Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to nag OH to be around when baby arrives?

46 replies

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/03/2018 11:20

Hi everyone, I was going to NC but I thought nah bugger it.
I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant and have two children. My OH works in London and we live up North... so I’ve spent this entire pregnancy without him other than at the weekend. No friends or family within an hour or so of where I am either.
The thing is he can move up north whenever he wants, it’s a simple phone call or email to say he will be in one of the northern offices... but he won’t do it. He says every week that he will but every week he goes back to London and says he forgot to ask (this has been going on since beginning of pregnancy).
He told me before we got pregnant (as he was the overly keen one and I was the one who needed convincing) that as soon as we became pregnant he would change to the north so he could support me but he just wont and hasn’t been interested at all. He just has a thing of upduffing me it would seem . He just prefers to sit in hotel rooms rather than be home with us, and when I ask him why he says “of course i don’t prefer it” and continues to tell me he will get it changed... and then doesn’t.

I’m really fed up of mithering him and I don’t know what else I can say. My mum says I need to stop nagging him and I’m being unreasonable to expect him to move up north to support me... but I don’t think i am, as he promised he would and it doesn’t affect him anyway!
Obviously I’ve done the pregnancy bit alone but as it stands right now I’ll also be doing the birthing bit alone. And I’ll be rolled into maternity with two kids at this rate, until my mum can come and take them... she fosters children so it also depends what she’s doing and how long she can get there in.

I really don’t know what to do or say anymore. Should I just leave it and let it be?

Sorry this post is a little bit incoherent, I’m very tired today!

OP posts:

user1471459936 · 23/03/2018 11:22

Tell him to move north or to buy you all a house in London.

Smeaton · 23/03/2018 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confusedbeetle · 23/03/2018 11:23

You are tired and unsupported. Rather than nag, maybe a quiet conversation about why he wont move up. Does he enjoy some time on his own. Have you explained why you want him to move?

Original poster

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/03/2018 11:24

He has an apartment in London but the kids lives are up here so it isn’t a simple case of moving everybody down, unfortunately

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 23/03/2018 11:24

Are you so remotely based that there is no one geographically close, or have you just not met people where you are?

He obviously doesn’t want to leave- but you need practical ideas about what to do once you’re in labour.

Smeaton · 23/03/2018 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBayTree · 23/03/2018 11:28

Is the money better in London ie travel, hotel rooms, meals, London weighting all covered?

Back in the day old gimmer we also got all our laundry and drycleaning done courtesy of our employer if we were in hotels long enough, so basically we were all found, PLUS you got an inconvenience allowance per night on top of meals. I know money isnt everything but it sure helps!

Original poster

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/03/2018 11:30

@confusedbeetle I have explained why I need him here, I can talk to him until I’m blue in the face but he goes quiet and won’t respond to me. He listens but just doesn’t know what to say back to me other than agree with whatever I’m saying... but never actually does it. Which then sparks the “you’re just saying words and you won’t do it, you’re just trying to placate me” argument... of which he denies, and then that gets put in a drawer until the week after.

@smeaton because my brain is so mushy right now, I doubt I could pluck up the brain power needed to realistically do anything like breaking up. I’ve threatened before but it’s the same story, he apologises and promises and then nothing

@Scarydinosaurs we are remote, but it’s more of a case of I just don’t have any friends nearby. I’m not very outgoing so it’s just never happened. I really don’t have a plan other than call my mother and hope she can make it in good time

OP posts:

minipie · 23/03/2018 11:31

Is it a hotel or does he have an apartment?

Is his work paying for it? If so then that suggests he can't just move up north if he wants, they'd only pay for accommodation if they really need him to be in London.

If he is paying for it I cannot see how he justifies this expense if it isn't necessary.

Are the other two DC his? Are you married? Did he live in the north with you before and London is a recent thing...?

Original poster

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/03/2018 11:34

@HollyBayTree it’s not better money for him,but better for his company if he’s in London. I’ve not asked him to permanently move up north though, just for now.
And yes he gets free hotels rooms and room service and laundry etc etc, which is why he stays in hotels rather than the apartment! He gets expenses either way but he doesn’t have to cook his own food in the hotel so he does that usually.

