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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be holding a grudge with DH?

37 replies

Grudgeholder · 25/03/2018 08:06

On Friday we had an appointment with a breeder to go and see a kitten. The appointment had been made for a week and DH was well aware of it and the distance it would take for us to get there and back.
To cut a long story short DH cancelled the appointment 5 minutes before we were due to set off as he wanted to go out to the pub with his mate instead. In the process of doing this he hung up on me several times, tried to belittle me that I didn’t feel able to drive there alone without any directions and generally just made me feel like I was totally unreasonable for being upset about his actions.

I did get quite het up about it but mostly due to the hanging up and last minute change of plans. I struggle to process changes to plans and need a minute to get my head around it.

Anyway he went off believing he was fine to act the way he did. I was at work yesterday but today I still feel annoyed at him. I know it’s silly and I hate to hang on to a grudge but it’s just the way he’s doesn’t feel like he should apologise that’s bugging me. The cancellation was annoying but I could get over that, I just don’t see why he’s refusing to apologise! He never admits when he’s in the wrong and it grates.

Aibu? Do I need to get over myself?

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 25/03/2018 08:09

I wouldn't call that holding a grudge. I'd call that being quite understandably upset at his crappy behaviour.

Does he do this sort of thing a lot?

RiceBaby · 25/03/2018 08:09

It sounds like he treated you poorly, not acting as part of a team and making you feel small.

A separate issue is you not being able to do the drive yourself. It sounds like you are infantalising yourself, which would be pretty annoying to your partner.

Albertschair · 25/03/2018 08:10

I'm not sure why you didn't go on your own. You imply you can drive.

Sat nav the postcode and off you go.

DietCokeGirrrrrl · 25/03/2018 08:12

@Albertschair lots of people aren't comfortable with long drives on unknown roads on their own - it's not at all unusual and not really the point of this thread.

OP your partner behaved really badly - selfish and unkind. You're understandably upset. I think you need to keep making it clear that you think he behaved badly and that he upset you (especially if he has form for this kind of thing)

Original poster
Grudgeholder · 25/03/2018 08:13

I can drive myself but the breeder lives in an area I’ve never been to before quite a while from us. I’ve no sat nav and 5 minutes to have a quick look at directions before I’d have to set off to make it on time. I just didn’t feel comfortable driving in the dark with no directions.

He’s usually a good partner but sometimes gets this side to him out. If he feels he’s right then that’s it, he’s right.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 25/03/2018 08:14

From what you have described, I would suggest the the person you should be holding a grudge with would be yourself. Why are you depending on someone who would change plans to inconvenience you so much, with such little consideration? He does it because you have given him the power to do so.

I would focus on some independence, so that you don't have to put with this nonsense. Then reevaluation your position. All the best.

Original poster
Grudgeholder · 25/03/2018 08:15

I guess my worry is that I don’t know how long it could go on for. He will never apologise, especially the longer it goes on for. I feel like I’m left with the choice of sucking it up and moving on, or carrying on the resentment and never really getting anywhere.

OP posts:
Awrite · 25/03/2018 08:17

Your dh was horrible. No wonder you are angry - you have every right to be.

I wouldn't want an apology unless it came with change - ie, that he didn't treat you as if you didn't matter. Apologies mean jack shit unless they are meant.

nogrip · 25/03/2018 08:17

You should have used the sat nav on your phone

PlateOfBiscuits · 25/03/2018 08:19

There are too issues here:

  1. Your partner left it too late to tell you he didn’t want to go. Which is fine to be upset about. If he didn’t want to go he should have told you in more time.

  2. You feel you can’t drive to the appointment. You can use your phone as a sat nav and take off much earlier so you can go slowly/pull over as needed to check directions/drive carefully.

Original poster
Grudgeholder · 25/03/2018 08:19

I don’t have a smartphone.

OP posts:
rjay123 · 25/03/2018 08:20

So what are his good qualities then?

PlateOfBiscuits · 25/03/2018 08:20

two* issues. three if you include my spelling

PlateOfBiscuits · 25/03/2018 08:21

Get yourself a satnav and move on with your life.

FinallyHere · 25/03/2018 08:23

I’m left with the choice of sucking it up and moving on, or carrying on the resentment and never really getting anywhere.

Can you honestly not think of any more?

ovenchips · 25/03/2018 08:24

It seems like you were both unreasonable and acted badly. Sounds like he was selfish wanting to duck out of appt and did it in an unpleasant way but sounds like you went off the deep end partly because it meant you couldn't get to appt when it's not his fault you wouldn't drive there yourself.

It's not really the point of thread but the free sat nav app Waze is absolutely fantastic. If you get it for your phone you can find anywhere.

SavvyBlancBlonde · 25/03/2018 08:29

So he’s arranged something for weeks only to dump it at the first sniff of a beer with mates
Yup. I’d not be happy either.

GnotherGnu · 25/03/2018 08:30

I really don't understand why you don't have sat nav, it would give you so much more independence. If you can afford a kitten you can afford a sat nav.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 25/03/2018 08:34

aa autoroute?

Original poster
Grudgeholder · 25/03/2018 08:35

We do have a satnav but the thing it plugs in to is broken. He knows this.

No smartphone is temporary. If I’d had have one I would have gone without question but I just didn’t feel comfortable going without anything to refer to.

OP posts:
CammieKennaway · 25/03/2018 08:36

I'd be as furious as you - he acted like a Grade A disrespectful idiot, both to you and the breeder - however, why don't you rescue a kitten who needs a home from a shelter?
I've had two kittens from a breeder (they were a wedding present from a breeder friend) and I've had many rescue moggies and if I'm honest, the rescue cats were a lot easier - less health issues and less behavioural issues, plus a lot cheaper x

JaneEyre70 · 25/03/2018 08:37

So next time he's arranged something, do the same. Then he can see how frustrating it is.

TroubledLichen · 25/03/2018 08:40

YABU to consider getting a kitten from a breeder when you could go to a shelter.

And your husband sounds like a dick.

Hellywelly10 · 25/03/2018 08:40

Do you both want a cat?

sleep5 · 25/03/2018 08:41

I'd be really annoyed by that. Does he treat you like that with other things too?