To ask, if you were a bully at school, why did you do it?

[Zippyzoppy]

When I was at school I was bullied, which was awful at the time. Now, as an adult, I often think back and wonder what was going on in the bullies’ lives to make them behave as they did, and whether they regret it now.

The girl who bullied me at school is now about 18 stone and was involved in quite a high profile domestic violence court case a few years back. I'm assuming from that that she probably had a similarly shit home life to mine, only I went the quiet withdrawn route and she went the fighter route.

Well I'm generally quite nice. I'm normally the type to stand up for the kid that is bullied. All through school I was one of the cool(ish) croud, but always was the one others turned to to help them out, and I always stuck up for anyone being bullied and hated bullying. I'm in a caring role professionally now. I cared for my family as a child and teen.

That said - yes I'm ashamed to say I did bully someone once.

My first love (age 15) who I'd fancied from afar for a year, happened to be on the same holiday as me (imagine that!!! My heart went crazy!!) and he decided to ask me out. We were dating all of two (ish) days when he pretty much sexually assaulted me and tried to force me to have sex. I was strong enough to to force him off and say no. But devastated this meant the ending of our relationship. He dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him, but even though he assaulted me, I didn't want to be dumped. I really thought I loved him.

The next day (lieterally) he got another girl. They dated for a long time (wouldn't b surprised if they're still together many many years later!) Anyway, we had a couples event to go to at the end of the holiday (think PGL type holiday thing - end of week disco/ dinner thing! but this was 20 years ago!).

I was horrible. I was hurt. I picked the 'nurdiest' (I know that's a horrible description - but that's what I called it at the time ) boy to go with, to make it all into a joke. He was the butt of my joke. I humiliated him :( I hate myself for that. He was such a nice guy and I was a complete idiot to him. I took him to the ball as a joke (and he got a lot of laughs ) - because I couldn't bare being on my own and seeing the boy I loved with another girl. I also couldn't bare that everyone knew I fancied this guy (that assaulted me and no-one knew) and he was with another girl. I also couldn't bare the pain of what had happened and how dirty and humiliated I felt, and I couldn't tell anyone.

I think about the boy I bullied a lot. It wasn't prolonged - but enough that he would have felt the butt of all jokes and deeply humiliated

I'm sorry George. I really really really am.

I was bullied fairly mercilessly through the first few years of secondary school. I didn't have any friends either, and sort of saw the teachers as my 'friends'. I knew it wasn't the same as having actual mates, but I was quite clever and a hard worker and they would chat to me and make me feel a bit more normal.

One day a boy 'A' who was completely unrelated to the huge group of bullies, and who was just a bit of a joker, said that he was going to go to guidance and tell them I'd been bullying him, and that I'd been racist towards him - it was all unfounded, he was just trying to wind me up.

I went into a complete internal meltdown. I couldn't face the idea that if he did that the teachers would look at me differently and I'd lost my only 'friends'. I decided to go to guidance myself, and broke down in sobbing tears. Over the course of the hour, the guidance teacher tried to get out of me what the problem was, and finally ascertained that I was being bullied by 'A'.

He got pulled up and punished, and warned about further instances. The actual bullies were never mentioned or punished, and I still feel bad 25 years later for getting 'A' into far more trouble than he deserved.

Not sure that this constitutes me bullying him, but it still doesn't feel very good.

I was very briefly a bully back in primary one. I bullied because bullying stopped me from being the target. It was very much a case of redirecting attention to another target. I got pulled up and chewed out by the head teacher and never did it again cause I was too scared to get into trouble!
So naturally, I became the bullied person instead. Right through till I went to uni. I'm autistic so I was an easy target.

I was a quieter girl and I was bullied, I crossed a line with a girl from my own group, what started off as ribbing (jointly) went too far. She was too nice and went along with it for too long. In the end told me how upset she was. I was mortified and apologised. I still think about what I did now. I don't understand why I did it to a friend.

Hardly character building to be terrified of school, self harming, suicidal and sleeping around aged 14 because you so desperately need to feel some worth. I never had a happy day in school I cried myself to sleep nearly every night and even now I'm dealing with severe mental health issues because of the shit I went through.

I was the kid everyone bullied, the easy target nerd fat girl living with her grandparents and desperate for a few crumbs of friendship. Bullying kills, it tears people apart in ways they will never heal from.

I know it’s a cliche, but I think I bullied because I was bullied myself. I wasn’t popular, and was picked on by kids more popular than myself, so I in turn bullied a few kids that I deemed less popular than me. I feel terrible about it now. I remember once thinking it was funny to throw chewing gum in a girls hair. And I also remember tripping people up in corridors on purpose. I was a complete and utter cunt and I really regret those days. All I can do now is teach my DD to be a better and kinder person than I was back then and maybe I can make up for it in that way.

High school bullying has affected my whole life and I feel absolutely gutted that I may have caused someone else the suffering that I had all those years.

