To be dreaming up a fantasy affair which I want to be reality?

[endofus]

So, I'm desperately lonely in my relationship, been married for 10 years and have 2 DC DD4 and DD6. Me and DH haven't shared a bed for about 4 years, can't remember the last time we had sex... 18 months ago maybe! But that's ok because I don't want it with him, I'm not attracted to him anymore and he obviously not to me. There is no affection at all... no kissing, no cuddles, not even a hand hold. We basically live as flat mates.

I have started to daydream, fantasise about other men. To be honest it isn't anyone in particular.... but currently it is my daughters swimming teacher. He's handsome and great with the kids, but I obviously know nothing about him at all. I think he is just a face for my fantasy really. But I long for someone to look at me, that look when someone loves you and lusts you and you could be the only person in the room. And I want to feel exactly the same... I want that connection with someone, that attraction. I want someone to see me and want me, want to kiss me and touch me and also just be in my company. But I also want to feel this towards someone.

I'm 34 years old and can I really live the rest of my life without that.... not I am likely to find that even if I did leave DH! I'm about 2 stone overweight, and not got the looks I had in my early twenties. Maybe my fantasies are the only way to experience this chemistry and desire.

I obviously don't want to break the home up for my DC and can't imagine doing so plus we live a comfortable life and I don't want to lose the beautiful home we have. I just for a second want to be selfish and have an affair and be desired! Can I live two lives? Can my fantasy become real?

Yes crack on.

I think you need to stop fantasising and start thinking realistically about what you want. Your current situation is clearly making you unhappy, so do you want to try to repair your relationship with your husband, or do you think you'd be happier apart?

It sounds as though your lifestyle is important to you, and understandably you are considering your children's feelings too. My feeling from your post is that repairing your marriage would at least be worth a try.

Have you talked to your husband about where your marriage is going? How does he feel about the lack of intimacy? Would he be prepared to work with you to rebuild this?

Your fantasy crushes are red herrings here, and are providing a diversion from addressing the real issues in your life - try to put them out of your mind.

To be honest I can't imagine rebuilding the relationship with DH, I just can't see how I can make myself be attracted to him.

I know it's wrong, but I want the home and stability for the children but to also have the life I want on the side... secretly!

I just can't shake this feeling but I'm shy and lack confidence so my fantasy crushes will probably just have to stay in my fantasy.

I just don't want regrets.

Why aren't you attracted to your DH anymore?

Sorry to use a hackneyed phrase, but you can't have your cake and eat it - unless your husband is prepared to agree to an 'open' relationship. If you really can't rebuild your marriage, you'll either have to make the best of a platonic relationship or endure the upheaval of separation.

If you start having affairs, the break up of your marriage will be almost inevitable and it's likely to be messier and more acrimonious and thus harder for your DC, than making the decision to separate with no third parties involved.

Keeping your fantasies as fantasies is an option, and harmless as long as they don't overtake reality in your mind - it's quite normal in long term relationships to have fantasies about other people, but you do need to recognise them for what they are and keep them firmly in their place.

Sooner or later your kids will realise they don't have a happy home because the other Mummy's and Daddy's of their friends don't have seperate bedrooms and are actually affectionate.

But by then you'll be older, why wait for the inevitable falling apart and divorce when you're only 34 and still have time to move on with your life and be happy.

I can promise you, without doubt or hesitation, that you will 100% regret staying with your husband. You are wasting your life and youth, and if you think your children are oblivious to the disaster that is your marriage, you're kidding yourself. Having an affair will only compound your misery.

I know it's wrong, but I want the home and stability for the children but to also have the life I want on the side... secretly!

But that's not possible. So which of the possible lives do you want?

Don't have an affair. That is base and disgusting. You of course have every right to want to satisfy your emotional and physical needs but you need to do thus honestly.

