To ban partners mother from my son's birthday

[samwormy91]

This year my son turns 4, I really don't want my partners mother to spoil it again..... his first birthday we moved house the day before and he didn't really have a birthday (still makes me sad but circumstances at the time couldn't be helped) and she complained about what other people would think because there was no party with his nan there (not sure why people would care let alone know) his second birthday she turned up at my house made my family uncomfortable and made my sister move out of the chair, and then went and told another family member (who had already told us they weren't going to be in the area for his birthday) that we had thrown a party for him and she wasn't invited so that caused a hoo har (again no party and if they're not in the area anyway why the issue) and then last year she came round my house didn't even acknowledge my son, he was trying to show her new toys and she blatantly ignored him, kicked off big time because my mom and sisters came round and complained at how much she spent on my son and felt uncomfortable because I had invited my mom round (I actually didn't invite her she happened to just pick us up that day and I expected her to come in)..... we were already planning a meal out 2 days after his birthday.... the Sunday came and she had a 'cough and couldn't attend turns out she could attend bingo at the bottom of our road though. We bought this up with her and she justified the whole thing because my mom came round on his birthday.... i am aware my son is only 4 and doesn't have a clue about all his other birthdays but i still want his birthday to be a nice occasion for him..... I may also point out there's been alot more issues regarding her and the way she treats my son. I tolerate alot because she's his nan and he's none the wiser but when he's older I really don't want this toxic woman to get her grubby mitts on my child. Would you can get from his birthday? How would you do it so she didn't go bitching to every Tom, dick and Harry

I think everyone misunderstood me sorry it was late I should of clarified alot of things it was late..... first of all there was plenty if chairs I have a large living room she wanted that particular chair....... second she complained about how much she spent on my son expecting special treatment (her actual message was along the linelines of you have no idea have much her family there made me feel uncomfortable look at how much I've spent of (child) over Christmas and birthday and look at how much you spent on me you would think you would of have invited us at different times)(something along those lines i still have the message) ...... she is always made to feel welcome in my house, I wasn't bought up to be rude (even when she is flicking cake crumbs on the floor and kicking drinks over and just leaving them then complaining about my curtains not hanging correctly) i tolerate...... there was a party last year for one her grand daughters and she asked for a picture with all of her grand children.. no exaggeration and it still makes me really angry she asked mine to move out the way...... she has never sent a text to even ask how my son is never mind see him.... she has not popped over to see him I have to ask my partner to take my son to her because he hasn't seen her x amount of weeks and we have to hope that she is in (generally they're texts/calls are about what's she's doing or partners doing or what someone else is doing) which she has asked us not to before when he was younger because he makes a mess..... when my son was first born the amount of times she would say he could possible be my partners because he didn't look like him, (my partners brother has a child who he chooses to have nothing to do with, and her response is well he hasn't got his ears so he can't be his anyway, I am in no way joking/exaggerating, she generally believes hes not her son's because of ears) .....my son's goes to nursery his best friend is jamaican/carribean (I've never thought to ask where's he's from and now I feel really ignorant a out that) she turned round to my son and gave him a big rant about how he shouldn't mix with those sort of people ..... I am aware that this is long and I do tolerate alot of things with her but his birthday is really important to me and I'm getting concerned he's going to start noticing

So organise a small soft play party and don’t tell her...

*she asked us not to bring him round because he makes a mess

That's just it I think people should be able to come round my house whenever they feel like it on his birthday, I'm not going to make appointments for people because his mom doesn't want to mix with my mother (I believe once I was told if people like her didn't buy brand new cars the likes of my mom would be able to buy a second hand one) like I said alot of issues with mother in law....
And so people don't accuse me a bullshit this is crazily how she is and I swear to god I have never seen a family like it,

OMG!

Well firstly if my MIL had doubted my son's paternity I'd have cut contact right there and then, that is disgusting from her (unless you did cheat and it's known or something similar).

Secondly - what has your partner said about it all, what does he say to his mum / to you? Does he agree she is crazy?

Thirdly - just go out for the day, take your parents with you if you want to! It's your DS birthday and how you spend it is absolutely 100% up to you!

Your second post makes it far more clear. Thought you were some mean dil totally over reacting. I apologise

I'd like to apolgise too, as i said my own nan and my step nan were/are the mother in laws from hell and having read your second post this the type of shit my step nan would pull.
She very much thinks that my step dad has married below them, and it didnt make much difference to me and my brother, but it did to my half siblings, her actual grandchildren, so much so that between the ages of 6 (4 in my sisters case) and 18 they didnt actually see her, not because their parents did anything but my brother did something after one of her visits that made it very clear he'd noticed how she treated them and didnt want to see her again.

From your second post it sounds like she thinks she shouldn't have to mix with your family, because your all below her. I would stop inviting her. As for the issue with her asking her son not to bring her grandchild around then thats her choice and if she loses her relationship with her granchild thats her fault.

Well that puts a different slant on things.

I would throw a children's party if possible e.g. at a soft play centre or with 15 little kids playing party games and eating party food. Less awkward family tensions and more reason not to invite her.

Can your partner handle it? Does he shut it down if she accuses the child of having different paternity? If he can manage discussions with her instead of you it would take a lot of street out of your life. Especially if he plans the party and then explains to her that it's just a children party etc etc

Sounds like you should go no contact with her, she's toxic and racist.

What has your partner said about the situation? You've hardly mentioned him, but whatever you decide to do, it's going to affect him.

Every time I mention it to my partner he just says it his mom and she always been like it she'll bother with him when he's older she's set in her ways... all that kind of rubbish. He understands where I'm coming from but doesn't want to argue with her. So it's in the middle of keeping away or keep making the effort but it's gone on too long and I don't want it to damage my son long term if he starts picking up on her distaste for him and my family

Hmm tricky, but he needs to put his son first.