@smeaton yeah this is how I explained it to him but he said he doesn’t want to be there he just forgets and then I get the “right, I’ll sort it out” stuff

OP posts:

WorkingBling · 23/03/2018 11:36

mini pie - his work situation is irrelevant as OP has said that his work has no problem with him being based up north. if there ARE issues, he hasn't chosen to share them with OP. Which is in itself an issue.

OP, I honestly don' know how you can fix this but I think it's ridiculous. hes clearly going to london every week because he prefers it. and is happy for you to manage all the parenting and childcare. What happens on weekends currently? Is he properly engaged and involved?

Narnia72 · 23/03/2018 11:38

I'd be sending him a very blunt message.

We've talked and talked about you moving up North, and you haven't done it. Either talk to your boss about it today, or don't come back this weekend. I have had enough.

Make it clear that you're absolutely not going to stand for this any more. It sounds really hard for you - I know the feeling of being placated with no intention of any action being taken, so I really feel for you.

user1499333856 · 23/03/2018 11:39

Have his bags packed and waiting for him tonight. Tell him to go back to his hotel until he is ready to keep his promise. Alternatively, divorce him.

Original poster

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/03/2018 11:39

@minipie he has an apartment but mostly stays in the hotel, because it’s easier and he can just finish work and order room service etc. It’s also right next to his work (although the apartment is within short walking distance! We go sometimes).
Work pay for everything though so I don’t have much to say about it.

I understand his work want him in London but they can also survive with him being up north for awhile too, there are other people who should be able to do what he does. He’s not even on as much money as the ones who can’t do it! He won’t ask for a payrise though, but that’s a whole different story.

And not married etc, although he wants to get married but I’ve always been reluctant due to communication issues. He has always lived up north, I got him this job actually but the plan was never to move down to London. It was to set up their labs and then work up here, it just hasn’t worked out like that

OP posts:

Smeaton · 23/03/2018 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laiste · 23/03/2018 11:43

Was he around for the first two DCs? Or was that pre 'london'?

I have to say that not getting married because of the perfectly good reason of communication issues but happy to have 3 kids with them is a bit arse about face. But i'm not going to lecture.

I'd be telling him it's London or me. In a nut shell.

orangesmartieseggs · 23/03/2018 11:45

I hate to be the one who says it, but are you sure he doesn't have another woman?

Laiste · 23/03/2018 11:47

I'll just say - i waited for 12 years for XH to change his shift pattern (perfectly do'able) and become more integrated in the upbringing of his kids rather than use it as an excuse to be unavailable. I asked and asked. The kids got older. I asked and asked. I tried to tell him how it was. He didn't want to know.

In the end i left him for someone else.

minipie · 23/03/2018 11:47

It sounds like it will be a difficult conversation with his work and they will be reluctant to let him move. Maybe it will damage his career path. So he's choosing to avoid that difficult conversation and instead placate you with delays. Understandable but a bit crap.

By the by I would advise you to get married unless you have your own strong career path, for your own financial protection, especially as it's quite clear your OH is going to put his career first.

HollyBayTree · 23/03/2018 11:47

And yes he gets free hotels rooms and room service and laundry etc etc, which is why he stays in hotels rather than the apartment! He gets expenses either way but he doesn’t have to cook his own food in the hotel so he does that usually.

So its financially more viable. I can see why he does it. Was he doing this before the pregnancy or is it something new?

Mousewatch · 23/03/2018 11:48

Are your other DC his aswell? Why would anyone choose to be away from their DC and f they didn't have to?

Laiste · 23/03/2018 11:52

Mousewatch - Why would anyone choose to be away from their DC and if they didn't have to?

Ha. I'll give you my XH's number and you can ask. I've never got a proper answer.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 11:53

He sounds like one of those men who thinks it is absolutely imperative that he 'passes on his genes' but doesn't actually give a shit about doing anything once said genes have been incubated and released.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2018 11:55

Has he got another woman in London. That's what would cross my mind. If not he doesn't really want to move up north to his wife and children and new baby when he gets everything done for him in a hotel. And doesn't have to lift a finger to do any childcare or chores. Don't think I'd move either.

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/03/2018 11:56

He's keeps you barefoot and pregnant

He's telling you he's not interested
It's what you intend to do with the information that's key here op

Your on your own in this, so make plans without him

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread