AIBU to not feel the same about friend?

[Tigermoth15]

Ten years ago I met my friend when she became my next door neighbour. We have supported each other through many things and whilst she is a lovely person and I think means well there have been several incidents that have made me think twice about her. I have cut slack because she has an alcoholic mother who is a nightmare but the truth is she can't keep jobs and has been sacked from the last 4 she has held, she hasn't really got any friends apart from me and one other person she met at work and doesn't appear to be able to keep friendships. She has cut her sister off dead for years now. She has always earned much more than me but is overly extravagant with birthday/Christmas gifts and it has made me feel uncomfortable as they are given with a sense that it must be reciprocated. I repeatedly asked her to tone it down and put a limit of gift spending which she ignored.
Everything has to be the way she wants it and whilst she can be v thoughtful there is always a sense of 'you will have what I want you to have' rather than what I would actually like.

Last year I was going through a difficult situation at work that ended up going to an employment tribunal. I had run through all my sick pay and was living on literally a few pounds each week. She had taken me out for my birthday and bought gifts and the following month was her birthday. I explained to her that I was expecting a settlement agreement and that when the money came through I could buy her a gift then but was sorry that until then, I was a bit stuck. She said fine and said she wanted a bottle of perfume that cost £120 fo her birthday. She then made reservations at a really expensive restaurant in town for herself, me and this other friend (think over £100 per head w/o booze) and I explained to her days before that I would be unable to attend. She said she would pay but I didn't want to be treated like a charity case or be placed under yet more obligation to reciprocate. She ignored this and on the day of her birthday (I sent her a card and used some savings to buy the perfume and other gifts to post to her) she tried to force the restaurant issue again and laid it on thick. I stood my ground and said sorry I can't make it and I told you this days ago and she then cut me dead.

I sent messages asking how she was, wishing her Happy Christmas, Happy New Year etc and got nothing in return and then last week, she wanted to meet for dinner so I agreed to meet up. Dinner was civil and friendly enough and I found out she had lost another job (she works as a personal assistant for very wealthy people) etc. I made a point of paying for dinner as she had paid for my birthday dinner. She also bought Christmas presents along of kitchen items (storage containers and teatowels) which threw me a bit.

At the end of the evening, as I walked her to the station, she told me the reason we had 'lost touch' as she euphemistically called it (no, you cut me off!) was that she had been upset that I didn't attend her birthday dinner. I explained about the money aspect and that I didn't want to be placed under obligation or in a difficult position because I couldn't reciprocate. She said that her paying for things in the past hadn't been a problem (that really annoyed me!) and I had to remind her that we always had taken turns to pay for dinner etc and I had always paid her back for any money she spent on me so it wasn't fair to say she always paid and it just struck me that the reason she had cut me dead all this time was because she was sulking. She wasn't alone on her birthday as her other friend turned up but she said she only knew the other woman was going at the last minute and she could have been alone on her birthday and that I should have gone in case the other woman was a no show.

TBH, that left me feeling really cold. If she had said to me that she had been having problems with her mum or was depressed because of what was happening at work or similar, then I think I could have accepted that but to realise that it was just because of a huge sulk over a dinner that I had told her I could not attend with plenty of notice and she had tried to railroad/guilt trip me into going without listening to what I was saying to her about money etc at the time it just left me feeling cold. She has texted a few times and I answered back in a very desultory way but it isn't the same.

I feel bad because I have friends and I tend to keep friendships and nobody I know behaves like that and it has come as a shock to me to realise how much I have changed in regard to this friendship being cut off. I don't know whether to give it another chance or let it go. I don't hate her or anything but I don't feel the same and I wouldn't have behaved like that. Am I being harsh?

No you are not being harsh. She lost any sympathy from me when you wrote she demanded the £120 bottle of perfum for her birthday and my jaw fell to the floor when I then found out you actually bought it. She is a CF and I am afraid to say you have been mistaking friendship for being a door mat

I think it's best to let the friendship go, you are right and have explained your reasons a couple of times. She's not listening to you, stop texting her.

I would let the friendship go.