I was at school with a girl from 5-18. Whilst at primary school, she was always seen as the cleverer one and her mum used to love lording it over my mum. I did better at secondary school and her mum hated me for it - I imagine she got a lot of "You were always cleverer than Hippee, why aren't you now?" at home - and so she bullied me - her favourite tack was "No-one likes you, they are just pretending" - which is hugely undermining to this day. I was nerdy and shy, but thin, she was overweight (and now morbidly obese) - I understand why she bullied me and hope that I didn't contribute to her (obvious) lack of self-esteem.

My main bullies at school seem to have no insight into the fact they made my life and a few others absolute hell.

One girl contacted me asking for donations for their ringleaders funeral costs and to give her a good send off. She'd had a terrible life apparently, had been in prison for assault and I was given the full sob story about why nothing that happened to her had ever been her fault.

I asked if she actually knew who I was. Did she mean to contact me. Had she made a mistake? I recalled how they'd all made my life hell and reminded her of some of the more serious incidents. Did she really expect me to contribute?

She told me they were just messing around, it was a bit of fun, apparently I laughed along with them most of the time..... It wasn't serious etc. Bygones be bygones. 'But she's dead now!' I told her it made no difference and I wouldn't be donating.

I recently called someone else out about workplace bullying. They refused to acknowledge their behaviour was wrong and blamed the other person totally. They persisted in the bullying, it was noticed and they were warned and eventually got their contract ended. I know the bully had been in a DV situation herself but she still refuses to admit she was at fault.

I don't think many bullies recognise what they are.

I was bullied at secondary school terribly but no I do not wonder about what horrible things might have been going on with them. Because it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference. They made my life hell for no reason other than they could. If they were so traumatized by their own horrific situation then they wouldn't want others to feel like that.
I'm not on about the odd bit of name calling but the literal make some1s life hell bullying.
I had my head flushed, I was threatened with a knife, i had rumours spread about me being pregnant because I walked around 'cuddling' my stomach (I had stomach issues) and had to be escorted between classes a few times because girls were waiting for me outside or on 1 glorious occasion I was blasted for 2 weeks straight because I had ankle swingers for trousers as I'd had yet another growth spurt.
I see some of those girls now as adults and they still look at me like I'm scum or something on the bottom of their shoes. They are not hurt by events in their own childhoods they are nasty people with disgusting personalities and they don't deserve my pity or my forgivenss

I was bullied thoughout secondary. I was a year ahead so an easy target. It destroyed my confidence for years. I still don't understand why they did it.

I was bullied so became a bully.

I moved school often (DF job) and as the new girl I got picked on a lot, again and again the same cycle. When I finally got to upper school (and stayed in the same school as DM left DF so we settled in a town) I found the weakest kids and I picked on them. Oddly it gained me respect and I ended up going through my upper school years with friends, from the 'cool' group friends at that.

For me it was a survival thing but I am utterly ashamed of myself.

I was never happy.

I was bullied in primary and secondary school. In primary school I think the bully's problem was I would actually disagree with her when she said stuff etc whereas others wouldn't so I became her target. However soon as we went to different secondary schools the tables turned and she was bullied (which I think was karma and have no sympathy for her).

At secondary school it was literally my life was made hell. My first year there I had a skin condition at the time and one girl asked me what it was I was honest and she told the whole class about it and made it into a thing that no one could touch anything I touched and basically instigated it so much the majority of the class wouldn't come near me (most of them also did bully me and did some nasty things to me) all thanks to her I was bullied for 4 years. Ironically she then fell out with the class tough nut and popular kid and moved out the class sharpish cos she was so scared. She continued to pick me when we had classes together by trying to get people to ignore and exclude me etc. Funnily enough a couple of years later she found out who my cousin was (my cousin was the complete opposite of me and very popular in the school) and suddenly she was kissing my arse non stop being all friendly. Anyway long story short someone else mentioned to my cousin about her being a bully and my cousin asked me so I told her my cousin basically ignored her and told her she had better stay away from me from now on or she'll be sorry. She basically left me alone after but in our final year she tried again by this time I had made friends got my confidence up and she started on me so I stood up to her and she ended up being embarrassed. She added me a few years ago on social media and tried messaging me but I just ignored her. Whilst I don't dwell on it I also am not very forgiving because she made my life a complete misery for years and even if she said sorry now its too little too late kinda thing. Those who can forgive and forget good for you

I used to always help one bullied girl in school.

One time I was cornered and I thought she would get a teacher - I never expected her to intervene directly with the bullies. She didn't go for help - instead she joined in with the bullying. I really didn't expect that.

Afterwards she was in their group - never the main instigator of bullying, more just one of the lackeys. She became bullied by them again and tried to return to her previous friends but they weren't very forgiving.

My son is one of those people without a mean bone in his body. He is the sweetest-natured boy, and was bullied relentlessly to the point where we took him out of school in year 9 and he only went back this year to start sixth form college. I never really realised just how utterly vindictive and vile teenagers can be. I really, really hope that they feel bad in years to come. They bloody well deserve to. I'd love to sit them down and make them listen to what it was like. The suicide attempt. The nights of sobbing and sobbing. The desperation to look right. His face when they sent him photos of the parties they'd excluded him from. His face when his best friend turned on him. I will never, ever forgive the little bastards and I hope they feel every single bit of remorse that they deserve to. His crime was to have Ehlers Danlos syndrome which makes you clumsy and physically timorous. At least if the bastards do feel bad they might teach their children better.

