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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH friend staying

50 replies

User2837 · 24/03/2018 06:31

Basically a friend of DH who doesn't live in the country is over in another city for business in July. They haven't seen each other in over 5 years and so I'm the excitement of hearing he is in the country DH has invited him to stay for a week.
This wouldn't normally be an issue but it coincides with me returning to my degree after a years maternity leave. I'm studying nursing so when I return I go straight back into placement, working 14 hour shifts. DD will be 10 months old by then but I've never been away from her for more than a few hours as I breastfeed and she struggles to sleep/map without me there, so it'll be a tricky transition time for me and her anyway. I'm also going to be in the peak of doing a dissertation and have never met this man before. The thought of returning from a 14 hour shift to trying to settle DD into a new routine, and juggling a dissertation is enough in itself, but then to have a random man in our 2 bedroom flat to top it off just really doesn't seem manageable.
When I said this to DH he seemed genuinely gutted as he was so excited to see his friend. He said his friend wouldn't be able to afford to travel to us and pay for a hotel and so if we can't put him up then he won't be able to see him at all. An alternative would be DH traveling to visit him in the city he's visiting for business, but that's 300 miles away and I need DH here for the transition of me going back into placement.
AIBU to say he can't stay and therefore they're unable to catch up?! I feel awful but don't see how we can manage!

OP posts:
DownWentTheFlag · 24/03/2018 06:34

Suggest the visit is cut short. 3/4 days is enough surely.

AlbertaSimmons · 24/03/2018 06:46

You'll manage if you opt out of the visit in the sense that you do everything just as normal, be polite to the chap but don't do anything over and above routine. Leave your DH to attend to his mate, make his meals, entertain him, whathaveyou and get on with your own commitments. Tell DH beforehand that's what's happening so he can get organised.

PixieDust100 · 24/03/2018 07:02

I don’t see the problem with him coming to you aslong as you make it clear you won’t be making tea and essentially doing any ‘wife work’ for the time he’s there. Your be polite etc but go upstairs and do your work etc and leave them to it.
He hasn’t seen him in over 5 years so I think you should come, it’s only a week.

franklyshitmydear · 24/03/2018 07:05

Why can't your DH just shorten his friend's stay?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 24/03/2018 07:16

Yabu, your post is very me me me, compromise and agree to him coming 3-4 days, you both live there. Just tell dh you will not be pitching in with cleaning/cooking etc for those days

KoshaMangsho · 24/03/2018 07:35

I would put up with it. It’s a week. Yes it may not be the nicest week of your life. But it’s a week. And in return DH gets to see a dear friend whom he might not for a long time.

Make sure you tell him that for that week he’s in charge of the hospitality side of things. Ensuring the room is ready, if meals need preparing, any guest related stuff is his to do.

For full disclosure I went back to work twice, at 9 months, breastfeeding with a 90 min commute each day and having to settle DS1 and 2 into the CM. It was the most horrendous first 6 months but it’s a long time ago. I would have regretted not being flexible for a week.

sonjadog · 24/03/2018 07:41

I think YABU. It is only a week, it is very important to your DH and you will muddle through. Be clear that he will have to do the organising and that you may not have time to socialize much with his friend, and then let him get on with it.

Dancingmonkey87 · 24/03/2018 07:43

People commenting on here telling you to put up with it have never been a third year nursing student on placement with a dissertation and a baby in tow. Could he rearrange it for another time? Your goin to need your dh help to complete your studies.

WutheringTights · 24/03/2018 07:48

You might be surprised. I've returned to work after mat leave with three children now (not nursing but a demanding long-hours job). Each time they have taken to it very easily. Children are very adaptable. Your attitude will help. If you're getting upset then they will pick up on it too. I ended up being very matter of fact about it. I had to return to work so they had to go into childcare. I was confident that I'd chosen a great setting for them where they would be loved and well cared for. Beyond that I couldn't allow myself to think about it too much as it simply had to happen. I think my matter of fact attitude helped them to settle.

Take advice from your childcare provider. They will be used to settling children new to their setting.