Do we know the same person??? You’ve just described a woman I used to be friends with to a tee!
I cut her off in the end, no argument or dramas I just stopped answering her calls and texts then blocked her.
The older I get the less tolerant I am of people I find draining. If a friendship is a lot of hassle, making you anxious or feel bad about yourself in any way then you don’t need them.

She’s not a friend op. Let her go.

All fur coat and no knickers as the saying goes.

She sounds massively insecure and wants to imitate the lifestyle of her clients. Not surprised she keeps getting fired because she’s actually a pain in the arse.

Don’t feel bad. Friends are supposed to make you happy not cross and guilty. Stop responding or get very busy.

Let this friendship go, you do not need or want someone like that in your life. The fact you bought her the perfume shows that she does not have a good effect on you, she was selfish and grabby to mention it but you should have been able to be more confident in your decision to wait until your settlement. I suspect she is only back in touch now because she has nobody else.

IF you do decide to keep it casual please make sure you stop gifts and go halves on any meals out, tell her in advance this is what you are doing and she can like it or lump it

I would let it go. And not feel guilty about her. The reason she doesn’t have a large social circle is down to her. This is not your responsibility.

Friends come and go in our lives all the time. You are clearly a loyal friend, but loyalty is not a right. This is an unequal relationship and you have tried to rebalance things without success. Time to drop this friendship and spend your precious time, love and energy on people who really care about you as much as you do them.

She sounds like too much hard work and insensitive, too. Move on.

She's an absolute dick, that's why she doesn't have any other friends. Who the fuck tells someone to spend £120 on them when they know that person is having money issues?

She is not a nice person, demanding that perfume, knowing full well of your financial situation, and demanding you go to her expensive birthday meal, and cutting you dead because you told her that you could not make it because of your financial situation. I would not have not met up with her, after she blanked me. Time to let this 'friendship' go.

mmm, I think the issue could have resulted from the fact that you only told her a few days before her birthday that you wouldn't join her. Why didn't you tell her as soon as she mentioned it?

I imagine that she excitedly booked the evening, then maybe the other friend said she couldn't come but thought you still were until only a couple of days before you tell her you can't. She tells you that she is happy to pay for you, and probably meant it, but still you are refusing and she thought she might end up on her own, maybe it was too late to cancel the booking. Sounds like her other friend went as she felt sorry for her. There could be even more to it. If it happened as such, then yes, I could see why she might have decided you'd let her down unfairly.

It's clear she has trouble maintaining relationships even with her own family. I doubt you could do anything that would not upset her somehow. You've done nothing wrong.

I think you've both perpetuated the odd dynamics of this friendship tbh. Good friends don't tend to be so uptight about taking it in turns to pay when one is having financial difficulties. Maybe she got the wrong impression from this. She was cheeky to ask for such an expensive birthday present, but after telling her you couldn't afford it and she would have to wait, why did you use savings to buy it and other gifts for her? You could have gone to the birthday meal with that money, she may have appreciated the company more, esp as she had said she'd pay?
I really think the actions you describe are sending out mixed messages a bit. She shouldn't have sulked about it though.

Life is just too short for friendships like this. A real friend would either have adjusted the evening to something which would have made you feel more comfortable or would have gladly and gracefully accepted that she had to pay for you without any expectation of being repaid.

I would just let it go and chalk it up to experience. You have done nothing wrong and she sounds self-centred and grabby with very little empathy.

She sounds like hard work and seems to like controlling people with money (buy me this expensive gift, I’ll pay if you do this etc)

I think you have to weigh up how much a) joy she brings to your life b) anxiety she causes you, if it’s more b than a then I think you need to call time.

Also friends don’t request expensive birthday gifts, and they should understand if someone can’t afford to do something, so she sounds like a bad mate.

She was out of order to demand such an expensive gift and to blank you, but...why did you let her go on with the birthday meal booking and just to cancel on her with only a few days to go? Why didn't you stick to your guns wrt the perfume, but instead went ahead to buy it and other gifts on top?

As a PP has pointed out, I think there have been some mixed messages at play here.

