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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask, if you were a bully at school, why did you do it?

93 replies

Zippyzoppy · 24/03/2018 17:25

When I was at school I was bullied, which was awful at the time. Now, as an adult, I often think back and wonder what was going on in the bullies’ lives to make them behave as they did, and whether they regret it now.

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 26/03/2018 01:43

I did it because in my school, if you didn't bully then you were bullied.

It was that simple. Nobody was in the middle....it was a very rough school in a deprived area.

Misleadorlie · 26/03/2018 03:41

*I later apologised to her and sincerely meant it.

I do not bully now, I despise bullying, especially adult bullies.*

Well good for you... I doubt the people whose lives you made hell care! So many apologists on here. Every single bully on here who claims to be remorseful made an active choice to bully. Shame on all of you.

AjasLipstick · 26/03/2018 05:14

Mis Oh do be quiet. Children don't make sensible choices all the time! Adults can reflect and judge properly. You sound ridiculous.

Lizzie48 · 26/03/2018 07:53

@Misleadorlie the girl I talked about earlier did make my life a misery. At the time I hated her. But when I learned that her mum had died of cancer I pitied her. It had been mentioned previously that her mother was ill with cancer but at that point I obviously didn't think about that as I only saw her as my bully at the time.

But I don't hold it against her now. She was in a bad place and took it out on me. It must have been horrible for her; she failed all her exams. It doesn't excuse her and I wouldn't particularly want to be friends with her, but I understand it now.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 26/03/2018 08:25

I think there are two types of bullies........those who are calculating twats. And those who are reacting to shit homes.

Back in the 80s there were 2 notorious bullies in our school. Sisters who even the teachers are scared of. They'd mug kids and take their marker pens and tipex to sniff, steal money, etc. They roamed in a gang and no one would cross them..........found out a few years ago they'd been pimped out since toddler hood by their own mother.

I hated them at the time, now my heart just weeps for them.

AllNamesTakenhell · 26/03/2018 10:30

I bullied i think. I was nasty on one occassion anyway. My bully wanted me to join her in bullying and i was desperate for a reprieve and she was my best friend. Luckily, i or rather we, were stood up too. I still get upset thinking on both how i felt and how i must have made her feel.

She gave me the courage to stand up to my bully of a best friend. My bf still kept trying to bully me and bullied others in our group though, playing us off against each other. She was being physically abused at home and groomed by her dad's friend.

We tried reconnecting as adults but she kept slipping back into the bullying attitude and so i cut her off. Part of me feels deeply sorry for her but the other remembers child me when i was bullied and adult me who felt sick upset and stressed when she started up again. I blocked her on fb too though occassionally see her being passive aggressive or spiteful on other friend's walls.

Tistheseason17 · 26/03/2018 20:00

This thread has had a huge impact on me.
The girl who bullied me had a friend who'd never been horrible to me and even backed me when I retaliated to the bully.
I was inspired to look her up on FB and just found out she passed away last year.
Devastated. I have messaged her family (who I know) and shared all of the wonderful things she did for me. She was truly a special person - but they will know that already. Can't believe how upset it made me. Guess, I was just picturing the impact it's had on her DH and DC.

OliviaStabler · 26/03/2018 20:09

I was horribly bullied and to be very blunt I don't care why they did it. No excuse is good enough.

I still live with the damage my bullies did to me. I can never shake it off totally, as hard as I have worked to do that.

LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 26/03/2018 20:15

Because I was pathetic and insecure. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.

I was also bullied.

PissyDressingGown · 26/03/2018 20:35

I was a bully. I was an unpopular kid, nor clever enough to be in with the "good" kids, not cool enough to be in with the cool kids. My mum had no sense of fashion whatsoever so my clothes were ridiculous, charity shop stuff that were probably 20 years old when I got them. I was abused by a family member, my parents had split up, my mum was a complete state just desperately trying to acquire a new husband (didn't matter who it was) and I was desperately unhappy and insecure.

I had one "friend" - a very quiet soft girl and I bullied her as I was so jealous of her. She was clever, she seemed to have a loving family, other people liked her, the teachers adored her and I suppose I felt if I could make her just a little unhappier than she was, wouldn't be the only one unhappy. It went on for ages, I took the piss out of her clothes, her hair, her interests, would chuck mud at her, follow her around and basically made her unhappy.

