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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how would you react to this?

51 replies

newsparklythings · 24/03/2018 21:27

my DD is 2.5, there are a few other mums we've known since they were 3-4 months old from a baby group. they all go to the same nursery in our village so we mums bump into each other there, and we often go to a play group one day a week when not working. sometimes arrange a soft play date. so not great friends, but on reasonably good terms until now. should also say i am the poorest by far, and in a different situation to the others as a lone parent, but that hasn't been a problem so far.

today i took DD to soft play, had paid to get in, DD was playing ok but we were on our own and it was quite quiet. got a message from one of the group of mums, her and another were taking their DDs to a specific place and did i want to join. i said yes and that i was on way. so we left the soft play - after having paid about £5 to get in and for a drink, and having been there about half an hour.

i had to drive for about 20 minutes to get to where they said they would be, and paid to get in - cost was about £10. texted them to say i was there and where were they. DD had fallen asleep in the car so i couldn't get out and look around. waited 5 minutes, messaged again. after 10 minutes then 20 minutes tried calling them quite a few times, no answer. DD was still asleep and i didn't quite know what to do at this point. They had known i was on way, and had invited me, so i had thought they would be looking out so we could find each other.

after 25 minutes I was a bit upset at just sitting there, i couldn't get a refund and if i woke DD to drag her all over the place half awake knew she would be grumpy/wailing, I'd have to carry her as well as all our stuff, i didn't have a pushchair with us. drove away.

after another 20-30 minutes got a call, this time from the other mum (not the one who invited me, but they were together). i answered and it was like she was laughing at me. she asked why i hadn't come to find them - and told me where they had been, but as i didn't know the place i still doubt i would have found them, i do't think i would have. she asked if i was coming back and i said no. then - she seemed pretty accusatory, as though it was my fault i hadn't gone looking. was absolutely not apologetic that i had waited nearly half an hour trying to contact them. as though it was all my fault. there were big long pauses without saying anything and then she seemed to be laughing, and i was so uncomfortable.

the one who actually invited me didn't say anything then and hasn't contacted me since.

i ended the call and just burst into tears, feeling really alone and crappy, like i don't matter to anyone. an over-reaction i know. partly due to spending quite a bit of money today essentially on nothing. we would have been better off staying on our own at the soft play centre in the first place - except it was lonely and i think i jumped at the idea of some company, we do so much on our own.

AIBU for feeling upset? i don't know how to react the next time i see them.

OP posts:

DairyisClosed · 24/03/2018 21:32

Honestly it seems like you have over thought this. I doubt that grown women would act this way.

DextroDependant · 24/03/2018 21:37

Could it be with the long pauses and lack of response that the signal was bad in the place?

Ohyesiam · 24/03/2018 21:39

Sorry op, that sounds tiresome.
Some of the loneliest days of my life were spent with a toddler, and I really get the desperate for companionship thing.
They sound as if they weren’t taking you or your situation into account.
I’m not a fan of confrontation, so would probably be breezy with them next time I saw them, but would remember to be wary that they can be tricky with communication.
Hope you get some better mumfriends

NickyNora · 24/03/2018 21:42

they sound so petty Op.

Unforgiving2 · 24/03/2018 21:42

The fact they invited you suggests that they thought of you and wanted you there. I imagine they were all chatting and missed your calls, assumed you would just find them. When they realised you had left they no doubt felt guilty about missing your calls and surprised that you hadn't come in to look for them.... They weren't to know daughter was asleep or that you didn't have you push chair.
I know what its like with young children and trying to keep them entertained but desperately wanting company, it can be lonely and you sound like me in that you overthink things and feel self conscious and vulnerable.
When you see them, be breezy... "Nevermind, we'll have to go there another time as DD would love it. She was sound asleep though so probably wasn't the best time anyway!" And change the subject.

chocolatesun · 24/03/2018 21:42

That sounds horrible and I understand why you’re feeling upset. I hope you’re wrong and it was all a misunderstanding. Maybe give them the benefit of the doubt just in case but also be wary for your own sake. i hope you feel better soon.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/03/2018 21:43

Sorry, but if I was arranging to meet someone in a specific place I wouldn't expect them to be sitting in a car for an hour not coming in. They weren't to know your DD was asleep. Also, if you're playing with kids you don't always have your phone on you, I don't see why they'd be ignoring you deliberately. And with all due respect no one forced you to leave the £5 place to go elsewhere and spend more money.

Camiila · 24/03/2018 21:44

I'm not sure what you think they've done? If your DD was asleep, why didn't you just stay until she woke up? Then you would have still been there when you were contacted. It sounds like you had a bit of a tantrum, driving away because they were not at the entrance waiting for you. There was no need to leave, was there? You knew they were inside somewhere.

