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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Normal child behaviour or not?

54 replies

PrettyLittIeThing · 26/03/2018 19:03

Is it normal for a 6 year old to tell you they hate you? My child's behaviour has become really challenging recently and he pretty much tells me daily (at some point) he hates me. Is this normal?

OP posts:

BTatemyhamster · 26/03/2018 20:35

Yeah, I remember DD saying 'I think I hate you' at around six. I told her to give ten years and she'd be sure. Not long to go now . . .

Liara · 26/03/2018 20:36

My 8yo and 11yo have never said this (yet!).

elQuintoConyo · 26/03/2018 20:38

Mydoghatesthebath hiring animals - shocking behaviour!

My 6yo has never said it. He has said it about X friend who won't let him play, or Y friend who pushed him over. Or about peas! But never to either DH or I.

I can imagine it comes from a place of distress in the child, in one way or another, and must be hideous to hear said to you

Mydoghatesthebath · 26/03/2018 20:41

hiring animals obviously hating

Hope my post wasn’t smug!! Wasn’t meant to be it was just a red line in our house.

Loonoon · 26/03/2018 20:43

I think it's normal. They don't hate you at all, they just temporarily hate whatever behaviour you are currently enforcing or forbidding. If a child doesn't ever say it I would think they are probably either scared to ( I certainly was as I had a very strict, cruel mother so I thought it rather than said it) or so over-indulged that they have no need to. I agree with the PP who says it shoes they are secure. They know they can say a terrible thing, express powerful and overwhelming anger or frustration. and still be loved.

Like other people I used to respond 'well I still love you lots and lots' or some such and they would be very affectionate and apologetic once the storm had passed.

kimanda · 26/03/2018 20:47

Both my girls (now grown) have not ever said they hate me (or DH.) not at any age. They have had their sulky phases over the years, but have never said they hate us.

If they HAD said it, and had said it regularly - especially as young as 5 or 6 (like some posters are saying on here,) I would be very worried and upset, and would seriously be questioning why.

One poster said if they say they hate you, it means you're doing a good job!

How the hell do they work THAT out?!

If a child has never said they hate you, it doesn't mean they are scared to say it because you are a strict authoritarian. What a crock of shit. That's just people trying to make themselves feel better.

kimanda · 26/03/2018 20:49

@loonoon

If a child doesn't ever say it I would think they are probably either scared to ( I certainly was as I had a very strict, cruel mother so I thought it rather than said it) or so over-indulged that they have no need to. I agree with the PP who says it shoes they are secure. They know they can say a terrible thing, express powerful and overwhelming anger or frustration. and still be loved.

What a load of utter crap.

As I said, this is just people trying to make themselves feel better about their kids saying they hate them!!!

Original poster

PrettyLittIeThing · 26/03/2018 20:53

No I wasn't hitting him (I don't smack) and wasn't shouting at the time. He said it because I wouldn't get his charger for his iPad. I thought it was unusual which is why I questioned it (like I said dd has never said it neither has my 4 yo.)

OP posts:

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/03/2018 20:55

I think some children just experience very strong emotions at this age, it's a time when they realise their perfect adored parents are a bit rubbish and the result is sometimes a strong reaction. Of course, then it has an effect, which can make it even more likely to be said.

On the occasions mine have said it, which aren't that frequent, I just say 'well, I love you' and don't make a big deal of it.

If you are stuck on how to parent at this age, then the 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk ' is brilliant for moving you on from the more simple stuff that works with toddlers and reminds you to actually listen to what your children say properly, and stop constantly telling them they aren't what they just said 'you can't be hungry' 'no, you are tired' - validating what they say, even if it seems a bit silly, helps them feel heard and then they tend not to say such extreme/silly things. It's a great book, I really recommend it for this age group, which I struggled with a bit after feeling like I'd cracked toddlerhood!

Mydoghatesthebath · 26/03/2018 20:57

Bizarre post that children saying they hate you mean you are doing a good job!!!

How so?

Allowing your kids to say horrible things? Do they hate you?

My 6 children were trust me never scared to share their feelings with us or each other but fortunately we provided them with a childhood of security love and above all laughter and modelling good behaviour. If they never heard me or dh say ‘I hate you’ and they didn’t where on earth would those feelings of hate come from?

Of course kids say and do all sorts of things but to say ‘I hate you’ Is acceptable and even cathartic Is bizarre.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 26/03/2018 20:58

In the context of 'Go to bed/Do your homework/Eat your vegetables' being answered with 'I hate you' yep, it's totally normal, fucking irritating but normal. DD(9) likes to add 'why do you keep ruining my life?' and sometimes a door slam these days, I assume they grow out of it at some point but teen DS is still prone to an I hate you tantrum.