We were about 10 years old. I obviously regret every minute of it. We're now friends on Facebook and I make a point of liking all her pictures and congratulating her on her weight loss goals and tell her how amazing she looks and what an inspiration she is. She's always nice in reply. I'll never be able to make up to her what I did though, I know that but I think of her all the time. I was a horrible kid.

JustDanceAddict · 26/03/2018 20:42

I got bullied, but I was also did some ‘excluding’ myself. Some of it was because I didn’t want to hang around with someone and it was a way of extricating from that friendship. Not the most mature, but I was a young teen. Once I was more secure in myself and friendships from 15 onwards I never engaged in that sort of behaviour and I hate i when my kids get excluded. I never bullied in the traditional sense of picking on someone though or name calling.

Certcert · 26/03/2018 22:34

Are any of you who bullied other people, still bullies now?

Original poster

Zippyzoppy · 26/03/2018 22:50

Do you know, this thread has been a little bit cathartic. I know that the years of bullying I suffered have affected me in many ways, from my choice of husband, to the fact I haven’t been back to my home town for more than 10 years. But hearing some of your stories have made me realise that I was not the only one, and that some of you have suffered more than me. It makes me so sad to hear the pain many of you voice on here because it mirrors my own.

I can’t decide how I feel about the apologies - the mature me accepts that children can’t be held to account like adults, but the little girl in me hates the way I was made to feel for no other reason than I wasn’t brave enough to fight back. It’s sad.

OP posts:

Mydoghatesthebath · 26/03/2018 23:02

Not fighting back doesn’t make you not brave love. It usually means you are a very lovely gentle person.

We brought up our kids to never hit first but if hit or threatened to stand tall and hit back, shout back, basically never accept that first attempt to bully as just shouting or swearing back to that first attempt stops a bully.

It’s not nice but it’s life. Teachers don’t solve bullying. Bullies pick on the kids who look vulnerable.

pissy sounds to me like you are punishing yourself far too much. If you were that nasty why would she be your friend on fb?

toomuchtooold · 27/03/2018 18:08

Those of you who were bullied: how do you find it handling situations where your kids are being bullied? Mine aren't, as far as I know, but I was dropping them off at school today and there was a cheeky little bastard kid in their class was taking the piss and I felt really really angry and also sort of teary and weak. And like, it was nothing, but at some point they might get grief and I have to be able to deal with it sensitively and assertively and it would really help if I didn't have all these incongruous Feelings from 1985 clouding the issue...

Anyone know of any books or anything that cover this stuff? "Parenting for the ex-bullied". I would buy that!

Lizzie48 · 27/03/2018 18:19

It's very difficult, @toomuchtooold my DD1 has been excluded by her classmates in the past, and never gets invited to parties. I remember her saying that she played with her 'invisible fairies'. And the therapist who was assessing her (she's been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder, as a result of being adopted) observed her with her class doing PE and noticed that she was being excluded. It was heartbreaking.

It's been all the more noticeable, as DD2 is extremely popular and is constantly being invited to parties.

Thankfully, DD1 does now have a couple of close friends, so things are looking up.

It's been hard for me, because it's something I've dreaded, the thought that either one of my DDs might be bullied. With DD2 I worry that she might be a bully, she says unkind things about other children in her class sometimes. I pull her up on it, I think she is learning. I managed to persuade her to have a class party and not exclude anyone.

I do need to be careful of projecting, though, I know that.

Misleadorlie · 27/03/2018 21:03

I think that as a result of being bullied, I wouldn’t stand for it for my DC. I would literally take them out of school to make it stop, and before that, I’d do all I could to make sure school took it seriously. I know what you mean about projecting, though... I suppose I know the impact it can have and so I’d crack down on it hard.

toomuchtooold · 29/03/2018 12:19

Thanks for the replies, you guys. I was thinking a bit about it and I figure that while I'm never going to be the person who can deal with this stuff all sort of calm and assertive, I can do things to help - make sure they have some of the resources that help resilience, like friends and hobbies outside school, and if we do ever need to raise stuff with the school I can always send in DH who is a local and who has a knack of sounding really well intentioned even when he's really angry I have to not turn it into "this is my second chance to step up and defeat the bullies" IYSWIM

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