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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban partners mother from my son's birthday

35 replies

samwormy91 · 24/03/2018 00:04

This year my son turns 4, I really don't want my partners mother to spoil it again..... his first birthday we moved house the day before and he didn't really have a birthday (still makes me sad but circumstances at the time couldn't be helped) and she complained about what other people would think because there was no party with his nan there (not sure why people would care let alone know) his second birthday she turned up at my house made my family uncomfortable and made my sister move out of the chair, and then went and told another family member (who had already told us they weren't going to be in the area for his birthday) that we had thrown a party for him and she wasn't invited so that caused a hoo har (again no party and if they're not in the area anyway why the issue) and then last year she came round my house didn't even acknowledge my son, he was trying to show her new toys and she blatantly ignored him, kicked off big time because my mom and sisters came round and complained at how much she spent on my son and felt uncomfortable because I had invited my mom round (I actually didn't invite her she happened to just pick us up that day and I expected her to come in)..... we were already planning a meal out 2 days after his birthday.... the Sunday came and she had a 'cough and couldn't attend turns out she could attend bingo at the bottom of our road though. We bought this up with her and she justified the whole thing because my mom came round on his birthday.... i am aware my son is only 4 and doesn't have a clue about all his other birthdays but i still want his birthday to be a nice occasion for him..... I may also point out there's been alot more issues regarding her and the way she treats my son. I tolerate alot because she's his nan and he's none the wiser but when he's older I really don't want this toxic woman to get her grubby mitts on my child. Would you can get from his birthday? How would you do it so she didn't go bitching to every Tom, dick and Harry

OP posts:

Sarsparella · 24/03/2018 00:07

What does your partner have to say about her behaviour? She sounds a nightmare & very draining, don’t invite her and get him to talk to her

KeepServingTheDrinks · 24/03/2018 00:12

Is your partner also the parent of your child?

Your OP is hard to read. But I do get that you're angry.

I think his b.day is a bit of a non-issue because previously he'd have been too young to have cared very much, and in a year or so, it'll all be about his friends.
However, i'm sure you'll still do family parties. It sounds like you have more of an issue about your DP making things clear to his mother. Is that not the crux of it?

Custardo · 24/03/2018 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FlibbertyGiblets · 24/03/2018 00:17

OP. What is your partner's take on matters?

Hijack: yo Custy. Long time no post, mate.

wannabestressfree · 24/03/2018 00:17

Been on the sauce @Custardo?

Custardo · 24/03/2018 00:19

always

Custardo · 24/03/2018 00:20

hi flib

worstwitch18 · 24/03/2018 00:33

Is she his grandmother?

worstwitch18 · 24/03/2018 00:34

Sorry just saw you wrote she is his nan.

worstwitch18 · 24/03/2018 00:36

If you are having a family party (not one with just his 3-4 year old friends) then I think it would be difficult not to invite her sorry.

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 24/03/2018 01:21

That is really hard to read so I'm not sure I understand the issues.

Birthday 1 - She complained there was no party? Big deal. As if he'd know. I'd just ignore
Birthday 2 - How did she make your family feel uncomfortable? And what do you mean she made your sister get out of the chair? I'd EXPECT mine to give up a seat for my MIL.
And she told another family member they weren't invited to his party even though there was no party? TBF, if there were a bunch of family over, I'd assume 'family party'
Birthday 3 - Who complained about how much who spent? It reads like your mum and sister complained about what your MIL spent? Surely not?
As for not going to dinner, it was probably a sensible move on her part so not sure what that makes the shit list.

It's up to you whether you invite her or not, as it seems like his father is absent in all this but if it is based on stuff like you've written, then yes, I think YABU

Uniglo18 · 24/03/2018 01:33

Just go out to the zoo or somewhere for the day and keep it low key.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 24/03/2018 03:35

You and your family don't like your mother in law do you?

The first birthday, I was with you, and the huh like he'd know or what the hell does it have to do with what other people think, but I can also understand Anna wanting to see their grandchild on their birthday.

