To feel slightly miffed.....

[char187]

So I'm pregnant with 3rd dc. Not due until September.

Had a phone call from my mum earlier, she's been out for lunch today with my aunty. My aunty mentioned to my mum how she is expecting my 11 year old nephew to be godfather to my unborn child.

Now this isn't happening. Dc3 will be christened we are my other 2 dcs. My aunty is actually dds god mother. But I have no plans to ask my cousin to be. We already have one god father in mind, not sure if we will be having 2.

I got married last year and my aunty sent an email my myself, dh, my mum and dad, sister to ask if my cousin could have a part in the wedding as she didn't want him to feel left out. She basically asked if he could be a page boy. I explained to her that we weren't having page boys, ds is autistic and dhs son wasn't wanting to have a part in the wedding so on the boys side, no one was being anything. Which was fine with us, we didn't want the fuss. But I thought of a job my nephew could do and he was then portrayed a page boy on the day by my aunty even though he wasn't. I left it slide though was slightly annoyed at that. It looked as though we had left out own sons out of the wedding.

My cousin is an only child and I totally understand she wants my cousin to have family - she doesn't get on with her own family. She's married to my dads brother so not a blood relative.

They live 2 hours away and we don't really see them often. Once/twice a year.

So how do I handle this? I want a plan in place and have a while to think about it. The sad thing is, she probably will fall out with us for not asking him. They will most definitely get an invite to the christening but I don't really want my cousin to be a godparent.

It’s easy really. The whole point of a god parent is to guide and be there for your child if anything happens to you and your partner. An 11 yo is not suitable. He needs guidance himself and would hardly be in a position to care for the baby if heaven forbid you were in a car crash tomorrow

I cant even think of a situation where you would ask an 11 year old child to act as moral guidance for another child. Quite a strange train of thought.

How do you handle it ? You don't . Your aunt hasnt brought it up with you, so you don't need to respond. If it's brought up at any point yo usimply say 'Idon't know where you got that idea' and smile, sweetly.

Surely it would be a good thing if she fell out with you.

I doubt the vicar would allow it. It's a big responsibility and I don't think an 11 year old would necessarily fully understand the role. Look at CofE website, it says no minimum age but heavily implies godparents should be over 18.

Yes I don't feel comfortable with having a child as a god parent. That's exactly my point, it doesn't feel right. But even if he was 10 years older, I still wouldn't as me and dh are simply not close enough to them to ask. We barely see them. We message every few weeks but that's all.

I think I will take the smile sweetly advice and just say we have it sorted.

@CakeAndChocolate, there is no age limit but it does depend on what the vicar thinks. My first thought was surely he is too young and that was it, problem sorted but google proved me wrong unfortunately

What did your mother say? Surely, she would have made a comment to suggest otherwise.

Nip it in the bud now, send an email (as she seems to like them). Mum says you were asking about godparents, just to let you know that we have already asked close friends and much to our delight they have accepted. Hope this clear up any confusion on your part. See you all at Granny's annual BBQ.

WTF? An 11 year old godfather?!

Even Don Corleone wasn't that quick off the mark.

I’m catholic and was always told that people have to be 18 or over to be a godparent? That’s the rule in our parish anyway.
11 is far too young, the clue is in the name God parent

The whole point of a god parent is to guide and be there for your child if anything happens to you and your partner

I see this time and again and sorry, Karigan but it isn't true UNLESS you take legal steps that a godparent becomes legal guardian ahead of any next of kin. It is, strictly speaking, a religious role and not a legal one. These days they are generally there to be a bit like an extra uncle or aunt (unless they are already related) and to show an interest in the godchild and a bit of a moral compass, someone the godchild could talk to about stuff if they didn't feel comfortable talking to their parents.

She can expect all she wants but unfortunately that won’t be happening. Tell your mum that, as she told you in the first place, and she can let your aunty know.

I totally agree with the age thing. It doesn't feel right having a child to be a god parent to my child. I do actually know some people who were god parents as a child, my best friend being one. She's 33 and has a 20 year old god daughter. But for me, just no. Even if we hadn't got anyone in mind, it would still be no.

The thing is, she sees him as a very 'mature young man'. This is what she called him when I told her I was pregnant. She was frustrated that I didn't tell her earlier - I told her at 12 weeks but lots of people knew before then. But I was still a bit peed off about the whole wedding thing and I knew she would some how turn it around to be about my cousin. And she did.

