AIBU to be sh*tting myself about this wedding?

[JeniJeniJeni]

Bit of context: I’ve been with my partner about six months, and have just been invited as a plus one to his friend’s wedding (last minute). It’s in May. Which is all very exciting, but there are a few things I’m completely papping myself about:

Firstly, I know no one except my partner, and a friend of his who’s also going, who i’m Fairly sure hates me.

Secondly: said friend who hates me has been with her partner for years but they were not invited. Gulp.

Third: wtf is the etiquette for cards/presents etc? He’s planning to give cash in a card as couple aren’t doing a registry. Don’t want to steal his thunder by signing said card as I won’t be chipping in (will I?!) but also it’s weird to write my own card if I don’t know the couple, right?

I think I’m being over anxious here but I just really want my partner’s friends to think I’m normal...! Help?!

Just to add, you can put a bit of cash in the card and get a bottle of prosecco in a nice gift bag so it feels like you're giving a bit more but not breaking the bank!

I've always been pretty skint, my friends know this and still invite me to their weddings clearly knowing me and DH can't give them £100 etc. We put £20 in a card, wear the same outfits to multiple weddings and try to not stay over unless we really have to (ie a taxi would be more than a hotel room).
Most of our friends are in similar situations, none of us expect much from each other but their presence on our special day.
I know at our wedding our friends gave small amounts in cards or a bottle of fizz. It was the older relatives (who are all significantly better off) who gave the larger amounts of money/vouchers etc. Didn't change our views on any of them.

Go to the wedding, get him to introduce you to his friends on the day, or beforehand if possible, wear something you already own, chip in a small amount to the card fund if you can afford to.

Let him sign the card from both of you, don’t worry that you’re not contributing to the present, you don’t owe them anything as your partner is giving them a gift.
Enjoy the party , you’ll soon get chatting with other guests, unless you’re painfully shy. As for the people who haven’t been invited, not your problem, don’t give them a second thought.

As far as the money goes I always think you are getting a meal out and probably some entertainment so you should put in about what you would spend on that according to your budget. . Say about £50 a head.

What I would do in this situation is contribute something to the gift, sign the card, and then get really drunk so you become best friends with everyone by the end of the night.

I knew absolutely none of DH's friends when we first got together (we were engaged and moved in within 2 weeks) and this strategy has worked pretty well

As @stellarfox has pointed out just a bottle of prosecco in a gift bag would be welcomed!!

In your "firstly" and "secondly" how can the said friend be the only person you know besides your DP and also "with her partner years" but they weren't invited??? Or am I reading that wrong???

Is it just me that thinks that €200 is crazy? Getting married isn't about getting cash. Let your partner decide what he wants to give. Weddings where you don't know people are tedious. Try and enjoy it and behave as you would hope that he would when you invite him to a wedding where he knows noone.

Is it just me that thinks that €200 is crazy?

Are you Irish, living in Ireland, earning an Irish salary and used to Irish weddings? If not, why are you commenting as if your opinion means anything?

Don't worry about it, or the friend. Maybe the people getting married don't like her partner.

I was invited as a plus one to a wedding of my boyfriends friend last year. Didn't know anyone except him, still had fun and met some of his friends. He hardly knew anyone either to be honest.

Most couples put £40 in a card at my wedding. I would have been happy with nothing and embarrassed by the £100-200 some posters are suggesting.

Please don't take any notice of that. You are not being invited so that the happy couple can make a profit.

My mum (almost 80 now) used to tell us to five what would cover the meals of the people invited.

So for two people when I got married (20 years ago!) £40 would have been a generous gift (I'm in NI - my wedding cost £10.50 pet head at a beach side hotel!)

However, these days the cost per head can be anything from £50 upwards so I can understand why cash gifts increase too.

Go to the wedding, be friendly and chat to people. I'm not sure how good the advice to get drunk was - and I'm Irish

But it isn't. 200 euro is not 200 pounds, even when you convert it, theres more to it than that. It's not for you to say anyway.

