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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t know how to save my marriage

32 replies

Needstovent · 23/03/2018 11:31

Quick backstory, three kids (youngest 5months) together and married 9 years.
I found out the day before New Years that my husband was having an affair. He was away for work when our youngest was 4 weeks old for 5 nights a week and this was how it started. He opened up and said he had switched off from our marriage, that he had lost the spark and felt I had pushed him away as I’d gained a lot of weight (pre and post pregbancy).
He recommitted to me and I decided to stay because I love him and felt we could make it work. I’ve lost the weight for myself and my health and things were seeming to be back on track however I found out he is still speaking with her and he swears it’s just as a friendship and makes me feel like I’m controlling him by asking for the contact to stop.
The last two weeks he has moved to a different room. He says it’s purely because he isn’t sleeping well and nothing else. It’s is absolutely killing me to sleep alone and I feel like I’m being punished. I keep questioning why he is still here as I feel like he really doesn’t want to be with me. He has always been stubborn and I am trying so hard to see things from his perspective.
Should I accept that he’s in a different room purely because of lack of sleep or is this a sign and I’m just trying to ignore it?

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 23/03/2018 11:32

Oh bugger.

What's he say when you talk to him? Ask him how he'd feel if the tables were turned?

gdaymatey · 23/03/2018 11:33

You don't save it. You make him leave. He's a pig.

Are you being serious that he said you pushed him away by putting on weight? Did I read that correctly?

Original poster

Needstovent · 23/03/2018 11:34

He openly says he doesn’t know what he would do if tables were turned.

OP posts:

gdaymatey · 23/03/2018 11:34

Why are you trying to see things from his perspective? Do you not realise how badly he's treating you op?

Original poster

Needstovent · 23/03/2018 11:36

Yes he did and because I was focusing so much on my career and was also away a lot for work. We had moved specifically for my job but he was also a stay at home dad until I fell pregnant and he went and got a new job

OP posts:

JeSaisPas · 23/03/2018 11:37

I think he needs to commit 100% and cut all contact with the OW and maybe even go to counselling together or call it quits.

It won't work if you're the only one who is totally committed to making it work.

How can he still be in contact with her knowing how much that would hurt you?? That shows a lack of respect for your feelings and you are the one he is supposed to care about more than anyone in the world.

Original poster

Needstovent · 23/03/2018 11:38

I do feel like there were problems prior to the infidelity and I contributed to them. I never cheated but I was not putting in any effort to our marriage and did neglect him. I don’t think that’s an excuse for his behaviour and also don’t condone what he’s done. I think leaving and being a single mum in my early 30’s scares the hell out of me

OP posts:

LearnFromThePast · 23/03/2018 11:38

I would not care if I came across as controlling, he should cut all contact with her and the fact he doesn’t see this is a worrying sign. It should be full transparency. Have you seen the messages they have exchanged as I would be asking to?

I don’t think this looks good for saving your marriage, sorry. He should be bending over backwards to fix this

Outnotdown · 23/03/2018 11:41

It reads as though you are making all the effort, and he is doing nothing. I think you need to take steps to protect yourself.

If you haven't already been to counselling together, that may be something worth exploring. But as it stands, you (with a new baby!) sound like you're trying harder than him.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 11:41

He isn't committed to saving your relationship if he's sleeping in a different room and thinks it's reasonable to stay friends with the woman he was having an affair with. I would imagine it's hard enough for a couple to get through an affair when the cheater is 100% all in so personally I think it's pretty impossible if he's not all in. Take control of your life back and kick him out.

MatildaTheCat · 23/03/2018 11:42

Unless he can see that being in touch with OW is pretty much the same as continuing the affair then there is little hope I’m afraid.

He needs to be honest with himself and you. I suggest you ask him to move out while he has these thinking sessions. Begging him to return to your room is heartbreaking. Take back some control and I promise that in the long run you will feel better for it.

Do you have RL support?

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 11:45

He openly says he doesn’t know what he would do if tables were turned.

Ugh he sounds like my dad after he had an affair, thankfully she wised up and found the courage and self worth to leave him. She did try to make it work but he acted like she should feel sorry for him because he had to give up the OW for her (for her fuck off!)

Aprilmightmemynewname · 23/03/2018 11:45

Imo he is waiting for you to end your marriage as he is too much of a coward to do it. Then he can pass the blame over to you.

