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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to nag OH to be around when baby arrives?

46 replies

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/03/2018 11:20

Hi everyone, I was going to NC but I thought nah bugger it.
I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant and have two children. My OH works in London and we live up North... so I’ve spent this entire pregnancy without him other than at the weekend. No friends or family within an hour or so of where I am either.
The thing is he can move up north whenever he wants, it’s a simple phone call or email to say he will be in one of the northern offices... but he won’t do it. He says every week that he will but every week he goes back to London and says he forgot to ask (this has been going on since beginning of pregnancy).
He told me before we got pregnant (as he was the overly keen one and I was the one who needed convincing) that as soon as we became pregnant he would change to the north so he could support me but he just wont and hasn’t been interested at all. He just has a thing of upduffing me it would seem . He just prefers to sit in hotel rooms rather than be home with us, and when I ask him why he says “of course i don’t prefer it” and continues to tell me he will get it changed... and then doesn’t.

I’m really fed up of mithering him and I don’t know what else I can say. My mum says I need to stop nagging him and I’m being unreasonable to expect him to move up north to support me... but I don’t think i am, as he promised he would and it doesn’t affect him anyway!
Obviously I’ve done the pregnancy bit alone but as it stands right now I’ll also be doing the birthing bit alone. And I’ll be rolled into maternity with two kids at this rate, until my mum can come and take them... she fosters children so it also depends what she’s doing and how long she can get there in.

I really don’t know what to do or say anymore. Should I just leave it and let it be?

Sorry this post is a little bit incoherent, I’m very tired today!

OP posts:

WorkingBling · 23/03/2018 11:56

I also don't understand why he can't see that at the very least he needs to be around during your due date. Surely you don't have to be a super sensitive or kind person to realise that being available to take your pregnant partner to the hospital when she goes into labour is a no brainer?

Sorry OP, he's not coming across very well here.

lattewith3shotsplease · 23/03/2018 11:57

OP,

Maybe he just prefers living in London....than up North.

Hope everything goes well for you.

JaneEyre70 · 23/03/2018 12:01

He's living the dream. You're not.

Why on earth would you put up with this?

BitOutOfPractice · 23/03/2018 12:04

Why doesn't he want to be with you? It's very odd

NomsQualityStreets · 23/03/2018 12:05

Honestly I would find him repulsive.

He's pushed for you to have another child and made promises just so you agreed.
Now he's got you pregnant and has no intentions of keeping those promises.

He's happy for you to carry his baby, give birth to him/her on your own and also shoulder 99% of the childcare on your own whilst he gets to be there once a week and then waltz off back to his room service.
He's an unsupportive, lying, waste of space.
I would seriously consider LTB since you seem to be doing it on your own anyway.

Birdsgottafly · 23/03/2018 12:07

Whilst he's getting you pregnant you're less likely to end it/give ultimatums.

He likes the break from family life. If you do end it, I'd put money on him staying in London fulltime. But whilst your in the baby stage, you aren't likely to do anything drastic.

I would advise not to get pregnant again. Sort out that you can stay in the house that you live in and then decide what you want.

It doesn't matter how much you 'nag' he'll do what he wants. I'd resign myself to the situation so it doesn't drag you down.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2018 12:11

He just doesn’t want to move. He’s loving the London life, it can be great fun to be honest especially with free hotels and room service! Not sure what to suggest really! You’ve tried to force him and can’t.. is it a deal breaker?

astoundedgoat · 23/03/2018 12:14

How long has he been living in London without you? He clearly doesn't want to come back up North, because if he did, it would have happened straight away.

Setting aside the possibility that he is in a relationship in London, I would be giving two alternative ulimatums (ultimata?) - either he starts working back up North before your due date, and makes arrangements for you all to move to London this summer if being away from the London office is professionally impossible/suboptimal, or you break up now, before the baby comes.

Are your two older children his? Who owns the house/pays the mortgage?

If he lives and works full time in London and can't leave, then you either move there with your family or break up, unless you are happy with this set-up and are just having a one-off wobble today.

He has never ONCE "forgotten" to ask about working in the local office. He doesn't want to work there.

JessicaJonesJacket · 23/03/2018 12:16

You know that nagging isn't changing anything. It's time for action rather than talking.
He's pretending he just forgets to ask for a transfer Is he contactable at work? Then email him saying 'this is your reminder to request a transfer to the Northern office with effect from x date'. I'd set it up to send on repeat until he actually transfers or admits that he has no intention to do so.
I'd also rope in some peer pressure eg if you think MIL would be supportive; friends that you see at the weekends, etc. I'd be making sure everyone knew that he hadn't transferred and wasn't even committing to being at home for the birth.
Alternatively, on Monday send him an email saying he has until Friday to arrange the transfer and if he doesn't then he shouldn't come back up North at the weekend but should contact you to arrange access to the DCs. You need to start marking some serious boundaries.