And I'd let the friend stay as you'll regret it otherwise, but take the excellent advice above to opt out of all the wife work that goes with it and work hard on it caring too much if your partner doesn't do it quite as well as you would have liked (easier said than done, I know).

brummiesue · 24/03/2018 07:51

You are being quite selfish, it's one week. If you are doing 14hr shifts then surely it will be your dh who is settling and sorting your child? They won't be kept awake for you to sort when you return. Just make it clear that he needs to help out with your child and that you expect him to feed/entertain/clear up after him - and no noisy late nights either Wink

Sofabitch · 24/03/2018 07:55

I also think YABU.

You have time to do the bulk of your dissertation before hand. It's only a week. Really nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Grobagsforever · 24/03/2018 07:58

YABU. As long as DH does all hosting and steps up on childcare front.

Mouseville65 · 24/03/2018 08:00

I’m another who thinks YABU, it’s one week and he hasn’t seen him for 5 years.

GnotherGnu · 24/03/2018 08:01

You're slightly insane to time a dissertation with your return to work anyway. Is there any chance of getting an extension on it?

IncyWincyGrownUp · 24/03/2018 08:04

Dissertations don’t take one week to write. You’re either lazy/behind on work or you’re projecting.

I’m not judging either, I’m the queen of procrastination and I am an anxious projector. You can’t let it rule the entire house though. Your husband just needs to make sure he’s pulling his weight for the visit.

orangesmartieseggs · 24/03/2018 08:09

Another who thinks YABU.

This isn't someone your husband sees every week down the pub - they've not seen each other for five years and you're suggesting they don't catch up at all because it's bad timing for you?!

I would compromise at the friend staying for 3-4 nights, and you telling your DH that he still needs to step up with regards to housework and childcare - his mate being there to visit is fine but it's not a green card for him to opt out for the week.

Does the friend have kids? A third pair of hands may be more useful than you think!

Findingdotty · 24/03/2018 08:11

Could someone stay with you to help you like a parent, sibling or a close friend? Then your DH could go and stay with or near his friend for a few days? If not change the stay to 2 or 3 days.

YoucancallmeVal · 24/03/2018 08:14

You're mean. It's one week of your life. And why should you get the say in deciding whether or not the friend stays? One week. It will be fine.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/03/2018 08:19

Get your dh to cook up lots of stuff for the freezer the week before and to give the house a thorough cleaning. I presume he is taking time off to entertain his friend so you should be coming home to a hot meal and tidy place. Also do as much of your college work between now and then. Not because of friend but for yourself. It will be fine but dh must be completely committed to cooking and cleaning.

pasturesgreen · 24/03/2018 08:19

Does it absolutely have to be a week? Apart from everything else you've mentioned, staying with friends in what sounds like a fairly small house for a week sounds excruciating for all involved.

Would the friend even be able to take annual leave for a week on top of his business trip? I'd offer 3 or 4 days, tops. Seems a perfectly reasonable compromise.

zzzzz · 24/03/2018 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TuffTuff · 24/03/2018 08:22

I think it depends on the friend. Is it likely that they'll spend the week going out every evening and coming in drunk? Or might he actually be quite helpful and pleasant to have around? Do you know him at all?

I do think it's unfair of your DH to invite him without talking to you first, no matter what was planned for that week. As well as adding pressure on you, it'll take up a lot of DH's time and energy, so he'll have less for you during a week when you need him. But obviously he's excited about seeing him. Any chance he could get a B&B somewhere nearby for the week (or Air B&B)? A week with a friend he hasn't seen in 5 years could turn out to be a long week...

Collaborate · 24/03/2018 08:23

Another one here who thinks that as long as he's pulling his weight (presumably he's looking after the baby when not in nursery) you need to back off and not object to this visit. It's only a week, and it's been 5 years.

Idontdowindows · 24/03/2018 08:26

It's not unreasonable to expect your partner to discuss this with you beforehand. He should have first run this past you.

Unfortunately he hasn't, but the upside is, he gets to be host and in charge of the household for that week, he gets to entertain the guest and all you have to do is show up for meals and take care of the little one.

TalkFastThinkSlow · 24/03/2018 08:29

It's one week, it's not the end of the fucking world. He hasn't seen his friend in FIVE YEARS. You're making this all about yourself and it's not on. And you never know, this friend might be great with kids and could actually help you.