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Original poster

Would you tell someone their DH was cheating?

63 replies

SharronNeedles · 26/03/2018 23:00

So basically a male friend has confided in me that they have slept with another (male) colleague. My friend doesn't know that I know our colleague's wife through the gym. We aren't best mates or anything, but I see her a few times a week, occasionally we grab a coffee after the gym if we have time.
My friend says he only realised our colleague was married after it had happened. He said that our colleague confessed his feelings after a few drinks and apparently my friend knew he was gay for ages.
I have worked with our colleague for years and even attended his wedding. I just can't see him being gay let alone cheating.
So either
A) colleague is secretly gay and cheating on his wife
B) friend is lying
My friend loves drama but I have no idea if they would stoop to lying about this. Also have no idea why I have been involved!
WWYD? Do I say anything? Ignore it? Play dumb?

OP posts:
longtallwalker · 27/03/2018 08:28

I ignored an affair where a v good, and old friend of mine was the wronged party. I really regret it. The extra months and humiliation where she could have been in charge of the situation rather than humiliated still prey on my mind.
Each situation is different. But in my case I really wish I'd told.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 27/03/2018 08:29

New year - I'm sure some people are like that, but for most the reasoning would be different.
If I were thinking entirely selfishly, I'd always stay out if it - you risk not being believed, the messenger gets shot, you get dragged into the drama, and if either party is a friend those friendships will never be the same. Plus in this scenario there's a chance that all the mess gets dragged into work too. However if the shoe were on the other foot and I were being cheated on, I know I'd want to know.
A partner who has cheated once is likely to do so again, or continue the affair etc. Sooner or later the partner will get hurt, and in the meantime they're wasting their time in/getting attached to a doomed relationship and a partner who doesn't deserve them.

In this case though OP, it sounds like you're not sure. If you tell the DW everything will blow up, and mud sticks, so I'd definitely not say anything without 100% certainty.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/03/2018 08:30

People really do want to know. They would especially want to know if their hubby was gay.

If it was my hubby I really wouldn’t care if you were my close friend or not I’d want you to tell me.

Make sure you are completely certain your friend is telling you the truth

TheNameIAmAChanging · 27/03/2018 08:32

Possibly, but only for the right reasons and only if I was 100% sure, (which you are definitely not, as you say). Not a nice position to be put in OP.

incywincybitofa · 27/03/2018 08:38

I wouldn't get involved. AT ALL.
At best this friend who likes drama is winding you up at worst he is using you to create a drama between this man/colleague and his wife and has told you because he wants the wife to find out. Either way you are being played and you will be someone burned in the fallout.

The only thing that worries me is that the woman might have unwittingly been infected with an STD, if that were a worry I would probably tell the husband of your friend that you thought your friend had an STD.

fudgesmummy · 27/03/2018 08:38

Mmmmm. Difficult one.
When my dh told me he had been having an 19 month long affair with a work colleague the thought that people at his work, (who I had chatted to when I had popped in the shop) knew made me feel completely humiliated. Sad
The fact that several of them covered up for him and enabled them to meet at lunch time (one fucking bitch letting them use her house Angry ) shocked me, surely one of them would have thought I had a right to know?
And yes, I would have liked one of them to tell me

user1493413286 · 27/03/2018 08:42

I’d stay out of it; it’s a tricky position but it’ll make work or the gym (or both) very difficult and none of them will thank your for it

PoorYorick · 27/03/2018 08:42

In this case, I'd stay out of it.

pasturesgreen · 27/03/2018 08:43

You have no idea if this is even true. Stay well out of it!

betrayedandwobbly · 27/03/2018 08:48

I didn't want to shoot the messenger who brought be news of XH's affair.

Indeed, I feel gratitude as that was the only person in the whole sorry mess who acted with integrity.

Though in your shoes, I'd tell your (male) friend what you have been told, and see if his reaction shows you whether what (male) colleague has said is true.

