AIBU regarding 17yr old newly passed driver carrying my 3yr old daughter?

[missbehaving1000]

Hi All,

I'm just after some opinions please over a matter which I'm in two minds about.

I have a DD who's 3. Relations between her and I father are not good. Court order in place etc and contact is only over email.

She has two half siblings, the older of which has just passed his driving test. He turned 17 in January and within weeks he was driving.

Today, when DD was returned home, she was in half brothers car with him driving. Her half sister was in the front and her dad was in the back.

This made me feel very uncomfortable, and I'm in two minds as to whether to email the ex to discuss the matter.

AIBU to do this, as I know legally the half sibling can drive whoever he wants. Am I worrying needlessly? Or should I be asking for DDs dad to at least sit in the front next to his son so that god forbid if anything were to happen, he'd be in a better position to help? Instead of his 12yr daughter who's there at the moment.

Would appreciate your thoughts! Thanks.

I wouldn't be happy with that at all, but probably wouldn't have said anything especially since you say you're not on the best terms. Would more than likely make him do it to piss you off.
Unfortunately in the eyes of the law he is legal and safe

On a safety course I was told you should put the bigger people in the front as in a crash a large adult going forward could hurt a child/smaller person in the front. I'm not sure if that makes sense with seat belts but definitely what they said so if I have GC and another adult in the car with me it is always the adult in the front and kids in the back.

I also drove my children about 2 days after I passed. Should I not have done that?

For me it's not only about inexperience, but age. Drivers under 25 only account for about 5% of miles driven per year, but account for over 15% of accidents. I wouldn't be happy about a newly passed 17 year old driving my dc around, but when they are with their dad it's his responsibility unfortunately.

@missbehaving1000

YANBU. Hell would freeze over before I would let a 17 year old boy who has only just passed his driving test, take MY 3 year old in the car.

No.

Fucking.

WAY.

I don't care that he has been 'declared safe to drive;' he is still a fresh new driver, and will take at least a YEAR (maybe several,) to get used to driving properly. It's one thing to pass your test; it's another to become a really good confident, competent, skilled driver.

What's more, some teens are reckless dicks, and especially when they are behind the wheel. You would have to have rocks in your head to not be worried. My daughter's boyfriend passed at 21, (4 years OLDER than the lad you are on about,) and started taking her out in his car, (about 2-3 months after passing,) and I was quite worried, and rightly so!

He was driving her home one evening in June last year, and he sailed RIGHT ACROSS a crossroads, without even bloody noticing it was there. It was a GODSEND that nothing was crossing. However, there was a 40 ton truck approaching, so if he had whizzed across 5 seconds later, they would both be dead now. And he wasn't even speeding or fucking about, it was just a lack of observation.

So yeah, no WAY would I have my 3 year old in a car with a 17 year old boy who has just passed his test. Statistically he is waaaay more likely to have a crash than many other people.

Don't allow it. Take no notice of the posters saying 'I passed and was driving MY kids around within 5 minutes blah blah blah.' Good for them YOU are not happy with this teen lad driving your daughter about so soon after passing his test, and that is all that matters. Fuck what anyone else thinks or says. If YOU are unhappy, do NOT allow it,

What's more, the people claiming they drove their kids around within 5 minutes of passing their test CHOSE to do this. Someone else didn't let a 17 year old drive their little toddler around AGAINST their wishes..

I am also willing to bet a year's salary that they would not have liked it either. Anyone who says they would be OK with it is a liar.

At the time of the journey the child was under the parental care of the father so it was his decision.
At the age of 18 I was driving an armoured car weighing 18 ton on public roads.

I can see why you're concerned but I'd assume your ex loves your DD very much and wouldn't endanger her. He's also trusting his son with his own life so unless he has appalling judgement, I'd think he considers his DS to be a safe driver.
Teens tend to be reckless and have accidents when they are with their peers not when they are driving their family.

I wouldn’t be happy either OP.

What kimanda said.
I say this as a parent of two adult sons. In both of their peer groups there were some very bad drivers, some near misses and several accidents. One fatal. In hindsight they both agree they really started to drive much better after six months solo driving.
Don't let your child be at risk for fear of a difficult conversation.

DD passed her test last September but hasn't started to drive until November when she was still 17. Within a week, she was at her dad and driving her 5yo sister to the shops alone. I have to say I was quite surprised that her dad/SM were happy with it but they clearly were as they were the one asking DD to take her.

DD said that she did feel a bit more anxious having her in the car but everything was fine. It was a 10 minutes drive.

