To ask you to help me draft a letter to exh.

[Daydreamdelay]

OK I posted in legal the other day and got some confirmation about matters but I'm stuck as to what to do next.

I left exh around 12 years ago.
Children are 15,17 and 21.
Lots of emotional abuse and smashing of door and windows,lots of gas lighting, he went to hit me and I left.
He has definitely been abusive to partners since and physically so this has escalated.

He has not seen any of our children in at least ten years by his own choice. None of them remember him. One of the children reported him damaging the house to a teacher and action was only not taken as I wasn't with him.

He has severe mental health issues. He has ability to ring and message them but uses this to message me instead and rarely contacts them at all.

The problem is he is constantly asking for our address. He doesn't want to see the kids still. He just wants it to have it and to give his brothers and aunt who none of the kids have ever met.
Obviously this only relates to the youngest due to age.
I just left and didn't ring the police at the time but have got proof of his abuse since to others.

None of the children have any interest in seeing him. They have never had any maintenance or anything else from him even when he did know where we lived.
There are no court orders in place.

With advice from both Mumsnet legal section and Coram I learnt I don't have to give him our address and he would have to go to court for it after applying for contact for the youngest who is 15 and has no interest.

He doesn't think he has ever done anything wrong and doesn't see why kids who haven't seen him for ten years and been let down by wouldn't want to see him.

The solicitor suggested just to ignore his messages but he is getting increasingly angry and I'm worried he knows where my brother and sister live or will get desperate.

Don’t interact with him, he will see contact as encouragement to carry on any type of stalking behaviour. If he goes round to your siblings homes, telll them to call the police he has no need to go round there except to control you. Coercive control is against the law.

At 15, it may be more emotional and financially cost effectively to hold fire for another year to keep the status quo and avoid re opening this can of worms that can ultimately affect the children.

I would not just ignore him though. Go to the police and report the situation and ask for advice. They can put you in touch with the person who can help you (like charities who help people get injunction orders against nasty ex partners, and if you see things are escalating, it would help to start a record.

A

''The solicitor suggested just to ignore his messages but he is getting increasingly angry and I'm worried he knows where my brother and sister live or will get desperate.''

Don't write to him whatever you do. Go to the police and tell them what you wrote here.

Why on earth would you want to write to him? Just ignore him and block him so he can’t send you anymore messages.

Why are you engaging? Just block him. He doesn’t see your kids, there is no benefit to him seeing them. Should he decide to actually take it to court (highly doubtful, he’d of done it way before now) your children are old enough to put their own view point across. I’m assuming they want nothing to do with him either?

Just ignore him. Don’t give him the time of day.

I also think that you shouldn't interact with him. I you are concerned that he is angry I would go to the police for advice.

Do not engage with him at all
Do not write to him
Do not respond to him

Why have a solicitor if you want to ignore the advice they give?

Think for a moment. Do you genuinely believe that writing to him will result in him calming down and leaving you and your family alone? Or will it result in him knowing that there's a level of angry behaviour that works with you?

If you feel desperate and believe he might harm your family then contact the police and ask to speak to their DV unit.

April, I don't have a solicitor I just rang an advice line.
I want to block and ignore I honestly do but I'm a bit scared of him turning up at places.

He thinks he knows the youngests school (he doesn't) but if he starts ringing round places or posting on social media he would probably find us.

:(

Police and warn your siblings so that if he goes near them they call the police.
A letter isn't going to do anything other than inflame the situation.

He thinks he knows the youngests school (he doesn't) but if he starts ringing round places or posting on social media he would probably find us.

That's all the more reason not to engage and to speak to the police. I presume that the school knows about the situation but if not speak to them so that they know not to give anything away should he phone.

Writing to him will be like a red flag to a bull.

Are mental health services involved? Perhaps he is having a relapse?

OP, I don't have any advice but wanted to suggest a book to you which I read a few years back and recall talked specifically about how different types of engagement with stalkers/people obsessed and vengeful could escalate or reduce matters. I know this is not quite the same but thought maybe you might want to take a look...

www.amazon.co.uk/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0747538352/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+gift+of+fear&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1521976502&sr=8-1

Do not engage with him at all
Do not write to him
Do not respond to him

Honestly, he’s abusing you. Trying to get a reaction, trying to make you scared. Just block him, speak to the police so they are aware and speak to the school so your child is protected. The more you engage, the more you will feed his obsession as he’s getting a reaction.

As others have posted here, a letter will do no good and more likely, will inflame the situation. Inform the police so they are aware of the potential for harassment and will act more quickly if contacted.
Talk to the school reminding them of the situation.
Warn anyone likely to be contacted that they should not engage with him, no matter how plausible he might sound.
Good luck

paladinservice.co.uk

He’s engaging in obsessive behaviour that is making you worry for your safety. You have a right to not live your life in fear. It doesn’t matter if it’s 12 minutes after a relationship or 12 years, his behaviour is not right. If you haven’t already please checkout Paladin, it might be of some use.

I really hope that in the near future there is a register for people like your Ex. It’s so awful that victims have to change their behaviour to protect themselves , yet the abusers get to live their lives continuing to terrorise women.

Please tell your youngest child's school that your child wants no contact and that they under no circumstances to disclose whether or not your child is a student at the school. It's not unusual for schools to receive these requests and there is no need to give lots of details.

I would also use this experience to remind all your children to check their privacy settings and profiles on social media, just to stay safe.

The only reason to write to him would be that somehow you're courting some sort of drama. Are you?

You have had legal advice not to contact him.

You can go to the police for advice if he contacts you.

You can go to the school to ensure he doesn't contact your son.

Your siblings are adults that can simply decline to speak to him.

Your children absolutely will not think a you for the fucktonne of unnecessary aggravation that will ensue the minute you put pen to paper.

God no I don't want any drama.
I've spent the last few weeks not sleeping and wanting to run away from here!

I agree with others. Don’t write to him. He’s not interested in a sensible negotiation.

He's under a psychiatrist or at least he was.
He's extremely manipulative though and a real butter wouldn't melt character who everyone in life thinks is sunshine itself.

Even his previous girlfriends have said they didn't understand how I was so awful to him (?!) but they now they understood.