The only children I know that have truly never done this at all are the ones that get their own way all the time, its pretty easy to have kids that don't answer back when you never tell them what to do.

Mydoghatesthebath · 26/03/2018 21:03

Well I would never ever counter ‘I hate you with but I love you’

Fuck that. No child of mine uses hate language to me or their siblings.

Basic manners and self control.

I think you can excuse and reason too much. It’s essy to do that with a small toddler but you can’t do that with a teenager! I know we had 6.

It’s about teaching basic respect and manners. And no saying ‘I hate you’ is never acceptable aged 4/6/16 or 60 .

thehairyhog · 26/03/2018 21:05

Isn’t it just a 6 year old version of a meltdown?

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 26/03/2018 21:05

If they never heard me or dh say ‘I hate you’ and they didn’t where on earth would those feelings of hate come from?

Because children, being people, have light and shade, dark feelings as well as happy ones. This is normal, IMO.

They don't necessarily mean 'hate' as an adult would mean it, but intense dislike. I certainly sometimes feel sad, hateful, annoyed, as well as happy, excited, frustrated and so on. Feeling a gamut of emotions is normal and children don't have the same filters as adults to know what you 'should' and 'shouldn't' say. They are also trying out different modes of being, see what happens. In this case, the less you react the better.

lynmilne65 · 26/03/2018 21:09

yeah dgd says it all the time, upsets my son and dil ☹️

justbinthefeckinbyebyebox · 26/03/2018 21:10

My ds is 3 and he says " go away, I really don't like you " on repeat!!!
So I would guess, he is nearing the next stage.

JT05 · 26/03/2018 21:15

DS, now grown up, said at 10 yrs old ‘ I’d hate you, if I didn’t respect you!’
I think it’s pretty a normal development comment.😊

wanderings · 26/03/2018 21:41

When I was at the height of my adolescence, I used to sulk a lot when I didn't get my way. My mum was amused by another mum's teenage daughter of her friend, who would regularly say: "I 'ate yer, mum! I 'ate everyfing about yer!!" My mum told me (not joking I think) that it might do me some good to say the same thing. I felt rather confused by this. I remember my parents' angry reactions to other things I used to say, such as "I wish I was an only child".

I do agree that if a child says "I hate you", they probably mean "I hate what you're doing". They haven't yet learned that it's not tactful to say "I hate you". They've most likely heard it from other children, or on TV. Children and teenagers often don't realise the impact of such casually uttered words. I remember a line of a teenage girl in a film: "it's great being an orphan: you can always change parents".

Charolais · 26/03/2018 21:43

I’ve learned from witnessing how my own children turned out (along with my friends and relatives children) that their adult personalities are there right from an early age.

Btw; my oldest is in his 40’s.

BertieBotts · 26/03/2018 21:59

Can be normal yes! It's just a bit more of a grown up version of a tantrum - best ignored. Never take it personally any more than you'd take a three year old stamping and rolling on the floor personally :)

TheClitterati · 26/03/2018 22:04

My DD used to say this a lot. It's shocking isn't it. Dd1 never said anything like this dd2 is much more high drama type of child.

Thankfully nearing 7 now she hasn't said it for quite some time after saying it all the time.

I don't have any advice though - try not to react too much. My DD certainly was trying to provoke a reaction from me.

TheClitterati · 26/03/2018 22:08

Allowing your kids to say horrible things?

I'd really love to know how you can control what your children say? Especially retrospectively - that is some super awesome parenting power.

sunnyshowers · 26/03/2018 22:10

My dd and twin sons have all told me they hate me. It was a moment of frustration and high emotion for them.
Every time I said...that's Ok.. I love you...I always love you.
It drove rhem INSANE but it happened once maybe twice but never again...
It's important they know it's ok to feel that but we still love them...it's awful hard for them...growing up is tough

pigeondujour · 26/03/2018 22:14

I’ve learned from witnessing how my own children turned out (along with my friends and relatives children) that their adult personalities are there right from an early age.

Btw; my oldest is in his 40’s.*

God is that right? I wondered why the pub always seemed to be full of adults shitting their pants and crying because their mate wouldn't share a toy fire engine.

Dixiebell · 26/03/2018 22:23

My DS (7) has been quite hard work and yes, rude, disrespectful like this for about 6 months. Feels like he’s a teenager sometimes, I didn’t know this started happening so early!

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