Her reply to my pregnancy was 'congratulations ls, very happy for you all blah blah blah' then I got another message saying 'I've decided to tell cousin about the the baby, he's a very mature young man now and I'm sure he will handle the news quite well'

I didn't respond to it as the response in my head was 'what the actual f**k is she on about'. I just don't get it'.
Now we are on to the whole god parent thing.

I think my mum was quite taken back by it to be honest, she told me she said something along the lines of 'I think they are asking members of dhs family to be godfather' which is true. I don't know what my aunty response was. I'm just annoyed that it's even been brought up tbh.

I always love it when the pedants come out to play. The fact you now need to nominate legal guardians and deal with it legally does not detract from the original intentions and purpose now does it.

Which denomination? C of e? Has he been confirmed?
Because I don't think he can be if he hasn't been confirmed, and 11yo is the youngest it's usually done in c of e.

“Hi Aunty Fuckwit. So, we’v been chatting about how child cousin will be able to provide moral and Christian guidance for baby. Will he be enrolling in prayer classes and taking part in extra Christian study? We assume you’re going to drive him to ours every Sunday to attend our church to support his godchild?
Now, what have you discussed with him re homosexual marriage? Has he any views on the grey area of practising CoE clergy being able to be in a gay, committed relationship as long as they’re celibate?
Also, where are you up to with your chats to him about sex before marriage and abortion? Has he any views on the Catholic dogma on contraception and life beginning at cellular/sperm level?
It will be lovely to spend a few hours debating on the bible’s teaching on forgiveness when applying to crimes such as the child sex abuse epidemic in the church.
Let me know how many weekends he’s available each month (we obviously realise that he’ll probably only be able to attend around 80% of them) and are so glad you two are going to embark on this spiritual adventure together. Won’t it be fun!”

You can be a godparent in the C of E even if you are not confirmed, but it's preferred, which rather implies you need to be older than 11. You have to be baptised.

@QueenArseClangers that is an amazing answer, tempted to copy and paste....

I think maybe she just expects it as she is God mother to my dd however we were much closer back then. She hadn't fallen out with her family. She's really changed since she has and has this massive thing about my cousin not feeling left out of anything and that's what this is about. Not the best interests of my child. Which frustrates me even more.

I'm glad I've written this, I was worried about what to say when the subject comes up as I don't want to fall out....but I can see now I just basically need to be blunt as say it how it is.

No, don’t start telling her what you’d expect...fgs that way madness lies.

Just ignore it until she says something to you directly. When she does, just say ‘Ha ha that’s very funnny, a child god parent, you’re funny’ then when she says she’s serious just tell her not to be so daft & that you’re not having a child as a god parent. If she clatters on about him being mature and almost a teenager just tell her that while he might be mature for his age, he is still a child and it’s not happening.

Gosh OP, she sounds both difficult and manipulative. She told your mother for one reason and one reason only, so it would go straight back to you. Now she knows you have the information, the longer you leave it, the longer she assumes she has got her way and its a done deal. Then cue all 'but I've told him now, he'll be heart broken' wailing. Do it now, then she has plenty of time to digest it, have a strop, get over it and choose an outfit for the christening.

I admire your stoic stance at your wedding but come on, do you want her to take over all YOUR family celebrations. She is behaving badly. If she wants him to have family ties, she is going the wrong way about it. Don't worry about her falling out with you, people like her always find a reason in the end. It does make you wonder why she doesn't get on with her family, perhaps she has form.

She sounds a bit unhinged, to be honest. Not everything is about her DS. Not every family event has to revolve around him.

"Not being left out" means being invited along to the things that all the rest of your extended family are invited to.

It does not mean being centre stage and star of everything.

when I told her I was pregnant. She was frustrated that I didn't tell her earlier - I told her at 12 weeks but lots of people knew before then.

Fuck me. I know it's not the point of the thread, but this seems like a looooot of sharing. I only told my parents at around 4 months, mostly because I thought DM's DB might say something to them. And I only told my uncle and aunt because we were visiting them at 16 weeks and I was looking a bit bulge-y . DP isn't close to most of his family, and they were only "told" when they got the birth announcement card.

My son was asked to be a godfather when he was 12 and (now 19) they probably wish they’d chosen someone older! It’s a nice idea but honestly, teenagers barely remember to buy their family members present, let alone their godchildren! And as for being a moral guardian!

As great as it would be to send her that message I’d personally just say ‘don’t be daft, Little Jonny can’t be baby’s godfather!’ and give her a mega raised eyebrow.