's where it sounds like he is he needs time off to actually come to terms with where he is mentally (and physically) right now. If he's anything like people I've known he's likely in denial about how bad he is. He needs to recognise where he is and start looking after himself so he can begin to get better and be able to address the reasons he's like this and then recover and fully participate in family life.

Is this a sudden change or is it something that's been gradual? Does he see his friends, does he enjoy the activities he does, does he take any time for himself, eat and sleep properly, exercise?

What is acceptable for you when it comes to him and his behaviour? Is it him taking steps to get better, or looking after himself physically and mentally, or being fully well, or something else? How much help are you prepared to offer him and for how long?

As others have said, you can offer help but he doesn't have to take it. He needs to want to get well, you can't force him to want that. But you can decide if he doesn't want to get well, that you don't want him around because it's not good for you or the kids.

Big hugs for you, it sounds horrible, but until he recognises how bad he is and decides he wants to do something about it, you're a bit stuck. That's why I ask what your lines are.

I’m pretty sure in your shoes I would be having a sit down talk with him and telling him that he needs to get help and I’ll support him fully every step to sort this out or the time has come to seperate and go seperate ways.

This isn’t fair on your kids, you need to put them first if he won’t help himself.

Hi. My Dhabi suffered from severe mh problems including anxiety. Go and see your GPS (especially if you have the same one) and say how you are feeling and your concerns about the kids. Tel him you are making an appointment for him at his gp and go with him at all costs. Don't hold back in the appointment, get him to see what you are going through. Good luck.

Hi OP, sounds very tough for you ❤️❤️

Just wanted to say that i didn’t like the sound of you being ‘reigned in’ for being over confident... I know it’s an impossible time for you, but keep an eye on that...

My dad's anxiety ruined huge portions of my childhood and adolescence and ultimately ruined my parents' marriage. He never wanted to be around us. He either hid from us or screamed at us. 4 little kids, screamed at or ignored and untolerated. We were scared of him. We could never go anywhere as a family. He missed school events, birthday parties, social events. A lot of people assumed my mum was a single parent (well, she was). It majorly affected finances too which affected us all. My siblings are LC with him as he never built a relationship with us. I have a good relationship with him now but it has affected my relationship with my mum. Our family was ruined by anxiety and if I could go back in time I'd drag him out of his bed and scream at him to fucking pull himself together and get to the GP. He didn't even try to get better.

So no, YANBU. I've seen lived your future though and it isn't pretty. I'd be giving an ultimatum. Get help or get out. I don't care how harsh that sounds. Anxiety poisons the whole family.

Thank you to everyone that's taken the time to reply and for all being so supportive.

@Ruffian you're so right - I think he just sees me as coping fine, because I usually do. I'm self assured, capable, outgoing and confident, and I've always had that role in the relationship but this is breaking me. Perhaps I need to be honest with him finally and that might trigger something.

But equally, I do agree with everyone who's asked me to consider my future. I love him, but my children will always come first and I will do what I need to do to protect them and provide a happy future for them if things don't change.

Thanks again.

YANBU and you're not a bad person

I have social anxiety along with many other mental health conditions but I'm a single parent so 'not being able to cope' with parenting is not an option. I gave to take medication and seek support when needed or I'd lose my children.

If your husband was in therapy, in medication and had tried every kind of treatment and help possible then I'd have every sympathy with him, you and the whole family. Mental illness can be uncontrollably debilitating and impossible to pull yourself out of. But your husband doesn't seem to be even trying.