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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sh*tting myself about this wedding?

49 replies

JeniJeniJeni · 24/03/2018 00:57

Bit of context: I’ve been with my partner about six months, and have just been invited as a plus one to his friend’s wedding (last minute). It’s in May. Which is all very exciting, but there are a few things I’m completely papping myself about:

Firstly, I know no one except my partner, and a friend of his who’s also going, who i’m Fairly sure hates me.

Secondly: said friend who hates me has been with her partner for years but they were not invited. Gulp.

Third: wtf is the etiquette for cards/presents etc? He’s planning to give cash in a card as couple aren’t doing a registry. Don’t want to steal his thunder by signing said card as I won’t be chipping in (will I?!) but also it’s weird to write my own card if I don’t know the couple, right?

I think I’m being over anxious here but I just really want my partner’s friends to think I’m normal...! Help?!

OP posts:
Sakurasnail · 24/03/2018 01:09

  1. It's pretty usual not to know many ppl if invited as plus one in a relatively new relationship. Try and use it as an opportunity to get to know your dp's friends? Possibly apart from...
  1. The not so friendly friend. Ignore as far as possible.
  1. Of course you should be chipping in if you're going. And if you're chipping in, you sign the card. Speak to dp about it.

And enjoy Smile

lalalalyra · 24/03/2018 01:09

Sign the card with your partner, it's none of the couple's business how Mary and Fred spilt (or didn't split) the cash in the card. If you feel bad chip £20 into the amount with your partner. Individual cards would be weird I think.

Make sure he introduces you to other people on the day so you don't only know hime and the other person.

Try not to think too much about her partner not being invited. There will be a reason why.

Original poster
JeniJeniJeni · 24/03/2018 01:18

‘There will be a reason why’...ominous much? Grin

But seriously, thanks both for advice. Will discuss the money thing with DP. I don’t want him to think I’m being cheap but I’m brassic at the mo and will have to fork out for hotel, getting there (it’s in Wales and I’m up North), outfit... think I’m worrying excessively as I’m 22 and this will be the first wedding of non-family I’ve been to...!!!!

OP posts:
Bundlesmads · 24/03/2018 01:23
  1. It’s a really great opportunity to meet DPs friends. You’ll be seated at a table with other guests that you can chat to during the meal, and after that it doesn’t matter coz you’ll all be pissed.
  1. Not your problem
  1. You should sign his card as you are his plus one. Anything else would be weird. Have fun.
eridanus · 24/03/2018 01:26

you are really being over anxious. If you are invited as a plus one, you give the card together. I am irish, so it is very simple for all the weddings I have been to - 200 quid (euros) in an envelope, invited as a couple; 100 if you are single. No doubt there will be people on here bitching about that. This registry shite is real american and really odd to be honest.

You will be placed at a table as a couple with about 6 other people; some couples mix strangers together, some just put school.friends together, college friends together etc; she is not going to be just the only person to deal with that night. Stop worrying. You might get put beside someone really nice or someone really self-involved (last 2 weddings for me, jesus) but you will be fine and if you feel someone does not like you, kill them with kindness and a listening ear and yawn into your hand.

NotTheFordType · 24/03/2018 01:59

Other people's weddings are hell. Just tell your BF that it's not your scene. Job done!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 24/03/2018 02:02

...and breathe.

Is the ‘I’m sure she hates me’ friend an ex or a wanna be gf? If not, what’s her problem? Anyway, just ignore her.

You’re going as his +1, he can put a bit extra in the card if he wants to, but it’s not necessary for you to. No one expects a +1 to double the value of the present or take a separate present.

As he would have been going anyway, surely he doesn’t expect you to pay to stay in his hotel room or for petrol? When I’ve taken a new +1 I’ve never expected it to cost them anything, except maybe a round of drinks.

You’re going to his friends wedding as his guest, not in your own right, it’s up to him to ‘look after you’. All you need to do is turn up nicely dressed and be prepared to have a nice time.

I’d say this if you were the bloke going to your new girlfriends friends wedding too. It’s p not about m/f, it’s about being the guest of a guest.

You’re 22. You’ve never met any of them. Surely you already have a dress you can wear? There’s no need to buy something new. If you want to, then do, but it doesn’t have to be expensive.

RB68 · 24/03/2018 02:30

I agree get onto booking a cheaper hotel nearby if you can, card add £20 or even 10 to cash in card and dress up something you already have clothes wise or borrow from someone.

SeaWitchly · 24/03/2018 06:48

Gosh so interesting to read about the differences in expectation regarding how much money to put in a card for the bride and groom....

So PP has said 200 euro for a couple, 100 euro each presumably and another has said £10 - £20 Confused
To me one estimation seems too high and the other far too low...
Personally I would be putting £100 for a couple [£50 each].

Interested to know what others think and do...

But otherwise OP, go to the wedding, ignore the sour faced and jealous 'best friend' and have a wonderful time!

SeaWitchly · 24/03/2018 06:52

By the way, I would put £100 for both me and DH if the bride and groom were either acquaintances or friends... However I would probably put £200 for a family member or really close friend.

Ihatemyclients · 24/03/2018 07:02

Deffo sign DP's card, he won't mind about you not chipping in if you're broke and the couple don't have to know you didn't contribute to the cash.

Don't worry about not knowing anyone - that's very common at weddings and everyone gets chatting and friendly at the table. Your DP will introduce you to his friends and it will be a nice chance to meet them.

