Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to help me draft a letter to exh.

51 replies

Daydreamdelay · 25/03/2018 11:37

OK I posted in legal the other day and got some confirmation about matters but I'm stuck as to what to do next.

I left exh around 12 years ago.
Children are 15,17 and 21.
Lots of emotional abuse and smashing of door and windows,lots of gas lighting, he went to hit me and I left.
He has definitely been abusive to partners since and physically so this has escalated.

He has not seen any of our children in at least ten years by his own choice. None of them remember him. One of the children reported him damaging the house to a teacher and action was only not taken as I wasn't with him.

He has severe mental health issues. He has ability to ring and message them but uses this to message me instead and rarely contacts them at all.

The problem is he is constantly asking for our address. He doesn't want to see the kids still. He just wants it to have it and to give his brothers and aunt who none of the kids have ever met.
Obviously this only relates to the youngest due to age.
I just left and didn't ring the police at the time but have got proof of his abuse since to others.

None of the children have any interest in seeing him. They have never had any maintenance or anything else from him even when he did know where we lived.
There are no court orders in place.

With advice from both Mumsnet legal section and Coram I learnt I don't have to give him our address and he would have to go to court for it after applying for contact for the youngest who is 15 and has no interest.

He doesn't think he has ever done anything wrong and doesn't see why kids who haven't seen him for ten years and been let down by wouldn't want to see him.

The solicitor suggested just to ignore his messages but he is getting increasingly angry and I'm worried he knows where my brother and sister live or will get desperate.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 25/03/2018 12:34

Block and completely ignore. You have no reason to be in touch with him at all. Ring the Police to give them the heads up that he has serious mental health problems and appears to be getting desperate, and his CPN ( if hes known to them ) or the MHS need to know about his behaviour. Inform your siblings to ring the police if he turns up where they live. Make sure the school know and safeguard your child. Coral voice may be worth ringing for advice on what your child can do to keep him away.

bringbacksideburns · 25/03/2018 12:35

Coram voice sorry

BitOutOfPractice · 25/03/2018 12:40

Don't write to him. He wants interaction with you (not your address really) as a means of still having control over you. Don't give him what he wants

Original poster
Daydreamdelay · 25/03/2018 12:42

Is Coram voice the Children's legal/law service?
I have spoken to them and they said carry on as normal and don't give him the address but wait for him to take you to court for access and to get your address as dc will only have a year of having to have access with him until they are sixteen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daydreamdelay · 25/03/2018 12:45

He's only asked for it to give to his relatives or so he can feel 'connected to them' even though he had Skype, free phone and all kinds.

OP posts:
GruffaIo · 25/03/2018 12:56

YABU to write him a letter. Do not do it.

  1. Follow the legal advice you received from Coram. Ignore any further communication unless / until you receive formal communication from a court regarding contact.
  2. Report his previous behaviour to the police, and make sure it's on file for your address so that they respond more promptly if there's a DV call.
  3. Tell your DC's school that you and your DCs are at risk from your exH, who you have reported to the police, and tell them they are not to reveal any information regarding your DC, or to post anything identifying about your DC anywhere online, in a newsletter, etc.
myidentitymycrisis · 25/03/2018 13:06

ignore, ignore, ignore.
I know it is horrible and he is scaring you - I went through this myself.
You know the only reason fo you to have contact with him would be to benefit your dc, and you also know contact with him would be detrimental to their well-being.
He is intimidating you, and trying to get you to capitulate because of your perceived threat to your siblings. He hasn't actually said he will go to them, but he is using the legacy of his past actions to make you worry he might.
Sorry you are still having to deal with this but you have to be brave and stand up to this bullying by calling his bluff.
he is desperate and ill and begging for attention but you cannot give it to him.

Maria1982 · 25/03/2018 13:08

Don’t write to him! I think you know deep down that it won’t help, it will just give him a reaction. As others have said

  1. tell police
  2. tell the school so they are aware
  3. warn your siblings

Also you mention social media. It’s probably worth 1)checking your settings to make sure ransoms can’t view (if this is possible) or b) just sharing less on social media.

Be strong. You were strong 12 years ago, you can do this.

KTheGrey · 25/03/2018 13:45

Agree with Steeley and Cindie. This is a form of stalking - he can go through legal channels if he really wants your address, although I doubt if he would get it. I understand why you want to write to him, but it's never worked before and it won't now. Report his harassment to the police. See if there is anything they can do to get him to back off. Ring the solicitor helpline again and ask if you can get any kind of court order to prevent him contacting you. Make sure schools are aware and your siblings know to contact the police if he tries to contact them. Block him on everything and check privacy settings. Then a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. You will start feeling better as soon as his messages aren't reaching you. 💐

bringbacksideburns · 25/03/2018 16:29

Go with what Coram voice say then. Doubt it will get that far but if it does he's a stranger to your child anyway and will be 16 soon. Old enough to make their own mind up.