Second one, it starts to be all about your family, they seem to trump her, I'm sorry but she's your sons family. Maybe she's of the opinion older people should have a seat while your of the option first come first serve, in which case prehaps you as host should have said ah my sister is sitting there mother in law let me get you another chair.
Maybe she thought because the relative that wasn't there, wasn't there they'd not been invited, I think it's fairly normal to call a family gathering to celebrate a birthday a party, again maybe you could have helped that situation by going "shame so and so couldn't come but their out of the area"

Third one yes I like wellandtruely I'm confused to who conplained about who, but again it cones over like your sister and mother are saints while you can slag off your mother in law. You expected your mother to come in but didn't like your mother in law there. Their both your sons nan.

I might agree with ignoring your son especially on his birthday is not on, especially if she's going to make a fuss about seeing him on his birthday.

Maybe because you'd made it clear she wasn't welcome on his birthday she didn't feel like she'd be welcome at the meal, were your family going to be present at that? Maybe she felt that she'd be better of playing bingo than being made to feel uncomfortable with your family.

I say this as some one who's nan on my fathers side and my half siblings nan on their fathers side, actually could be the mother in laws from hell, so much so that my half siblings refused to see their nan from the age of 6, but the tone of your post seems to display how much you don't like your mother in law and it's all about your family.

Sorry

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 24/03/2018 03:37

a nan wanting to see their grandchild on their birthday, no idea who Anna is, unless your mother in law is actually called Anna then I'm psychic

demirose87 · 24/03/2018 04:36

You should invite her unless you're willing to follow through with your actions and deal with a family fall out.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 24/03/2018 06:14

I read your op a couple of times to try and figure out where the huge issue was. All I read was a couple of points which at best deserve an eyeroll.

The most u part of this was your dm and ds bringing up how much she spent on your ds at his birthday? No wonder she had a "cough"

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/03/2018 06:23

It sounds like a big fuss over nothing really. Your son might want to see her (especially if she has a present for him). Invite her to a soft play party, all 4 year olds love that, right?

londonrach · 24/03/2018 06:37

Another not understanding what you writing. First birthday really doesnt matter. The seat thing....did you have other seats. Sounds like you dont like your sons nan. Its his birthday you cant block his nan unless shes abusive towards him or you. I get you dont like her but from what youve written (unless you missed bits out) its not that bad. At least she comes to see him. Your feelings for her are effecting this.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 24/03/2018 07:03

Will she not just drop in on his birthday anyway .
You could take him out for the day, of you could have a party at your mother's house maybe !

melonribenia · 24/03/2018 07:14

It sounds like she desperately wants to be involved in your sons life but gets upset when she sees your family more involved and doesn't deal with it properly.

Why don't you try and build bridges. For the sake your son son, partner and general peace,

DragonMummy1418 · 24/03/2018 07:18

Go out to a theme park for the day on his birthday 😊 Just you, your partner and kid/s.

Loads of great places for under 5's that aren't too expensive! 😁

My DS is adamant he wants to go to peppa pig world for his 4th birthday 🤣

flufffysockks · 24/03/2018 07:18

It sounds to me like you prioritise your family and she doesn't really get a look in?

Bluetoo1 · 24/03/2018 07:31

I think you need to toughen up and not worry if she is bitching to everyone. Stop talking to the people who are nasty. Birthday events don't have to happen on the day. What about your family visit at the weekend, DMIL is there on the day.

There are lots of different ways to celebrate, not just giant family parties. DS would enjoy any of them, I'm sure.

PlumsGalore · 24/03/2018 07:31

All sounds a bit batshit to me!

Why wouldn't you have a little get together at home for his birthday and invite everyone to come between specific hours, say 2-4, and give everyone the same invitation with the expectation that everyone's is treated the same and everyone has the same opportunity to spend the day with the little boy. Then encourage them all to go at he same time afterwards.

Oh and make sure there are enough seats for everyone!

runningoutofjuice · 24/03/2018 07:33

From the tone of your post you don't like her so whatever she does she will always be wrong. The more you marginalise her the worse her reactions will become. Her son has equal rights on who to invite to the party btw. Agree with others, do a day trip out. Let families pop in for cake and presents at other times. Don't make celebrations into exclusion zones.

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