She didn’t say it was and she has as much right to comment as anyone else.

Not really. It's not ok to comment on what people in other cultures do with their money when you don't even know what the money is worth in relative terms, or what the norm is.

JeniJeniJeni You are just as good as anyone else at this wedding. Don't worry about the impression you make on your bf's family and friends. What about the impression they make on you?

It's meant to be a celebration. Try to have an attitude of 'Great, we're off for a meal and a party' and try to just be interested in seeing what the guests are like rather than worrying about getting it right.

OP, sign your DPs card and inly contribute what you can / want to in terms if cash.
Fwiw as a single person I give £20 in a card as a rule at weddings. I can’t afford to give more, and I don’t think it’s necessary. As for the ‘cover the cost of your dinner’ thing, that would mean I never go to any weddings. If the bride and groom decide on an expensive venue, surely that’s not my problem to then cough up the dosh for it?

This thread is getting so argumentative!

@NFATR why are you being so aggressive?? Those commenting obviously don't know the Irish culture so it's perfectly reasonable to question it!

OP Have a few wines, get to know those on your table and relax! Have a laugh, have a dance in the evening. Weddings are a happy occasion and have no need to cause any stress or anxiety especially when it's not a close relative wedding!!!! Let your partner sign the card for you both, offer a contribution to his present if you want to. (My husband and I usually put in £50 from us both) It's fine either way. You and your OH will have been together 8 months by then, in my head that's a serious relationship that doesn't require this much angst about etiquette! Just ask him what to do. And ignore friend who 'hates you' or just be nice to her, she might not have any feelings either way and you could end up friends. JUST CHILL!!!!

It's defensive, not aggressive. Can you not tell the difference?

It isn't ok to say "this is wrong/too much/excessive/silly" when you don't understand what you are talking about. But clearly you don't even understand whats wrong with judging what you don't understand, so you probably should just not even bother talking at all.

NFATR I think it's you who doesn't understand the difference between aggressive and defensive. I imagine you don't realise it, but your posts are definitely coming across as the former, not the latter.

OP, don't stress. Follow your DP's lead. Suggest you chip in and sign the card. Get there early and make sure he introduces you to friends, I'm sure you'll soon relax and have a good time.

@NFATR wow! Such an over reaction... again. Why care so much if people don't agree with your way of doing things. No one has been rude to you. You are absolutely ridiculous. 😂

Op just sign the card. Bf and I went to a friend of mines wedding when we were dating even less (she invited him). He payed the hotel for two nights and i sorted the card.
Another Irish person here, so previous poster is correct about money. Usually 150-200e if a couple. Single is usually 100-150. Tend to give family members more. My sister is getting married next year so will prob give her 300/400.

Enjoy the wedding! I only knew a few at the above wedding and bf had only met two of them. He had a fantastic time. Dont worry about the dress either, have a peek on asos etc. I have often got dresses at bargain prices there.

Is it Harry & Meghan's?!!

OP, I totally understand being anxiour about not knowing people. To be hoenst, it would probably mean I wouldn't go. But that's so silly. Go, smile, relax (drink enough to chill you out and not too much to make you act out!) and you'll probably have a fabulous time.

NFATR - I'm so curious but don't want to be rude. 100-200 Euros+ really does seem like a huge amount as a standard expectation (is that regardless of relationship to the marrying couple?) and I don't really understand how it can seem like a smaller amount than it is to Irish people. Don't explain if you don't want to but I'm really interested - what do poor people do about weddings? Are people in Ireland generally much more affluent or something? Or is there an inflation problem so that 200 euros isn't worth all that much?? I can't really get my head round it.

I thought you're supposed to give the amount the meal is + whatever more you want to.

Is that not the same in uk/irl?

My best friends wedding I did 100e albeit I paid about 500e for flights home. Haha.

My parents gave my best friends 200e.

Not everyone even gave them money though! AND it was an Irish wedding (I'm Irish). So I wouldn't say all Irish are that generous to be fair.

Same in UK, same in Ireland, whatever