SimonBridges · 24/03/2018 21:44

I’d be pissed off that I’d spent £10 to get in and then not actually met them or enjoyed it.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/03/2018 21:46

Ok I just read my comment back it sounded a bit abrupt sorry I do agree with a PP, days with toddlers are very lonely, especially when your a lone parent, but I really think you're being paranoid about them leaving you out. It just seems to me like an unfortunate instance of bad communication

Whisky2014 · 24/03/2018 21:46

Yeh I think you are in the wrong for not going to look for them. Seems pretty childish.

chocolatesun · 24/03/2018 21:49

Actually, re-reading this I think there was a good chance that they simply weren’t paying attention to their phones (because they were dealing with kids), lost track of time and thought you’d find them. Maybe they were a bit thoughtless but it probably wasn’t intentional. I would definitely give them the benefit of doubt and remember it’s reslly easy to misread situations when you’re feeling lonely and insecure. I hope things get better and I really hope you don’t stay upset for too long.

Fattymcfaterson · 24/03/2018 21:53

Did you just sit in the car park and expect them to come find you?

thiskittenbarks · 24/03/2018 21:54

Understand why you are upset but I don't think there was any bad will on their part. They wouldn't have invited you if they didn't want you there. And they might not have checked their phone in that half an hour - I know I am terrible with this as my toddler requires a lot of attention so half an hour can easily slip by without me even noticing.
I'm sure you'll feel better about it by the next time you see them.

ZoeWashburne · 24/03/2018 21:57

So they told you that they were at a specific place, and you sat in your car out front and didn’t go in?

I’m confused. I would be just as befuddled as your friends. They aren’t mind readers.

SnowiestMountain · 24/03/2018 21:58

Oh OP, I think it was just miscommunication and bad logistics but I really feel for you. It can be really lonely and it's upsetting when plans don't work out. Sounds like you need a big hug very unmumsnetty I know

Tringley · 24/03/2018 21:59

To be totally blunt, you drove there and sat in the car. You say you thought they'd be looking out for you but did you expect them to be looking for you in the car park? It sounds like they just missed your calls, which is really easy to do when you are outside with kids. And even if they had picked up, it sounds like you'd still have been stuck in the car as your DD was asleep and you didn't have a buggy for her.

It's just one of those things. These women are your friends, it's why they called you to see if you wanted to join them. I know that it was upsetting for you and that's understandable but try not to make more out of it than it is, as you could damage the friendship that I believe you do have.

Gemini69 · 24/03/2018 22:00

Bitches run in packs... avoid them always

ChristinaW16 · 24/03/2018 22:02

I don't understand why you had to pay £10 to get in if you were in the car waiting with a sleeping child? Sorry if I've missed something. Regardless, I hate stuff like this too and take it to heart. It's like everyone else has a secret code of what you're supposed to do, and you're left feeling left out.

It almost certainly wasn't personal though xx

Spudina · 24/03/2018 22:03

That sounds like a horrible day. I would be upset too. You sound a lot like me OP. I am really self conscious about my friendships, whether people actually like me etc. It's exhausting. The advice above is good. When you next see these women, make light of the situation, just say "nightmare wasn't it, can't believe how hard it is to find people in that place, will have to try again etc". Being a Mum and having to make new "mum" friends throws up these kinds of situations all the time, especially if, like me you feel vulnerable and low anyway. But tomorrow's is another day, and some of my best friends now are people I've met through my kids. Try not to dwell on it. Things will get better. Xx

WineIsMyMainVice · 24/03/2018 22:08

I agree with pp that when you next see them ‘bright and breezy’ is the wa to go.

You were not in the wrong at all here. It’s nice that they thought to invite you - but they probably just got caught up in whatever was going on. Maybe the silences on the phone was as they were distracted with kids?

Hope you’re ok

Duck90 · 24/03/2018 22:09

I’m a bit confused too. Do you pay to enter the car park of the soft play?

crimsonlake · 24/03/2018 22:13

I am a bit confused if you did not quite rightly want to leave your child in the car alone whilst you went in search of your friends, yet you say you paid the £10 entry fee?

whatisausername · 24/03/2018 22:14

This

IWantMyHatBack · 24/03/2018 22:15

You may have been unreasonable in not just going in and finding them (it can't have been that difficult?)

But.. This is totally the kind of thing I would have done with my NCT group. You say you're not close, so you probably feel you can't entirely be yourself with them, and perhaps second guessing yourself? They did invite you, and sitting in the car for that long is a bit weird..

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