You really need to block so he can't contact you in any way.

Original poster
Daydreamdelay · 25/03/2018 16:34

Thanks all.
What would I say to the police?
I can't prove any of what he did 12 years ago and I wouldn't want to raise charges against him and get involved.

I can prove he has been violent to new partners still.

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 25/03/2018 17:09

Show them whatever he has sent and also that he has been under psychiatric care.

They would like to hear about what is harming nowadays, no point in delving in what he did in the past (you can
mention what he did in the past to give context but focus on the present threat)

NWQM · 25/03/2018 17:20

What are you hoping to say in the letter? Before anyone jumps on me I don’t think you should send anything but it might help to start getting it down here. He is behaviour is very worrying - have you looked at www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

KTheGrey · 25/03/2018 17:25

Make a list of all the times he has contacted you. If it is more than twice about the same subject, then that suggests a pattern of behaviour. This means you can prove to the police that he is harassing you. Tell them that he was abusive during your relationship and that you find any attempt at contact intimidating and distressing - as anybody would from an abusive ex. If you have to make a formal complaint, do that. It means that there's a record.

Original poster
Daydreamdelay · 25/03/2018 17:58

NWQM
I don't even know. It was a stupid idea. I'm just so sick of it.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He thinks he is the victim and he's too hurt to see the kids but doesn't give a shit about how he has made them feel.

He fully thinks all three kids would run open arms to him and scream Daddy.
He doesn't realise how much they all resent him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daydreamdelay · 25/03/2018 17:59

Thank you will look at that info.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 25/03/2018 18:01

The problem is he is constantly asking for our address.

Daydream - how is he asking?

Text, email? Because you split up years ago, he pays no maintenance and he doesn't see the kids - so you have zero reason to be in contact and he hasn't got an address so there is no need to even read his requests.

Original poster
Daydreamdelay · 25/03/2018 18:13

He's asking on the kids contact email he has for them.

He asks about twice a year in a 'shouty' well are you going to give me your address so I can give it to x, y, z or what kind of way.
Usually the older teens just ignore.

In the last week I have had four messages from him though on that email addressed to me.

I don't know where you live?
I don't know where you live? (again)

Then a long drawn out tell me where you live because I deserve to know and you are disrespecting me type message.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 25/03/2018 18:23

But there is no contact so you could just stop reading that email, in fact delete it from your email inbox and forget about it. Let him shout into the ether.

GinandGingerBeer · 25/03/2018 18:33

I don’t understand. Why are you thinking about writing to him?
He’s not interested in seeing his kids
His kids aren’t interested in seeing him.
There’s no financial support.
Just block him.
Block his number
Close your email account and the kids ones and open a new one.
He’s doesn’t know where you are so stop replying to him.

Starlight2345 · 25/03/2018 21:35

You cannot reason with the unreasonable. At 15 even if he wanted to see him . No one would make a 15 year old. When my ex applied to court I had permission for my address to be confidential.
I am in agreement put plans in place to get him out your life. Inform police . Block him , same for email account close it down . Your kids have no reason to hear from him . It will be closure for them too.
You have to block else you will never be free

ToesInWater · 26/03/2018 02:07

You are dealing with an abusive man with mental health issues, bad combo. Follow your legal advice and do not contact him. Keep any evidence you get from him of threatening behaviour (e-mails, texts etc.) in case you need evidence later. I don't know what Apprehended Violence Orders are called in the UK (Restraining Orders?) but in Australia police generally take them out on behalf of the person who needs protection, thus removing any "responsibility" from the victim. Ask the police if this is an option for you but in any case I would talk to them so there is a record of your concerns in case things escalate and he turns up somewhere. Look after yourself!

BitOutOfPractice · 26/03/2018 07:56

Set up a rule on that email address to automatically delete them. It's easy to do, after a quick google.

It does kind stressful op and I feel for you. But don't feed him the attention he wants. He won't care if it's negative attention, he just wants your attention.

Original poster
Daydreamdelay · 26/03/2018 16:01

Thanks all.
I will be glad when the youngest is 16.
Ex thinks I'm evil and he's done nothing wrong and tells his girlfriends loads of shit about me being a wicked witch when he in reality he is awful. Unfortunately they learn the hard way when he starts with them :(

I hate that abusers can continue to create this trail of destruction even after you leave. My friend is in a similar situation but as hers are little her ex is using the courts to continue abuse and control Angry

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 26/03/2018 18:10

I hate that abusers can continue to create this trail of destruction even after you leave.

You are in a situation where you can block out this trail of destruction. Delete the email account. Nobody will then get emails that upset them. You should have done that years ago.

Swipe left for the next trending thread