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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think oh should help cover more bills while I’m struggling?

55 replies

Sophiewofiex · 26/03/2018 08:52

Just looking for some advice as this is our first time living together. when we first decided to move in together I was earning more and agreed to cover all the bills whilst he pays rent and now I’m on sick pay in total I have £583 a month including dd’s benefits.
He earns 2250 a month and he pays rent he doesn’t have many outgoings only rent and car insurance no finance or anything.
I’m struggling to pay for internet, council tax, gas and electric and the food shop on my income.
We’re going on holiday on Sunday and I have all these bills to pay before we go which will leave me with next to nothing.

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 26/03/2018 10:28

When he 'reminds you about bills' why aren't you saying 'i have no way to pay these bills because - as you know - I have very little money coming in'?

He shouldn't need telling, of course, but when a clear ccut opportunity like that arises why aren't you starting the conversation?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 26/03/2018 10:32

Does not sound like he sees you as a couple

But clearly, he was on a good deal (for him)

Now that the tables have turned, he does not want toto be the one paying more? Hmm

Unbelievable! He is not a real partner at all.

He is a user

Bundlesmads · 26/03/2018 10:34

How much are the bills you pay per month in comparison to the rent?

LagunaBubbles · 26/03/2018 10:37

Did you talk about finances before you got pregnant? These threads blow my mind, useless selfish men to have children with.

NurseButtercup · 26/03/2018 10:42

If I've read your op correctly your partner is earning £2250 per month against your £553 per month and you're paying all the bills? Is something else happening that is stopping you from asking him to contribute more? Are you afraid of him?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 26/03/2018 10:43

He hasn't got a crystal ball. It probably hasn't occurred to him that you're so short of money.

It should have. This is the sort of thing that a partner needs to be on top of: it's as much his responsibility to ask as hers to raise it. both are remiss in letting it get to this stage. The communication needs to be better.

Original poster
Sophiewofiex · 26/03/2018 10:47

He’s a good partner to be honest I’ve had really bad hyperemesis and he’s took care of everything so I’ve been able to rest and stay in bed this is the only problem really but I think it’s because we haven’t really spoken about it.

I don’t know if he’s psychic or what but he’s just came up and said he will pay for the council tax this month but say goodbye to getting a car.

OP posts:
Canwejustrelaxnow · 26/03/2018 10:54

Sit down around the laptop and start a spreadsheet. Everything goes in, including savings, joint debt, phone, petrol etc. That will be the true picture of what your lives cost. You then need to discuss how it will all be paid. We have a joint pot of money (No joint bank account). All money is family money. All the outgoings are added up and what's left is divided in 2. This is fair.

Once your dp has this picture then what he does next will be telling. Where does he expect you to magic this money up from?

sallythesheep73 · 26/03/2018 10:55

You need to get a system in place that works - you can't and shouldn't ask for random hand outs.
I read a book years ago which gave a good system.
You add up ALL your joint outgoings (bills, rent, baby clothes, food, petrol, holidays etc). Agree on what they are and the budget for each.
Then add your total current incomes.
Then calculate the % of your outgoings compared to your income. Say it is 50% then you both pay in 50% of your income to the joint account. Not necessarily the same ££ but the same %.
This can be varied as circumstances e.g. income changes.
We have used this system for 8 years and it has seen us through long term sickness, maternity leave and just about all the other shit that life can throw at you.
You need to get this sorted now.
Its 100 years since the suffragettes. Don't be a subservient type who has to 'ask' for money. You're either in this together or you are not and best to find out now..

Hope this helps!

UrgentExitRequired · 26/03/2018 11:01

Goodness me. Be sure not to marry this dude.

PorkFlute · 26/03/2018 11:07

That’s even worse. He knows you’re struggling and has agreed to pay one bill this month only! When he has 15k in the bank! You need to tell him what a selfish arse he’s being.

