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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how would you react to this?

51 replies

newsparklythings · 24/03/2018 21:27

my DD is 2.5, there are a few other mums we've known since they were 3-4 months old from a baby group. they all go to the same nursery in our village so we mums bump into each other there, and we often go to a play group one day a week when not working. sometimes arrange a soft play date. so not great friends, but on reasonably good terms until now. should also say i am the poorest by far, and in a different situation to the others as a lone parent, but that hasn't been a problem so far.

today i took DD to soft play, had paid to get in, DD was playing ok but we were on our own and it was quite quiet. got a message from one of the group of mums, her and another were taking their DDs to a specific place and did i want to join. i said yes and that i was on way. so we left the soft play - after having paid about £5 to get in and for a drink, and having been there about half an hour.

i had to drive for about 20 minutes to get to where they said they would be, and paid to get in - cost was about £10. texted them to say i was there and where were they. DD had fallen asleep in the car so i couldn't get out and look around. waited 5 minutes, messaged again. after 10 minutes then 20 minutes tried calling them quite a few times, no answer. DD was still asleep and i didn't quite know what to do at this point. They had known i was on way, and had invited me, so i had thought they would be looking out so we could find each other.

after 25 minutes I was a bit upset at just sitting there, i couldn't get a refund and if i woke DD to drag her all over the place half awake knew she would be grumpy/wailing, I'd have to carry her as well as all our stuff, i didn't have a pushchair with us. drove away.

after another 20-30 minutes got a call, this time from the other mum (not the one who invited me, but they were together). i answered and it was like she was laughing at me. she asked why i hadn't come to find them - and told me where they had been, but as i didn't know the place i still doubt i would have found them, i do't think i would have. she asked if i was coming back and i said no. then - she seemed pretty accusatory, as though it was my fault i hadn't gone looking. was absolutely not apologetic that i had waited nearly half an hour trying to contact them. as though it was all my fault. there were big long pauses without saying anything and then she seemed to be laughing, and i was so uncomfortable.

the one who actually invited me didn't say anything then and hasn't contacted me since.

i ended the call and just burst into tears, feeling really alone and crappy, like i don't matter to anyone. an over-reaction i know. partly due to spending quite a bit of money today essentially on nothing. we would have been better off staying on our own at the soft play centre in the first place - except it was lonely and i think i jumped at the idea of some company, we do so much on our own.

AIBU for feeling upset? i don't know how to react the next time i see them.

OP posts:

upsideup · 24/03/2018 22:15

How did you pay the £10 to get in while sat in the car with your sleeping dd?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/03/2018 22:18

Actually, re-reading this I think there was a good chance that they simply weren’t paying attention to their phones (because they were dealing with kids), lost track of time and thought you’d find them

I agree, I was at a farm park today and didn't look at my phone for four hours due to looking after kids/gassing with friends

Babyplaymat · 24/03/2018 22:19

Why didn't you go in? I'd be quite bemused if I were them, they invited you to join then so you knew where they were. It isn't their fault you had already gone to soft play and spent there. You chose to leave, then sat in the car park without looking for them, before driving off and they're at fault?!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/03/2018 22:20

Bitches run in packs... avoid them always

I'd hate to be a woman who hates other women so much

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/03/2018 22:23

I'm guessing the OP went to somewhere where you have to pay at the car park entrance like a zoo? She was at soft play the first time, don't think the second place was a soft play?

LonginesPrime · 24/03/2018 22:26

I think you're being a bit paranoid about their motives. OP.

Looking at it from their perspective, they invited you to somewhere and you said you'd go and then didn't. They then called to see whether you were still coming.

It sounds like you went to a lot of effort and dropped what you were doing for some adult company, which is fine, but they weren't to know that.

Gemini69 · 24/03/2018 22:32

I'd hate to be a woman who hates other women so much

I know.. it's appalling how women can treat other so badly .. poor OP

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/03/2018 22:35

How did they treat her badly exactly?

PorkFlute · 24/03/2018 22:37

Surely you were going to have to wait until your dd woke anyway since you didn’t want to wake her as she’d be grumpy and want carrying. Why didn’t you just text and say your dd was asleep and you’d be in when she woke. Or even just go in and enjoy whatever it was with your dd rather than waste the £10?

FlashTheSloth · 24/03/2018 22:43

YABU. They did nothing wrong, you sat outside and didn't go to find them. That's not their fault. Some people are not glued to their phone 24/7, especially when they are on a day out with their toddler, more likely they were chasing them around.

Gabilan · 24/03/2018 22:44

it's appalling how women can treat other so badly .. poor OP

So they phoned the OP up and asked her if she wanted to meet them somewhere. The OP drove there, but then sat in the car park, expecting them to meet her in the car park whereas they were expecting her to meet them somewhere inside. They didn't check their phones for a bit. Then they called the OP to see where she was.

