DH friend staying

[User2837]

Basically a friend of DH who doesn't live in the country is over in another city for business in July. They haven't seen each other in over 5 years and so I'm the excitement of hearing he is in the country DH has invited him to stay for a week.
This wouldn't normally be an issue but it coincides with me returning to my degree after a years maternity leave. I'm studying nursing so when I return I go straight back into placement, working 14 hour shifts. DD will be 10 months old by then but I've never been away from her for more than a few hours as I breastfeed and she struggles to sleep/map without me there, so it'll be a tricky transition time for me and her anyway. I'm also going to be in the peak of doing a dissertation and have never met this man before. The thought of returning from a 14 hour shift to trying to settle DD into a new routine, and juggling a dissertation is enough in itself, but then to have a random man in our 2 bedroom flat to top it off just really doesn't seem manageable.
When I said this to DH he seemed genuinely gutted as he was so excited to see his friend. He said his friend wouldn't be able to afford to travel to us and pay for a hotel and so if we can't put him up then he won't be able to see him at all. An alternative would be DH traveling to visit him in the city he's visiting for business, but that's 300 miles away and I need DH here for the transition of me going back into placement.
AIBU to say he can't stay and therefore they're unable to catch up?! I feel awful but don't see how we can manage!

Get your dissertation out of the way now. You don't have to wait until the deadline to do it you know.
Tell your husband he is in charge of entertaining and looking after his friend.
CAn your husband book a weeks holiday that week to help with the baby?
It is just a week

Why don’t you try spending more than a few hours away from you daughter so she can learn to nap/sleep without you there before July. You have more than three months to get her prepared for the transition so start now and then she will be fine by the time July comes and that will presumably be a load off your mind.
Could you get your mum/sister/friend to help look after your daughter as part of this? If they can spare Time between now and then you coukd express milk and leave your daughter for 3/4/5/6 hrs. Then you could swap places with them ie use their nice quiet home to get ‘ ahead’ with your dissatation.
Then maybe this should help with when you go back to work and also when your husbands friend visits........because, let’s be fair here, it would be really really mean and selfish to deny your husband this opportunity. And frankly, why should you have the final say over who stays in your home? This is way beyond being unreasonable.
Life is short and precious and there’s a damn sight more to life than babies who won’t nap without mum being there andfeeling you might be somewhat inconvenienced. Don’t deny your husband time with his friend who for whatever reason, he might never ever have the chance to spend time with again. Your family’s wants and needs have to revolve around more than your wants and needs.

Wow so many responses! Sorry, I don't mean to drip feed, I did suggest him coming for a weekend and apparently it's "not worth his while" for the train costs
I'm honestly not trying to make it all about me, it's more about DD and how difficult it is to get her settled (it sometimes takes uoto 3 hours at night!) so I can't imagine DH doing that whilst his friend sits there.
I haven't left my dissertation to the last minute, and I'm working on it at the moment but it's not easy with a 7 month old. For those saying express and give her milk that way, I have tried EVERYTHING - she just won't take a bottle / sippy cup / anything. It's been really hard for us.
I'll stick to what I said with 3 nights and hopefully he can "make it worth his while" to come for that amount of time. It'll be very cramped otherwise - we have a 2 bed flat so the only space I have is either the lounge or bedroom

I think some posters are being a bit harsh.
If my DH invited some bloke I don't even know to stay in our house for a week without consulting me I'd be pretty pissed off, regardless of what was going on that week. OP is obviously anxious about returning to work after Mat leave and wondering how she's going to combine working long hours in a demanding and high-stress job with studying and caring for her baby, surely most people can empathise with this? I know from experience that going back to 14 hour shifts after nearly a year off is an absolute killer so I can see why OP wouldn't want to come home and have to entertain in her first week back. It's all very well everyone saying "get your DH to do all the cleaning/meals/hosting" but since we're talking about a man who doesn't even bother to consult his wife before inviting people to stay for several days, how likely is that to happen?

Thanks Minister, exactly - just running it by me first would have been a starting point! Some people obviously deal with stress better than others and I'm already anxious about returning with everything on my plate as it is.

I get you OP. It sounds like you're finding it hard enough now, and you're worrying that you will still feel the same in July, with a stranger (to you) in a 2 bed flat.
However - if it's DH's friend, DH will have to take on the bulk of the work. Can you sort out some other childcare help in advance?
I'm remembering a time when my PILs came to stay in our 2 bed flat and DD was about 2 months old. They were on the sofa bed in the sitting room and we were really squished for space. It was only 2 days, and a long time ago.
It will be ok.

He should have asked you first. It’s unreasonable to expect you to have someone you don’t know in a small flat for a week, especially when it’s a week that you expect to be stressful already.
Maybe he could come for a couple of nights instead? YANBU at all.

The visit is 3/4 months away, the things that you're finding difficult with the baby now won't necessarily be the same then. Sleep and feeding patterns may have changed significantly by then.

I wouldn't like it but I would do it. Your partner is obviously excited, they haven't seen each other for years and whilst it may well feel like a long week, it is just a week.

Cross post. If he’s not that bothered to come for a weekend he won’t be that bothered not to see him at all! I would say no.