Also don't worry about the friend who hates you, or his partner. It already sounds like there is some drama there which is nothing to do with you, so don't feel bad about it! Just be friendly and polite to the friend but keep your distance if you need to.

Have fun!

PixieDust100 · 24/03/2018 07:04

Don’t worry about the people who don’t like you and yes chip in with some money and put your name in the card.

sandgrown · 24/03/2018 07:10

Went to a work colleague's wedding at last minute when someone dropped out. I had only met I the women I was sat with once before. I had a lovely day and a nice meal but I did make the effort to chat to people on my table.

ittakes2 · 24/03/2018 07:24

yes over anxious - just sit down and think how many people get invited to weddings as partners and therefore don't know other people. Its very common! Your partner is going - relax and have a good time,

PlumsGalore · 24/03/2018 07:25

200 euros per wedding, eeek! Glad we have a small family 😀

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/03/2018 07:30

Re the card signing - never ever heard of individual people signing cards - plain weird.

His friends, his responsibility to deal with all gift buying and cards. You are going as his plus one guest. You don't buy anything, other than a new hat!

JennyOnAPlate · 24/03/2018 07:36

If you're that skint why are you going at all? I would be declining the invite to a wedding that was going to cost me a fortune in travel/hotels etc unless it was a close friend who was getting married.

ForlornWanderer · 24/03/2018 07:48

This registry shite is real american and really odd to be honest Bit rude, it's just the norms in a different country. Personally, I think 200 euros in a card for every wedding is a lot of money and I would never give that, but I'm not Irish, so appreciate this is how it is in Ireland, doesn't make it 'shite' or 'odd'.

OP, like the others have said, don't worry about the friend's partner not having been invited, it's not your problem, try and chat to people and contribute something to the money in the card and sign it with your partner, you're his plus one so of course you would do a joint card/gift.

user1471426142 · 24/03/2018 12:57

Your still quite young to be doing the wedding circuit which is why it might seem a bit scary. Once you hit your late 20s you’ll be going to loads and know exactly what to do. It is harder going as a plus one when you don’t know many people (and especially if you don’t actually know the bride and groom) but others will be in the same boat. I’ve got a wedding later in the year where I’ll know lots of the guests but have never met the bride or groom. You’ll have weddings like that that crop up throughout your life so you’re unlikely to be the only one that is a bit nervous.

It is totally normal to sign a card jointly or for family units to do one card. Before I had a joint account with my husband he would have paid for the gifts for his side and vice versa but the gifts would have been joint. We generally do £50 from us both or gifts to that value. I would do more for close relatives or very close friends and have done less for evening only.

You’ll get a feel about what is normal in your circle. We’d be considered super tight for an Irish wedding but I also had plenty of friends that didn’t get me anything because they couldn’t afford it. I was genuinely happy to have them there and really didn’t care about presents.

Midnightpony · 24/03/2018 13:02

Irish people tend to give way more in the wedding card than English people. When an English friend of mine mentioned putting a tenner in someone's card I nearly choked on my drink. Then I told her how much we put in and she nearly choked!

I think Irish weddings are more formal and expensive in general, I've heard of English weddings being sandwiches in a pub. I wouldn't give €200 for that although it sounds lovely and relaxed!

None of which helps you OP! Sorry...

NFATR · 24/03/2018 15:18

So PP has said 200 euro for a couple, 100 euro each presumably and another has said £10 - £20 confused..To me one estimation seems too high and the other far too low

But why are you comparing two different currencies and cultures as if they are the same?
You think 200 euro is a lot but do you know what that is in pounds and how its relative to what people earn and what is usual in their culture?

MadMags · 24/03/2018 15:24

€200 is roughly around £150.

I’m always agog reading English wedding threads because Irish people are far, far more generous in general, I think. I had a smallish wedding but still got minimum €100 from everyone and likewise, I’ve been to smaller weddings than mine but given €200.

My English cousins gave €50 between about six of them 😂 but a present is a present and was gratefully received.

Anyway, OP if it’s too new for you to sign the same card, I’m sure a bottle of bubbly as a contribution would be welcomed and appreciated.

agentdaisy · 24/03/2018 15:41

200 euro is roughly £175 and is a ridiculous amount unless you're rolling in it. I agree that Irish weddings are usually huge and quite formal, at least in my experience (thankfully) as a child. Imo you should give what you can afford to give and all this "you have to cover the cost of your plate or not go" is bloody ridiculous. I'd have been upset if friends hadn't come to my wedding because of a daft 'rule' like this.

OP you've been invited as a plus one so sign the card with your OH, maybe chuck a tenner in if you really feel you need to. Wear something you already have that is suitable and surely your OH would already be paying for a hotel room and petrol as he's going so it should at most cost you half.

NFATR · 24/03/2018 15:47

200 euro is roughly £175 and is a ridiculous amount unless you're rolling in it

But it isn't. 200 euro is not 200 pounds, even when you convert it, theres more to it than that. It's not for you to say anyway.

stellarfox · 24/03/2018 15:54

Try not to worry and enjoy yourself! Are you going to the eve or all day? You won't be the only plus 1 there and because of the nature of weddings, lots of different friends and family go, so not everyone knows each other. Your partner will introduce you to friends so nothing to worry about. You can tell him not to leave you alone if you're a bit anxious.

Definitely sign your partner's card, it would be weird for you to write your own card as you're a plus 1. Do not think you have to put in large sums of money as one previous poster said, they are very generous but that amount is not expected. Depending on how well you know them maybe go for £20-40? I would leave this to your partner though as you are just his plus 1!