ForlornWanderer · 26/03/2018 11:13

To all those just calling the DH names, obviously he should realise she will be earning less money now, and figure out he needs to chip in more, but from what the OP has said, she hasn't spoken to him about this either. She is equally a grown-up and is capable of saying 'I don't have enough to cover the bills, how shall we sort this out?' to him rather than sit waiting for him for realise and pay the bills.

I don't understand this not talking to the person concerned but coming on MN to have a moan about how awful he is. And if OP comes back to say she has spoken and he's refused, well obviously that's a different issue, but from what I can tell here, she just needs to do what most couples do and talk to each other!

PorkFlute · 26/03/2018 11:21

The op has said that her partner knows she has £500 in her account compared to his £15K and is still harassing her about bills. He has now thrown her some crumbs and offered to pay one bill this month only. Yet he was happy for the op to pay more when she earned more??? He deserves everything that she been said about him on here and more.
It’s not that he’s unaware that the op is struggling it’s that he is happy to let it continue as it works out better for him. The conversation the op needs to have isn’t to make her oh aware that he’s being unfair it’s to let him know that she won’t accept it.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 26/03/2018 11:33

Another example of why people should marry if.they are going to have kids

BertrandRussell · 26/03/2018 11:36

Why would being married make a difference to this situation?

Babyroobs · 26/03/2018 11:49

he is on a decent wage, of course he should be paying towards joint bills. Assuming your child's dad is paying CM for her, then your partner should be contributing more whilst you are off sick carrying his child.

Trinity66 · 26/03/2018 11:56

You're out sick while pregnant with his child and he's reminding you to pay bills Confused He sounds charming.

ForlornWanderer · 26/03/2018 11:58

Porkflute, ah ok I missed that update from the OP.

But she did also say this is the only problem really but I think it’s because we haven’t really spoken about it which is what led me to say she just needs to have a conversation about it with him.

Bundlesmads · 26/03/2018 12:02

But we don’t know how much the OPs outgoings are. Really if the £15k is put aside for a deposit or something they should use the £500 before they start dipping into savings.

PorkFlute · 26/03/2018 12:10

So you think that the op should still be responsible for more day to day expenses when she’s on sick pay which is much less than her ohs earnings?

Bundlesmads · 26/03/2018 12:16

No, I think they should use their ready cash before dipping into savings.

Although interestingly enough, there was a thread on here the other day where a posters DP had children and the consensus was regardless of earnings the partner with the child should be paying more because the child is an extra expense. It’s interesting nobody has brought that up on this thread.

PorkFlute · 26/03/2018 12:20

But it’s mostly the ops earnings that are being used leaving her struggling.
I agree if it was a new relationship the op should be responsible for her child’s expenses but with someone she’s having a child with? Are they going to continue to be classed as her child and their child or be a family?

Bundlesmads · 26/03/2018 12:33

That’s a point pork. But the savings should really be irrelevant here as they have other cash.

And if his money is family money then why is the OPs money not family money? This is such a common theme in here. What’s his is ours, what’s mine is mine.

They should be sorting out a system so that they have an equal amount of free spends. The situation now isn’t fair on the OP. But I don’t think it’s fair to saddle him with all the household expenses and leave all the OPs income as spends either.

And it’s definitely not fair or reasonable to bring savings into it unless they are totally stuck. Heaven forbid, but if there were any problems around delivery etc there is the potential for long hospital stays and they could really need it. I’ve been there.

Original poster
Sophiewofiex · 26/03/2018 12:36

We’ve had the talk now he said he will pay the bills from now on and I just do the food shop. He said he wants me to start talking to him instead of keeping things to myself which I probably do to much! I was a single mum when I met him so I still try and hold on to my independence I guess.

OP posts:
kiplingback · 26/03/2018 12:37

He’s a good partner to be honest I’ve had really bad hyperemesis and he’s took care of everything

Except putting his hand in his pocket Hmm

He is not a good partner he is an absolute cunt who is taking you for a mug.

He knows you are on sick pay. He knows you have little money in your account. He is reminding you of upcoming bills Confused

Sounds like a catch Hmm