Don’t know how to save my marriage

[Needstovent]

Quick backstory, three kids (youngest 5months) together and married 9 years.
I found out the day before New Years that my husband was having an affair. He was away for work when our youngest was 4 weeks old for 5 nights a week and this was how it started. He opened up and said he had switched off from our marriage, that he had lost the spark and felt I had pushed him away as I’d gained a lot of weight (pre and post pregbancy).
He recommitted to me and I decided to stay because I love him and felt we could make it work. I’ve lost the weight for myself and my health and things were seeming to be back on track however I found out he is still speaking with her and he swears it’s just as a friendship and makes me feel like I’m controlling him by asking for the contact to stop.
The last two weeks he has moved to a different room. He says it’s purely because he isn’t sleeping well and nothing else. It’s is absolutely killing me to sleep alone and I feel like I’m being punished. I keep questioning why he is still here as I feel like he really doesn’t want to be with me. He has always been stubborn and I am trying so hard to see things from his perspective.
Should I accept that he’s in a different room purely because of lack of sleep or is this a sign and I’m just trying to ignore it?

OP, he's trying to blame you for the affair, but I bet his feelings of being unloved by you started when this person caught his eye. It's what he's using to justify the affair.

But he made a choice. He could have opened a conversation with you to discuss everything, without having an affair. This would have been the loving and respectful thing to do.

He chose to go off and shag someone else. No one twisted his arm, he made a choice.

And now his actions shows that he doesn't really care for you at all. I'd dump him, he's showing no sign of wanting to fix the marriage, and he's the one who has to do the lion's share as he's the one who went off.

Don't go accepting all the blame, it really isn't you.

He's still talking to her and has moved to his own room? That affair is not over.

My two conditions would be he cuts contact and marriage counselling. Counselling can be useful even if you are heading for a split as they can support you through it

I'm sorry, OP, but I would bet my house that when he's in his own room at night he's messaging her.

This affair is ongoing. It will end when they decide to end it - that was the hardest lesson I learned, that you can't tell someone to end an affair and expect it to be over (in order to stay together.) It doesn't work like that.

MybrilliantDisguise are you still together and did it work out? I feel that not e Pugh effort is being put in by my husband and he is not ending the affair so he has a backup. Just curious to see if ppl can rally survive

It didn't work out, no, because eventually I was almost driven mad by him and had to leave to save my sanity.

I know some people on here have got through it, but only when the husband's admitted it (before being found out), accepts the blame, is really sorry, stops all contact, is willing to talk it through as much as the wife needs to, and makes a huge effort to reconnect.

Your husband's doing none of those things. In fact he's made a huge effort NOT to reconnect, by sleeping separately.

You are being punished for giving him that other chance. He doesn't deserve it - in fact, he's taking the piss out of you and your efforts. And - no matter what he says - there isn't a person in the world who would think voluntary contact after discovery of an affair was acceptable. It's so obvious, isn't it?

He's still in contact with her. That's a huge no. Get rid of him. He's not sorry. (Did he ever say he was?)

I would read his texts. That may make things clearer...