I can see that you have anxiety building up about your return and you feel that this is visit is only adding to it so the solution is for it not to happen. You are trying to control your own set of conflicting demands by having total control over your domestic environment. It is understandable but step back a bit and think how this feels to your husband - it's not as if the friend is over for months and this is a random week he has chosen just to frustrate you. If he believes he can take the bulk of the hosting duties and take a fair share of the baby care and general domestic work, then you should be able to be polite but distance yourself.

A compromise is in order here. What about the friend staying with you for or 3 nights and then 3 nights in a local B&B? You're obviously stressed at the idea, but it would be sad for your DH if he couldn't see his friend at all.

I'm sorry I also think you're being horribly unreasonable. And to then try to say it's not about you it's about you're daughter isn't ok. She will be fine with him there and you know it.

It's a week. It'll be fine.

YANBU given the situation you describe. Since your DH has already invited friend I would suggest he tells friend about the circumstances and offers one night only. If the friend really can't afford a budget hotel for a few nights then the catch-up will just have to be brief.
Personally I would find the prospect of a stranger staying with a relatively young baby and returning to study/placement unbearable. Your DH needs to put you and baby first here.

Can your husband not go to the friend or will business be over & he will have no accommodation by then?

All other things aside-you don't really have room so it's a bloody cheek to want to sleep on a sofa (?) for a week.

He's got until July to save to stay somewhere if he's told now that he can't be put up!

Also-will your husband be taking time off?

If not, will the friend be sitting in your flat all day?

Alberta's right, let him come but disappear. Be over effusive on first meeting so that you don't look stand offish, then just do your own thing.

She's not being 'horribly unreasonable'. She's prepared to have the friend stay for 3 nights after all, he says that's 'not worth his while'. That's an unwillingness to compromise on her DH's friend's part.

Her DH should have spoken to her first before inviting his friend to stay for a week. That's basic courtesy, surely?

We've had the normal MN AIBU pile on of YABUs.

I get it sounds stressful, and he should have checked...but you're not giving him many options as it has to suit you. He can't go and visit because you want him at home, can't have him to visit because it'll be stressful. I think a compromise needs to be found, and 4 days or whatever sounds sensible. If you are not there then the husband will be needing to do everything.

I don't understand why anyone would want to stay with a couple and a baby in a 2 bed flat for a whole week. If I was DH's friend I'd feel really awkward, especially if I didn't even know one half of the couple. I would have thought two nights would be a good compromise and friend will probbly have had enough of sleeping on the sofa by then anyway.

I think your being selfish he wants to see his friend after 5 years.
If you set this precedence in your relationship that what you want matters more than his when he also pays half the bill's it isn't an equal relationship.
Get your DH to do the baby for 2 weeks before the friend arrives so you can get the course work finished and sent in. Also a 10 month old child can have a very different sleep pattern to now.

YANBU at all! What is your DH thinking, of all the weeks.

Your first week returning to placement, 14 hour shifts, you and baby adjusting to the change, you studying as well and you have a small 2 bed flat. You need your DH's full support that week and you don't have room for his friend at home.

Let's face it, if he comes your DH isn’t going to do all the housework and cooking, is going to be entertaining his friend and you'll be left doing everything. Perhaps I'm being unfair but part of me wonders if your DH rather likes the idea of having a reason to be unavailable for hours long shifts settling baby.

If he and his friend are that bothered about seeing eachother they'll make something work with the friend staying close by for one or two nights.

Just say no.

If you set this precedence in your relationship that what you want matters more than his when he also pays half the bill's it isn't an equal relationship

But it’s fine for what husband wants to matter more? How the bills are split is irrelevant. They obviously aren’t even that close as friend cannot be bothered to get the train unless he gets to stay all week.

Perhaps you are over thinking this. If he booked a train ticket well in advance, he would get a cheap deal. Try trainline. He could look into cheap car hire, could your DH collect him part of the way? Stock up the freezer with ready meals. Alternate each week by one meal or snacks/nibbles/ putting a fiver away for a takeaway etc. You will have everything by then and tell DH he is in charge.

As someone who lives abroad and visits, I am always want (usually fail) to cram in as much as possible. I am sure your DH's friend will want to catch up with other friends, see places, visit okd haunts, go out for the takeaways he can't get where he lives. There is a possibility they will be out most of the time. Same with the eating. On an recent trip back to the UK I had fish and chips twice, one Indian and one Chinese in a week. When I lived there it was probably that in a year.

I think your DH was unreasonable not running it by you but by the same token if he is excited....... Look at it another way. If he comes over whilst things are up in the air and your baby is not settled - its better than just getting her into to a routine and nicely settled. Its not for long. You'll be fine.

Her DH can't be out with his friend most of the time for the week though, he needs to be on hand to look after their baby. Otherwise OP is going to be doing 14 hour nursing shifts on little to no sleep which is inadvisable to say the least.

I think the problem you will face is that your DH will expect to go out every night with this man as he's only there for a few days- just as you need DH to step up the parenting, he'll be buggering off out.

It'll only work if your H accepts that he'll need to take on the cooking / cleaning up/ childcare even if that means friend is stuck indoors in front of the TV- but that's not much fun for the friend either TBH.

How much of your dissertation needs to based on placement-related evidence? It'd be worth gettting out of the way before placements recommence if you can.

Bloody hell, its been FIVE years! Start addressing the sleep/nap thing now and you'll be fine when you go back. Imagine if your DH said you couldn't have friends to stay, its his home too.