I have been unreasonable now I need to make it right

[QueenOfIce]

Dh and I usually get along very well, we rarely argue and make a pretty good team, however.

We are moving house today, removals arrived early am and we all mucked in, all except dh who spent spent an hr dismantling the tv bracket, and has generally been unhelpful. It's not that he's lazy he's just slow slower than me.

I feel as though I have not stopped whilst he has casually got his shit together. My car is full of fragile stuff that I didn't want in the van so I asked dh if he would put the things I couldn't get into my car into his.

4 (not huge) boxes, he loaded 2 and disappeared to make tea for the movers. I came downstairs and in the porch are the other 2 boxes, I can't find his car keys to put them in myself so I asked him to remember the others, he picks up 1 takes it to the car I follow shortly after with the other and as I get to the door I can see he's not placed them he's thrown them in and is now shoving a ladder on top amongst it all.

I got annoyed because in the boxes were fragile items that I couldn't fit in my car but wanted to take care of myself. Words were had and in a huff he went to shut the car door but my arm was still in there so I whipped around and slapped my dh hard on his chest.

I feel awful, I apologised immediately and there's no excuse. I have never slapped anyone and nor has he. This is not how I wanted our move to go!

I've been awful haven't I?

Is not* damn not having a edit feture

Will people stop insisting that male violence is exactly the same as female violence. If I slapped my husband it would be very different than if he slapped me because hes three times my size and would risk seriously injuring me
Its pretty awful to try to argue that its OK for women to be violent because on average they're smaller . That said, I also don't subscribe to the common view on here that, if a man ever does anything which might be a deliberate hit, he's a lost cause, and it will inevitably get worse.
Both men and women are human, with flaws and can learn from mistakes, and become better people, so OP, your remorse shows that you are not a brute, maybe consider how you can handle anger and frustration to make sure it never happens again.

Finally, I'm trying to imagine how the poster I quoted could be a human adult, yet have a DH 3 times her size - I think that may be an exaggeration?

Both men and women are human, with flaws and can learn from mistakes, and become better people, so OP, your remorse shows that you are not a brute, maybe consider how you can handle anger and frustration to make sure it never happens again

Totally agree with this.

'Its pretty awful to try to argue that its OK for women to be violent because on average they're smaller'

Where did I say it was okay for women to be violent?
My point was that the impact is usually very different and so you need to look at the actual context of each individual case before you label it as abuse. For example in OPs case I really would not label it as abusive... that doesnt make it a great thing to have done... but that wasnt my point my point was that its stupid to pretend that its the exact equivalent of the same scenario with the genders reversed because it just isnt!!!

and I get wound up by this because of a situation my close friend got in where she slapped her boyfriend for taking her phone and he grabbed her and purposefully snapped her arm on a bollard.
She refused to press charges because 'she shouldnt have slapped him' and many of her friends considered that to be right.
She was tiny, a size 6 and he was a gym fanatic. He clean broke her arm. Are we all supposed to think he was frightened of her slap? It was anger, he was putting her in her place. It wasnt okay for her to slap him but what he did to her was actual abuse.

I mean someone use some common sense!
Its often not exactly equivalent. Im well aware there are some cases in which men may be frightened by and abused by women.... but generally women ARE smaller than men, and statistically more likely to have faced violence at the hands of men in their life at some point and so ARE more likely to be scared. You have to take it on a case by case basis.
I dont think that the OP slapping her husband here was abusive because of the context.
It doesnt work as an exact gender swap round because the context may be very different.

Just apologise to him. I can understand the frustration because my DH is a massive faffer! Moving day is very stressful!

I’m a bit bemused by the concept that one deliberate blow is abuse and one wasn’t in circumstances that don’t amount to self defence.

The law is clear: where it is an assault and it is between persons on a relationship then it is domestic abuse. An assault can be as little as a push, slap or unlawful touch. A slap out of anger is assault. It’s her husband therefore she is by definition of the law a domestic abuser. Maybe it won’t happen again but chances of it doing so will be increased by people creating an society where it’s ok for women to hit men because it’s not ‘real abuse’.

Moving day is very stressful!

I know! Ive moved 3 times with my DH in the 20 years weve been together and they rate up there as some of the most stressful days of my life....but funny enough Ive managed it without hitting my DH and he hasnt hit me.

Some of these responses are shameful.

If a man posted he just hit his wife across the chest, no one would be saying ah well uou panicked and are under stress. And the sheer idiocy of trying to say it's ok when a woman does it as opposed to when a man does it it's shocking. No wonder so many men cover up domestic violence when it's their wife physically abusing them.

It's not ok to hit. Male or female. End of.

Moving house is v v stressful, we have moved house twice and each time have "nearly split up"- one of the times I threw my wedding ring at DH in true soap opera style!!!!

You have apologised and that's all you can do, it clearly was out of character for you and I'm sure he knows that.

Congratulations on your new home

Moving day is awful! You are obviously super-efficient and organised, and your DH hasn’t got a clue, so he finds a displacement activity to busy himself with while everyone else gets on with the real work.
When you’re unpacking in the new house give him specific small tasks to do while you do your bit. He can keep supplying the food and drinks
Congratulation on your new home

I doubt most men would give even the beginnings of a damn about a slap to the chest. A very short apology should easily suffice.

Thank you for your responses, dh and I had a chat told him that I shocked myself at my reaction. For context I was a victim of dv with an ex, I perceived dh shutting the car door on me as a direct threat and reacted with a hard slap.

Not acceptable and not something I will ever do again, I've learnt something about myself. Dh has been brilliant with the unpacking we have sort of naturally separated jobs and just got on with it.

He won't be leaving me and was very gracious in his acceptance of my apology.