Bluelady · 23/03/2018 12:17

I'm so sorry, OP, but my money's on another woman in London.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2018 12:17

Would you be happier with him not coming back at weekends and you both ending the pretence that he's bothered by family life?

In your place I think I would be. He's completely taking the piss, he's disrespecting you and your right to have a say in your life every time he closes down a conversation or lies to your face about talking to work. He's a crap dad because he chooses not to be around while his DC grow up, and a really awful partner because he's lying to you and choosing not to spend time with you.

It's crap and you deserve a lot more but you can't really have expected anything would change for a long time, because it hasn't.

It doesn't sound like you're married, which means he can cut and run as far as you're concerned unfortunately, but he will owe you child support and at least you'd have a regular income from that for the 3 DC, and you'd know you could only rely on yourself and would stop hoping he'd step up.

WineGummyBear · 23/03/2018 12:18

Ignore what he says look at what he does.

Action expresses priorities. (Ghandi)

Frazzled2207 · 23/03/2018 12:21

This is insane. Are the older kids yours?

Stop nagging. Tell him he moves properly, ideally indefinitely, or he stays in London and your relationship is over. Not ideal of course but you are practically a single mum anyway and obviously coping amazingly well up to now.

Frazzled2207 · 23/03/2018 12:22

Sorry I meant are the older kids HIS not yours

Frazzled2207 · 23/03/2018 12:24

Oh and to answer your Aibu you are very U to nag him further. It won't help as it appears he has no intention of moving if he can avoid it. You need to be very firm from now on.

Highhorse1981 · 23/03/2018 12:27

All it would take is a phone call?

Are you sure? London has very different pay scale to the north

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 23/03/2018 12:29

If you're having to nag him and he doesn't want to come north, it's not much of a relationship is it really? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and the kids?

I'm sorry but my first thought on reading your post is that he has another relationship in London and that is what is holding him there, not work. Maybe I've been on the Relationship board too long and got all cynical.

I do think at 31 weeks it's getting pretty close to ultimatum time OP.

MynameisJune · 23/03/2018 12:29

My DH works away a lot, not every week Mon - Fri but most weeks either mid week or weekend. Unfortunately he isn’t office based so we don’t have a choice. But he hates it, he hates being away from our DC and from home. He hates missing out on family time. Not only does he tell me this all the time but he shows it. He gets home as quickly as he can. He leaves as late as he can, and he actively tries to avoid taking work that means him staying away.

Your DH is saying all the right things and doing all the wrong things. He likes not being involved in the day to day drudgery of Home life with kids. He gets to have a family and to also be free and single living it up in London.

He isn’t going to change and you either accept it or you leave.

I’m sorry he is such a shit though.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 23/03/2018 12:30

I feel for you, OP. He's certainly demonstrating his preferences, and that's hurtful.

"Nagging" (your word) isn't working, and isn't helping you to feel better, is it? So what would help YOU? I note suggestions from PPs above to pack his bags/give him an ultimatum. How does that suggestion make you feel? Or could you learn to accept that you're basically a single parent during the week?

I'm not clear about whether it's the actual birth you want him there for, or the new baby bit.

I'm also picking up on the fact you're quite isolated where you are. Could you change that somehow? Learn to drive (if you don't). Move - still up north, but somewhere bigger?

How could you make your situation better for YOU if he really won't change?

Nixen · 23/03/2018 12:36

I also think there’s another woman in London I’m afraid.
I would also agree with the other poster who pointed out you were a bit daft to have a(nother) baby with someone you aren’t sure you want to commit to.

cantitbesimpler · 23/03/2018 12:39

My ex used to do stuff like this, OP. Lots of promises to get a contract closer to home so that he could be more involved with family life, and I could re-start my career. Many, many excuses along the way. He eventually got an interview for a perfect, local job and seemed oddly disinterested. Invented lots of reasons why it wasn't perfect and basically flunked the interview. He left us shortly afterwards, because he was running out of excuses and was going to have to engage in family life.

The bottom line is that for some men, this is a great option. You lead separate lives without the hassle and cost of an actual, legal separation. He finds life like this more rewarding, and he isn't particularly bothered about how you feel about it.

For the posters who ask "why would he not want to be with you and the children?" - because he is selfish and immature and views family life as some form of pick n mix. He'll pick the bits he wants but not the actual commitment or daily hassles. And I suspect he doesn't have the love or respect for the OP that would ordinarily override that selfish impulse. (And add to that for my ex, a very disengaged model of fatherhood from his childhood - fathers earned the money and ticked the box. Nothing more required.)

I would prepare yourself for doing this completely on your own. Sorry.

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