I had a relationship like this, granted pre kids so less complications but it went like this:

Loved him, was attracted to him, all great
We still enjoyed each others company, still liked each other (thought/hoped loved). Sex became irregular and almost chore like.
He started to annoy me, I started to annoy him, sex became irregular. Enjoyed it occasionally but no desire to do it with eachother.
Began fantasising about other people, became like flat mates.
Began resenting eachother, arguing, eventually broke up.

Not saying you’re going to follow this pattern, but can you imagine spending the next 40 years miserable? What about when you’re children leave home, and you’re alone with him but then 15 years older?

You have to split up. I mean me and my dp have been together 14 years and we cuddle in bed every night, we always hold hands when out. We always kiss each other goodbye. You must be lonely and deserve to be happy, by all means split up but do not cheat!

I know that I am wasting my life and youth with him. But to leave and ruin the lives of the kids... I just can't.

The thing is that although we live like flat mates we don't really argue and can live side by side quite reasonably and we do lots of things as a family with the children. I guess there is just minimal interaction between DH and I.

I just need a bit of something else too.

I can totally relate to you.

my marriage is now like this too although it's me that's fallen out of love with him due to his behaviour.

I don't find him attractive and he behaves like a selfish child which I can't be bothered with now I have 3 DC.

We got together too young, and i don't feel that we are compatible. I'm too scared to leave we have an ok life.

I don't sleep with him anymore as I'm not attracted to him, and his selfishness is the nail in the coffin.

We have nothing in common and I refuse to 'mother' him. I'm a similar age to you OP I'm 33. I'm not really sure what to do.

Would you want your son or daughter in a marriage like yours?
You and your husband are modelling that this is a 'normal' relationship to them. It's not. And I'm sure you would want more than that for them as adults.

Put yourself first and address this issue. Even if it's by counselling to address the issues with your husband.

No harm in fatasing and dreaming. Also they haven't taxed it, yet. Mind you give it time

I know that 15 years down the line I will probably regret not leaving. But to leave now in the hope that the 'grass is greener', it may not be... I might never meet anyone as perfect as in my fantasies then I have messed my kids up for nothing!

You said you didn't want to leave and ruin the life of your kids- but if you had an affair and he found out then you would always be the reason for the split and that would be worse would it not?
Have you tried to 'spice things up' with your husband? I think we are all guilty of trying to leave it to the other person. He might be dying to rip your clothes off but may be feeling you don't want him anymore? x

I was the same as you. MN is very anti affairs but sometimes life is not totally black and white.
Single people have single people problems...etc
Many my age are twice divorced. I stayed. Not any major regrets.

Just to pick up one a point, separation doesn't have to destroy kids or wreck their lives if you handle it well.

Nor does having two homes mean they don't have stability.

We separated 4 years ago after 15 together. We'd slipped from a marriage to a sibling relationship and we decided to call time whilst we were still young in order to enjoy "proper" relationships. It was important to us that we separated before the relationship totally broke down.

As is, ex-H and I remain close friends and I'm good friends with his wife who is a fantastic step-mum to our daughter.

DD has three parents who love her and provide her with two happy, loving, family homes.

I spend my time either at work or with the kids so I don't even have the opportunity to meet anyone.

I think I maybe need to join a gym/ go swimming or something, and work on building up my confidence first anyway. I really want to dip my toes into the affair pond at some point though to see if there is something better out there for me. I know a lot of people think that is wrong though..

Why not talk to DH? He might want the exact same thing as you. He might already be having an affair.
It may work for you as a family to stay together and both have a side life.

How on earth do you broach that conversation! And if he says he doesn't want a bit on the side, it's out there then that you do and there's no going back (to posters saying you should ask him OP).

It's a tough one and I can recognise this situation.

I wouldn't be able to bring that up with DH... he wouldn't be interested I just know.

He is older than me, he is 40 and would rather spend his time drinking beer and watching football.. no time for another woman!

The thing is endofus that if you end a marriage you want it to be in the best possible way.

There’s no need to have an affair - you either speak to your OH and see how he’s feeling and work on it or walk away.

Surely there must be one person who has done this/is doing this/thinks a stab at an affair is the right thing for me to do??