Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Child maintenance

56 replies

Daffodils78 · 26/03/2018 04:56

AIBU to ask for £30-£50 a week child maintenance for one biological child and one step child. No extras, like uniforms or clubs, that would be for everything except one (maybe two) days with Dad, so whatever he spends then.

Would be an out of court settlement. He often earns more than that on the calculator, but might have to take a lower paid job temporarily. I would not expect this to fluctuate even if his earnings do due to seasons, etc.

He has asked for a sum, and I don't want to suggest anything ludicrous but neither do I want my kids going short. I don't want him to struggle, either.

AIBU? Or does that sound about right? Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodils78 · 26/03/2018 12:28

Nobody is expecting it

But if we lived in the states I would get alimony for myself, and both DCs, I believe.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 26/03/2018 12:28

Cross post. Why would the law need to cover a private financial arrangement you claim this guy is happily offering?

redfairy · 26/03/2018 12:29

You could pop your figures into the CMS calculator to get a guideline.

Personally I feel whilst things are amicable at the moment be prepared for them not to be so. Things do change when reality bites (and new girlfriends) You are working as a team at the moment but once that distance comes and he starts receiving advice from other people you might find him less keen to do the right thing.

PrettyLittIeThing · 26/03/2018 12:31

Oh god no! I already don't like that if a man moved in with a woman and her kids he pays less maintenance to his own kids let alone having to be finacially responsible for your exes kids aswell, that's what your kids own dad is for, it's your choice not to chase up maintenance from the bio dad.

pigeondujour · 26/03/2018 12:31

That's only the case in very specific circumstances where people make legal commitments to step children - plus I gather you're not in the US? So I don't understand the reference to US law?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 26/03/2018 12:35

But if we lived in the states I would get alimony for myself, and both DCs, I believe

But you don’t Grin

Original poster
Daffodils78 · 26/03/2018 12:41

I was never asking about the law, regardless. I was asking about making a personal agreement without the need for courtrooms or CMS. I wouldn't expect someone to pay for a child that they did not see and treat as their own or at the expense of any other child, I wouldn't expect anyone to have to pay for a child that is not their own at all I have been asked "what do you think I could/should contribute towards DCs?" Amicably. So that we don't have to go through a blood bath.

I am fully aware that if/when situation changes in the future then things might not be so amicable and that then CMS and courtrooms may become necessary etc. but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodils78 · 26/03/2018 12:44

I think I misworded, I realise now I wrote out of court settlement when what I actually meant was mutual agreement

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 26/03/2018 12:44

Simply put his earnings into the calulator for one of your dc and another calculation with both dc and give him the choice to which amount he pays.

pigeondujour · 26/03/2018 12:45

I see. What information were you looking for that you couldn't find? A private arrangement can be anything you and he want it to be.

Avasarala · 26/03/2018 12:46

Do you need the financial help to pay necessities? If you do, then go for what the CMS calculator would say. His wage fluctuates, so you need to add up what he earns in abuse then divide by 52 - that gives you his average weekly earnings. Work out the maintenance using that figure. That's how CMS do it.

Also, if you do need the money then open a case against the bio dad if your other child. Maintenance has nothing to do with rights or if his name is on the birth certificate. If he denies the child is his, they will do a DNA test. But if you need the financial help, then he should be paying.

FedUpOfThisNonsense · 26/03/2018 12:46

If you’re asking what’s reasonable - take an average of his earnings over the last 12 months and use the CMS calculator for two children taking into account the amount of nights spent with him.

Or just agree a figure between you using the CMS figure as a starting point and adjusting for your own circumstances.

And then bear in mind that he can stop paying for the stepchild at any time without warning.

Avasarala · 26/03/2018 12:47

Not in abuse... in a year!

Missed a space and predictive txt went a bit crazy

Original poster
Daffodils78 · 26/03/2018 13:02

I wish he had just offered a sum instead of asking what I think. I am indecisive at the best of times.
Like what do I want for my kids? Million pound home, lots of exotic holidays, private school, and a chauffeur, cook, cleaner etc. Oh, and a bulky Junior ISA.
What do I need for the kids? A few extra quid around Easter and Xmas wouldn't go amiss.

Meantime in the real world a bit of extra cash would be brilliant for activities and to generally ease the family budget so I can eventually get out of my agreed overdraft and some day in the distant future never have to use a credit card again

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 26/03/2018 13:13

I'd base it on his yearly earnings for last year and put it through the calculator. Give him figure for one child and two children then average it in the middle? Explain how u worked it out and ask if he agrees.