That's why I strive to maintain a perfectly courteous but distant relationship with my neighbours

She’s a nightmare.... walk away?!

Thank you so much everyone for your responses - they have made me feel incredibly relieved because cutting a friendship is not something that I would do lightly and I don't like hurting people unnecessarily.

Just to clarify - she actually went ahead and made the restaurant booking without consulting me and just assumed I would turn up. I did not ask her to make any bookings and if she had consulted me in the first place then I would have discouraged her from booking such an expensive place. I also told her that I would be unable to attend as soon as she mentioned it. She then raised the issue again and really piled a lot of guilt on to try to make me attend and again, I told her that I had already told her I wouldn't be able to make it and that hadn't changed. Basically, she was trying to force the issue.

The gifts - With hindsight, I absolutely agree with what people have said about that I should have stuck to my guns. The problem is that she had already spent well over £100 on gifts the month before on my birthday (despite me asking her to spend no more than £20 and not asking for any of the items that she bought for me.). As silly as it may sound, this made me feel obliged to return the favour as I felt it would be held against me if I did not buy to the same value and also that somehow I was being 'mean' if I did not. Because she had spent so much, it made me feel 'indebted' and I could not rest until I had cleared the balance so to speak because that could not be held against me.

I do not have this relationship with any of my other friends who are all lovely, thoughtful people and who would never dream of putting me in such a position and things are 'easy come, easy go' with my other friends. We casually pay for each other at coffee/lunch/dinner etc but that is because we don't bankrupt each other and we know that although it all evens out in the end, there is no sense of feeling obligated.

The friend I am speaking of is the sort of person who can't just order a starter, main course but has to order half the menu and then will want to go to expensive gelati places afterwards. She actually told me that for her birthday she wanted me to buy the perfume and a couple of other items, then pay for a movie and ice cream in the West End, then buy her dinner and then travel to the other side of London to a new cafe to buy dessert for her (which would then take me over an hour to get home). I explained my situation to her and then it all went quiet until she made the booking at the expensive restaurant without asking/consulting.

I guess I just didn't want to upset her feelings before but I did think that because she knew what was going on with work and my financial situation and because I had told her that it would have sunk in. I don't know, perhaps she was expecting me to get into debt to do it as she herself has run up quite a lot of debt this last year being out of work and unable to hold jobs down.

I can't explain it but it has always been done in such a way that she makes me feel obligated to spend just as much. In other words, she gives to receive and yet it seems I am the only person she does this with.

She certainly doesn't ask family members to spend that sort of money and I doubt she asks the other lady who has one small child and has just had another baby (Cue another story where she was the birth partner for this lady (whose partner had dumped her) but then posted pictures and messages on FB that would make one think that it was SHE who had just given birth! She announced the birth on FB before the mum did!) so I wonder why she thinks it is OK to do it to me?

PinotMwah I agree, I would have done that

Sakurasnail I guess I felt guilty and as though I was being mean if I didn't return the favour to the same value. You know how some people have a knack of silently letting you know they are disappointed or you have fallen short of the mark? In retrospect, it has been a good lesson but I genuinely did try to communicate that I wanted a modest gift of no more than £20 - it was ignored.

swingofthings I actually did tell her the first moment she brought it up. She ignored me. I actually stuck to my guns on it and explained again why I wouldn't be going when she tried to force my hand just before the event. She ignored it and sulked

She sounds like hard work and the sort of person who wants you to jump through hoops to prove to them you are their friend , I have no qualms in binning off people like that . Life is too short for demanding possessive friends .

I don't think her reasons really matter, I wouldn't even bother to try and work out her motives.

She's making you unhappy and it's not how you treat friends.

Walk away

Is it Liz Jones? She always totals up her 'generosity' when people become exasperated with her.

It sounds as if you have lasted longer than most. Its not an equal friendship is it? She is not considerate of you and does not listen. Fade away without conscience. Birthday cards, Christmas cards and the odd like on Facebook is all this friendship needs. You gave it a good try OP. She is not going to change and it will drain you.