To me that just sounds like miscommunication on both sides. They expected the OP to have been a bit active in going and looking, but with a sleeping child and no buggy that wasn't possible. If they were unpleasant at all it was in their reaction to the situation but then again, that could be the OP being hurt and sensitive, which is understandable, but not really their fault.

OP I think maybe just see them as acquaintances and people you have an opportunity to socialise with, but just not close friends. Close friends would be a bit more sympathetic to your situation but I don't think these two did anything wrong particularly.

samwormy91 · 24/03/2018 22:44

Well some of thr comments are a bit harsh tbf..... i think your possibly over thinking the situation, bringing up a 2 year old is tiring and stressful never mind doing it alone, so something small could poasibly seems so much bigger.... i think you should possibly let it go and try not to make a big deal about it and possibly suggest going another time.... the awkward silence was probably they felt a bit awkward that it was crossed wires so to speak

Haffdonga · 24/03/2018 22:47

Am I understanding this right?

They invited you to The Place. You drove to The Place. They were all inside The Place but you waited outside because your dd was asleep. They were surprised that you hadn't come to find them.

I really don't understand what you think they should have done. Did you want them to leave The Place and keep you company in the carpark?

befairdontjudge · 24/03/2018 23:02

Also ask why they are not adhering to PHE screening guidance et .

TroubledLichen · 24/03/2018 23:04

Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t see why you’re upset?!

They invited you, presumably because they wanted you to join, you chose to leave the soft play and go there instead. They weren’t to know you’d already spent money. Then when you arrived you didn’t go in, you sat in the car. Fair enough as DD was asleep but I don’t understand why you think they’d be looking for you in the car park. Annoying that they didn’t answer their phones but I you’re overthinking it, they were probably busy with the kids and were expecting you to come inside and look for them. And even if they had answered then I don’t see how that would have changed anything since you didn’t have the pushchair and you didn’t want to wake DD by getting her out of the car... They then eventually looked at their phones and called to see where you were. I really don’t understand why you’d think they’ve done anything wrong, it all sounds totally normal to me.

However small kids are tough, it can be very lonely and we’ve all been there where the slightest thing has become all too much. Don’t blame your friends though.

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest · 24/03/2018 23:07

I would probably apologise for being a bit arsey with them.

Miscommunication on both sides, nobody's fault.

I get it's shitty to be looking forward to a bit of grown up company and it doesn't work out though

WorraLiberty · 24/03/2018 23:08

Another one who doesn't understand how you paid £10 to get in, but your child was asleep in the car?

Tringley · 24/03/2018 23:13

There are plenty of places that you access by vehicle and pay at the gate before driving to the car park. Some zoos, forest parks, etc.

SmileyBird · 24/03/2018 23:36

Did you not have some kind of buggy you could have transferred your DD to and gone and looked for them?

How were they to know you were sat in the car park?

SmileyBird · 24/03/2018 23:42

Sorry, I’ve just seen you didn’t have a buggy.

Kittypillar · 24/03/2018 23:42

Also, they invited you to meet them at a place, but you expected them to come and find you in the car park? Eh? Did it not strike you that they were probably waiting for you inside somewhere...? I think I'd have been as baffled as the friend who rang you too if I'm really honest...

Sorry OP, I think it's just massively crossed wires which is unfortunate. But ultimately, in answer to your question, yes YABU.

angelikacpickles · 24/03/2018 23:56

Why did you leave? If your DD was asleep then you had to wait for her wake up anyway? Surely you could have waited until she woke and then gone in to find them?

Bundlesmads · 25/03/2018 09:17

I don’t understand why you didn’t wake DD up. Surely even if they’d been waiting in the entrance hall you would have had to wake her up and she would still have been grumpy and tired regardless.

busybuildingdens · 25/03/2018 09:44

I’ve felt like this before with my baby mum friends, but now my DD is at school, I look back and realise they never did anything wrong. It’s hard when you have young children and rely on your friends for company (nothing wrong with that BTW!) and it feels like they don’t put you first, but in reality, I’ve done similar things to them without thinking at the time. I think it’s a mixture of being tired, lonely, and wanting your DC to have some friends. It sounds as though it was a case of mixed wires. Try not to take it personally, and write off the £10 wasted. Also, I’m now at the stage where I would much rather spend time on my own at soft play with my DC than meeting other mums.

FlouncyDoves · 25/03/2018 09:57

YABU. They were playing with children/chatting to each other. Their phones might have been on silent, in a bag or otherwise not heard.

You should’ve just gone in like an adult and walked around and found them.

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