My DH was mercilessly bullied throughout his secondary school, it still effects him now and he's nearly 50

Our DS has suffered too, with many side effects we do talk everything through and it's so hard as I feel so helpless for him. We've worked through coping techniques, school intervention, an active social life away from school but I'm not sure what else I can do. The bullies are little shits and I'm not wasting and more words to describe them.

If I was beaten at home I would pass it on at school. I would literally count the blows and pass them on. I couldn't read or write and hit people to distract attention from that. I was proud of being seen as terrifying, and would coverup my fear and act totally fearless. I would challenge myself to make the biggest person in the class cry, or to find a group of 4 and attack them single handed. Anyone I was afraid of I would attack, my self esteem and pride totally depended on never backing away from a fight because I was frightened. If I was frightened it made me fiercer and more determined.

I was bullied all the way through primary and secondary and now have mental health issues as a result. I will never, ever forgive the people that bullied me, they don't deserve that level of respect.

When I was at school (mid 70s to late 80s) there was usually one or two kids in every year group who were known as "well hard" and if they told you to do something, you best do it, etc.

In 5th year (GCSE year, so year 11?) I had gone to the loos with my friend during break. I was peeing and she was adjusting her makeup. The big female bully of the year comes into the loos and starts threatening my friend. Some bullshit about how my friend had dissed some other girl.

I came out of the cubicle and told the bully to fuck off. She then attempted to start a physical fight with me. I head butted her in the face. Her and her little "gang" gave me and my friends a wide berth after that.

In retrospect, she definitely had shit going on at home. She ALWAYS smelled unwashed - not just a bit of BO but like her clothes had not been washed in 6 months. Apparently she frequently alternated between parents and grandparents house. (Seems to be a theme judging by this thread.)

She was eventually excluded for carrying a knife.

Funnily enough the only bullying I experienced at school mirrors the emotional abuse I was witnessing at home. I allowed a full two years of my "best friend" encouraging others to exclude/insult me, because my mum told me that's just what people do.

I was bullied from 12-17 until I moved schools, all verbal and psychological bullying. I don't feel sorry for the bullies at all and don't believe in the "poor me" story. Also don't believe it makes you who you are today, I could have done without it! School was a misery, developed an eating disorder & many other things. Bullying is disgusting. It makes me happy that the girls who did it have shitty jobs though! :)

Oh god this thread has just reminded me of something.

I went to a small private primary with about 12 kids to each class.Everyone knew everyone, all parents knew each other etc.

When I was about 10, one girl - we'll call her Lucy - became a really spiteful little mare.Pushing us all, teasing, calling me fat (I was a bit of a chunk), hiding our stuff and was just SO unkind. Even slapping a girl in our class who I now believe was autistic. We all just kindof accepted it as best as we could and never said much.This went on for a whole year.

One day, my best friend and I decided we'd had enough and told everyone to ignore her.For some reason...they listened.And she had a very unhappy 3 days (a lifetime for 10 year olds).

I was sitting down for dinner with my family one night when there was a loud banging on the door.Lucy's Dad was there, and very angrily told my shocked parents that enough was enough, and I had to stop bullying his daughter.I was hysterical. My mum and dad got rid of him sharpish, saying they would talk 2 me but he shouldn't just turn up at their home and should raise issues via the school.

He left.My parents asked me two questions. 'Did you tell everyone to ignore her?' I cried buckets and said yes. They kindof looked at each other - they knew how much trouble Lucy had been causing but I'd always begged them not to intervene - and said they needed to talk to each other first so could I go to my room. I cried for an hour.

When they had finished agreeing on what they were going to say they called me down and said they knew Lucy had been mean and that we had( in our minds) tried to 'stand up to her'. But they said that it was the wrong way to go about it and we shouldn't be mean like she was and it was better to just ignore mean behaviour than copy it.

That did stick with me, and I never bullied. Luckily, wasn't bullied in secondary either.

Years later, they confessed they thought she deserved it and had been secretly talking to the school all along! But it was very much drilled in me not to be a cow because someone else was being one.

Love my parents

*Lucy's DAD was there at the door

Honestly don't know why I did it.

I wish I hadn't done it now. In my brief experience of working in a school, the only thing I actually contributed was to keep an eye out for any bullying and stamp it out.

I was pretty badly bullied at school. Secondary school was hell and I was a bit of an oddball and eccentric with passionate views, that didnt go down well at a deprived council estate comprehensive. The bullying still affects me now, I think, 25 years after i left.

I definitely made the odd shitty comment to other kids here and there, as a way of making myself feel like I wasnt the worst of the worst.

I think that the damage caused is long lasting. I was a loud but happy child who didn't wish ill to anyone. The upset that bullying brought to my life was very difficult to deal with. I hope my children don't have to go through the same thing. I'm on the fence about whether to forgive or whether I can't.