Dangerousmonkey · 23/03/2018 11:47

I'm asking why he's still there. You deserve better than this dishonest, fickle fat shaming waste of energy. Stop being his doormat. If he wants his family he'll have to do way better than whinging it's all the fault of kids and weight. Kick him out. Make him grow a goddam backbone rather than playing you for a fool while he gets all the intimacy elsewhere. Cheats NEVER change it's part of their personality their real one.

Luckyme2 · 23/03/2018 11:49

I'm not sure you can save this OP. It sounds like he's checked out and I agree with pp that he's too much of a coward to be the one to end it. I'd also be worried (sorry) that the affair is actually continuing. On an emotional level if nothing else. Pack his bags. You deserve better than this.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2018 11:49

You can't save it on your own

He has trashed what you had and is now fully detaching

Let him go and find a new life for yourself. One that doesn't require you to give up your self respect

mynamesjohnnyutah · 23/03/2018 11:59

OP a marriage can only survive infidelity if the guilty spouse is the one driving the reconciliation. He should be begging you and doing absolutely everything in his power to make you feel loved and secure. If he’s not doing that you are just punishing yourself in trying to make it work.

ChristmasFluff · 23/03/2018 11:59

He isn't showing any interest in your marriage, and you really need to understand that he will do nothing to save it, and nor should you.

Chumplady.com will put you right. Stop the pick-me dance, stop waiting for him to turn into a unicorn, stop putting sparkles on poop and get back your life.

Being a single Mum in your early 30s is nothing to being alone in a marriage for 30 years and then being dropped for a younger version. The great thing is though, that you currently have the choice.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 23/03/2018 12:03

He's got you dancing about all over the place feeling shitty about yourself while he remains in contact with someone he cheated on you with. He's a disloyal, devious dick. Nothing more, nothing less. He's not a good Dad - good Dad's don't cheat. He's not a good Husband - good Husbands don't cheat. He's just a total shit.

You can't save a marriage unless both sides commit to saving and nurturing it. He's clearly not, so you need to pull up your trousers, get your finances in order and brace yourself for a final split. You owe him nothing; he's the disloyal piece of shit here, look at this from nobody's perspective but your own from now on and focus solely on yourself and your children. His needs don't need to feature on your radar one bit.

Original poster

Needstovent · 23/03/2018 12:12

When I read all the comments and even my own it’s a wake up call that’s for sure. I am actually a pretty ruthless career driven person in a high leadership job however when it comes to my personal life I’m weak. I’ve been hoping he will change but it’s been months and I still feel like the one in the wrong. I think it’s time to wake up and realise that I need to end things and deal with the hurt and be a better mum to my kids. Given his current feelings I don’t even know if he would want them on a regular basis anyway given his sleep is so important to him.
Thank you all for being kind and supportive

OP posts:

WhyteKnyght · 23/03/2018 12:13

Unfortunately you can't save a marriage by yourself. A marriage can only be saved if both spouses want to. And at the moment it sounds as if he's ambivalent at best.

Would he go for marriage counselling?

renegadebehaviour · 23/03/2018 12:13

stay because I love him and felt we could make it work

This is very telling. Not 'because we love each other' but because you love him. You've been taken for a fool, disrespected and he sounds like a world class bellend. Have a bit of self-respect and end it, I really genuinely don't get why people stay with cheats and liars.

Good luck OP, early 30's is so young - you still have plenty of time to choose the life you deserve.

Luckyme2 · 23/03/2018 12:17

I don't think his sleep is that important to him do you? I think he's feeling blue because he's had to end the affair. Just a hunch

Travis1 · 23/03/2018 12:20

He should be begging your forgiveness and doing anything in his power to make you realise he wants to save your marriage. Instead he's treating you like shit. It's not worth it. If you're in your early 30's you've got more life ahead of you than behind you. Don't waste it with this git.

Lonecatwithkitten · 23/03/2018 13:12

If I have been where you are, if he really wanted to make it work he would be doing everything in his power to make you believe he deeply regretted the affair. This would include cutting all contact with OW.
In my case and I suspect in yours he is painting self as the victim he felt unloved because you had put on weight - tosh and poppy cock he is just creating excuses. He is waiting for you to end it so that he can portray himself in a good light.
Collect evidence bank statements etc, get lawyered up. It will be hard, but your children deserve to grow up seeing their Mum treated with the respect she deserves.

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