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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared by this?

28 replies

Slightlyconfuddled · 24/03/2018 05:38

Nc as v outing.

I've been asked by my Dad if I would accept Power of Attorney for him. Both health and finances.

I totally accept why he's asked me, Mum died and my brother was Executor and gave away or sold her personal items very quickly, just because he could. Mum and I had been low contact for years. We reconciled a few weeks prior to her death, and I was with her 24/7 in the final fortnight, whereas my brother was partying on the other side of the world and refused to cut short his holiday to deal with her affairs after she died. (She and Dad had been divorced ~20 yrs).

No problem with him being Executor, just the way he dealt with it. No estate, lots of debts, yet I got slammed by him for notifying bank etc of her death (she got disability payments) as he was out of country for almost a month after.

He basically gave away most of her personal items within 24hrs of arriving home, citing "I am Executor, I can".

It left a very bad taste, and he was very spiteful in front of Dad, something he had always been careful to avoid previously (to not be badly thought of).

Fast forward to now and Dad is putting his affairs in order as he is retiring. He said, when all this happened, that he was disgusted with my brother and don't want the same to happen when he died.

He's asked me if I will accept Power of Attorney on both health and money matters. AFAIK it will be me alone.

I'm ok with that. I certainly wouldn't be spiteful (I had no input on funeral for Mum and so forth) and Dad knows this.

My aibu is...Dad has grafted hard and been lucky enough to be in the right place and got some cracking property deals. He's savvy with cash. With luck he should be with us for many years, he's certainly in rude health.

I've had many years of menial jobs. No backup savings, pension etc. I truly have little clue for tax planning etc.

I'm scared at the responsibility he's giving me. Aibu?

Do I trust that if the worst happens he has his wishes in writing? Do I need legal advice? This has been a bolt from the blue and I really don't know how to take it in or discuss it with him further tbh without sounding grabby ie what do you want to happen to your cash and assets?.

OP posts:
Justanotherzombie · 24/03/2018 05:44

Most people have no clue about this stuff. If the situation arises, you find out. And yes, you talk to your DF about his wishes. Just ask him what he expects from you if you have power if attorney!

mixture · 24/03/2018 05:49

I don't think you should be worried, rather, take it as a starting point to learn about all these things and also look into your own pension savings and backup savings etc. just because it might be a good idea for the future to have gone over these things also for yourself. If things would come to the worst (dad dying tomorrow, being run over by a car) you could get legal advice then - if it would happen - but if things go as planned (dad being around for a great many years) you simply ask your dad to go over things with you and also perhaps to look into your own situation together as he seems pretty savvy with cash and finances as you say, and probably has a lot to teach you.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 24/03/2018 05:52

Just say yes you’ll do it and worry about the details later. Theres lots of information out there about the process. Your brother was grabby. You’re not. Nothing to worry about

LML83 · 24/03/2018 05:54

Power of attorney is a very good idea if your brother is not considerate. If your dad were too ill to manage his affairs you wouldn't want brother to do it. Hopefully never an issue and if it is I would worry he would not put dad's interests first. Seems you would, I think that's all you need at this point. Can figure out anything else if needed.

malovitt · 24/03/2018 06:18

My father asked me to be his Lasting Power of Attorney for both health and finance about eight years ago. It has to be organised whilst the 'donor' still has mental capacity, something which your father obviously has now. It was an absolute godsend when my father developed dementia. Everything was already in place for me to make decisions on his behalf when he was no longer capable.

Check the government website here. Lasting power of attorney

StealthPolarBear · 24/03/2018 06:20

Sure he'll still have a will and that will say what his wishes are?

GreatThingsWork · 24/03/2018 06:27

There are 2 sorts of power of attorney, one for health and the other for finances. Talk to your DF and find out exactly what he wants. It will be a comfort to him. I went through a similar situation with a grabby brother and DM wanted to be assured things would be done properly and in her best interests. It didn't quite work out as she would have hoped, but luckily she never knew.

turnipfarmers · 24/03/2018 06:27

I'd do it, we are having no end of problems because we didn't do it for my mother.

malovitt · 24/03/2018 06:29

My father wanted to have the LPA in place because of the experience of some friends of ours.
His friend, mid sixties, has a catastrophic stroke and couldn't speak or communicate. He had no LPA in place. His children were not able to access his bank account to pay his bills, even though we all knew that he would have been happy to let them do so. His children had to pay his bills from their own pockets (they could barely afford this) for over a year whilst the Court of Protection investigated them to ascertain whether they were suitable people to look after his affairs. It was a nightmare. Having a LPA set up 'just in case' would take away that uncertainty. Our solicitor says he advises everyone to get one as soon as they get to sixty. It doesn't come into force until needed.

bimbobaggins · 24/03/2018 06:42

It sounds as though your dad is quite sensible, by getting his affairs in order however I would ask him if he has a will in place so you can ensure his wishes are carried out.

I only arranged my own will last year (in my forties) and apart from about two other people, everyone I spoke to doesn’t have wills. The reasons ranging from too young and nothing will happen to them, don’t need it etc

ImaginaryCat · 24/03/2018 06:53

You will be fine, I promise. My mum died in November but for a year prior to that I had PoA in operation and was running her life from a distance.

I gave her an allowance in one bank account she still had access to. I locked her out of the other (the bank cancelled her card and had flags on the account that nothing could happen without my authority), and from that I managed her incomings and outgoings.

I was able to set up additional support, like meal deliveries and a laundry service, so I knew people were checking in on her daily. And when the time came I had the authority to put her in a home. She was furious with me but that's the problem with dementia, she didn't recognise the danger she'd become to herself and others. That's why the court trustee me to know better.