I certainly would have not let DD in a car at that age with a 17yo, however mature, but I have to recognise that DD is a good driver, certainly better than some people I know who have been driving for much longer!

YANBU
There's a reason the insurance is so high

The problem is @kimanda she has no option whether or not to allow it.

The child's father has made the decision on his parenting time. So it's out of OPs hands. There is no point her worrying when she has absolutely no say in the situation.

Were the children in proper child seats?

If you're uncomfortable with it, don't just stay quiet and hope for the best - this is your child's safety you're talking about! You can find a way to say it diplomatically I'm sure.

I passed my test at 21 and drove with my then 2 year old son in the back the same day - however I was learning/ practising for nearly a year before I took my test and was a careful and confident driver by the time I did.

My friend has just passed, she is 30 and IMO and the opinion of her partner, she rushed into doing her test. To our surprise she passed but in the space of an hour in the car with her one day last week, she came very close to causing two accidents as a result of not having enough experience and control, she has also relayed two similar incidents to me that happened when I wasn't in the car. No way would I let her drive my daughter around - especially on a dual carriageway.

Stick to your guns.

My ds1 passed his driving test four weeks after he turned 17.Dh and I taught him to drive rather than an instructor and within a couple of weeks he was driving our other 2 dc unescorted.
Your exh was with him and must have felt that it was safe or may well have not allowed it to happen.
Yabu

You can't book your theory test until you have a provisional licence, and you can't get a provisional licence until you are 17. The date for the theory is usually a few weeks wait. You can't book your practical test until after you have passed your theory and have had lessons. The average wait time for a practical test date is 10 weeks.

So to be driving in March when your 17th birthday is in January is highly unusual if not impossible in many places.

I would definitely speak to your ex about it

Why can't 17 year old newly qualified drivers be Taxi Drivers, or train to drive a bus?

Buster72, no-one in the armored vehicle, is in danger, if it hits someone else, .

The most dangerous things about 17 years old young Men is their Ego and them thinking that they are immortal/it won't happen to them. 17 year old, are rarely put in positions of sole responsibility, for good reason. They don't make good judgments and act rashly.

OP, your concerns are valid. All you can do is say that she isn't to be driven by him, alone.

To all those saying they’ve passed their test and are therefore safe.

No.

Passing a test means you can drive adequately for 40 minutes. It is no guarantee that you will choose to drive adequately. Every time you drive.

I passed when I was 32 years old and I did drive with my children the day I passed. Looking back, I was deemed safe, but I did make quite a few mistakes for a while. Most people do.

I wouldn't want a just passed 17 year old to drive my non-existent toddler until they had more experience of actually driving without an instructor with them.

There is a reason why young drivers have more accidents.

You can't book your theory test until you have a provisional licence, and you can't get a provisional licence until you are 17. The date for the theory is usually a few weeks wait. You can't book your practical test until after you have passed your theory and have had lessons. The average wait time for a practical test date is 10 weeks.

You can apply for your provisional licence two months before your 17th birthday.
Ds1 theory was booked for four days after his birthday. He passed first time.
Dh and I had him driving on his 17th birthday, you can apply for a driving test date very quickly after you have passed the theory.
As ds1 was using our car and being taught by dh and I rather than paying for an instructor it meant he was able to check the website every day and book a late cancellation slot, something he couldn't do with an instructor as their car wouldn't necessarily have been available. I think he drove for approximately 60 hours before he sat the test.
It is perfectly possible to pass a few weeks after your 17th birthday.

Littledrummergirl

I don't think your situation is the norm though. And yes you can apply for provisional licence earlier but it's not valid until the day you are 17.

Worst drivers I see are distracted middle-aged mums with kids in the back tbh.

This armoured vehicle came with seatbelts. To protect the occupants. Because coming to a sudden stop can cause injury. Point being I passed a test and the relevant authority felt I was capable...

I passed my test at 21 and drove with my then 2 year old son in the back the same day - however I was learning/ practising for nearly a year before I took my test and was a careful and confident driver by the time I did.
To be fair, you could argue that if it took so long, maybe it didn't come to you as easily as someone else. My DD had many fewer lessons than average and her instructor, who has been doing the job for over 25 years said that he couldn't remember last time he had someone as comfortable at the wheel. On her 2nd lesson, she was doing roundabouts. She passed first time with only 1 minor.

Personally, I would prefer to be in a car with her than someone whose been learning to drive for a long time and say failed 3 times.

The point here is that even if the 17yo is an excellent driver, OP doesn't know it. It's hard enough to let anyone drive your child, let alone someone new to driving. I think the dad should have least have sat next to him.