To be dreaming up a fantasy affair which I want to be reality?

[endofus]

So, I'm desperately lonely in my relationship, been married for 10 years and have 2 DC DD4 and DD6. Me and DH haven't shared a bed for about 4 years, can't remember the last time we had sex... 18 months ago maybe! But that's ok because I don't want it with him, I'm not attracted to him anymore and he obviously not to me. There is no affection at all... no kissing, no cuddles, not even a hand hold. We basically live as flat mates.

I have started to daydream, fantasise about other men. To be honest it isn't anyone in particular.... but currently it is my daughters swimming teacher. He's handsome and great with the kids, but I obviously know nothing about him at all. I think he is just a face for my fantasy really. But I long for someone to look at me, that look when someone loves you and lusts you and you could be the only person in the room. And I want to feel exactly the same... I want that connection with someone, that attraction. I want someone to see me and want me, want to kiss me and touch me and also just be in my company. But I also want to feel this towards someone.

I'm 34 years old and can I really live the rest of my life without that.... not I am likely to find that even if I did leave DH! I'm about 2 stone overweight, and not got the looks I had in my early twenties. Maybe my fantasies are the only way to experience this chemistry and desire.

I obviously don't want to break the home up for my DC and can't imagine doing so plus we live a comfortable life and I don't want to lose the beautiful home we have. I just for a second want to be selfish and have an affair and be desired! Can I live two lives? Can my fantasy become real?

No OP I don't think you will find someone who agrees. Do you still love your husband? Care about him? Is he a good man? Do you want to deal with the fall out from an affair when it all comes out (and it will)? It's not fair to treat your family like this. You can't have things both ways.

Let your know ds see you choose a chance at happiness. A great lesson for them.
You can find it with someone else, you need to give yourself a chance to. Leave your marriage cleanly, when there is no one else involved. 34 is very very young to give up on life.
Sorry this is disjointed, I’m standing in a queue, but my heart goes out to you.
Risk being happy and fulfilled.

Surely there must be one person who has done this/is doing this/thinks a stab at an affair is the right thing for me to do??

Why would it? Why do you get to potentially hurt your OH to see if the grass is greener? At least have the courage to DO something about your marriage if it’s not working.

Being with other people doesn’t have to be a deal breaker or the end of your marriage but lying to your DH means you are treating his life and his choices as irrelevant. If the sex is gone and there’s no physical affection but everything else is good then he may well agree with you. Maybe you can live as a family with an understanding that you can have other relationships too. Nothing positive can come from deceipt and disrespect

If you are living like the way you say you are you have 3 options without sneaking around

1. Talk to him to try and get your relationship back

1. Ask him if he would be interested in opening your relationship up and meeting other people while still living together.

1. Splitting up and going your separate ways.

I really think you should talk to him about it. He might want to try and sort things out or be happy to have an open relationship. Living the way you both are can't be making either of you happy

I’d confront your DH and tell him that you cannot go on like this anymore. It’s not fair for either of you. See if he wants to save the marriage and go to marriage counselling. If he says no. Then you need to make plans to leave the house ( having it all figured out first ) with your head held high. Use that time to build your self - esteem, lose weight, figure out what you want in your ideal mate. Don’t have an affair, it’s just lowering your standards and it’s tacky.

Staying together for the DC is an awful burden to place on them. Don’t think they won’t know. I have a friend who knew her parents were only together because of her and the minute she moved out they would split up. And they did.

I’m not sure why you think having an affair is the solution. You’ll spilt your family up anyway, only based on deceit and lies. How is that a good thing?

What’s your financial situation like? We are in a similar position but simply couldn’t afford to live apart. If I had an affair it would have to be with someone who was well off because my DH couldn’t afford to live alone and if we broke up my higher earnings would have to subsidise him.

The flat mate option is dull but I’m not convinced the grass is greener. We couldn’t afford for one of us to stay in this house and could maybe just afford two small flats with the proceeds. I literally have no idea how we would afford separation

All this talk of shattering the kids lives to split up with their father is a little OTT. The damage is usually only done if they see have to see their parents tearing each other to bits or bad mouthing each other or being made to chose between their parents. A split can be amicable enough for the children to absorb it without being traumatised for life .

Reading between the lines here i believe that your biggest fear regarding leaving the familiar comfy set up is for yourself.

I'd say we are comfortable financially but if we did split I don't think we'd be able to buy anything each... except small flats maybe.

I spoke to DH earlier and he is going to start sleeping in our bed again. It's a small step but better for the kids to see.

I'm still daydreaming about cheating with my perfect man though. Maybe I have a strange personality disorder, it's not normal is it?!

The problem with affairs, for me, isn't really the sex. The problem for me is that you're lying. And taking choices away from your partner. Deciding what choices your partner is allowed to make is abusive.

You've decided that your partner doesn't need to be given the choice of 'cheating when de' or 'single'. He's still on 'slightly crappy marriage' or 'single'. You still get to make your choices based on the truth but he doesn't deserve the same. And that's not OK.

I would have left my exH long before if I'd found out he was cheating. I worked because I thought he was too. Sod working if the other person has checked out!

Imagine you found out that your husband was having an affair and when you asked him why he said "well I'm bored in our marriage and I don't find you attractive anymore but I wanted to stay in my comfortable life so I thought I'd start shagging someone I do fancy on the side". Think about how that would make you feel.
If you don't want to leave then don't leave but don't have an affair. Don't treat your husband like shit that's not fair.
Also fwiw my parents stayed together for the kids for years. When they eventually did split me and my sister were just like "oh finally, thank God for that. Now both our parents can be happy and also yay two christmasses"
Some people are better parents separated than they are together.

Have you talked to him about an open marriage? He may feel exactly the same as you. It can work fine for some people.

I've felt like the OP at points. I've certainly fantasised about men I found attractive and wanted to take it further, e.g. have an affair. I still do about one particular man I am friends with. Being married doesn't stop you finding other people attractive.

In terms of actually going ahead and having an affair - lots of people do it, clearly. However on here it is unlikely that people will admit to it, I think because of the 'agreed line' that affairs are the worst thing you can do. There are people on here who have been cheated on themselves and they are understandbly vocal about how awful it was for them, which engenders a lot of sympathy.

Open marriage might work - BUT won’t work without communication. It’s the polar opposite of an affair, really, as you have to be totally open and trusting with your spouse at a deep level in order to have sex outside the relationship.

Sometimes an open marriage can re kindle your feelings for each other. As long as you are both honest it can be very satisfying

There are a couple of things to add about DH... I suspected he was cheating recently as I saw a few messages he had written to a younger female colleague. One said 'I want you', another sent on Christmas Day which was a little cat icon with a heart which said ' I miss you'. Now the colleague didn't respond to these and when I confronted him about them he said that the cat icon was sent by mistake and the 'I want you' was just how he talks to her sometimes at work- he is sort of her boss and wanted her to do something. To be honest I believe him but the whole thing does put seeds of doubt in my mind.

Maybe this contributes to my desire for an affair and why I do not feel particularly guilty about feeling this way.

Name change fail!

I confronted him about them he said that the cat icon was sent by mistake and the 'I want you' was just how he talks to her sometimes at work- he is sort of her boss and wanted her to do something.

I'm sorry crushedbiscuit that does come across as quite naive. Neither doubt like plausible explanations. Think you're right to doubt him.

I doubt him but because of the way I feel about him, I'm not really that bothered!