So it's really not that difficult, and the bits you don't know, you learn. There's plenty of info online and forums like this with people going through the same thing. You've got this!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/03/2018 06:54

I think your dad is being very sensible.
Yes, it's a responsibility, but if anything were to happen to your dad so that he couldn't manage his own affairs, it could be a nightmare. You then have to go to the Court of Protection which takes a long time and is expensive.
I know of quite a few people who've had nightmares like this after a parent developed dementia, there was no P of A in place and the parent (who was e.g. arranging with dodgy tradesmen to have totally unnecessary work done to the house, or was giving loads of money to some sponging relative who saw them as a soft touch) refused to allow it.

malovitt · 24/03/2018 06:55

When you have an LPA it is for use whilst your father is still alive but incapable of handing his affairs. When you act for him, it must be in the way that he would have acted if he still had mental capacity. You can't start spending his money on things he wouldn't have bought himself.
I documented everything I did and spent on his care and kept all receipts and invoices to cover myself.

Just ask him what he would like you to do if the time comes. My father wrote everything down which made everything so much easier. Don't be scared. It's a really sensible thing to do and as a previous poster said, saves an absolute nightmare in the future.

littlevoiceofsanity · 24/03/2018 07:15

I've just done this with my Mum. She is in perfect health but it is a safeguard for her as she knows I will only do what I think she wants and always with her best interest at heart. You will be fine and there is a lot of help and advice out there. All the best.

FinallyHere · 24/03/2018 07:36

Accept, and gracefully. As others have already written, you can talk to him now, make sure he has a will , that you are named as executor in it and you understand his intentions. Get a notebook and down anything he mentions, so you have everything together and don't have to worry about forgetting anything. Its never a good time, but if he has any wishes for his funeral, style or service, flowers etc now is the time to write down his wishes.

He clearly trusts you to see to his wishes, which must be a relief for him, given your recent family history, that he has you. It is literally the last thing you can do for anyone on Earth. Start googling and ask questions, so you get everything clear in your own head. It really is simple , really but something we none of us can do for ourselves.

OnTheRise · 24/03/2018 08:03

Your dad wouldn't do this if he didn't trust you and think you capable.

Perhaps you could ask him if there are any special things he'd like you to do under specific circumstances, so that you feel better prepared?

MakeItRain · 24/03/2018 08:13

As long as you both realise that Power of Attorney stops at his death, and that if you are concerned about what may happen then he still needs to name you as Executor of his will. Sorry if that's obvious to you, but I'd always mistakenly believed that POA meant you could deal with finances after death too.

mrsreynolds · 24/03/2018 08:14

I'm POA for my mum

I'm far from the favoured child but fundementally I'm the only one she trusts

The POA will only come into force if your dad lacks capacity for whatever reason

MrsEricBana · 24/03/2018 08:20

You can agree to do this now and take advice in the event that it has to be used or even decline to do it if you aren't in a position to do it yourself when the time comes. I have LPA in place for three older relatives and they have had to specify their general wishes on the health forms e.g. no attempts at resuscitation to be made if recovery / return to good health is unlikely. The overriding premise is that you are acting in their best interests and they have trusted you to act on their behalf if they cannot, so I am hoping that if it comes to it I'll just handle their affairs as I'd like mine to be handled. I suppose the bottom line is that if you don't have LPA you'll still have to do these things but as others have said, it'll be very hard as you won't be legally allowed to, for example, access his bank account to pay a bill for him etc. It will give him great assurance if you agree to this, especially after what happened to your poor mum.

MrsEricBana · 24/03/2018 08:21

Yes good point about still needing yo be executor as well.

Hoppinggreen · 24/03/2018 08:25

It’s basically an insurance policy to say that you can handle his affairs IF he can’t
If the need to use it arises you can still ask his opinion on things but decide what to do
What happens after his death is totally unrelated as the LPA will end once he dies
I have one for my Mum and Stepdad because basically they don’t trust my brother ( quite rightly). I hope never to have to use it but if I do then I can make decisions without having t apply to Court
Its one of things that if you wait until it’s necessary it’s too late

nokidshere · 24/03/2018 09:00

I had POA for my mother in law which we set up when she retired at 65. She died aged 96 without us ever having to use it.

You might never need it, but it's an absolute must in case you do, otherwise you will be tied up in red tape when trying to help.

whiteroseredrose · 24/03/2018 09:04

Agree with previous posters. If something happens you'd like to help him. The POA just makes it easier. My parents have just done the financial one and are thinking about health. A friend had a stroke which scared them I think. My mum had POA for my gran and things were much easier for her because of it. They've shown me where they keep all the documents etc. and we've had to have 'those' type of conversations but you can't Bury your head in the sand. Next stop is Funeral plans so that I can concentrate on Executor stuff.

Silvercatowner · 24/03/2018 09:29

Much much better to have these things in place before it is needed, rather than having to make arrangements in an emergency situation.

MellyPapa · 24/03/2018 09:41

Apologies if you know all of this, wasn't clear from your OP. I work in Law (though not as a solicitor), and many people get the roles of Executor and Attorney confused.

POA and Will are NOT the same thing.

Both have to be put in place while the person still has mental capacity. But the POA will cease to be valid at the time of death. The Will comes into play and it is the nominated executor that deals with the administration of the estate. The executor will only get something from the estate if they are also named as a beneficiary of the estate in the Will.

Your dad should use a law firm to draw up his Will. They will give advice on the various implications of his decisions and look at whether Inheritance Tax planning etc may be useful. You can go to the meeting with him to help your understanding. The solicitor may ask you to step out of the room to make sure of your dad's wishes (this is totally normal, but also not always necessary).