If he earns more in some months could you ask him to put aside a bit and go halves on uniforms etc.

He doesn't have to pay for non bio dc but it's nice he wants to

NFATR · 26/03/2018 13:16

everything in law seems obsessed with biological children, and no clear information on step kids/ half siblings

it's simply that people are legally obliged to maintain their own children and not other peoples. Can't see that changing any time. If you wanted your first child to be legally the same as your second, your husband could have adopted them.

AJPTaylor · 26/03/2018 13:36

its sensible to agree mutually, especially if his income varies or he is self employed. tbh the difference in the calculator between 1 or 2 is fairly marginal anyway. if you can set a figure he can stick to week in week out its worth more than trying to get a bigger sum via cms. how about 250 a month with you both to review it in a year?

Collaborate · 26/03/2018 13:37

OP - you mentioned upthread: Bio father of DC1 is irrelevant, as he has no PR, or relationship.

That's not true (in law). You go after the biological father first, and if that doesn't pay you enough, perhaps the court on divorce might award you bit more. But you can't simply say you want nothing more to do with the father so want your husband to pay. If there is a very good reason why you don't want to go to the father via CMS that may be taken in to account, but it has to be a very good reason indeed.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 26/03/2018 13:58

If the stepfather is having contact then I'd be happy with him paying travel costs to and from my home and a gift for them at Xmas:birthday.

nottwins · 26/03/2018 13:59

If a step-dad is the only father figure a child has known, then why wouldn't you apply for parental responsibility?

It means that, not only does step-dad have the recognition that he is the de facto father, officially entitled to have input into decisions etc, but also shows he's committed enough to maintain joint financial responsibility if you split up.

In OP's situation, if the ex is hoping to keep a relationship with his step-child, then logically you'd expect him to pay maintenance too. NOT a pay-per-view thing, but just that it would naturally go along with still caring for the child and wanting a relationship.

As it all sounds amicable at the moment, why not ask for a figure for both, but be explicit that you've assumed ex will want to continue treating step-child as his own, and give him the opportunity to say if not. Which would be a REALLY shitty thing to do, and I can't imagine any decent person doing this.

Original poster
Daffodils78 · 26/03/2018 14:12

He has said he views them both the same, which came from him not me. I had no expectation he would want to continue a relationship with DC1 if we split but am very happy for her sake if that is the case because in her eyes he is her Dad. He does not have PR but is her appointed guardian in my will, we have always said both kids would be raised together and we would make joint decisions, as everything with DC1 effects DC2 also, ie. they would go to the same school, follow same religion/no religion, go on the same holidays, etc. Also, that they should be raised together as a unit and have the same living/visiting arrangements.

I don't know if it will work that way in reality when it comes to us butting heads on something along the way, but I hope so.

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 26/03/2018 14:18

Ot depends how much he earns but it doesn’t seem like very much to me at all. I also think using the CM calculator is a bad idea as it’s a ridiculously low amount.

If he’s the kids dad then he should pay, but people will start telling you that since he’s not LEGALLY the dad then he shouldn’t have to but honestly I don’t agree at all. However legally he doesn’t have to, but doesn’t mean he isn’t a douchebag for not doing it if he’s raised the child as his own etc.

Original poster
Daffodils78 · 26/03/2018 14:36

I think step parents and step kids get a raw deal to be honest, legally.
I think the way it has changed with higher break up and divorce rates, there should be a place in the law for ex step parents/ ex step kids as well as current ones, if that makes sense?

Like, if the role was reversed and I had put a big chunk of time, energy and love into raising a child I wouldn't want that to end because the adult relationship had broken down, I would see that little person as a big part of my life still, so I can't imagine what my ex is going through. I think we hung onto our relationship longer than we should have done to keep the kids together, and he was very afraid of losing DC1 who he loves very much.

We couldn't "stay together for the kids" though, we both have MH issues we need to deal with, to do with trust issues and past traumas etc. and we are so much better as friends. That's probably unusual, but it seems right/just for the children to try and keep both parents in their lives and to make things as painless as possible for all involved.

OP posts:
NFATR · 26/03/2018 14:49

I think step parents and step kids get a raw deal to be honest, legally

What would you change then?
There are plenty of mechanisms for step parents to be legally recognised, you chose not to do them. So what do you suggest should be different?

pigeondujour · 26/03/2018 14:58

The law is a minimum standard of behaviour. It doesn't stop anyone having a close relationship with any child whose parents are happy with it.

Also, it seems more 'right and just' to me that actual fathers pay for their own kids. You don't seem to want DC1's bio dad in the picture, but why should that be him off the hook financially?