MadeForThis · 27/03/2018 08:51

Just drop into conversation with the DH who your friend is. You don't have to say that you know what happened.

A simple mention that you always get told about the latest conquests should be enough.

It's also vague enough that if your friend is lying you won't cause any trouble at work.

TatianaLarina · 27/03/2018 09:03

I would always want to know if my DH were cheating or gay or both.

But as you don’t know if it’s true there’s nothing you can do here.

Kokeshi123 · 27/03/2018 09:04

If I knew for sure, I would say something.

This is a tricky situation, though, as he could be bullshitting.

beboldbebluntbehonest · 27/03/2018 09:09

As someone up thread said I would tell my friend that you know the wife and are going to tell her. If that didn't work then I would let the husband know you know and try and convince him to own his mistake. It's not fair on the wife and I couldn't stand by and say or do nothing.
I hate all this about the messenger getting shot crap. If it's true then no way would anyone who was sincere would tell the secret in such a way that it came across as malicious. I would want to know and my friends feel the same. I perhaps wouldn't tell directly with someone I didn't know that well but I would probably try to force the truth out somehow via the cheater or the one they are cheating with. Although they clearly have the morals of an alley cat so you may need to do their dirty work for them and blab (in a sincere manner of course).
Good luck with whatever you decide to do op. It must be pretty shitty to be put in this position.

isthismylifenow · 27/03/2018 09:27

Yes very difficult. He has confided in you about it, so therefore I assume he would trust you with this information.

If you were a very good friend of the wife, it may be a bit different. Although, I have told a good friend her partner was seeing someone else. It didn't end well and it ruined the friendship. She accused me of all sorts, including trying to ruin her life, that I was just jealous of her etc etc. He married the OW yet still his ex and I do not speak.

In another breath, I was cheated on. No one told me but many knew. I was angry that no one had said anything, but I do understand why they didn't.

HappydaysArehere · 27/03/2018 09:33

No, no, no. You are getting too involved. It’s nothing to do with you and the colleague who is telling you all this sounds unreliable. Perhaps he just enjoys fantasies. You don’t know.

mikeyssister · 27/03/2018 12:22

Tell gay friend you're going to tell colleague, because you know colleague's wife, and you want colleague to have chance to come clean before you tell wife?

This gives gay friend chance to come clean if he's lied
Colleague the chance to come clean if it's the truth
Wife opportunity to be told if you want

It also gives everyone chance to get their lies ready and their storied straight but that''s the chance you take.

Kokeshi123 · 27/03/2018 13:28

Tell gay friend you're going to tell colleague, because you know colleague's wife, and you want colleague to have chance to come clean before you tell wife?

THIS!!!!

This is excellent.

HollyBayTree · 27/03/2018 14:37

What would you persoanlly gain from telling?

We all know a tittle tattle, one who delights in running with gossip (real or imagined) - whats in it for you OP?

Atticusss · 27/03/2018 14:53

newyearnewme and hollybaytree I find your assumption that a person in this position or someone who tells gets a kick out of it is really bizarre, and quite naive. Only someone who cared would consider putting themselves in this awkward position imo.

Op, in your situation I'd say nothing or tell your friend you know the wife. You need to find out if it's true before you make your decision.

Atticusss · 27/03/2018 14:54

I think someone you have coffee with regularly should be considered a true friend though.

FilledSoda · 27/03/2018 14:59

Just stay out of it ,absolutely none of your business .

Lizzie48 · 27/03/2018 15:05

The OP knows it's none of her business, I'm sure she wishes she didn't know about it. The trouble is that it's impossible to turn back the clock and forget you heard it.

But no, I really wouldn't tell, especially as the wife isn't a close friend and you don't know for sure anyway.

MsHarry · 27/03/2018 15:13

I would consider telling your colleague that you know. Or at least sounding him out a bit by bringing your friend's name up.

MsHarry · 27/03/2018 15:15

He might be going through terrible conflicting emotions and might need or appreciate your support.

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